Chance at getting back together... NEED ADVICE!

[fatfaso]

Hi everybody. I'm really confused right now. I think I have a great shot of getting back together with my ex, but I'm not quite sure. First off, let me give you my history: We were together for six years before this breakup and we're both 24 years old.

 

I started dating my ex in the senior year of high school. We went to the same college together and after we graduated, we both moved to Miami, FL. I came to FL to go to law school and she came mainly because of me. I chose to go to law school in Miami because there was an advertising school that she could go to while I continued my education (she was an advertising major in college). During my first year of law school, a girl from law school started pursuing me quite tenaciously. After 6 months of this girl trying to convince me to break of up with my girlfriend, I finally gave in and broke up with my girlfriend for one week. It was our first break up. I went on maybe 2 dates with this law school girl and kissed her. After one kiss, I knew that I had made a mistake. I got back together with my girlfriend on the day of our six year anniversary. After that, things were a little rocky for a few weeks, but she forgave me (though she did not forget). After my first year of law school and her first year of advertising school, my girlfriend decided to take advantage of her school's study abroad program. She liked going abroad and felt she had to because that was what everybody in her program did. Her being away tore me up... I asked her to spend one of her quarters back in Miami, but she declined because she felt she had to go away to enhance her career opportunities later. She was shifted off to a new location every 3 months. She went to Germany, the Netherlands (Amsterdam), Minneapolis, and now she is in Boulder, Colorado. After she finished her program in Minneapolis, she called me and told me she wanted to break up with me. She said the she didn't feel the same about me and that she was very confused. After her program, we both met up in Michigan (our home state) and talked. We went to places we both loved and kissed and hugged, etc. She told me she loved me, but wasn't sure if she was in love with me. She said she loved her work and wanted to be able to take a job in NYC or Chicago after she graduates in September, and she won't be able to be with me because I'll still be stuck in Miami for one more year completing law school. Then she left to vacation in Miami while I was still in Michigan. I went back to Miami and she was still there on vacation. We met several other times at her place in Miami. She told me she loved me, but wasn't sure if she was still in love with me. On her last night there, she called me and told me she wanted me to come over and sleep at her place. I did, thinking I had to do whatever I could to save the relationship. We cried a lot together. The next day I drove her to the airport where she flew to Boulder, Colorado where she's been the past month.

 

After we broke up I found out that she started socially drinking with the new friends she made while she was studying abroad. She never drank when we were together. She says the most she ever has are two of those fruity martinis or something. She's an adult and she's allowed to drink, but she knows that I don't drink and have problems with people drinking. Anyway, I asked her if she ever got drunk and she said no. Eventually, she came clean and said she got "slightly" drunk one time after she broke up with me, but that she hated it. I also looked at her MySpace account and saw pictures of her making kissy faces holding on to some guy (although I know the guy has a girlfriend). She claims in was harmless and when she saw how upset it made me she said she would never take pictures like that again. She also said she will stop drinking when she goes out with her friends entirely. It sucks because thats all her friends do... drink. I guess that's what people do in the advertising industry. Basically, now we have some trust issues.

 

Anyway, I haven't done No Contact yet. We talk everyday and it usually ends up with her crying. When we fought about the drinking and the incriminating pictures she said she would stop and that she wanted to stop because she hated hurting me. I told her I wanted nothing to do with her and she begged and pleaded and said that she couldn't bare that. We talk nightly on the phone and online and she always ends up crying hysterically. She tells me things like she saw a shooting star and wished that we would get back together in the future, and that she loves me and knows I love her and that she wants us to be together in the future. She says she's affraid she's making the biggest mistake of her life. She tells me things like she's not even sure if she wants to do advertising because she kind of hates it (She says she has a love/hate relationship with advertising). Mainly she says she's confused and scared. After she finishes school she's going to have to get a job someplace. She's very ambitious and wants to look good while she's interning in Boulder, CO, and she feels like she hasn't gotten any work done because of the depression that she's felt recently.

 

I don't know what to do. The last few days she's asked for my advice on what to do. I told her to relax and focus on her work. She is very stressed out. I told her that I just want her to be happy, and if we're ever going to be together she has to come back to Miami after she graduates. I think that will be very difficult because there aren't many jobs in the advertising field here, but it is only for one year... she'll have to decide for herself if she can make that kind of a sacrifice. I've told her many times that I want to get married and would like to be engaged. She said she doesn't want that right now... she's not ready. She said she might feel like getting engaged later, but she feels like she can't get engaged until after she's gotten a job. However, she's been telling me things recently like she really does love me and she really is in love with me and that a big part of her does want to get back together and want to come to Miami, but she's just not sure about her future. She says she has to worry about putting together her portfolio (equivelent to a resume) and she can't even think about where she wants to live until that is finished. I guess it just sucks waiting. She'll obviously have to make a decision by September once school is finished for her.

 

My question is: What should I do? Should I start No Contact with her? Part of me says "no" because we both really do love each other and I think we both do want to get back together. However, part of me says "Yes, I should start No Contact" because why should I be the nice guy to help her through this difficult time? She was the one who broke up with me, right? But maybe she broke up because she's just feeling so overwhelmed right now with all of her work and with big life decisions. I think it could go either way. She really does love me but she's not sure if she wants to be with me because part of her might want to take a job in Chicago or NYC. But part of her really does love me and wants to be with me. I don't know. What should I do? Should I just start no contact? I had that one period where I had to date that other girl to figure out that my ex was the one I wanted to be with forever. Maybe my ex is just going through a similar circumstance right now. I don't know if this break up is for real, or just something she thought she had to do because of the stress she's going through right now. Thanks for everything guys.

[enivel]

You've talked about what she wants and what you can do for her. You need to think about what you would want (assuming she is not with you since that is what she is giving you) and try to go for it. I think, based on what I've read, she feels that she needs to find herself outside of a long relationship, and needs space, but at the same time wants you when she needs you. You need to tell her it isn't fair to you having to give to someone who isn't sure what she can give back. Tell her you'll give her space, but in the meantime you have a life to live.

 

Also, I'm not trying to make you paranoid, but you have to consider the possibility that she has met someone else you don't know about. That's the first thing I thought about, as to what is holding her back. If she wanted to be with you and there was no one else involved, she would just tell you that you two are still together, but the relationship is going to have to slow down for awhile.

[heloladies21]

Nah, this career excuse is just a cover up for the real reason she broke up with you. I can't tell the real reason without knowing more of the inside scoop and usually us guys mis attribute reasons for the break up after getting dumped, but the real reason doesn't matter anyways. What you need to do is the same no matter what.

 

Think about it from her point of view. Right now she has the best of both worlds. She's living the single life and all of the good things that come with it while having you there waiting in the wings giving her all of the security and support that come along with a relationship, except without the commitment.

 

Being her friend like this will lead to her keeping you around giving you false hope until she finds some other guy who captures her, at which point she'll drop you leaving you broken. See it happen every time.

 

So the only other choice is to have a final talk with her explaining how you feel and what you want. No trying to convince her or any of that. Just explain what you're looking for. If she's not on board, that's when it's time for NC as you are not looking to just be friends. This is what to do if you wanna do what's right for you.