First time poster needing advice

[craving_normalcy]

My boyfriend and I lived together for about 15 months, until it was just becoming obviously clear that SOMETHING had to change because things were going downhill fast. I didn't trust him 100%, we argued quite a bit, and he and my daughter didn't always see eye to eye. We still love each other, but he moved out & got his own place about 2 miles away. We didn't break up, and continued to see each other exclusively, hoping the 'space' would clear up the constant bickering that was going on while we were co-habitating. We also decided we DO want to keep the relationship, and began couples counseling.

 

I have ALWAYS had issues trusting men...from what my counselor says, it stems from my dad leaving my mom, sister & I for his best friend's wife...he just up and left, and well, I didn't know it THEN, but now I realize what an impact that had on my life. I've also dated men who were low-down dirty rotten cheaters (my daugther's father for one), so now, I am pretty much DEAD SET in my belief that EVERY man I meet/date/get involved with will cheat.

 

Boyfriend has never really given me any reason to BELIEVE that he is cheating, yet, everything little thing 'out of the norm' sets me off. Major paranoia kicks in and I find myself totally freaking out over something that is PROBABLY nothing. I want to drive by his house to make sure he's home after we get off the phone late at night (details to follow). I want to go through his palm pilot and/or wallet. I want to see his caller ID...it's like I'm constantly SEARCHING for something, instead of just relaxing...and its slowly killing not only ME but HIM and the RELATIONSHIP as well.

 

For example, after spending a really good Saturday together, the following Sunday night I wanted him to spend the night - it was nearly 11pm - but, he said he had to go home to finish up some work on his online college courses. I was disappointed, but he left anyhow. We spoke on the phone a little later on that night after he finished his work. Next morning, however, I was driving to work and get about 15 miles out of town - and there he is sitting in his car, broken down, heading BACK into town. Of course, this looks totally suspicious to me...WHY was he 15 miles from home, heading back into town at 7:30 in the morning??? (Considering his job starts at 11am and is 20 miles the OTHER side of town). So, he proceeds to tell me that he was feeling bad that he didn't spend the night and was driving to my office...he was going to try to convince me to take the day off and go to the museum with him. He was trying to 'hold on' to the good time that we'd had over the weekend and wanted to surprise me (something he hasn't done in a long time). Well, the whole thing sounded fishy to me, but, I guess I accepted it (or at least wanted to). After all, I had no proof of anything different...

 

Well, now, since then, there have been all of these 'strange' phone calls 'beeping in' on the call waiting when we are on the phone between 10-11pm...which was the SAME time he 'had to' leave my house to go home the night before I found his car broke down on the side of the road. This past time, it was 10:50 or so, and he wanted to get off the phone...well, we got into another conversation and kept talking...suddenly, he gets a 'call waiting' call...says its a 'telemarketer' from Montana...he does NOT take the call, but then proceeds to tell me he 'wants to go and run out and buy cigarettes'...Of course, my mind keeps wandering back to finding him on the side of the road...and what type of telemarketer calls at 11pm anyhow??? (Side note - when his phone was turned on, it is still listed in the new phone book under the previous person's name - so it IS possible that someone was calling for THAT person).

 

Am I being totally delusional here? He spends a lot of time on the computer. We are together about 2-3 times per week, and talk on the phone at least twice a day. He's going through some really hard times right now (financially) and isn't doing too great in college.

 

I really don't know what to do about all of these crazy paranoid thoughts that keep creeping into my head. I find myself becoming a recluse - I sit home & don't interact with anyone, because I am constantly worried about what is going on.

 

Please help!!!!

[Goldfish6888]

I'm sorry but it does sound like he is not being totally honest with you. I guess I knew when my ex was cheating. It's like a 6th sense. You just know. Women are not stupid. Although guys think we are sometimes.

 

All I can say is that confronting is not going to help - he will just deny or say you are crazy.

 

Maybe it's time you had some space to yourself. Maybe it's time you took time out ?

 

That does not mean break up, but you could suggest a little time out. I wouldn't even tell him why. I would just say you need space.

 

Otherwise you could just confront him and ask him out directly.

 

I hope this helps. It is hard when you don't trust someone. Our past gives us the experience to know when something is wrong or out of sync. Trust your own intuition.

[craving_normalcy]

Well, the morning I found him in his broke-down car, I did confront him. He admitted to me that it DID look strange. I have always been very accusatory towards him, and I've always verbalized those thoughts...which, of course, is not always the best thing to do. But he's also had MANY chances to get out of the relationship. Honestly, who would go to couples' counseling if they were already so far GONE out of the relationship that they were 'seeing someone else?'. I think I'm just paranoid, and I hate it. I just wish it would STOP. I don't want to make a rash judgment on HIM because of what some idiot did to me in the past - I can't make him pay for someone else's mistake...and as far as a 'time out' goes - I know it would only drive me more crazy!

[Goldfish6888]

Well only you know what you are feeling.

 

Have you said to your b/f that you feel insecure? Can he help you feel a little more secure?

 

I was living a little on the edge last november and I found visualisation very good. Everytime your green little monsters enter your head - visualise yourself as as happy and trusting, see you and your b.f in very loving poses. And imagine the relationship as you would want it to be. Apparently if we can't see ourselves as happy, then we won't be. Imagine yourself as confident and smiling, that you DESERVE happiness and someone WHO REALLY loves you. Imagine that your b/f is really lucky to have MET YOU.

 

Do this anytime you feel insecure. I hope this helps. It did help me. The book I got was called " Change your life in 7 days" by Paul McKenna.

[craving_normalcy]

Hey - thanks so much.

 

Yes, he knows I'm insecure. He knows I have issues. I feel very grateful that he hasn't booted my butt to the curb for all the grief I've given him. He constantly tells me he loves me, shows affection whenever we are together, calls when he says he will, etc. I don't really BELIEVE he's cheating, but those 'weird' out of sync things sure set off the paranoia triggers for me. I will check into that book.

[counselorcas]

I can totally relate to you in a million different ways. I recognize that some things could look strange. No one can say or do anything to make you feel better about this situation. You have to take your boyfriend at face value. If this is a man who is spending 2-3 days a week with you, calling you twice a day, and going to couples counseling......then he is obviously investing a lot of his time with you and obviously cares. No one can tell you for sure what is going on when you are not around....but if this is a man that you want things to work, you are going to have to find it in your heart to trust him. I get the same way with my relationship....I over analyze, lose sleep, and am constantly questioning and fearing "What ifs." If this relationship is meant to be, it will work itself out...Do whatever you can to build your confidence and trust. Also...now is the time to do somethings for yourself.....Don't let your man dictate how you are going to feel about yourself for that day. Be your own person. This relationship won't work if you kill yourself worrying about it. Let it be a nice addition to your life, and not a headache. Hang in there.

[craving_normalcy]

Thank you so much - your post was JUST what I needed this morning. I am terrified of the 'what ifs' - but hearing you reiterate what I have said (about how much time we spend together, the counseling, the phone calls) - somehow makes me SEE and UNDERSTAND it.

 

Your post was very nicely worded and very well put. I was very concerned aobut posting on here because some people (in an effort to be helpful, I suppose) come accross harsh and uncaring.

 

Once again, thank you so much...

[counselorcas]

Thanks for your kind words. When one loves someone they have a tendency to over analyze and freak out. I'm in a three year relationship. I find myself looking for things to be suspicious about. "What did that mean?" "Why did he act that way?" "He said this which probably meant that." I could go on and on about my irrational thoughts. We NEED to take our men at face value....Why in the heck would they invest the kind of time that they do in us...if they have someone on the side, or if their feelings just weren't there. Unless we have solid evidence that something is going on behind our backs....worrying just makes us crazy and indirectly ruins the relationship. We must be strong confident woman. Keep me posted!

[craving_normalcy]

Thanks so much - once again...I agree with everything you said...I've made it a POINT in the past few days to just RELAX and LET GO of all the irrational fears that I've been harboring. If you'd like to contact me (other than on this board, my email is email removed)...