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I'm In A Mess Today..need Help

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Hi all

brief recap on story..

my hubby left me suddenly 3 mths ago.saying he couldnt cope with responsibilities etc.( no other woman involved).

he is depressed ...been to doctor and has 1st appointment with a counsellor in 2 weeks....

he has many issues inc the biggest which is his 'fear of dying and death'...other issues inc been treated like a doormat by his ex wife...mother...his ex wife has been blackmailin him.

he says me and him are not the issue..and he still loves me..and says he will keep the door open as he not want divorce but just cant live with me ..have family life etc...cos too much pressures

have met up 3 times now...was really encouraged yest as we agreed to go out for a meal to a lovely restaurant...

i made sure i looked gorgeous....and thought that he might respond positively in sum way..

BUT ..yes we had nice meal...but he seems even MORE ddepressed..he did hug me really tightly and seemed to like the closeness..but then i could feel him back off..

he said he had not changed and still wanted to live alone and said that his issues had gotten a lot worse and his fear of dying..he said was now with him 24/7. he said he felt he was sinking into a black hole...

i STUPIDLY...asked him if he would like company for the night...I know i shudnt have..but i so wanted to be close to him and thought it might help him..he said no and was quite abrupt and then i cried in front of him..i couldnt help it the tears just fell...the more i tried to stop it the worse it got...

i have always been so patient and been happy around him and never cried when with him but last nite i couldnt stop it..

he then seemed in a rush to get off...wehugged and kissed but i felt SO unloved and unwanted...

I cried all the way home and all last night and havent slept at all...

I hurt SOOO much and now dont know what to do...

PLEASE help me ....I just want this nightmare to stop ..I love him so much but he not the same person at all..its like he switched off and is emotionless..its horrible...



Love futychick

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Gosh, I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I don't think I could even imagine what that could feel like.


It's never easy when your partner is suffering from depression. It effects everything about your relationship. Depression can make you just not care about anything. And even though it doesn't seem like he cares, it's not something he can control.


I'm sure he loves you, but the person you know right now is the person who has a problem. And it's great that he's going to be going to the counseler in a couple weeks. If he can keep up with that, then it's really going to help.


It's going to be so hard for you. But I think that with your support and the help of a professional, he will get better. And you can both be happy together.

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Hi there. I recall your other post about your husband and how you were preparing to meet with him.


This is a tough situation. I know it's going to be hard- but the best thing you can do right now is take a step back. Let him know you are there to support him if he seeks it- but don't pressure him.


As irrational as it seems, because he's in a deep depression, he views his marriage and home life as somehow adding to the pressure and the problems he is already having (I'm not saying it actually does- but that is his perception). That is why he has removed himself from that environment while he gets helps.


I don't think he'll feel like this forever. I think counseling will help him and get him more stable and you will be able to work things out somehow.



i STUPIDLY...asked him if he would like company for the night...I know i shudnt have..but i so wanted to be close to him and thought it might help him..he said no and was quite abrupt and then i cried in front of him..i couldnt help it the tears just fell...the more i tried to stop it the worse it got...


Just remember, he sees this as pressure.


I know it's easier said than done- and your patience is wearing thin-but during this time of rehabiliation- try to remove yourself from his situation and do not offer any form of pressure while he's going through this. Once he gets himself together, perhaps a solution can be figured out by having counseling together. But for now, do not give any ultimatums, because I think it is too soon to do that. Wait until he is more level-headed and is capable of making a decision.


In the meantime, focus on you. You risk depression yourself. Try to do things that make you feel good and relaxed. Spend time with friends and family who care about you. Take up a new hobby....etc. He may need more time, but don't spend your time sad and waiting...



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Hey there,


I am so sorry about your situation. As you know, depression affects not only the person suffering from it, it affects everyone around too. I did a search on the internet and came accross some articles describing how loved ones can help a person suffering from depression and support groups. I hope this helps.


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I truly hope things get better for you and that your husband feels better. Let us know how you are doing.



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Hi futychick,


One of the lessons I learned on eNotAlone is: One can be a loving healthy partner to ones loving healthy partner. Not much more. People are "loaded" to deal with their own issues and have difficulty to handle exceptional situations and problems of others.


There is no other woman, he still is yours, albeit "out of order" at this time.


It's really sad that couselling is sooo slow to start. Until he progresses by counselling/therapy, he will not change!


As we talked before, please keep yourself occupied and give him time. All you can do is to encourage him to speed up his treatment.


Patience and persistance... and for more ideas: Wicked.

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Hey futy,

You've got some great advice from those above, so no need to add to it much as I agree with it all so far. Follow it, it's good (I think Belladonna's advice was spot on). You've only had a small step back. Take a deep breath, carry on forward. You know the next time you meet (however hard it is) you must try to keep it together and add no pressure to him and wait for councelling to untie the knots. Oh and think about yourself much much more.

All my best wishes. I think your next update will be much more positive.

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Thank you to you all for your thoughtful advice...xx


I really needed it ... I couldnt stop crying today...I guess I find it hard to deal with....it all seems so simple..I love him and want totake care of him but he doesnt want me near him...and then its not simple is it ?

This situation is so hard and cant ever imagine feeling differnet..


you are right ..I may even be getting depressed my self now....I too am finding life a drag and cant smile abt anything..whereas I used to smile all the time..


have decided to cut contact for a while...as when he abrubt with me i always feel so hurrt..you are right in that its his problem and i cant sort it for him..its just a waiting game...

am scared tho that he may come out of this counselling and still not want me...

ONA...hope you are right..in that soon I have positivie news ..will have to wait and see i guess.but you will be the 1st to know..


Bless you all..and i hope however much you are hurting that in some small way you wont hurt like this for much longer..

you are all lovely, kind people..who have made such a difference to my life over the last few mths...


love and hugs

futy xx

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Hi Futy,




It sounds like you had a really hard night.


As hard as it is, the others are right. In my past experience of living with my ex- fiance who suffered from depression for 5 years, part of the self sabotaging behaviour of depression is to push those who care about you away from you.. As Bella pointed out, to them, our love and efforts to help them are perceived as pressure.


The good news is that he is making an effort to seek help, he's seen a doctor, and he has his first counseling appt. in a few weeks. Hopefully, with time and counseling, and possibly medication, he may begin to feel better and then, if you are able to hang on, be able to begin to work through some issues in the marriage.


This is easier said than done for you though- as others have said, it's important to nurture YOU and take care of you, because if you don't, there will be nothing left to give anyone else, your husband included. This means eating well, getting some exercise, getting some GOOD sleep, filling your soul with things that make you feel whole, time with friends and family, praying (if you are religious), meditation, a good book, etc.


Hang in there honey, we are here for you when you need us.

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Be heartened that he is seeking medical help. Pray for him - not for the continuity of your relationship but that he finds the help and treatment he needs.


Then just take care of yourself. I would say that right now he is doing the right thing by being by himself. I understand that your needs must feel overwhelming but understand that he is not in a position to fulfill them. When you push yourself at him like that, he will only pull away right now.


My suggestion is that you forego looking to him for your needs right now. Find other avenues of "release". If you want any window to be left open that you two may get back together, I would write him a note letting him know that you realize that he is going through a great depression and that given his state, your actions were unacceptable. Tell him that you respect his space; that you wish him health and good spirits and that his treatment helps him. Let him know that you are there for him to offer him your friendship and support, but for now that you agree space is a healthy thing.


Just a suggestion. You do what feels right in your heart. Good luck.

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Thank you Hope and Rnorth for your advice..

I didnt understand that those who are depressed push people away like that...I see now that i put pressure on him the other night altho difficult not to do when you love someone so much and just want to be in their arms again !!

I really going to stop the contact now...I really do care for him that he gets help and starts to feel better...I know i may complicate this as perhaps we are emotionally too close..


Rnorth..I think your suggestion is good....i will write and say that i am here for him ...will give him space etc....thats good idea and feels right too...


will do that today..!!!


will let you know how it goes..

thank you all so muc ..am so glad you are all here...xxx


futy xx

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Stay heartened and if his reaction is something else or less than what you hoped for, don't let it get you down. Right now, he is probably overwhelmed with his own negative emotions and depression. Think about it this way; he is doing the right thing for both of you by backing off. Let him get well and let him know you are there withough putting pressure on him.


Please take care of yourself.

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