The end of an era

[Aurian]

I talked a bit of things in this thread. Some wonderful people there helped me realize my husband was abusive and gave me the courage to end it.

 

Its 3-4 weeks later, and I'm still hurting. We had been together for 5 years. The first two years were wonderful. He was like my knight in shining armour (in fact, our pet names were knight and maiden). He was funny, made me laugh all the time, was sensitive, caring and made me feel safe to share my secrets, feelings and soul with him. He was my best friend and my soulmate. I was so much in love, and i thought he loved me too.

 

The last two years, were hell. I was no longer "sweet Sarah" but "piece of * * * *", "sick." I was no longer his maiden, but a " * * * * *" because he didn't like me spending any time with my friends or family. He didn't care about my feelings anymore, but called me sick and insane no matter how I tried to tell him he was hurting me. And told me that I didn't deserve any love and affection, that I was sick and looking for undeserved ego stroking.

 

I put together some things. When we met, I was "lower" than him. I was still in university, naive, living at home, shy and insecure. I guess it made him feel secure and safe when he thought I needed him. But I grew, and he lost his job. He said once he was afraid I would leave him if I didn't need him anymore. I thought I reassured him that I would always love him, but I guess he was too insecure. I guess he decided to break me down so that I would always be lower than him. Everything that went wrong was my fault. Any successes belonged to him, were lies or unimportant. He grew to hate this picture he painted of me. Called me a piece of * * * *, insane, sick, * * * * *, worthless. And he looked at me with disgust and hatred.

 

He started screaming divorce at me whenever he was unhappy. Even when I made a comment about a soccer game! Always I came crawling back, thinking if I just tried hard enough, I'd have my knight back.

 

Finally, after he destroyed the anniversary gift I gave him and ripped up our wedding pictures, I couldn't take it anymore and said I wanted a divorce. And meant it. It was like my heart just shattered. One day I was trying so hard to fix things, and then he verbally slapped me in the face yet again. And my heart shattered, like the camel's back breaking under that last straw.

 

He was so apologetic, crying and scared after I left for a week. I still care for him. I have doubts I guess. I wonder if he really did see the light, how his insecurity made him treat me badly so I wouldn't ever leave. It sounds stupid like this, but the guy has a way with words. He was begging, he would do anything. I said I just couldn't trust him and his words anymore, and that the relationship was irreversibly broken. I started NC after that.

 

I'm scared. How could my heart and head be so wrong? How could I have thought this person was my soulmate? Did he ever love me or was that some lie to trap me in a relationship so he could have someone to dominate and make himself feel good? Or is he my soulmate after all? How can I trust myself ever again?

 

I feel so alone. I never had many friends. All I needed was my soulmate, my best friend for 5 years. If only he had given me some love and affection instead of starving me.

 

Now what do I do? I don't have friends close enough to lean on. I don't know how to make new friends, especially since I am both deaf and scared of crowds (no parties or bars!).

 

Just needed to vent a bit. I've been crying all day.

 

Why wasn't I ever good enough? I did everything for this guy and he couldn't be even be bothered to make me feel LIKED.

[Hope75]

Hi Honey,

 

((BIG HUGS))

 

Sounds like you are having a really tough day.

 

A couple of things. This guy has a real problem, and it isn't you. You may be onto something about him feeling inferior to you and trying to tear you down so that he would always feel " better" than you- but either way he is sick. It is NOT because you are unlikable or unlovable. Quite the opposite. From what I know of you on here you are intelligent, well-spoken, caring, friendly, and good-hearted. You were just taken advantage of by a bad man.

 

As for your heart and head being wrong, that is no fault of your own. This man portrayed an IMAGE to you that he wanted you to see at first. A charming, knight in shining armor. Any women would fall for a guy who characteristics like that. Many of us have. Once things get settled and comfortable, something here changed. He let his true colors show. This is much like abusers tend to do... the first few years are bliss and then BANG... it all goes down the toilet. It's not your fault that you saw that IMAGE and believed it. Anyone would have. The important thing is that when you realized that it was not who he was, you ended things.

 

As for new friends, you've already made a handful of new friends here.... online is a great place to meet new people. Why not put up a myspace or friendster page? Another great way that I've made new friends is going back to college. I'm in nursing school and have made some of the best friends in my life there. Why not take a class or two? Something that you've always been interested in. There are so many to choose from, creative writing, photography, cooking, film, history, art, etc etc.... check out your local community college and see what they have to offer.

 

Being deaf if a challange, but no reason for not being able to get out there and make new friends. A good friend of mine whom I used to work for has a daughter who is also deaf. She is 22 now and is graduating from Vasser college this year. She is bright, intelligent and friendly. Everywhere she goes she talks to new people, and makes new friends. She lip reads quite well and knows sign language also. While you might be afraid and not approach people easily, try to look at this as a new challenge, instead of a fear that cannot be overcome. Force yourself to get out there! Talk to people! How do you communicate with people now? Do you sign? Lip Read? Do you have any residual hearing?

 

Hang in there honey, we are here for you!!

[Aurian]

Hi Hope,

 

Thanks, just kinda having a bad day yes. At first I felt a lot of relief and sadness, but today I'm feeling a bit weak. I think the sadness kinda crept up on me. I think I am also a bit bored and lonely with the evenings and weekends suddenly being empty. It was liberating at first...

 

As for new friends, you've already made a handful of new friends here.... online is a great place to meet new people. Why not put up a myspace or friendster page? Another great way that I've made new friends is going back to college. I'm in nursing school and have made some of the best friends in my life there. Why not take a class or two? Something that you've always been interested in. There are so many to choose from, creative writing, photography, cooking, film, history, art, etc etc.... check out your local community college and see what they have to offer.

 

I had this idea, but I picked a bad time to break up. Everything seems to be closed for the summer! All the summer classes finished in June or early July. Shame, I was so looking forward to the art classes or fitness classes or something completely new and random simply because now I can!

 

While you might be afraid and not approach people easily, try to look at this as a new challenge, instead of a fear that cannot be overcome. Force yourself to get out there! Talk to people! How do you communicate with people now? Do you sign? Lip Read? Do you have any residual hearing?

 

I do a mix of lip reading and hearing, something like 50-50. Noisy places are frustrating because my lip reading isn't good enough to compensate for the lack of hearing. I also find it very hard to follow a group talking. A small group (3-4 people) somewhere quieter is what I can manage, but where do you find something like that? I'm open and chatty online because I don't feel limited, but put me in a noisy group and I'm pretty much mute! I'm naturally pretty shy in real and feel pretty awkward until a friendship is "set."

 

Guess I am feeling a bit limited. Dunno where to go to meet people outside of classes. And fall is a ways to go. And I think I better heal a bit before posting something on LavaLife

 

Anyways, helps to hear those things too. I always want to think the best of people, but I guess I don't always think the best of myself. It helps to have people telling me that I didn't deserve it and that the person I fell in love with was just a pretty illusion.

[bacci]

Aurian,

The problem with this people who need to have power and control over another human being due to their insecurities is that they can destroy the very person they love. It is a very unhealthy love, I doubt love is the right word, they are attached but love nurtures, love is caring, growth, expansion. The problem with being close to them is that once you are alienated from everyone else their ways start to seem natural, normal, but they are not normal. Initially you could appease him by submitting to his demands, whatever they were, but only for a moment and after a while nothing is enough.

He needs you to be sick, so he can feel healthy, he needs you to be weak so he can feel strong, he needs you to be wrong so he can tell himself he is right. He would continue eroding your self esteem and depleting you emotionally to the point wher you would have become ill.

 

You will feel better in time.

You will learn to trust your judgement again and you will know the difference about healthy love when you find someone who truly appreciates the wonderful person you are. It is so recent it might not seem that way yet, but trust me, you will start enjoying your time, your hobbies, you will make friends, meanwhile come here and talk to the forum, people here are wonderful and have a lot of empathy.

You are not alone, you have made the right decision. If he does love you he'll seek help, people do change but you definitely need time apart, the dynamics of this relationship need to change and it is very hard to do without help form the experts. You might have to learn about yourself as well, rediscover who you are being as it was that you lost yourself in this marriage.

I am impressed by your strength and courage, it tells me that there is a part of yourself that truly loves, that is healthy and that is going to see you through this.

Best of luck, take care of yourself, give love to yourself, you'll heal.

[Aurian]

Initially you could appease him by submitting to his demands, whatever they were, but only for a moment and after a while nothing is enough. He needs you to be sick, so he can feel healthy, he needs you to be weak so he can feel strong, he needs you to be wrong so he can tell himself he is right. He would continue eroding your self esteem and depleting you emotionally to the point wher you would have become ill.

 

Oh, that's exactly it. Exactly what he was trying to do for two years. I am not interested in counselling though. I had tried to get him to go for so long (he is dead-set against counselors and extremely paranoid about them too), that I doubt any counselling would be "real." I lost all trust for him. Even if he acts perfect, fools the counsellor, I would be waiting for the abuser to come back. Its move definitely over, I'm just scared is all.

 

Thanks bacci...

[Hope75]

I had this idea, but I picked a bad time to break up. Everything seems to be closed for the summer! All the summer classes finished in June or early July. Shame, I was so looking forward to the art classes or fitness classes or something completely new and random simply because now I can!

 

Do you have a local community center? If so, check it out! They might have some classes available. Another idea is to check out your local library and see if they have any book clubs going. Do you enjoy reading? A friend of mine is very active in a book club and she loves it- the books are interesting and give her something fun to do, and then the get togethers are great for meeting new friends also!

 

Friendster and Myspace are not really dating sites, though some people use them that way. You can certainly make alot of friends on there without having to have the pressure of dating!

 

Another idea is to check out local hospitals, nursing homes, animal shelters, homeless shelters, etc and consider volunteering part time. It gets you out of the house on evenings and weekends, introduces you to new friends, looks great on your resume, and gives you a real sense of accomplishment!

 

Did you check at your local colleges? I know some of the ones around here offer 6 week non credit courses throughout the summer, including ones that start in August. It's worth putting a call into the school or going over and checking out a course catalog.

 

Joining a gym is a great idea too! I'd be surprised if there wasn't SOME type of class you could get into, spinning, step aerobics, yoga, there are a ton to choose from- check out local gyms too!

 

Have you thought about possibly getting a pet to keep you company? If you like dogs, they are a great way to get you out of the house and meet new people. We take our dog to a dog park near us and have met some cool neighbors that way, and a friend of mine actually had a date with a guy she met at her dog park!

 

Time to think outside the box a little!

[Hope75]

I doubt any counselling would be "real."

 

So, would you completely dismiss the idea of counseling for yourself?

 

Oh Honey, I think you'd be doing yourself a great disservice by not even considering it. There are some wonderful therapists out there that have been very helpful to people struggling as you have over a bad breakup/divorce.

 

There is no shame in therapy. Sometimes you have to "try on" a few therapists to get a good fit and find one that feels right for you, but it can be a wonderful tool to help you process the grief and anger you feel and begin to heal.

[Aurian]

You're right there...! Time to get out of my little box, thanks for giving me a few new ideas to get started with!

 

I did rejoin a pottery class I didn't go to for awhile (my true love). It felt so good to be working with clay again! I spent hours throwing pots. (A friend cracked up when I told him this, he got the mental image of my literally throwing pots in an emotional fury! )

[Aurian]

So, would you completely dismiss the idea of counseling for yourself?

 

Oh Honey, I think you'd be doing yourself a great disservice by not even considering it. There are some wonderful therapists out there that have been very helpful to people struggling as you have over a bad breakup/divorce.

 

There is no shame in therapy. Sometimes you have to "try on" a few therapists to get a good fit and find one that feels right for you, but it can be a wonderful tool to help you process the grief and anger you feel and begin to heal.

 

Oh! You misunderstand. I've been to couselling myself and it has been a good help to me. My counsellor helped me increase my self-esteem to the point to where I felt like I could stand up for myself. I still see him, but since I have the tendency to get dependant, we decided it should be on a every-two weeks basis. Unfortunately, my last meeting I was still "high" on being free of the abuse, and the next one is a ways away.

 

I just meant counselling for HIM would not be real. He has a low opinion of counselling, and 3 years ago when he was acting like this (dang, red flag), I dragged him to counselling with the threat of divorce. However, it went nowhere. We went together and then had private sessions. The counsellor later told me that in their private sessions, he was uncooperative and felt like he had nothing to change - all the work was on my shoulders. I don't see why it would matter anymore now than it did back then.