just need some advice (thanks)

[life_of_ai]

my g/f of 3.5 years broke up with me. she told me that she wanted the single life, then she told me she didnt want a serious relationship. of the 2 of us, she is the one who took it to the "serious" level, telling me the next ring i buy for her should be an engagement ring, ect. well, 2 weeks after we broke up, she starts dating another guy, i think thats why she left me. they hung out doing h/w while we were together, i saw her getting attracted to him, i couldnt do anything about it, (we're in college). ive been doing nc, but still talking 1-2 times a week, im at the point where im able to talk to her a little, but then i accidently find out they're having sex. and that just plays in my head over and over again. its hard to know she said she didnt want a relationship, but then all this happens, 2 weeks after we break up. now shes friends with all his friends. we've known eachother for 5 years, we dont wanna lose our friendship, but i think i know that is gonna happen. she'll always be too busy with him and his friends and we dont do anything together, im not even sure if im capable of seeing her yet (im home from college from the summer). i just need some advice on what i should be doing. i do miss her alot. and i wonder if she misses me, i know she thinks about me cuz she is the one who calls me.

 

but i wonder if she calls cuz shes bored (she tells me that), or cuz all her new friends/bf are busy. cuz if thats the case, ill just leave her alone.

 

i talked to her yesterday and she said she "drove back down", meaning she visited him over the weekend. and last night all i could think about is them sleeping together and what happened. it hurts to know she didnt want a relationship with me and suddenly get with him and shes already having sex with him and all.

 

they always say, she'll realize her mistake later cuz she ended a relationship and rushed into another one. is that true? will one day will she realize that she may have made a mistake? it cant be too healthy getting into a new relationship after 3.5 years and already having sex with the guy. right?

 

please let me know

 

thanks

[sky58]

Honestly, from my own experience, I think she is rushing into another relationship and it'll be a mistake to her later IF she really cares about you. It seems like she went to chase after another guy for one reason or another and left you with a crappy excuse because if she didn't want a serious relationship, she would have figured that out a long time ago rather than right now. It also seems odd that she was the one who took you to that serious level and then say "Oh, I don't want a serious one anymore." Yea, it isn't heathly for her to do that and jump into another relationship right away. She didn't take time to reflect and figure out what she could have done better, grow as a person, etc...

 

First and for most, I think you need to do a literal NC meaning no contact with her period. The more you know at this point, the more it's just going to drive you nutts and hurt you more. If she's with this new guy, do you think she's thinking about you? Probably not in the same way as she once did or the way you want her to. The point being is she doesn't want to be with you. Period. That's it. You need to realize that. You can't hold on to any hope for the future because that'll prevent you from moving on. It'll drive you nutts daily and it'll continue to hurt. The damage is done and as it looks, there is still damage being done as she continues with this new guy. You don't need this and what you need to do is let go. The less you know, the better it is. Trust me.

 

Even if she realizes she made a mistake it doesn't mean she'll come back either. It may take years for her to realize or she may never at all, but that isn't your problem. Focus on yourself and if you haven't allowed yourself to grieve, do so. Start the process of moving on because really, you have no reason to right now.

[Siriana]

This answer you got from sky 58 is really great, there is nothing more to add.

 

Don't torture yourself, don't hurt yourself by staying in contact with her.

 

Try to think about it this way:

It's not your problem she wants to call you once in a while. Like she has to have everything she wishes for. She left you by her choice. That means she has no right bumping into your life anymore, calling when she's bored etc.

I really don't have such a good oppinion toward the people who dump someone and than still contact the poor guy/girl. They never done it for your own good -their reasons are purely selfish.

 

Think of it as a way of puting your foot down. NC all along.

 

She is wrong, she will get it, but trust me to late and you will not benefit from that.

[BellaDonna]

I'm not saying you should be mean and bitter toward her- because resentment and anger take up too much of your valaube energy. But I also don't think you should let her have her cake and eat it too. I don't think this friendship with her is healthy for you- and I agree that you should begin No Contact.

 

It's time for you to be with your friends, to get out there into the world yourself and experience new things. Don't wait around for her to realize her mistakes. She took you for granted- work on realizing that you deserve better.

 

BellaDonna

[Bounder]

Wow, your post sounds like me this time last summer. I did the NC route, and she came back. And they are right, dont try and find everything out, because if you dont like it, even if she comes back its hard to get over that. Focus on you, and what makes you happy. For me it was training for cycling and getting back on my thesis work. The nightmares took a while to go away (imagining her with someone else, laughing at me, being fooled etc.) but i think with time they go away. They may come back from time to time. All the best, and pm me if you want to rant a bit