When is friendship a quasi-relationship?

[Luke Skywalker]

If there is a friendship between two parties, a guy and a girl, and either party is free to see other people on their life with one stipulation. Neither party can have a romantic interest for anyone else, and can not see anyone else on days that they are planning to meet each other or the friendship would virtually be dissolved.

 

I think this is an interesting concept, because I'm setting boundaries up where I"m telling this girl, that it's unacceptable for me if she has feelings for any other guy, or is changes a date plan to be with another guy, yet at other times that is outside of the day we are planning to meet then it is acceptable. If we had a relationship, all her guy friends would be ordered out of her life as I may be too jealous to tolerate divided attention.

 

This may be a friendship, but it feels like some sort of quasi-relationship, because I'm also on a guilt-trip now if I see any other girls and put them on priority over her on a day or time we are tentively suppose to see each other, so I think there is some sort of 'understanding' there or ethics about how I'm feeling about guys in her life.

 

Is this still a friendship, or a quasi-relationship, or is this interaction even definable?

[YanksRBest]

That sounds a bit confusing. A friendship isn't like that. Usually in a normal friendship, people are allowed to be romantically involved with others. And I use the term "allowed" loosely, because generally they don't ask their friends for permission to date others.

 

Feeling jealous if she sees other guys or feeling guilty if you are interested in other girls means one of two things. Either you have feelings for her, or you believe you're trapped in a semi-relationship.

 

Either way you need to talk to this girl and clearly define what you are. And if you both agree to just a friendship, you have to understand she can see whatever men she wants.

[joeshmoe]

If we had a relationship, all her guy friends would be ordered out of her life as I may be too jealous to tolerate divided attention.

 

 

Hmmmm....that's a bit scary

[NJRon]

What this sounds like to me is called an Open Relationship. If you can handle this, then I don't see why you would be jealous and, if you get jealous, you won't be able to handle this kind of relationship for long.

[Luke Skywalker]

The structure of parameters, as explained so far to her, and which she seems to agree is this:

 

Expectations of friendship:

- Disclosure of all guys in her life - transparancy.

- She is permitted to see other guys, as long as I receive my due attention from her, and she does not put any other guy in priority over me.

- If she has a romantic interest for anyone else, the friendship is terminated - as I'm deemed to be a 'spare tire' and that's unacceptable, in the absense of romantic interest to anyone else, then I'm not a 'spare tire' anymore and dont feel used.

 

She is allowed (by allowed meaning I consent to friendship under terms) to have other guys in her life, as long she doesn't see them on the same day I'm seeing her, or I'm blown off so she could be with another guy, or talk about them, or phone them while I'm around her. Similarly, I'm allowed to have other girls in my life, but as long as I'm giving her due attention, then it's justified. If the other girls subtract from due attention on her, then I'd feel guilty.

 

Thus, this is a friendship that is a defacto open relationship. I want to leave things ambigious for now so I dont invest time talking about this. I only talk to her seriously about things that BOTHER me, if I can live with it, I leave it alone.

[Luke Skywalker]

What's the difference between an Open Relationship and a Semi-Relationship?

We have both defined this as friendship, but the terms that I'm seeming to put on it make it sound a bit weird I guess.

[tictactoe2006]

I see a lot of "ordered" and "allowed" in your description of your relationship with your female friend. A bit of advice: if you want her in your life at all, that kind of talk/attitude needs to go. I know that personally, if a woman I was interested in said that I was not 'allowed' to keep in touch with my other female friends and that they had to be 'ordered' out of my life, I would head for the hills, and fast.

 

You do not now, nor will you ever, own her. She's got a right to have interests outside of you, and by the way, plans change sometimes, it is a part of life.

[nottoogreen]

Let's modify that a bit in order to understand more. Let's say either or both is "working", sex being included in that profession. Working can be part-time too. Thus expect your friend to be with others.

 

Now, I have been with quite a few working girls. And what I found is that:

 

• I would not like they being with others - go home someone else will be here in 2 hours.
  
• They would not want me to be with other girls - asking when how what .....
  
• I could get attached to them
  
• Them could get attached to me
  
• First time, people are enthusiastic about each other with *hope* but little *expectations*.
  
• First time sex is often best because of *strain* thereafter.
  

 

Thus my advice is: For play: once only, never see the same person twice.

 

Back to any variation of FWB - it won't work for me.

[Luke Skywalker]

Let's modify that a bit in order to understand more. Let's say either or both is "working", sex being included in that profession. Working can be part-time too. Thus expect your friend to be with others.

 

Huh? What profession? A working girl is a prostitute, I dont have a prostitute as a female friend, this is a nice girl that claims to be a virgin. Wrong thread pal.

 

 

Now, I have been with quite a few working girls. And what I found is that:

 

• I would not like they being with others - go home someone else will be here in 2 hours.
  
• They would not want me to be with other girls - asking when how what .....
  
• I could get attached to them
  
• Them could get attached to me
  
• First time, people are enthusiastic about each other with *hope* but little *expectations*.
  
• First time sex is often best because of *strain* thereafter.
  

 

Thus my advice is: For play: once only, never see the same person twice.

 

There is no sex involved anywhere, but I just like to know I'm getting her undivided attention, that's all.

 

Back to any variation of FWB - it won't work for me.

 

I tried it once before, but if I have romantic interest on a FWB, then it won't work for me either.

[nottoogreen]

If you exclude sex, then there is no relationship between the two of you whatsoever.

 

It's a long road to the answer.

[RayKay]

After reading that post not only was I completely turned off, I had the heebie-jeebies.

 

You aren't exclusive, but neither can have "romantic interest" in another...so, you are not going to be together, but also you are kinda "stuck" together too. It seems rather controlling and odd...either be together, or not. If you want a casual relationship fine, but in that case you can't "forbid" the other from not developing feelings for others because casual relationships are meant to be temporary.

 

It also does not seem like a friendship, because there is way too many boundaries about whom can see whom when, and how they cannot do this or that or the friendship is void.

 

It just seems very controlling and stifling and people don't respond well to suffocation - they tend to fight it.

 

I definitely find those comments about jealousy very alarming...

[tictactoe2006]

Gotta agree with RayKay there. I know if I was this girl's brother, dad, anything like that, no way would I want her tangled up with someone like this.

[Luke Skywalker]

You aren't exclusive, but neither can have "romantic interest" in another...so, you are not going to be together, but also you are kinda "stuck" together too.

 

Negative, I have romantic interest with her and have expressed that at least a couple of times.

 

It seems rather controlling and odd...either be together, or not. If you want a casual relationship fine, but in that case you can't "forbid" the other from not developing feelings for others because casual relationships are meant to be temporary.

 

Nobody is being 'forbidden' for anything. I'm saying that I may not be comfortable if that were the case because I'd feel friendzoned.

 

It also does not seem like a friendship, because there is way too many boundaries about whom can see whom when, and how they cannot do this or that or the friendship is void.

 

I think the boundaries are very reasonable and I'm prepared to walk from this friendship if I'm feeling 'friendzoned' or used.

 

It just seems very controlling and stifling and people don't respond well to suffocation - they tend to fight it.

 

I definitely find those comments about jealousy very alarming...

 

I dont think it's very controlling at all, like I said, it's a two way street, if I'm not happy with something, then I'm probably just going to walk and look for someone else rather than be 'controlling', it's that simple. Or continue looking for someone else while seeing her at the same time, no big deal.

 

This thread was just to get a fix or defination of whether this is a friendship, open relationship, or whatever, and as a moderator for this board that's studying law school, I dont see how personal attacks are warrented here. Maybe next time I just wont start a thread unless it's a very serious subject with this nonsense around.

[tictactoe2006]

If you felt friendzoned, why not just bring it up to her? All that na ultimatum will do is get you shown to the door, in my humble opinion.

[RayKay]

Negative, I have romantic interest with her and have expressed that at least a couple of times.

 

Nobody is being 'forbidden' for anything. I'm saying that I may not be comfortable if that were the case because I'd feel friendzoned.

 

I think the boundaries are very reasonable and I'm prepared to walk from this friendship if I'm feeling 'friendzoned' or used.

 

I dont think it's very controlling at all, like I said, it's a two way street, if I'm not happy with something, then I'm probably just going to walk and look for someone else rather than be 'controlling', it's that simple. If I'm feeling friendzoned, or really used, then I too can flirt with other hot babes if I'm hanging out with her right in front of her too. So, nobody is controlling anybody.

 

I was referring to romantic interest in another person, not each other.

 

Since you aren't "together" and are a "friendship" you can't really just "forbid that" from happening. It can be agreed you would not act on such feelings and would only be with each other, but you can't just say "no feelings" for someone else if you are not in a relationship.

 

If you want to be WITH her exclusively, this is the wrong way to go about it. While I think friendzoning is a bit debatable, you are friendzoning yourself by settling for this "quasi relationship" deal.

 

I am really confused how in the same breath you call it a friendship you say you do not want to be friendzoned. As this is basically what is happening if you are concerned about it.

 

If you want a relationship, then fine have one, or if she is not interested in return, move on and don't be friendzoned If you both want to casually date, fine, but you can't expect commitment if you want to be casual either. And if you want to be just friends, BE just friends but then don't get mad because she wants to have a romantic relationship with someone else.

[RayKay]

This thread was just to get a fix or defination of whether this is a friendship, open relationship, or whatever, and as a moderator for this board that's studying law school, I dont see how personal attacks are warrented here. Maybe next time I just wont start a thread unless it's a very serious subject with this nonsense around.

 

Whoa, I never attacked you personally. I made comments on how you were placing ultimatums on this relationship. That is an entirely different thing.

 

And I do not see how my moderator status or what I "study" matters when it comes to having an opinion on how you are acting in this "friendship". I have the right to that opinion whatever I was studying, and I never made any attacks on YOU as a person.

[nottoogreen]

What do you want?

 

Papa, mama

 

Bro/sis

 

Mentor

 

Buddy

 

Lover

 

Luke, I am confused.

[arwen]

I agree with RayKay. And I am as confused as nottogreen. I don't understand why you think you can have such a big claim on someone. Even if you had a romantic relationship, why eliminate ALL contacts with other males? It doesn't work like that, you don't possess another person if you are involved in a romantic relationship, nor can you claim exclusivity if you are only friends.

 

I am not sure you can continue a friendship this way, and if you already confessed your feelings and nothing changes, maybe it's time to move on? What did she say when you told her about your feelings?

 

We are trying to help you. No one is attacking you personally. You get help from all sorts of persons, and we all have a different perspective. This has little to do with being a moderator or studying, but with experience in life. That is why this is an advise forum, and not a professional help site.

 

Ilse

[nottoogreen]

From: Wicked

Openness, transparency and variety of opinion are some of the strengths of eNotAlone. Your experience and opinion is of value to all readers, no matter you are young or old, don't be shy, whenever you have something to contribute please post and in particular please post in threads I posted in. Thank you!

 

Luke, me thinks you need to get laid once soon. Stop defeating yourself.

[tictactoe2006]

nottoogreen,

 

I agree man. Something just don't add up!

[annie24]

I think your "arrangement" could work for a few weeks, at most, a few months, but it will crash and burn shortly enough.

 

I think this is an interesting concept, because I'm setting boundaries up where I"m telling this girl, that it's unacceptable for me if she has feelings for any other guy,

 

So, as long as she doesn't have feelings for other guys, she gets to keep hanging out with you? But, you are not her boyfriend. But, she is "allowed" to hang out with other men.

 

In your scenario, at some point, she will develop romantic feelings for another man, and thereforeeee, you will cut off all ties with her. So, you'll be alone, and she'll have a new dude.

 

I have to say, as a female, I would NEVER agree to this arrangement. I'm ok with being a gf, just a friend, or heck, even bed buddies if the boundaries are clear!

 

I guarantee though, this type of relationship can't last.

 

If you really like this girl, you should ask her to be exclusive. what you're describing here won't work. It may work for a little while, but certainly not long term.

[Luke Skywalker]

I am not sure you can continue a friendship this way, and if you already confessed your feelings and nothing changes, maybe it's time to move on? What did she say when you told her about your feelings?

 

She made an 'impersonal' type of rejection, firstly saying that her lifestyle can not support any relationships with anyone, and all she can offer is friendship. The book "How to Succeed with Women" will suggest patience, that statement doesn't mean anything, this could turn into something later.

 

The first time it was brought up - it was her lifestyle being too busy to support any relationship.

 

The second time it was brought up - same thing - now she's saying she's going through some things right now - but still wants to see me, but cant commit to allot of time due to 'her personal problems'.

[Luke Skywalker]

There are no specific goals that I can quantify - sure I'd like her as a sister, friend, girlfriend, all, some, none, who knows. I'd definitely like to kiss her though, that could make my year. The guy usually initiaties this kiss stuff though meaning if I dont take any initiative, nothing will happen. Yet on the other hand, I want something more than just some adolescent joy ride, and would like some form of commitment, even friendship if that's a commitment.

[Luke Skywalker]

Whoa, I never attacked you personally. I made comments on how you were placing ultimatums on this relationship. That is an entirely different thing.

 

And I do not see how my moderator status or what I "study" matters when it comes to having an opinion on how you are acting in this "friendship". I have the right to that opinion whatever I was studying, and I never made any attacks on YOU as a person.

 

Alright, your cleared. I thought you said you were turned-off with me and took it personal.

[annie24]

She made an 'impersonal' type of rejection, firstly saying that her lifestyle can not support any relationships with anyone, and all she can offer is friendship. The book "How to Succeed with Women" will suggest patience, that statement doesn't mean anything, this could turn into something later.

 

The first time it was brought up - it was her lifestyle being too busy to support any relationship.

 

The second time it was brought up - same thing - now she's saying she's going through some things right now - but still wants to see me, but cant commit to allot of time due to 'her personal problems'.

 

I would disagree with that book. typically when a woman says that, it means that she's not interested enough to date that man. It's an excuse... to try to let a man down gently.