I was a little psycho...

[hrtbrkn]

I feel somewhat sad and guilty. I know I should be giving her time and space to think. But instead all I can do is push and push. It feels like am only pushing her away rather than closer to me. I wanna show her am still the same guy she married and loves her to death. I messed up these last couple of years by not showing her the attention she deserved and needed. But now that I want to show her and realize how dumb I was, its too late, she wants nothing to do with me right now. I try so hard but it only backfires. I feel like if am not trying I will loose her. But in the back of my head I know am doing wrong and should back off. I also have come to the conclusion that I might need some time away from her. I need to realize what I have done wrong all these years and try to make a change for good. I love her and that's the only thing I do know. Am starting my no communication (NC) today.

 

A little about my story - I recently got dumped after a 6 year relationship, 5 of those married. I have 2 kids and thought I had something good going on. Recently we moved from the west coast to the east. We drove here and after the 30 hour drive she had enough of me and dumped me the same day we got here. She said she was not happy and needed time away from me to think about it.

 

At first I was real cool with it. I had freedom!! I could do anything and everything I wanted without anyone telling me what to do. After all am still young(24) and have lots of energy. She was also taking the kids so I had no responsibility. I was on top of the world for the first week. That soon wore out.

 

After the first week of me living it up, I started missing her so bad. That's all I could think about. What she was doing? who she was with? was she with someone else? was she looking for someone else? did she still love me? I was in bad shape. I started getting really psycho and started wanting to talk to her at all times to find out were and what she was doing. I told her I loved her and wanted her back. Well all that has fired back. Now I take a step back and realize how psycho I was.

 

We have been separated for about 10 weeks now, and I still love her more than anything. I miss her so much and would do anything to have her back. I did screw up tho. When all she did was love me and try to work things out, all I did was push her away and spent no time with her. I also missed many important dates that meant so much to her. I feel really bad about it. Its so true that you don't know what you have until you see it lost. I realize how good of a woman she was to me and all I did was mess things up.

 

We have kept on communicating, and even at times seeing each other and going out. We have kissed and hugged after the separation, and we were still having sex until about 5 weeks ago, when she said we needed to stop doing that. She has told me she still has feelings for and loves me. But she has asked for time, which I have not respected. I feel so bad for it. I know I should give her space and time so she can figure things out, but I feel like am dying without her if I don't hear from her in a day. Its something I need to get over and today its my first day, I will start my NC.

[vandgsmom]

OK... this story has so many different aspects to consider, I will just address a couple of them..

 

I understand that she asked for time, but consider that when you are NC with her, you are also NC with your kids. Remember that they are in the middle of this. If it were me, I would call her once more, explain that you feel as if you have violated her need for space and feel you need to give that to her, but you can't bear to be separated from the kids too. Arrange a day and time each week that you will call, and when she answers and hears that it is you, she will get the kids to talk to you. You will not get into lengthy conversations with her on these calls unless she initiates. Make that clear.

 

Also.. you moved your family accross the country and split up upon touching foreign soil. Where are you living? Did you just desert her and let her find her own way or did she take the prearranged living space? Either way, you may still need to be available to her if she gets in a bind in a strange place. Being a single mother is hard enough, but being one in a strange place where you know no one and have no help is the worst.

 

LASTLY-- I get the feeling that there is more to the reason she dumped you out than what you have mentioned... Missing anniversarys and not paying attention is one thing, but after 6 years, it had to be more than that for it to inspire the angst in you that it has. Are there other things you feel you need to make up to her and the kids?? If there are, then you need to address those issues too.

 

MAKE SURE that whatever you do, you consider how it affects your children. This will not only be beneficial to them but it will show her that you are making an effort to be a more responsable husband and father...

 

Good Luck!

[hrtbrkn]

I know its so hard !!! I love my kids.

 

I will talk to her or email her about the kids. I am really trying to not talk to her anymore for now. We always end up talking about our problems. Sometimes we agree on things and sometimes we just end up arguing.

 

As far as there being more.... well the main thing she complained about was me not spending time with her and the kids. She said I had put my friends first. I know I ****ed up, trust me I know. I love this woman so much and feel like crap every night and morning am not next to her. But right now am trying to respect her wishes.

 

I have never cheated on her or laid a hand on her. We have argued in the past, but I was usually the quiet type that just listened and waited for things to calm down. I know am still young, and can probably move on and find someone else. But I love this woman, and am willing to do whatever it takes to be back with her. She is so beautiful and that also makes it worst. I know guys are always hitting on her, and it does not help that am extremely jealous. The only thing I know is that I love her.

[need2bme]

Dude, I can relate. I spent 13 years with someone and didn't think about them as often as I should. I was always trying to get away. Either grass is greener or she wasn't giving me what I thought or I was messing up with my addiction (not drugs or booze). How in the world can you show someone you love them, if you sleep on the couch, or forget birthdays or don't do the little things. Someone on here said, "watch the feet, not the lips". Sorry, I cannot remember who. That means that actions speak louder than words.

 

I was just thinking today, as I was walking through the park area by my work and realized that it would have been nice to have her there. Then, I remembered how much I was cold or wanted to leave or just plain did not want to go, when she wanted to walk on the beach at home. Funny how it all works out, huh? I just chuckled at my own stupidity.

 

I too think you need to give her space, but do keep in contact with the children. If you could not show her love and respect then, do it now by respecting her space.

 

vandgsmom: First of all, and I don't mean to sound weird, but; is that really the color of your eyes? WOW! OK, down to the business at hand. I like what you said here,

 

LASTLY-- I get the feeling that there is more to the reason she dumped you out than what you have mentioned... Missing anniversarys and not paying attention is one thing, but after 6 years, it had to be more than that for it to inspire the angst in you that it has.

 

It is so true. Dr. Phil states (and I am paraphrasing) that something you did six years ago did not ruin your relationship. That one stupid thing you said yesterday, did not ruin it. You set about systematically living in a manneer to destroy your relationship. He also states that your relationship is the way it is, because YOU made it that way. It only takes one person to destroy a relationship. But, it takes two people to completely obliterate it. ...or something like that...;-)

[hrtbrkn]

nedd2bme,

I cannot agree with you more. Now that she has left me, I find myself doing stuff I did not want to do when she was around and begged me to do. Man it sucks!!! At one point when she first left me and told me why, I even considere suicide. I felt so bad for what I had done to her and my children. But once she found out I was depressed she talked to me and told me about my kids and how much they needed me. She is a great person and I hate it!! How could I let her go? I kick myself in the a** everyday.

[hrtbrkn]

ouch !!! damn chloe, it hurt.

 

I am not a jerk, I realize i was a psycho. I am not going to give too many details, if she was to read this I dont want her to find out is me. During the first week I did see my kids, just about everyday. My psychoness also included me showing up were she was staying at and wanting to talk to her. Which also backfired big time!!

 

I dont consider myself selffish, I help her out a lot. I still pay her bills, give her more than the agreed money for child support and try to help her out everyway I can. Trust me, she knows am there if she needs me.

 

I am just a very dumb guy, that did not realized how good he had it and how great of a woman he had. And now am paying for it. I might get her back I might not. All I know is I still love her.

[Chloe_111]

Opening your wallet, isnt caring.

[hrtbrkn]

I know is not.

She knows I love her. But she has asked me to respect her and give her some time. Am trying right now. I must also include that for the past year I was gone for about 8 months. Not by choice but due to my job(military). She was pregnant during this time, and I think she feels I was not there all the way. I dunno.... sometimes am so confused. I love her tho....

[hrtbrkn]

Its been about 8 hours since I spoke with her, its so hard to not pick the phone up and just call her. I check my last 50 texts incoming and outgoing all her. last 50 calls incoming and outgoing, 80 are hers. but I have to be strong. NC means NC. She said she was calling me tonight, am so glad she did not. BE STRONG......

[saltwatergirl]

I messed up these last couple of years by not showing her the attention she deserved and needed. I need to realize what I have done wrong all these years and try to make a change for good.

I did screw up tho. When all she did was love me and try to work things out, all I did was push her away and spent no time with her. I also missed many important dates that meant so much to her.

 

Well Chloe, I don't know what post you read, but that is what he stated above. And if that isn't "taking responsibility" I don't know what would be.

 

He cannot go back in time and undo what was done. He cannot change the past actions. Taking responsibility means: acknowledging what you did, asking forgiveness, realizing what you need to do instead, and suffering the painful consequences of your actions. Now, which of those things has he NOT done?? Because the way I read it, he has done/is doing all of that. Is there something more to be done? Other than go back in time and not do it, which might be difficult for him considering science hasn't yet created a time travel machine, the above is his only alternative. I don't know what past issues you have that you are bringing into your postings to him, but he is not the rightful target of your attack, so please ease up.

 

To the OP: Continue giving her space, be there when she calls, and continue to reassure her of your love and devotion when given the opportunity to speak to her. Maybe in time she will give you another chance.

 

Salt

[hrtbrkn]

thank you saltwatergirl,

Yes I realize I have done wrong, and trust me it hurts so much. To know and accept you have done wrong for so long is not easy to deal with.

 

Today I woke up fine, but as my morning went along I started feeling mad. Not mad at me but at her. She did leave me the day we got here after a 30 hour drive. I get frustruated. I sleep, eat and do everything on an old couch she brought me. When she left she also took everything with her, including the the bed, couches and brought me this old stinky couch to sleep on. Thanks honey! I love you to. She has also kissed another man since we left. How do I know? my five year old has told me and she accepted she had. I guess drunk one day she kissed one of her friends, but am suppose to think nothing is going on. This friend is also her roommate. I guess this is the reason I freaked out so much when she fisrt moved out and got so psycho about everything. Because all this I found out on my own. She would not tell me she was living with another male, that oh yeah by the way, she had met before we moved here. Were did she meet him? on the interenet of course. Well I guess the whole way here they talked and she told him how she was tired of me and he offered his house for her to move into. But she told me she was moving into a girl friends house when we first got here. I had to find out all the lies on my own. So see its not always how things seem. You guys might think am a horrible person, but it hurts when people lie to you and go behind your back and plan things out without even taking you into consideration. Yes I know I messed up bad, but the way she did things did not help. It only got me more mad and made me do a lot of stupid things. Me and the guy have almost gone at it a couple of times. But still her and him deny anything going on between them. Should I believe this? Its so hard.

 

I know its going to be a hard day. Like I said I feel so MAD. I really dont wanna talk to her today, I know it will only end up in an argument.

[iceman85]

Wow so she both lied to you and then kissed another guy? I'm sorry but it sounds to me like shes emotionally detached from you right now. This guy is offering her something YOU werent. I don't think your kid would lie about something like that unless your wife said that to them to try and get a rise out of you.

 

Part of the reason she is doing this and part of the reason she can justify this behavior is beacuse of your actions. What you did and how you were psycho probably made her feel very uncomfortable, unloved and scared. This other guy probably was there to make her feel comfortable and basically a shoulder to cry on.

 

Of course shes going to deny she ever did anything with him, she is worried about the fallout and how that would affect the kids, plus i'm sure its not like she wanted everything to turn out this way.

 

The fact that she knew this guy before you guys split worries me, there had to be some rapport or connection between them for her to feel comfortable sharing a living space with him.

 

See when a woman breaks up with someone it rarely isnt over one argument or one event. Things build for a while and she had probably been mulling this for awhile, she had probably emotionally detached from you for longer than you know.

 

One thing to do RIGHT NOW, is to stop asking questions, stop almost fighting this other guy. That would make you look immature and insecure. I know its hard when theres another guy messing with your girl, but you have to gather every fiber within you not to do anything. The more you ask or almost fight this guy the more likely she is going to think her decision was right and the more their relationship might blossom.

 

What you need to do is prove her wrong on all these reasons she dumped you. WORK ON YOURSELF. That means become a better person, take the time you have right now and turn that toward self improvement. Show your kids that you care for them, thats one of the BIGGEST things you can do for them right now. DO NOT involve them in you and your wifes problems.

 

Take your kids out for a nice day out here and there, treat them BETTER then you have been. Your wife will see this and it will speak volumes if its something that you are doing legitimatley and will continue to do. If you cant love the kids, she cant believe you can love her.

 

You cant say or buy anything for her that will make her come back right now. Its all about ACTIONS. She will be watching, she will check up on you, so put yourself in a position where you can be your best in those situations.

 

As much as her lies hurt you can bring them up LATER, right now you are on thin ice and you have to be a strong, caring, man.

 

Discussing your problems is not a bad thing, it can help both of you to better understand what happened and how to improve them. Avoid arguments, if you see one coming on just diffuse it. How you may ask?

 

If she starts accusing you for something and you know she is being over the top, just say something to the tune of "I'm sorry you feel that way, I would never want you to feel hurt."

 

By saying that you are not admitting to anything. You are showing you can listen to her however, and that you care about her feelings.

 

Stay in NC with her, if she contacts you keep it light, kid around with her a bit, make it FUN, INTERESTING, dont tell her too much about what you've been up to, DO TELL HER ABOUT ADVENTURES YOU AND THE KIDS DID.

 

You need to do this for AWHILE, it will make her thing maybe something has changed, it needs to be a new and consistent behavior though or else she will be gone for good.

 

There is damage here, and it will not be easy to get her back. Good Luck.

[vandgsmom]

I like what Iceman85 said. Whatever you do, though, BE CONSISTENT.

 

You have shown her a history of unpredictable, irrational behavior in the past, so to show her you have changed will take time and consistency now. 3-6 months of always showing up on time to pick up the kids, always calling to check on the at the same day and time. NEVER EVER blowing up to her over the phone or at the new guy she is living with...

 

Get me?

 

Also-- the rest of the story about the internet guy makes for interesting reading. I can't say I haven't seen it happen where a woman will lose interest in her man because he isn't doing right and then emotionally move on to the first man who offers her shelter from him. The first guy is such an * * * or so detached from the relationship that he dosen't even see it coming until it hits him....

 

I know alot of people are going to jump down my throat when I say this, but if your daughter brings the guy up again, ask her how she likes her new house, and did they get all of their furniture put together right? and does she like her new bedroom? and does mommy sleep with her, or where does mommy sleep? Kids can tell you alot indirectly without traumatizing them or them even realizing you are tearing your guts out hearing it. When she tells you, then move on to , so have you eaten ice cream today? or something benign.

 

NC w/ her means NC w/ your kids, but you could arrange to take them more often. But some furniture too, make your space look like a home where you are being a responsable adult NOT wallowing in his own pity party. It will drive her nuts that you aren't wishing for death missing her, and the kids will have such wonderful reports on what they did at daddys house.

 

OFF TOPIC-- yes that is the color of my eyes. I do think the color is slightly enhanced on the computer, but that is really what they look like....

[hrtbrkn]

Ok not a good day. As I stated in the morning it did not feel good. I left to work and at lunch my car would not start. Carp thats the last thing I needed!!

The worst part is I had an appointment with something relating to me and her. I could not make the appointment and had to text her telling her. At first she said I was making things up. I explained I was not and I was in trouble with out a car. Well I think she felt sorry for me, which I hate. She asked what was wrong with my car and I tried to explain, its going to be expensive and I really dont got money right now. She said how I should not give her any money this month and to fix my car. She went ahead and called her dad and he helped her out with some cash for the month. Its all good but it makes me feel like crap. I wanna show her am responsible and give her money for the kids. But I also need to fix my car. What do I do? We talked for more then we should have, like always. I explained how I didnt want her to feel sorry for me and I would deal with it. She said how strong of a man I was before she left me and why couldnt I figure something out, I was always so smart. I made a BAD mistake and told her that the reason I felt so confident when I was with her was because she was always there for me, and it didnt matter wheteher I succeeded or failed she was always there. If that wasnt enough I admitted to me feeling scared at the thought of not being with her. I mean this whole day started bad and ended bad. She kept on calling me throught out the day wondering how I was doing. It made me feel great but also makes me feel like she just feels sorry for me and what she did. She says thats not it, that she thinks I would do the same for her if she was in trouble. I alsmot asked her to comeback again, but I stopped myself. I love her so much and want her to comeback. What do I do?

[vandgsmom]

You want her to come back to you because you have your junk so together that all other men pale in comparison;

 

NOT because she is turning on the mothering instincts and feeling like you are a child that she needs to help out of the mess that you got yourself in to.

 

I don't care if you have to go sell a kidney, you get your child support together this month, and if you have to get a 2nd or 3rd job, you get your car fixed ASAP. Don't lean on her. Don't play your violin of sorrows to her either. When she asks how you are, say fine. What kind of appointment did you miss? Therapy? Court? Probation? That makes a difference.

 

I hate to be so negative, but it is beginning to sound to me like you are already trying to start making excuses as to why and how this is not going to work....

[hrtbrkn]

I will send her the money for the kids. Am not trying to make excuses, really am not. Its just so hard, it was a tough day to start the NC. She mentioned something about getting together, but I refused to talk about it and did not even reply to it. So as far as that goes I did good, I think. Am going to need a lot of self control to do this. The appointment I missed was with an attorney regarding our bk chapter 13, things got out of control when she left. will see what happens.

[vandgsmom]

Good. You can get yourself together. I have done it, more than half the people that come here have done it in one form or another, and if you can muster the willpower to match the emotions you say you feel for your wife, then you can do it too.

 

If she wants to talk about getting together, don't just ignore the comment. Say that in your heart of hearts that is exactly what you want too, but right now what you want to do is to prove by your actions that you are getting yourself together and that you are the kind of man that she would want to be with. Tell her that no matter what, you would not want to break her heart again, and that you have finally decided that honoring her need for space is exactly the right thing to do. Tell her it will also give her a chance to observe you to see that you are sincere, and also for her to be 100% sure that even if you do change that she would still want to be with you.

 

And leave it at that. No discussion, just a simple mission statement, and then move on the conversation or get off the phone. It will leave her thinking and before you know it she will be knocking on your door.

 

You are moving more in the right direction....

[hrtbrkn]

Tough day, again. Wife called in the morning, didnt want to answer but still did. Talked for a while but did not argue. I told her I wanted respect her and give her time and space. She agreed. I also told her I needed mine too, so to stop calling me unless she had to. It felt so good to tel her that. At the end I told her I loved her and so did she. I hope I can go through with this. I keep on reading what iceman wrote about NC, its the only thing thats keeping me from calling her and finding out what she is doing. Its so hard !!! But if I really love her and respect her, I will respect her wishes to be left alone until she is ready.

[vandgsmom]

Good Job! You were honest about your intentions, to the point in your necessary conversation, and made yourself clear enough that she agreed with you. You even got the added bonus of her telling you that she loved you. Let that carry you through the NC for a while.

 

Now--- about the rest of your life. What are you doing to change that, because the NC is only solving a VERY SMALL part of the problem.

[hrtbrkn]

oh my god it only get worst!! is it ever gonna stop?? I read an email were she calls the other guy her boyfriend. I got so mad and called her, it only got bad. She tried to explain but am done with it I think. I am thinking about moving on. I dunno if I can keep on getting hurt by her like this anymore. The worst part is she does not see it. All she can say is I need time and am confused. But am tired of her drama. AM MOVING ON !!!!