Strange situation... need advice

[enivel]

It was May of '03 when I met Amanda when I lived in Maine. I was 21, she was 27. I fell in love with her and to this day she is the only woman I think I really loved. We dated for two months, we had an undeniable chemistry and attraction, had the same interests, and felt that we were the only people who understood each other. She left me; she had been in an on-again, off-again relationship with a man who had a lot of money, he was 35 years old, who she had a history with for a year and half before then... they were on and off. They never slept together, they were companions. I was the first man she slept with in six years. She left me and told me she felt insecure that I was too young and would leave her, and she felt she needed to settle down with someone who offered her more security, and she was in love with him.

 

I kept in touch with her some. I saw her one time a year later during a down time in my life where I was very depressed, we ended up fighting a little bit then, obviously things were tense. I moved to Arizona (now two years after we'd met) and called her, we talked a lot for a few weeks, then I had to cut it off because I met someone else, and I still had feelings for her though she was still with the other man. Then I met someone a year and a half ago and we had a great relationship that recently ended... I had forgotten about Amanda. The other day I got a new cell phone and called her, figuring she was married. Incredibly, it had been three and a half years since we dated, but it seemed like yesterday.

 

Well, let's just say I was surprised when I talked to her last night. She didn't have my number and had been scouring old phone records to try and find it for the last few months. She had gone into to places I used to work to try to find me... said she has been missing me so much, remembers every moment we spent together, every word we said. She is still with him, still on and off, says she is really done. I didn't let her off easy, grilling her on why she is still with him, why if I took her back things wouldn't happen the same as before, asked her many, many questions and told her how I am skeptical.

 

She told me things I hadn't heard from her before. She turned 30. She has a sister who is miserable because she married for money and not love. She has a heart condition and faced questions about her life and mortality. Now she wants children (something I wanted and another reason she left me) and says she has been longing to find me for so long, thinking about me. She really did sound like a different person, so open and caring now, so sure of what she wants. She wants to be with someone who she cares about and who cares about her, to grow old together. She wants me to come back to her.

 

I told her I didn't know, but I'm skeptical, that I guessed things would be okay for awhile and then she would leave me again, heartbroken. I told her I might be moving to San Francisco with my brother. If I didn't feel such a strong connection, really believing this is the only girl I could ever fall in love with on such a deep level, I would have sent her packing... but she has always been nice to me even since we broke up.

 

What should I do? I told her she needs to take action before I do, beginning with leaving a man she claims she is finished with, yet is still with him. I'm thinking of telling her I'm still moving to San Francisco, if she really wants to be with me, she needs to go there, away from the other man, she needs to make a gigantic statement of trust to prove to me that this isn't just a whim, that I'm not the backup guy who she can go to when things cool down.

[Aurian]

I told her she needs to take action before I do, beginning with leaving a man she claims she is finished with, yet is still with him. I'm thinking of telling her I'm still moving to San Francisco, if she really wants to be with me, she needs to go there, away from the other man, she needs to make a gigantic statement of trust to prove to me that this isn't just a whim, that I'm not the backup guy who she can go to when things cool down.

 

That sounds good to me. She is with someone right now that she says she isn't involved with, yet has remained with for years. She is telling you the things you want to hear. I think she needs to leave this man. I think she should join you instead of remaining in a situation that leaves her divided between yourself and this other man. It is her turn to prove that she is unattached, unmarried and committed to you.

 

If she insists she cannot leave, then that has some big red flags. Why can she not move yet expects you to? Is this other man really a companion and not say, a husband? Is she just looking for a fling, an adventure?

 

Good luck. People can change, but you are right to be a bit cautious.

[enivel]

That sounds good to me. She is with someone right now that she says she isn't involved with, yet has remained with for years. She is telling you the things you want to hear. I think she needs to leave this man. I think she should join you instead of remaining in a situation that leaves her divided between yourself and this other man. It is her turn to prove that she is unattached, unmarried and committed to you.

 

If she insists she cannot leave, then that has some big red flags. Why can she not move yet expects you to? Is this other man really a companion and not say, a husband? Is she just looking for a fling, an adventure?

 

Good luck. People can change, but you are right to be a bit cautious.

 

Wow that is a good point, exactly why I like feedback from an outside source. We talked for awhile, I think she might have said specifically they did not get married or engaged, but maybe I'm just projecting that now. I'll ask her next time why haven't taken the next step... I'll definitely get my answer. Now that I think about it, though, she mentioned that she really has nothing right now that is hers, so I am almost certain that would mean they are not married.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I was going to reply to your other post but I'll say what I wanted to here.

It's not karma as much as her making a decision and getting the consequences.

She leaves a person with whom she has a great connection for a man who has money?, it's not difficult to imagine what was going to come out of that and if the other guy is only a bit intelligent I understand why he doesn't want to marry her, she only wanted his money!.

 

But, her comment of "having nothing that's hers" sounds almost like she wants you to rescue her, it's great you believe she has matured but her actions are saying some interesting things, she is STILL with a guy she doesn't love, she looked for a replacement whilst with him and she possibly hasn't been honest with him.

 

I know the feeling of wanting something to happen "after all", I know exactly what it's like to wish a person can finally "realize" how happy they can be with us, the "if only we had another chance" or "maybe now it's really the right moment", but you'll know when you had given enough to a person.

I don't think your ex is as mature as you, I don't think it can work because she's waiting for a person to pick her up instead of sorting things HERSELF.

 

It's always easier to end relationships knowing another person is waiting in the queue, if this girl had absolutely no chance with you, would she leave her boyfriend?, she hasn't done it in years, why would she do it now?.

 

But I repeat, I know it's difficult to get the "what if's" out, so do whatever you feel is best and will give you the most positive results in the long term.