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I am really trying to work through these feelings so please don't think I am judging her here goes:

Just got married for the second time (for both) she has a young boy (4). We had dated for about 6 mos but knew each other for a little over a year. She was very open about her past and the things she had done. She went through a promiscious period back a couple years ago where she slept with 7-8 guys in around a 10 month period. I never was very comfortable with her past, but I do Love her. I can't imagine being with anyone else. It seems like more and more frequently it weighs on my mind and really affects my mood. She swears that she wishes she could go back and change what happened but I wonder about that in the comments she makes at times and the way she is sexually. I had to unload this and need some input on whether I am being overly paranoid or if I should have these fellings of distrust. Thanks

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She swears that she wishes she could go back and change what happened but I wonder about that in the comments she makes at times and the way she is sexually.

 

Believe me, she most likely DOES mean she wishes she could. I can only speak for myself, but not everything about our past is something we prefer to broadcast to the world or that we are proud of, sometimes it's greatly related to pain we were going through at the time.

 

My advice is you stop bringing up the past to her, because it really will only serve to make her feel insecure about your feelings and acceptance of her, and that if you are having trouble with these feelings you seek counselling on your own to work through them.

 

When you married her, you married her as an entire package - an acceptance of whom she is, where she has come from and where she is going.

 

Now, here is my disclaimer. If SHE is bringing up the past frequently, that is an issue as again, it is the past. And in that case, I would wonder if she is seeking acceptance from you, or really is not over those issues that are related to that time.

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I am actually really glad you posted, I have been lurking and appreciate your insights. I try not to bring up the past , there are times that it does come up and in those settings she seems very flippant about what went on. She has also used the past in a few arguments we have had ( i.e. well when I was with so and so this was better ). I know that she loves me and doesn't consciously do things to make matters worse. She chased me down she never quit trying to get us together, I just have this gut feeling that things are going to fail at some point. And before anyone says it I am not trying to have a self fufilling prohecy there, I freely admit I have major trust issues and can't help nut wonder what is trust related and what is instinct. If that makes sense.

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Hmm, alright I change my previous advice a bit then, I am concerned she brings it up as a "weapon" against you in arguments. That really is not healthy, or just towards you in the very least!

 

Kind of a tricky situation, if she is indeed still living in the past in the sense she uses it in those ways, it is a good indication in some ways she is not "settled" in her present.

 

I really think counselling together is a good option, because you need to learn how to communicate and resolve conflict in a way that does not have her making those kind of comments!

 

At other times, she may be flippant as she does really not want to confront it, but I am unsure.

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We know that there is work needing to be done in the communication department. I think the problem is that I don't think she is settled either. Fine time to realize this I know but none the less this is where I am at. Am I out o bounds to worry about what went on? I can't even wrap my mind around her mindset at the time, and I know that she wouldn't do it know. But She even states that she is not sure why she did those things. So I think will it happen again.

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We know that there is work needing to be done in the communication department. I think the problem is that I don't think she is settled either. Fine time to realize this I know but none the less this is where I am at. Am I out o bounds to worry about what went on? I can't even wrap my mind around her mindset at the time, and I know that she wouldn't do it know. But She even states that she is not sure why she did those things. So I think will it happen again.

 

What leads you to believe she is not settled?

 

I guess you did have a rather short relationship before marriage, despite knowing one another before that, so it can add some new worries as time goes on in this respect.

 

Out of bounds...no. I would not say that. Few people LIKE thinking of their partner having been with someone else! This is why

 

I don't think it means it would happen again though...there is a big difference between sleeping with a few people while single, and cheating.

 

Basically, you both have to decide whether you want to live in past, or move forward and create your future together...and act according to that.

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Like I said she chased me down, she came on real strong to attract me. When she figured out that was making me go the other way she toned way down. She was hanging out with a party crowd before and ditching them also calmed her down as well. I feel that she made changes because that is what she thought I wanted and not what she wanted, I swear I am not trying to nit pick. She is also surpised when I tell her that the things she had done are not the things i have done. I am not saying I live in an ivory tower, but I term the way she was as mercenary in it for her and only her. without being able to go into way too much detail it is hard to describe. I just hope my gut is wrong.

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