marriage is in trouble,don't know what to do

[2confused]

hi everyone i have a problem. i don't know how to work through. i am a married mother of 3 children. i have been with my husband for 9 years.the problem i have is that i don't believe there is any love in our marriage anymore.we fight all the time, and he ignores me when we are not fighting.i am just not happy anymore, but i don't know what to do.on top of it all.i am believe i am falling in love with someone else.i can't talk to my family or friends about it cause i don't think they would understand.this guy that i am falling in love with is an old boyfriend. we never really broke up. he just joined the military, and we lost touch. we have recently gotten back in touch with each other about a year ago, and i realized that the feelings i had for him are not gone.i just don't know what to do. can anyone help me??

[lost29]

Have you tried therapy for your marriage?

[2confused]

nope haven't my husband won't go to nothing like that.he figures any issues that are had are mine, and that i should deal with them.

[avman]

Is there any chance that the satisfaction in your marriage dropped around a year ago? Right around the time you got back in touch with your ex boyfriend?

 

Be honest.

[Shadows Light]

Dear Confused....

 

Ever heard of Maslows Heriarchy of needs? Its a pyramid of peoples NEEDS. (basically in a nutshell). At the bottom of the pyramid is PHYSIOLOGICAL needs.. (food, water, shelter). Then the next step up is SAFETY needs (feeling relatively safe from the environment and other people) and then.. BELONGINGNESS & LOVE needs.

 

And humans are a social animal. We need people to feel good about ourselves. We need to be loved. And there are many ways to obtain that love.. whether its from social interaction or through a mate.

 

Don't mean to sound clinical... just trying to get a read on what may be wrong. You are not getting your emotional needs met from your partner. So now, since someone else is paying you a bit of attention... it feels good. It is attracting you like a moth to the flame.

 

And there is the crux of it "confused" if you pursue this.. you will get burned. It will hurt you in countless ways. So put that thought out of your mind... and step away from it at this time.

 

You have a commitment and a marriage. Supposedly. It just doesnt' feel like a marriage right now. 3 kids, a house in the burbs, mounting bills and 2 full time jobs.. (I'm assuming) can take its toll on a marriage.

 

You've lost connection with your husband and thats NOT a good thing. So... being the ever creative project planner you are (your a mom... so this comes naturally)... get pen to paper and start writing down your options on possible fixes.

 

Marriage counseling. He won't go. How strenuously have you pursued it?

 

If not marriage counseling as a couple... I suggest you go in for yourself. a counselor can help you sort your thoughts out and your options.

 

List what you see as the issues in the marriage. And at the same time list possible solutions. Sit down with your husband in a non-confrontational manner and just talk to him. You have 3 children and 9 years invested...what is it gonna take?? It can not continue this way else you will destroy yourselves... and your children deserve to "see" what a loving home and loving couple looks like. Do not make the mistake many make....children see and hear everything. The way the both of you behave becomes a bench-mark for them andthe way they will behave in their marriages.

 

Your husband can not be happy either. Neither of you are communicating except for argueing. Something has got to give here one way or another.

 

You can not change or force your husband to change. you can only change yourself and the way you behave and react to him.

 

Once you have turned every stone that can be turned.. and tried everythng you can to turn this thing around. And if it still is NOT working...then consider "ALL" your options very carefully.

 

But for pete's sake... do not get involved in an affair. You'll end up hurting yourself in the end.

[2confused]

ok so this is it. our marriage has been rocky for a few years now. it didn't start to get rocky when i got back in touch with my ex. i have tried talking to my husband but its like butting my head against a brick wall. i can probebly narrow it down to a specific time when our marriage went down hill. about 3 and a half years ago my husband bought an xbox. when he got that he started ignoring me.now he has a 360 and xbox live so when he is not working thats where he is planted on the couch with that.don't wanna get into details, but he barley touches me anymore. i mean when your husband is playing video games and you come out wearing some sexy lingerie, and he doesn't even bat an eye, and continues playing his game. a woman starts to think there is deffinatly something wrong with her.i would never cheat on my husband. i may be developing feeling for someone else, but i would never act apon them.if our marriage is something that can't be fixed, and we do separate. i want us to be able to talk, and be friends. its way better for the kids if you get along, and i do still love my husband. i am 30 years old, and he is 32, and we never go anywhere anymore. he says he is too old to go out dancing or to the bar for a drink. all he wants to do is stay home with the video games.i just don't know what else to do. he won't go to counciling cause he doesn't really think there is anything wrong, and if i am unhappy it has nothing to do with him or so he thinks.

[Shadows Light]

Confused...

 

The lingerie bit... I've been there, so I do know how you must have felt.

You sense of worth just plummets to the depths. I know.

 

Your husband is wrong... if its wrong for one.. its wrong for both. Your marriage is in trouble. Try going to counseling on your own... to see if you can get any idea's from them on how to approach your "H". At least then you will know that you have at least tried every avenue of trying to get this thing back on the tracks. Believe me... separation and divorce is a very very painful gut wretching road, especially with children attached to it. So, even after you've seen a counselor... and tried to get him there...and you end up going through a separation, at least you have a counselor who can walk you through the process..if indeed it ever goes that far.

[2confused]

i have to thank everyone for taking the time to listen to me. i will be trying every avenue before taking any drastic steps like seperation or divorce. if nothing works at least i know i will have tried. i don't want to put my children through a seperation or divorce, but it is also not healthy for them to see us fight all the time either.i don't believe in staying together for the kids because i believe that could end up hurting them even more then a seperation. oh i have been with my husband for 9 years, but we have only been married for 6.we were pretty happy before we got married.sometimes i wonder if it wasn't the actual marriage that made us unhappy. i don't see how this works, but i have heard of people living together for 10 years and then they get married, and its only after they get married that they start to have problems. does anyone have any thoughts on this.