Why so insecure?

[counselorcas]

I've been dating this guy for almost three years. For the most part he is wonderful. We have a good relationship. We talk about our future together, we see eachother as often as we can, and we are bestfriends. I have managed to figure out his password on his email account and have read emails that he's sent out to his friends (girls), and his ex-girlfriend. They all seem pretty innocent with a flare of flirtation. Eg: funny inside jokes, witty comments, asking for plans to go out etc. This bothers me because I can't understand his desire to have a connection/friendship with woman outside of our relationship. He has a huge circle of friends, and he is an extremely friendly person, "life of the party" kind of guy. We do a lot of things together and I am very familiar with his circle of friends....but we don't live together and there are many nights where he has been "unspoken" for because he'll go out to the bars when I need to get up super early in the morning. I also check his phone when I get the chance (while he is sleeping, in the bathroom) and I sometimes notice the same exchanges on his phone. I've talked to him about him crossing the line of "appropriateness" and he seems to not get it. He claims that it's all innocent, they are just friends etc. I'm just concerned that if it's a night that I'm not around and one too many drinks are had, that his crossing the line could lead to him cheating on me and ruining us. I know he loves me and I know how important I am in his life... I just get so insecure when he's out doing his thing without me. Should I be concerned? How do I gain security and trust.... How do I discontinue the snooping? Help!

[Sally00]

I have managed to figure out his password on his email account and have read emails that he's sent out to his friends (girls), and his ex-girlfriend. ....... I also check his phone when I get the chance (while he is sleeping, in the bathroom) and I sometimes notice the same exchanges on his phone. I've talked to him about him crossing the line of "appropriateness" and he seems to not get it.

Don't you think you are crossing the line of privacy?

 

After 3 years, shouldn't you be able to trust him? And if you think he's drinking too much, you should talk to him about that and how you feel about it... and how it could possibly lead to regretable actions on his part. Trust is NECESSARY for a successful relationship. So is communication.

[saltwatergirl]

I just get so insecure when he's out doing his thing without me.

 

Well, why dont you try going out and "doing your thing" without him?? Expand your own circle of friends. find something other than him and what he might be doing to occupy your mind and your time. You'll reduce your stress and at the same time loosen the grip he appears to have on you. Develop lots of outside interests of your own.

 

That's my advice.

 

Salt

[craving_normalcy]

I agree with Saltwater...as you know from my posts, I have some of the same issues as you. The past 2 days I've had "girl's night in pizza & a movie night" with a good friend and her mom AND also went out to a movie with another good friend...and didn't FRET at all about what 'HE' was doing...it was refreshing...

 

Pick up a new hobby, get busy cleaning out your closet, do some volunteer work - you'll find yourself expanding your circle of friends and having more interests than just HIM!

 

Good luck hon!!!

[Caine]

What was he like in previous relationships with regards to cheating?

If he was always loyal as far as you know then he should be loyal to you too, also has he ever given you a reason to not trust him? i.e lied to you about stuff.

 

Even if he has cheated on girls in the past also doesn't mean he will do it to you, I myself have cheated on girls in the past (I know I was wrong) but i've been in a relationship now for 4 and a half yrs and haven't touched another girl. If you can't get past this, it will eventually split you up, I know it's hard.