devastated

[singingnotflying]

I'm a 30-year-old woman. I've been with my 27-year-old "husband" (we're not legally married) "M." for over a year now; have known him for two. We're blessed with a healthy, beautiful, 3-month-old son. M. is a good dad overall, but I'm doing 90% of the parenting. More times than not, he's been slightly exasperated when I ask him to do something for me or the baby (which is not often). And it's not as though he's out there with a job bringing in money. He started his own business right before our child was born, but he hasn't kept with it. He's done quite a bit of that... starting projects but never finishing.

 

Anyway, he's been home for five weeks now, no money. He's felt depressed here & there... when last week, he decided he needs to go back to college. But he still hasn't made a single move to bring home the bread. I've tried to support him through it, tried to give him a boost, tried to even take on more than what I already do (take care of the baby, do laundry every other day, dishes, keep the house -- which, incidentally, is his parents' house; they're not here often because they're truckers-- tidy, etc.), but most of the time he doesn't want to talk about it, face life, or says I'm busting his balls.

 

He a computer nerd & is at his computer all day & night. I'm really happy that at least he isn't out drinking anymore... he stopped drinking five months ago & doesn't want to drink. He does smoke (cigs & weed) & drink lots of coffee.... and the computer habit.

 

He actually spends at least twice of our money as I do. I'm a very simple person by nature, and I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, watch tv, go on the computer very much, gamble, like shopping, or anything else that would lead a person to spend money compulsively. I mean, I'm not knocking those things. I was into smoking weed, going out dancing, etc. about a decade ago. Guess I'm just over it.

 

But the thing that just happened that really led me to post about any of this at all: My libido has been nearly nonexistant because I birthed a baby recently & I'm still nursing him... although I've continued to give my husband blow jobs. He says he's not that into sex really (I'm still usually the one to initiate the oral sex), and I've seen the women he's been attracted to in the past... all "of size." But I was just searching for something-or-other online, and I found that he put in a google search for "brunette" and "redhead" and "redhead free porn" a few days ago.... went to the "History" bar & found images of naked *skinny* redheads & brunettes.

 

* * *? I know my stomach is flabby now, plus what's going to come up when you do a search for porn but skinny women in general, but this is what I assume he was jerking off to, and he calls himself a feminist! And you know... I can't even bring any of this up with him because we'd wind up fighting about me *spying* on him or some sh|t, and maybe he'd punch a hole in the wall.

 

I'm supposed to be visiting my folks a few states away in a week & a half, and I'm really tempted to not return here. The main thing about that is, I've told him I'd never take his baby away from him.... and I mean it. But I can't stand this anymore, and I certainly can't live without our baby either. I sure as f*ck don't want this situation to continue on, but I can't talk to him without his temper elevating to ridiculous levels! What kind of relationship is it if I can't air my grievances without consistently hearing that I'm a "ball buster"? Or, essentially, not zen enough about things? Yeah, HE should talk!

 

It's hard to relate after a story like this that we still DO get along, but we do about half the time. Maybe because I DON'T really get things off my chest anymore on purpose. But I want to be able to talk to him about stuff without him blowing up, without him calling me a "mean b|tch." I want him to actually address these issues instead of it just being about fighting.

 

And yet I know that nothing I say to him will make him not look at skinny women & make me have a complex about my body (which is my issue too, I understand), nothing I say will make him go get a friggin' job already before we can't even buy diapers or food (or we're reduced to borrowing money from his parents again), and nothing I say will make him pay more attention to our son & me instead of being on the computer all day. I used to talk to him about *not* drinking, and only when he was ready to stop did he stop. I know how it goes.

 

But what else can I do? Just watch our family's demise? I've also asked him if he would watch the baby while I went out & worked for a paycheck. He gave me some lame-a$s excuse why he didn't want me doing that either.

 

So it just feels like I can't win, and so also like I'm falling out of love with him. But then again, I'm not so sure he's even in love with me. I'm always the first to say it nowadays. And I can't even talk to him about any of this. I'm not as sharp of an orator as he is, and I get even more muddied during an altercation. It's like my brain just shuts down at these times... I can't remember any of my points.

 

I don't want any Ozzy & Harriet bs, but I do want our son to grow up in a loving environment with parents who set good examples for him. And I just don't feel like that's happening.

 

I also don't want him to feel like I'm his ball-and-chain. Maybe I'm overreacting. After all, as the book says, don't sweat the small stuff AND it's all small stuff.

 

It just feels so good to even vent this. But can anyone see a little more clearly into this situation than I can? I'm at a loss. Thanks for reading this loooong post.

[Sally00]

All I can say is that if you're not happy, talk to him about it. And why is he your "husband" and not your husband. Is he too afraid to commit? Seems like ya'll are already committed.

[singingnotflying]

He's never had enough money to officially divorce his ex. He married her nine years ago mostly because he felt bad for her. She was a single mom with two kids & gave him a huge sob story. Anyway, she wound up cheating on him, and they haven't been together for five years now. Neither he nor she has the money to get the paperwork done. So that's why we're not officially married. And now I don't know if I'd want to marry him anyway.

[Sally00]

He's never had enough money to officially divorce his ex. He married her nine years ago mostly because he felt bad for her. She was a single mom with two kids & gave him a huge sob story. Anyway, she wound up cheating on him, and they haven't been together for five years now. Neither he nor she has the money to get the paperwork done. So that's why we're not officially married. And now I don't know if I'd want to marry him anyway.

So uh, he's still technically married? That's a big concern right there...

 

And if he married her because he felt bad for her, don't you think he could be doing the same to you?

[Siriana]

Well this is summary:

1. he's unemployed

2. he' doesn't help around the house

4.he's not supporting you to get a job

5. he consumes light drugs

6. he is not in control of his emotions (burst of anger)

7. he makes you feel awfull.

8. he's still married

 

He is not usefull at all. He is using you. He is making you insecure.Go to your parents and take some time off. Who cares if you said you woan't take the child away. Let's face it - that is the statement that works when you are treated nicely by your partner. Not like this.

 

He will never put any effort in the family. He will never contribute finantially. He has a child-it's his responsibilty to work, and who cares what kind of work. The money has to be on the table. Don't even consider working while he's at home. I mean because of his attitude. If he was really serious about finding a job than I wouldn't say that.

 

He is passive person of non use

[singingnotflying]

Thanks Syrix & Sally. This is stuff I probably really need to hear from objective folks. I appreciate it. It's so hard to come to these conclusions when you're in it yourself, but I'm sure if I had a friend going through this, I'd tell her the same thing.

 

About the marriage: Who knows? Maybe you're right. Maybe he would just marry me if he could because he felt bad for me or because he was trying to lower his taxes. I have an idea in my head, though, that he actually liked me to begin with... rather than just feeling bad for me. However, whether he likes me now or not feels in question...

[singingnotflying]

Just one thing about what you listed, Syrix: He HAS actually said he wants me to go to grad school & that he would morally & monetarily support me in that. He specified that he doesn't want me to do what I did before I gave birth... which was look for any ol' job. He feels I should use my four-year-degree instead of just settling for a gas station attendant position... that that just gets people into a rut they can't dig themselves out of. But my feeling is that we need money, period.

[now_better]

is there a reason he's not looking for employment? i don't care where you live in the US, but there are job openings EVERYWHERE. some are less glamorous than others, but they bring in money to feed the family. i was unemployed for 5 months last yr (willingly quit my job) and at first i was expecting to get employment from an former company i use to work at. it didn't fall through after 3 months, so what did i do? start applying like mad to companies at link removed, link removed, going to job fairs. where am i now? very well-employed, been here for 9months, got a nice raise recently, making more than i can spend because i made an attempt to get a job.

 

when i go to the local fast food place, it's easy to look down on people because they don't work at the greatest place in the world. but they work hard and they bring home the bacon. i'm sure your "husband" has a lot of great qualities (i know people like him), but he's an insult to these hard working people.

 

I used to talk to him about *not* drinking, and only when he was ready to stop did he stop. I know how it goes.

 

this is true. only when he comes to his only self-realization will he make a change. leaving him might provoke him to make a change. if he doesn't change, then leaving him would be the correct decision.

[singingnotflying]

He has (in the past week) put in a rather fine resume at link removed. Why it took him a month to do so is a little beyond me. And why he doesn't seem quick to follow up on that or to look for jobs in town (as he told me he was planning to do a few days ago) when we only have twenty dollars to our name is way beyond me. It seems an emergency now, doesn't it?

[singingnotflying]

Oh yeah, and he'd completely agree with you about the hardworking folks in such low wage, hard-working positions as food service... since he's spent much of the last ten years of his life doing just that. He made a conscious decision to not work in that business anymore because so many of the people who work in restaurants are also into going to bars afterwards. It's like the two entities -- food service & drinking -- are hard-up to be mutually exclusive.

[now_better]

And why he doesn't seem quick to follow up on that or to look for jobs in town (as he told me he was planning to do a few days ago) when we only have twenty dollars to our name is way beyond me. It seems an emergency now, doesn't it?

 

you know what this guy needs? a big fat kick in the * * * to grow up and live life like an adult (he's a friggin dad for god sakes). and you leaving him might do that. if not, find a real man elsewhere because i don't think you want to raise 2 kids by yourself for the rest of your life.

[Aurian]

This guy is a jerk.

 

He loafs around and does the bare minimum needed to look like he's doing something to get a job, but he does not bother to follow through. Why not? Because you and the parents will bail him out.

 

He does not help with his own son. If he is not showing interest in helping out with looking after his kid, then why is it so important that you and your child stay with him?

 

He gets irrationally angry. Nobody should be afraid of having their walls beaten in when trying to discuss something.

 

He does not respect you. Someone who cares about you should want to know your thoughts, feelings and ideas when discussing a problem. He however is basically telling you to shut up and look after him.

 

He tells you he wants the best for you and wants you to go grad school, yet he won't even "let" you go out and get a job. His words are just empty air compared to his actions.

 

This isn't small stuff. He does not respect you. He does not do anywhere near his share to either support the family or suppor you. If it were me, I would leave his money-wasting, disrespectful, lazy butt.

[Stari]

This guy is a jerk.

 

I think Aurian meant this: "From what I have read, I think his bad behaviour outweigh his good behaviour right now."

 

He has worked before so that says something positive about his work ehtics.

 

Him spending when money is scarce, on the other hand, says something negative of his ability to handle money.

 

My guess is that he feels work related anxiety. Does HE honestly believe that he can find a job?

[shes2smart]

Your description of your guy reminds me quite a bit of the alcoholic I was involved with about 10 years ago.

 

I understand your guy has stopped drinking, however he's showing plenty of other signs of addiction issues. Sounds to me like he's just changed his substance of choice from alcohol to pot/computer usage and possibly porn.

 

It takes 2 people devoting their full effort to create a healthy relationship. Can you honestly say that he is putting in full effort if he hasn't even bothered to get divorced? How about that issue of at least attempting to financially support his SO and child?

 

People can fall on hard times if the economy's bad or they have a catastrophic event (like Hurricane Katrina) or catastrophic illness (like cancer) happen to them. But I'm not really seeing that here. From the sound of it, he's not even bothering to get off his butt and look for work. Even in those situations where circumstances knock people down, the ones who are mature, responsible adults will do what they have to do in order to get back on their feet again.

 

You can't make him grow up -- just like I couldn't make my alcoholic ex grow up and pull his weight (financially, emotionally and every other way) in that relationship. You need to look out for yourself and your child, because he's not going to do it. The more you try to force him to, the more he'll resist. Yeah, it's a childish game...but in a lot of ways, you're dealing with someone who is basically a child.

 

When you go to visit your parents, consider telling them the situation you're living in. And, yes, I also think you should seriously consider not going back to him. It's not a good situation for you or your child. The heck with the "not taking his child away from him" part -- do you really want your child around a pot-smoking, often disinterested parent? (if he's got addiction issues...and I suspect he does...he's too busy feeding that beast to be winning any parenting awards) Do you want to be living in your in-law's home indefinitely? How about worrying about money indefinitely and doing most of the physical grunt work of living (cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc) AND most of the emotional work of the relationship? Is legal marriage important to you? If so, how long are you gonna wait til he gets off his butt and gets around to getting a divorce?

 

Girl, you must be exhausted because I'm getting weary just typing all that.

 

If your parents are supportive, I'd encourage you to look into starting over where they live. It'll be difficult and painful, but honestly, isn't your current situation difficult and painful? If you start over where your parents live, at least you'll have a good chance of the difficult and painful part being over and your life improving...and it'll be mostly in your hands. If you go back to the current situation, much of it hinges on if your guy gets his crap together....and what's his incentive to do that? I'll say it again -- you need to look out for your best interests and your child's best interests because he's not going to do it for you.

 

It took me a long time, but I (...finally...) left the alcoholic about, oh, 7 or 8 years ago. That opened the door for me to be single, available and over him when a good, decent, responsible guy who was free of addiction issues came along.

 

BTW, if you do leave him, get a lawyer and and get child support. He may do everything in his power to avoid paying it, but for your child's sake you need to at least try. Come to think of it, is he dragging his feet about getting divorced just so he won't be on the hook for alimony?

 

Life doesn't need to be this hard, and relationships shouldn't cause you this much continual angst.

[Siriana]

He says, yes, but look at the persons actions, not words.

 

He wants you to? Great, now tell me is he doing anything that is in his power to make that possible to you?