Help required. Or just abuse as I probably deserve it.

[Lauralie]

Just a wee bit messed up this morning.

 

I'd been with my boyfriend for about 6months when he dumped me. He'd started a new job and we weren't really seeing that much of each other, as before we'd worked at the same place. I was willing to work through this becuase I really do care about him, but he ended things because he thought it was unfair on me.

 

I got really upset, and about a week later we got back together again, without really discussing what needed to change. It felt more like he was doing it as a matter of convienience.

 

A fortnight after that, we both ended up at a party with people from work and he just didn't want to speak to me. He completely ignored me until I started talking to another guy. Because I was upset and had had a few drinks too many- I know that's no excuse- I ended up kissing this other guy. I don't think my boyfriend ever knew that happened, but we split up that night.

 

It was still very amicable- I stayed with him that night and we have slept together a few times since. We were friends for a while first so I can't imagine cutting him out of my life completely.

 

The problem is that I have since started seeing someone else who is a sweet, romantic and caring guy. On the surface he seems much better boyfriend material than my ex, who was not very affectionate and had problems expressing how he felt (in that he never would). I do care about this new person and would like to see where it goes.

 

But the other night I went out for a drink with my ex. I missed my bus home so decided to stay with him rather than pay £20 for a taxi (I'm a poor student). I never intended to cheat. I never thought I would be the sort of person that would cheat and it sickens me that it seems I am.

 

When we got up this morning, I made the mistake of being an inquisitive, invasive, nosy and possessive cow and looked through his messages on his phone. I found out he likes another girl we both know from work. I was surprised by just how jealous I felt- it was painful.

 

I don't know what to do. I know I have acted despicably and probably don't deserve to be with anyone, but I'm so confused. I want to be with my ex again, but I don't know whether that's a genuine feeling or just the result of jealousy. I don't know what I'd do if he ended up seeing that girl from work- I'm actually quite friendly with her. Then again I don't want to stand in the way of him being happy (while my heart argues "that's not true! You want him all to yourself, jealous psycho lady!").

 

And I have to live with the fact that I betrayed someone who has been nothing but good to me.

 

What should I do? Stick with the new guy? Let my ex know how I feel? Run away to join a convent?

 

Help.

[coolchick]

Lauralie,

Im so sorry that you're in pain just now You are not a psycho atall and dont ever think that you dont deserve to be with anyone. You simply sound like a girl who was very much in love with her boyfriend and she cant be with him because of his own issues. Everyone who has just had their relationship ended act in a different way but you have by far not done anything to believe that you are a psycho, far from it!!

 

When you're with your ex you are still in that comfort zone and it seems the most natural thing to be intimate with him. After all, you did have a relationship and it was the thing that you always did when you spent time in each other's company. I know that going through is phone is not right but i completely understand why you did it. You want to know what he's been up to and what he's been saying to other people. But ive learned myself from doing that, it only hurts you I used to grab every opportunity to look at my ex's phone but now he could leave it there for a whole day and i wouldnt even be slightly tempted. Only because i know that what i dont know doesnt hurt me. You'll learn that too from finding out about this girl. I definitely think that he's probably just attracted to her in a physical way and that its just boy talk. You know what girl's are like, we say we like people without really knowing if they are relationship material.

 

This new person you are with is a rebound guy whether you want to believe it or not. He is someone who comforts you and shows you attention. Just put what you did behind you and take things VERY slow with this other guy. Just get to know him and let him keep you company. Try and stay away from your ex, have more respect for your body and tell yourself that you're better than that. You can have a lad love you and respect you, instead of him ending the relationship whenever he feels like it and still get to have his cake and eat when he's sleeping with you. Take care xxx

[tylercdurden2004]

You're not psycho. You just dont seem to be able to take responsibility for your own actions.

[saltwatergirl]

I agree with tyler. You have cheated on both the ex when you were with him at the party, and the new guy with your ex. Why? Immediate attention? Disregard for committments? When you are involved with someone, you don't kiss someone else, you don't sleep with someone else, you don't do those things. If you would like to have the freedom to do that, then you remain single and avoid relationships. You can't just have it both ways.

 

I don't know, I think you should be alone for a while. You need to figure out why you are lacking self-discipline in this area, and why you keep getting caught up the moment with other people.

 

Salt

[tylercdurden2004]

self-discipline

Good word. Rule #1: No man wants a woman who doesnt have integrity. Self-discipline is part of integrity.

[Lauralie]

Thanks. I know what I've done is wrong and accept that. In answer to why I did it, I can't say for sure. There was drink involved but I wasn't drunk, when I kissed that other guy I was hurt as things were going badly and this person was actually talking to me and wanted to spend time with me. I know it's no excuse- I'm not asking for my actions to be excused- but that's what happened and I'm living with it.

 

The second time I was just caught up with things being good with my ex that when I stayed with him it just felt natural that we sould share a bed. Again, a horrible thing to do when you're seeing someone else but it happened.

 

I don't know where to go from here. I don't think I'm in love with my ex. I was in love with someone before and that ended badly. I just feel more strongly for him now than I ever did when we were together. It seems like having a few weeks as just being friends has made things better between us. Or at least I did until I found out he likes someone else.

 

I don't know. I'm thinking of telling him how I feel. Bad plan?

-

[tylercdurden2004]

Firstly stop making excuses. Drunk, feeling good. So what. If you continue justifying your behaviour with your feelings this will continue. Enough.

[Lauralie]

I'm not justifying it! I said myself there was no excuse for what I did!

[coolchick]

Tyler plz leave off lauralie, if you had read her previous reply she has already admitted that she was wrong and that she was in a very confused situation at the time when she did it. Its not an excuse, its a possible EXPLANATION.

 

Why you think she's on here? Because she's proud of it? No because she needs help and support and what the best advice is to stop hurting herself and other people. I honestly believe that people on this site should give their honest opinion but plz dont be nasty about it. We are all here to help.

 

Lauralie, i understand completely how confused you have been and the situation that lead you to do the things you have done. The best advice to think about just now is to be on your own. Spend time with your friends and stay away from the ex as much as you possibly can. Try not to persue other relationships because you arent ready for these yet. Take care xx

[tylercdurden2004]

I did read the previous post. Again if you are truly sorry with out making excuses then you dont try and explain it by saying "I was drunk", I was confused" etc. Simple as that.

[coolchick]

So what does she say? "Oh by the way (guys name), i sh**ed my ex last night....not got an excuse for it. That ok?"

 

Course not, the first question a person asks is "why did you do it?" and the person is going to give them an explanation...yes if drink was the problem then so be it....lauralie has admitted that she was wrong and she wants help to move forward so that this never happens again.

[Lauralie]

Thanks for the defence coolchick Not too sure I deserve the sympathy but thanks.

 

I think you're right in that while there may never be anything that can constitute an excuse, they do offer something of an explanation. For example if I hadn't had a drink or if I wasn't feeling slighted I would never have acted in that way. It's little things that alter your take on things. But anyway.

 

I will try to stay clear of my ex, but it's not always going to be possible. He's back doing one day a week where I work now, and both of us are going to a festival in Hugary (his home country). As I don't know anyone there or speak the language he's offered to help me out. Which was why I met him last night.

 

Next time I meet the new guy I think I'm going to have to end it. He deserves better than to be cheated on by me.

[rnorth]

I vote for the convent. Just kidding - kind of. No really; just kidding.

 

I want to give you credit for recognizing that your behavior is inappropriate. I also would suggest that you take a little time for yourself to see what you want out of life. Maybe suggest to your new beau that you are conflicted and you are afraid of being unfair to him; that you need some time to yourself now. As for your ex, he seems to be making his own choices and you can't make him feel one way or another. Perhaps you got together with your new guy too soon; not having dealt with the feelings you had for your ex.

 

I wish you luck. Don't beat yourself up. We all make mistakes.