Relationship with Ex

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Hello All-

 

I have been dating a great guy for about 2-3 months- we were casual friends for about a year prior to dating. We are dating seriously and are comitted to one another.

 

He was previously married and has not been with his ex-wife for approx. a year. They have a daughter together and they are both very involved in her life.

 

A few days ago i was trying to fix something on his computer and i came accross a story or fantasy about him and his ex that he had recently wrote.

 

We talked about it and he was very receptive to the conversation and very open and also understanding- I feel we communicated well and when the conversation was over - i had thought that it was resolved.

 

It's not- not for me. I am concerned about this. His explanation was that she had propositioned him not too long ago-he refused. As a result he said it left some liggering thoughts in his head and he felt that the best to let it out was to just write it.

 

He explained to me the reasons they weren't together and why the relationship didn't work. He had said it wasn't the first time she propositioned him and not the first time he refused.

 

Here are my questions/concerns.

 

I wonder if because he is fantasizing about her- does that mean there are feelings for her still? Is it normal to fantasize sexually about your ex?

 

Even though we had an open and honest conversation about it - i have now developed some fears that weren't there before- for instance, if he doesn't call i begin to get worried that he is with her- where in the past, it never bothered me. When he drops off/pics up his daughter, i worry that something will happen. What do i do about these fears? Do i talk to him (again) about it or resolve it on my own?

 

 

 

 

I appreciate your advise.

[Dako]

All you can do is ask him these questions and then ask one of yourself.

Do you trust him?

 

I can honestly say after my long marriage ended I never had sexual dreams of her or daytime fantasies. That even surprised me, but it was over. That's only my experience. He may have reasons for his behavior, but if he wants you, he should explain himself and you should decide.

[counselorcas]

I recognize the tough situation that you are in. No one wants to read a fantasy written by your boyfriend about someone else. The only thing I can say is this: Although the two of you have been friends for sometime, you have only been in an exclusive relationship for a few months. There is not a lot of invested time quite yet in this relationship.....which could make it very easy for him to slip into thoughts of the ex-wife. Although, I'm not excusing this behavior.....I can see how it could possibly happen. You and his ex-wife are on two different levels.....at this point. If you were dating him for a few years and found this....it would be a different story. When my boyfriend and I had just started dating....I found a very warm and special letter he had written her while we had just started being exclusive....He told her he thought of her often and wonders how she is etc... although heart breaking.......they would still be together if they wanted to be... correct? Since then we have fallen in love and have been together for almost three years. Give it time. It seems as though he has been very candid with you about what has gone on. If she is making passes at him and he doesn't allow for it to take place.....It's because he knows the two of them aren't right together. All you can do is trust him....and communicate with him... Ask him about her...not obsesively...but you can say in a joking way "Did she make a pass at you today?" Give it time...it's not the end of the world. See how he makes things up to you...and see how your relationship progresses...If it is moving forward in a healthy way, and he is being wonderful to you, then no worries... Good luck take care........You're going to be just fine.