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I don't know how to approach him about something so personal

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I have a male friend that I've known since my freshman year of high school. We were close in high school but I always had feelings for him, I never knew if he had them for me. We ended up going to college together too (which i didnt want cuz i wanted to get over him but it was his choice) and a couple weeks into the dorm room setting, he and I would make out in my room from time to time and he would spend the night. We were both virgins at the time so it never escalated into nudity or sexual, just making out. By that time I had gotten sick of being confused by him and I had also started dating someone else. I quickly became involved with that other guy and I began a long relationship (2.5 years) and came to fall in love with him. After my break up with him, this friend was there. At first he would give me a hard time and be a jerk about what I was going through, but one night he spent the night at my dorm room and once again, we kissed. This time, we saw each other naked for the first time and also performed oral sex on each other. this happened in April and continued through July. He confessed he had had a crush on me for the 2.5 years prior to that night in April, which meant he liked me while I had a boyfriend. he said, however, that he didnt want to begin a relationship with me because a relationship with me could only get deeper and more serious (he compared it to marriage) and that he wasn't ready for that.


That's the back story, here's the problem. He has had an abusive life. Till this day (he's 21) he is still a virgin, and has been extremely hesitant to loose his virginity, even with me. He recently broke up with his girlfriend of six months and prior to that, it had been four years since his last girlfriend. He's avoiding relationships, he's very careful, very scared, defensive, protective, particularly with anything sexual. I remember in h.s. he would tell me that he would see his 20 something year old brother walking around the house naked, that his penis was so large that it made him feel inferior, then he's crack a joke about it. He's mentioned being beat/hit/punched by this stepbrother. He's even mentioned questioning his sexuality in passing. I am thinking that he is refusing to become sexually active because he fears it, due to a possible horrible childhood experience. I'm assuming a male was involved since he questions his sexuality. I believe he is attracted to women (as I have witnessed his sexual reaction to me) but also believe that a part of him my be curious about a male experience. Instead of figuring anything out, he denies it and holds back.


At some point, I do believe I was in love with him. If at all, he was my first love and i can never forget him. And althought at first it was really hard to think that he could possibly be gay or bi, I do know that I still love him very much and only want him to be safe and happy. I don't want him to end up alone, or worse, hurting himself. What can i say or do so that he can open up to me about his past? Am I overreacting, should I leave it alone and mind my business? What do u guys think?


Thank you so much, whoever you are, for reading all of this. Your feedback is very much appreciated, thank you.



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I don't think trying to force him to open up about his past is such a good idea. Just let him know that if he needs someone to talk to, you will always be there for him. Let him know how much you care. If he opens up, he will do it in his own time. When he is ready, he is ready.

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Hi Amazona,


Welcome to eNotAlone,


One of the lessons I learned on eNotAlone is: One can be a loving healthy partner to ones loving healthy partner. Not much more. People are "loaded" to deal with their own issues and have difficulty to handle exceptional situations and problems of others.


Your friend was abused he needs help. You could consider to send him here and also encourage him to seek counselling, perhaps in college.


More useful stuff: Wicked


If you need help or have questions, please just ask.

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