He broke up with me and I'm confused.

[YanksRBest]

Hi everyone.

 

When I was seventeen I began dating a man who was 25 (I know it sounds bad, but nobody thought much of it as I live in the UK and it's legal here).

 

Well now I'm twenty & we have been dating for three years. I love him very much and thought we had a great relationship.

 

In fact, just a week ago he asked me how I'd feel about an engagement. I was utterly ecstatic, because (at the risk of sounding a bit naff or naive) I am completely in love with him and want to be with him for the rest of my life.

 

Then yesterday he rang me up and said he needed me for a natter. So we got together and he basically told me that he feels we should end the relationship because I am too young for him, and he needs to find a woman closer to his own age (twenty-eight).

 

Now, I am very confused. Just one week earlier he'd said he wanted to marry me, and now without any warning he's dumped me.

 

Why is the age a problem now? Why did it not bother him when we first started dating, or when I was 18, or 19? I don't understand. Any help would be brilliant.

 

Also, I've tried ringing him several times to ask why, to which he replied "I can't be arsed to explain it now."

 

Stupid bugger he is. Never wants to talk about his feelings. However I think that since this is such an important topic, he really ought to tell me why,suddenly, my age is an issue.

[YanksRBest]

Okay, my boyfriend's just telephoned me to say he "needs time to think" so he and his mates are planning a three day trip to Ireland.

 

Time to think?!

 

I asked him very nicely just now, "Why does the fact that I'm 8 years younger suddenly bother you?" and he said "I can't explain it, I told you. I'll be back in three days and we can chat." and then he hung up on me.

 

What a wonderful way to start my morning.

 

Bloody idiot! Sorry, I apologise. I'm just quite upset right now. I don't understand him one bit.

[Dako]

Well your age didn't change that much between phone calls, so he has a lot to explain. I suspect he's using your age as an excuse. He's known your age for a long time, so something else must be happening.

I hope he levels with you.

[YanksRBest]

Well your age didn't change that much between phone calls, so he has a lot to explain. I suspect he's using your age as an excuse. He's known your age for a long time, so something else must be happening.

I hope he levels with you.

That's what I was thinking. When we first started seeing eachother one of the first things we talked about was the age gap, and we both agreed it was no big deal as we had many common interests and generally liked one another. You'd think that now I'm out of my teens, it would be easier.

 

I don't want to ring him again and bother him, but I cannot wait 3 days for him to get home from Ireland. I need an explanation now.

 

It's a bit cruel he was asking me about engagement and now suddenly he's ending it.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with Dako, I think he is using your age as an excuse for dumping you. And his comments of "needing to think" is his nice way of letting you off the hook nicely. He cant be "man" enough to tell you the REAL reason why he wants to leave you, so he gives you a half-*ss reason for doing the dirty deed.

 

If I were you, I would tell him to take all the time he needs to think it over, but that you are moving on and dont need someone in your life that cant be with you in the long term.

 

I know it is hard and I make it seem so easy, but it is better to start to let go now and not have hope because it is sad to see one's hopes and dreams dashed, esp with someone who is so wishy-washy as him.

 

Good luck!

[YanksRBest]

I think you're both right. Thanks for responding so quickly!

 

I just wish he'd stop being stupid and tell me the real reason then. Should I wait until he gets back home or try to talk to him quickly before he leaves?

 

Maybe waiting will be best. I'll be less angry then, I hope.

[renaissancewoman101]

If he is giving you such a half-*ss reason as your age, I am not sure if he is ever going to tell you the true reason why he wants to leave you. From being on this site and from my own experiences, I dont think the dumper ever really tells the dumpee their TRUE reasons for dumping them. Sometimes, even the dumper doesnt really know why they are dumping the OP, they just feel like they have to do it because of loss of interest, meeting someone new, loss of feelings, etc.

 

I would try to talk to him one more time, maybe to see what he might say, but dont hold all your eggs in one basket that this last meeting might bring you the closure you want, or that he will come back to you. Sometimes things just turn out the way they turn out, crappy. Life is weird.

 

I would talk to him when he comes back. Meanwhile, start letting go of him, grieving over the loss of this relationship, reconnect with friends, start doing things on your own, re-develop your life, etc. Then when he comes back, maybe you WONT want to talk to him because you are too busy enjoying your newfound life.

[YanksRBest]

Thank you very very much, I think that is exactly what I'll do.

[saltwatergirl]

I agree with all of that. Don't try to get something out of him now. You won't and you'll just end up looking foolish and clingy. All he is going to give you is BS anyway, why bother.

 

As was stated, tell him take as much time as he needs, give him more space than NASA, and get on with your life. When he comes back, you probably won't want to be bothered anymore, and you will have left with your dignity intact.

 

Salt

[obscurity]

Wow, that was so sudden, both the I want to marry you then I want to dump you, and the trip to Ireland. I wonder if they are related in anyway!!

 

But as was said above take time for yourself and dont wait for someone who will treat you in such a fashion. Dont be so dependent on him, if he calls ignore the first few, and dont talk to him for a few days. See if that changes his mind and he can see what a gem he is giving up. Sometimes people need a smack in the face before they really realize it. Make it clear to him that you arent in it for the games. If he decides its over you wont come back to him if he changes his mind all of the sudden. 3 years is a long time to have an instant change of heart either he is hiding something or there was an underlying problem to the relationship.

[YanksRBest]

Alright guys, I thought that before I nip off to work I would update you on my situation and see what you think.

 

I was able to talk to my boyfriend last night before he caught his plane to Ireland. The conversation was only about five or six minutes long because my mobile was dying, but basically he told me what you all have been saying. The problem isn't my age.

 

He says that he's scared. He said he loves me and wants to marry me more than anything, but that when I said I would marry him, he sort of panicked. He says it made it feel more 'real'. He'd been thinking about engagement and loved the idea, but when I said yes, it suddenly dawned on him that we may actually get married, and he freaked out.

 

Before me, he's never had a serious relationship; just a number of flings. So I guess to go from flings straight to a serious relationship with a proposal was a bit much for him to handle.

 

I don't want to rush him into marriage. After all, I'm only 20. I wasn't planning on being married until I was around 23 or 24, so it's not like I was expecting a wedding next week. We both agreed if we do want to marry, it'll be a long engagement until I finish University. Which I think is good.

 

So basically we left off saying we'd chat in a few days when he returns from Ireland, but we've established that my age was never an issue, he was scared, but loves me and wants to talk more about marriage.

 

So I'm stuck now. Part of me wants to kill him for giving me that scare, and part of me is obviously crazy in love wanting to marry him and forgive him for being so stupid.

 

Should I just let this blow over?

[obscurity]

That is good you had a chance to talk to your bf. Thank goodness because that is a relief!!! If he truly loves you, you guys will work things out, and come to a conclusion you both are happy with. Good luck.

[patch2006uk]

the first thing that came into my head was commitment fears.

 

at least he has had the decency to tell you the truth. i reckon you guys need a long chat about everything, and then you should decide where to go.

 

i personally wudnt dump him without talkin to him first, but i'd make sure to tell him that what he did was unacceptable, and just left you feeling hurt and confused.

 

let him know that you're not ready to rush into marriage either, and then see if you can't decide on something that will work for both of you.

 

all the best

[YankeeGirl02]

Eyy, another Yankee fan eh?!

 

When he comes back from Ireland (if he hasn't already) then sit him down and talk to him. Now that you know what's bothering him, it'll be easier to alleviate the problem.