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The toughest situation I've ever been in. Please help


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I wasn't sure where to post this so I hope this is the right place.

 

I am having a huge dilema. I am caught between two people. Two good friends. And I dont know what to do. It seems like whichever decision I pick will hurt someone or be wrong somehow.

 

Well here's what the situation is...

One of my close male friends (we'll call him Tom) has been having a relationship with one of my close female (my gender) friends (we'll call her Sarah.). I had known Tom a lot longer than Sarah and have been pretty good friends with him. I even had feelings for him and often still do even though I know that I shouldnt... but that's beside the point. Eventually I got over those feelings and coincidentally Sarah started liking Tom (I never told Sarah I liked Tom. I'm not even sure she knew I was friends with him at the time.). Well Sarah has a history of playing guys so I took it to be nothing serious. I figured they'd maybe hook up and it would be over. But surprisingly they developed feelings for eachother and established, although unofficial, a relationship. They said "I love you" and had dates and hung out etc. Sarah meant the world to Tom and he often told me how much he loves her. Sarah did too but I was still a bit weary because of her history with men.

 

This is where it gets messy...

Tom went away on a 5 week trip. I remember him telling me he couldn't wait to get back and see Sarah and he hoped they would still have the great relationship they had before. By this time I figured Sarah would still love him and wouldn't go with other guys or anything. I assumed her love for him was true. But come to find out it wasn't because she cheated. 6 Times. Three times was sex and the other times were oral or other things. At first I was shocked. And then disappointed she was back to her old ways. I haven't hung out with her since then because I am so disappointed in her actions. She made me promise not to tell anyone. And to keep the secret. Being her friend I promised I would. I didnt want to spread anything anyways. I figured she would have the decency to tell Tom herself what she had done.. or at least end their relationship. But now he loves her more than ever and she hasn't and does not plan on telling him.

 

I am so sad about this. I don't know what to do. Tom is my friend and I have told him things and kept his secrets and talked to him about a lot of things. He keeps telling me that he wants to get together with her and re-kindle what was there when he left on his trip. And everytime he says this my heart just breaks and I feel so guilty. I feel like I should tell him. He deserves better than this. He thinks its true love and little does he know what happened. He has had messy relationships in the past and has been cheated on before and I don't want him to get hurt. But then I remember that I promised Sarah. I never break promises. Especially of a good friend. Even if I did tell Tom, I don't know how to do it. I can't imagine his reaction and his broken heart. I love him and I don't want to hurt him. But I also dont want to hurt Sarah either. She would never forgive me if I told him. Does she deserve my promise? I don't know what to do. I'm sorry if this whole story is confusing and that It's so long.

 

Please help

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I think you should tell Sarah first you're going to tell him if she doesn't. Either way, she's going to be majorly upset with you, but I think this is a good compromise for your own self, since you don't want to feel you're breaking a promise without first explaining why.

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I think you should tell Sarah first you're going to tell him if she doesn't. Either way, she's going to be majorly upset with you, but I think this is a good compromise for your own self, since you don't want to feel you're breaking a promise without first explaining why.

 

yeah that does sound good. Thank you so much for the advice.

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I also think you should go to Sarah and tell her that you think SHE needs to tell Tom. Give her a 'deadline' to do it by, and if she doesn't, then you need to do it yourself...of course, as kindly and gently as possible. You have been closer to Tom, and he clearly deserves not to be hurt, but he also deserves to know the truth about Sarah.

 

Not to mention, sounds like Sarah needs a crash course in reality - 6 sex partners in 5 weeks? HELLO? Anyone else seeing red flags here?

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