Boyfriend "addicted" to porn...not interested in sex

[ILFgal45]

(I would love to hear from men as well as women on this one please! Thanks!)

 

I am a female college student and I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years. In the beginning of our relationship, our sex life was fabulous. We were so into each other and everything was great. We couldn't get enough sex or anything related to it.

 

During the past 3 months or so, we have stopped having sex, and if we do have it, it's like once a month.

 

My boyfriend is only 22 years old, so it strikes me as very strange that he would be losing interest in sex at such a young age. He has absolutely NO problem masturbating to porn, though. He does it usually every day and sometimes twice a day.

 

This is KILLING my self esteem because I feel like I'm no longer attractive enough to meet his impossible standards of the women he masturbates about every day. I don't want to break up with him because we do love each other very much and have so much fun together. We can usually work out any problem we have, but this one has proven to be much more difficult, and it is affecting every other aspect of our relationship.

 

I've talked to him about why we haven't had sex as often, and he gets mad and closes up. When he does talk, he says he doesn't know the reason. He once admitted to being addicted to porn, but has since denied it and says it's just something every guy does and I will never understand it. He has also said that he got bored with our sex life and doesn't feel in the mood as much. My personal conclusion is that he just isn't attracted to me anymore. He says adamantly that that isn't it at all. He isn't cheating on me and definitely isn't someone who would do that sort of thing, but when he fantasizes about sleeping with other women, I feel like he's cheating on me, since he is wanting and fantasizing about having sex with those women (which he just sees as objects apparently). He isn't impotent and whenever we do have sex, he gives me an "are-you-happy-now?" kind of attitude. It sucks.

 

Please let me know what your thoughts are!! This is really hard.

[Sally00]

Damn.. well this just another example that proves that sex complicates everything...

 

My boyfriend is only 21 years old, so it strikes me as very strange that he would be losing interest in sex at such a young age.

It strikes me as very strange that he would be having sex/that much sex at such a young age to begin with... Wait, 4 years before that..

 

He once admitted to being addicted to porn, but has since denied it and says it's just something every guy does and I will never understand it.

He's kidding, right? Not every guy does that lol... My boyfriend doesn't and I sure am glad. I'd be PISSED if I were you.

[ILFgal45]

It strikes me as very strange that he would be having sex/that much sex at such a young age to begin with... Wait, 4 years before that..

 

Well, we both lost our virginity to each other and neither of us has ever had sex with anyone else, and we've often talked about a future together so I don't see the problem. I was 16 and he was 17. Everyone is ready at different times I guess. Thanks for your reply I appreciate it!

[lost29]

A porn addiction is serious and he needs to get help if he has one. You said he admitted to having one but now he's denying it, maybe because he doesn't know how to stop so it's easier to just deny he has one. This is serious and it's killing the intimacy in your relationship. It's affecting your self esteem. You say you love each other, but he is not treating you in a loving way.

 

Maybe it sounds drastic, but I think you should consider ending it with him and not getting back together with him until he has gotten some treatment or therapy, whether it's an addiction or just a very deep fondness for it. The way I see it, if he loves you and he's not an addict he would try to hear what you are saying about what the porn is doing to your relationship and stop viewing it. He would put you above the porn. When a relationship is that important to you, you make that type of a sacrifice. If he's not an addict and he continues to hurt you by viewing it, then it says something about his committment to you. And this attitude he is showing you every time you have sex is not right. You don't deserve that. You say you want a future, but given everything you have said to us in your post, could you see yourself living a lifetime of this kind of treatment by someone you love? I think you would be miserable and end up resenting him. Do not consider a future with him until he has worked out this issue. A little porn to spice up the sex life is fine, but it seems like he has a dependency on it.

 

Good luck. I hope things work out for you.

[Sally00]

Well, we both lost our virginity to each other and neither of us has ever had sex with anyone else, and we've often talked about a future together so I don't see the problem. I was 16 and he was 17. Everyone is ready at different times I guess. Thanks for your reply I appreciate it!

You're welcome. I say... talk to him about how you feel.

[nottoogreen]

Hi ILFgal,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

It seems that he may be addicted to porn or is escaping from other issues.

 

Has anything happened 3 months ago or was this a gradual loss of interest?

 

Other than that, I concur with lost29 on how to handle it.

[zippitt]

I have some advice, and this is coming from someone where porn has been an issue in my past relationships.

 

The first thing he must know is how badly this is effecting you, you need to let him know where this relationship is going if you guys cannot discuss it.

 

Secondly, don't think he is doing this because he's not attracted to you. I have seen a shrink about this and men might actually use porn for other things. In my case it was a long formed habit that I used as an escape or my place of solace, much like a drug user would use heroine.

 

However, if his porn usage is causing neglect in your sex life then it doesn't matter what the cause is, your sex life needs some attention.

 

And yes, most guys look at porn. But when in a relationship men usually will share with their significant other, or only do it while their partner is away. Many couples can have healthy sex lives with one or both partners using porn during their alone time.

 

You can tell him in healthy relationships men do not substitute their woman with porn.

 

Ultimately you need to be firm with him and let him know what direction the relationship is heading if you don't work it out with him. If he really wants to be with you he will put forth some effort. Actions do speak louder than words.

 

It is scary because you risk losing someone you love and there will be a lot of hurt, but I find it more frightening being in a relationship where you are abused.

 

Try to remember he might be dealing with some issues of his own, but your own happiness is just as important at some point you will need to make a stand.

[4InchFury]

 

He's kidding, right? Not every guy does that lol... My boyfriend doesn't and I sure am glad. I'd be PISSED if I were you.

 

That's what you think.

[Luke Skywalker]

Negative, porn is not just a 'guy' thing and that excuse is unacceptable. I'm a guy and have viewed porn on three occasions this year - all of them against my will - and have for the past 12+ weeks, stayed away from it. It's a highly addictive 'drug'.

 

Now I've seen first-hand the effects of porn and relationships and see another example here of how porn is ruining a relationship because the other partner feels the guy is cheating on her by just looking and masturbating at other pictures. There are many other stories I've read online of how porn has ruined relationships, caused people to lose jobs, or have wrecked people's lives.

[ILFgal45]

Thank you all so much for your help, I really really appreciate it. I've tried to incorporate porn into our sex life with us together since I know he likes it, but when I do he just tells me to stop and acts like he's pissed at me. And whenever I try to initiate sex, he tells me to stop and that he hates it when I do that.

 

Also, in the past whenever I have confronted him about it, he says he just uses porn because it's quick and simple and and sex takes a lot of time and effort (lame excuse in my opinion!!). When I tell him how bad it makes me feel, he says "Fine I will just stop using it all together" (but he says it in a completely passive-aggressive way, like he is just trying to make me feel bad and let him keep using it). AND, whenever I ask him to do anything for me based on my feelings, he later brings it up and says I am too controlling.

 

Throughout the past year, we have been having some problems in the relationship not relating to sex, but have since worked most of them out. Nothing has really happened in the past 3 months to make him suddenly not want sex, but it seems like the better our relationship got, the less he wanted sex.

[nottoogreen]

What he says may be true. It can be an addiction, also to quick gratification. I always advise people that they only need two bodies and two minds for the best sex as excitement wears off fast.

 

If it is not an addiction, sometimes unfit people prefer masturbation, but his age I think it's something within himself.

 

In any case, looks like he needs professional couselling or at least open up and come (here) to talk.

[TiredMan]

Well lots to tackle here. I don't agree with those who think porn is bad. It's just used for "alone time". Has nothing to do with a relationship in my opinion.

 

Why the interest in sex declined over the 4 years? There are a zillion possible reasons. Have you gained weight during the 4 times? Have you guys had bad arguments during that time? Him being mad at you for various reasons? I know many females have mood swings and this is about as big a turn off as there is in the world. Do you have sex the same way all the time?

 

Then there is the obvious stuff. Over time, having sex with the same person becomes almost mechanical. No matter how much you "spice it up", it is still the same person.

 

When you say "he just uses porn because it's quick and simple and and sex takes a lot of time and effort (lame excuse in my opinion!!)", I don't believe that is a lame excuse. I believe that is 100 percent right. Sex with someone you care about is A LOT more involved. It takes so much more time and energy. You have to worry about pleasing the other person. Sex is great but many times, sorry to say, you just want to get off without having to deal with all of that. There is room for both in the world.

[lost29]

Tiredman, porn is great as an occasional indulgence. But from what I have read in the OP's post, he is using porn almost as a replacement for sex with her. How is that healthy? Sure sex gets mechanical in a relationship, and you need to bring in other stuff from time to time, like porn. But he seems to have a dependency on it.

 

Relationships take work, including keeping the sex life fulfilling. You can't just run away when things aren't going well.

[TiredMan]

i don't think it's a substitute for sex but I have no problem with it. It all depends on the woman too though. Some women actually have a problem with guys masterbating at ALL.

 

In this case, the questions I asked would help me figure out what he is thinking.

[ILFgal45]

Why the interest in sex declined over the 4 years?

It really has only declined in the past 3-5 months. I can't think of any specific reason that it has done so.

 

Have you gained weight during the 4 times?

No, I haven't gained any weight.

 

Have you guys had bad arguments during that time?

Yes, we did have a lot of arguments that began when we started living in the same city again. My expectations were that we would be able to spend more time together, which wasn't the case, and most of our arguments were about that and things that stemmed off of that.

 

Him being mad at you for various reasons?

He has told me that he has no outlet for stress (from school, work, etc.) and tends to take it out on me by picking fights about practically nothing.

 

Do you have sex the same way all the time?

HE is usually the picky one about when and where and how and what time we do have sex. And yes, it often follows the same routine.

[ILFgal45]

Okay, here is a bit of an update:

 

I talked to my boyfriend about this whole problem today and we really hashed it out. At first he got completely defensive and said "Well I'm not going to change just because you want me to so deal with it," which is really unlike him. He also kept saying that it was just something that every guy does and that I am the problem, that I am too insecure, and that girls with super-high self-esteem wouldn't care if their boyfriend used porn. I told him that I would still feel the same way, and we argued for hours. I ended up telling him I felt like I might have to consider breaking up with him if this was something he was holding onto so dearly. Well THAT turned things around somehow, and he was instantly willing to change his ways. But in the end, it all came back to me and my insecurities and him wanting ME to change instead. Any thoughts?

[nottoogreen]

One of the lessons I learned on eNotAlone is: One can be a loving healthy partner to ones loving healthy partner. Not much more.

 

It looks like he needs help and refuses it. Eventually, you will get hurt.

 

Have you talked to him about counselling or coming here?

[ILFgal45]

One of the lessons I learned on eNotAlone is: One can be a loving healthy partner to ones loving healthy partner. Not much more.

 

It looks like he needs help and refuses it. Eventually, you will get hurt.

 

Have you talked to him about counselling or coming here?

 

Back in March, we went to a couples therapist for just one session, and a few days later he tried to break up with me. He was so embarrassed and made it clear that he never wanted to go back. He is also really busy all the time with school, work, and athletics, so it was hard enough finding time to schedule one appointment. And as for coming here to talk, I know him well enough to know that he won't do it. He's definitely a solve-your-own-problems kinda guy and is extremely stubborn when it comes to his perspectives.

[nottoogreen]

[RANT]

Sex does not feel mechanical if you stay away from too much excitement.

 

I shiver at the thought of what goes on in bedrooms of some 2x year olds with all those toys and "leaving the appartment in a mess" as I read here.

 

What can one do after bungee jumping for excitement - cut the bungee?

 

My gf and me have a lot of "unexciting sex" which however satisfies our bodies desires as well as our need for each other and our desire to please each other. It's never been boring.

 

Young people, please stay away from expecting too much excitement. Focus on feelings and balance.

[/RANT]

[Dako]

IMO, porn is dumb, and lacks warmth and feeling.

Maybe that's what he prefers, a nonthreatening squirt.

If he's under pressure, that might be what he wants.

[Cardinal]

How you go about solving this may depend on what you can get him to do since he is the defensive one.

 

He also usually seems to react by throwing what you say back at you. When you attempt to get a person to admit they have a problem, the first thing they do is turn it around and say that you have a problem. Or worse, that you are the problem. Rationality goes right out the window and it can be like arguing with a post. My father has done this for as long as I can remember. He has suffered from depression and needs medication to maintain the right frame of mind (he is doing great now and very happy. we almost never argue). Your b/f won't seem to admit to anyone he actually has a problem and acknowledge it. He is a lot like my father but you have to add that your b/f has an addictive personality as well. Adds another dimension to things.

 

It may be something he will eventually need to see or be shown. He seems a bit introverted in some ways. Perhaps he need to do some introspection.

 

I still am not sure how to help him out here. Seems like a tough case to me. I personally wouldn't want to be with someone like that. There is too much negativity. I am too positive and goal oriented. It can be tough living with people who are not that way. To me it is really his attitude and frame of mind that are so troublesome.

[Cardinal]

It is hard for me to understand what it is like to have an addictive personality given that I don't really seem to be that way at all.

 

I can and have looked at porn many hours per week. But there isn't the slightest hint of an addiction. Though I don't do a good job of suppressing the urge to masturbate, I can do fine without porn if I need to. Masturbation is just a lot better with good visual, auditory and tactile stimuli. And it is quick and easy. I agree with tiredman. Quick, easy, and does a good job of satisfying the urge so that I can go about my normal activities. I am fully interested in it and appreciate it for what it is.

 

But surely your boyfriend can make the distinction and realize that his reason for doing it doesn't explain why you two haven't been getting it on in the last 3 months. If you repeat the question enough times to him, he will first get mad. But eventually you will get some reason out of him.

 

But an addiction? Until some women pointed it out to me on another forum, I didn't even see that as a realistic notion. Now I certainly do.

[nottoogreen]

Back in March, we went to a couples therapist for just one session, and a few days later he tried to break up with me. He was so embarrassed and made it clear that he never wanted to go back. He is also really busy all the time with school, work, and athletics, so it was hard enough finding time to schedule one appointment. And as for coming here to talk, I know him well enough to know that he won't do it. He's definitely a solve-your-own-problems kinda guy and is extremely stubborn when it comes to his perspectives.

He's seems Inconfident, Stubborn and Selfish. He acts like an unfit old impotent man but is young and fit. I have no idea what he is thinking.

 

Sorry, I have no better ideas then to get him into proper therapy or to talk here. And failing that all what you can do is look after yourself.

[ILFgal45]

Thank you to everyone for all your help and support, you have helped me out a lot!!

[TiredMan]

I know you were being honest with him but in my opinion, once the "threat" of leaving is brought up, that is almost always the beginning of the end. If someone I cared about did it, I would have thoughts of leaving myself.

 

In the other post you also mentioned all the arguing. Believe me, that is a huge factor in this.

 

Having sex in the same routine might be one as well.

 

But I also know there are many times I want to get off and not have sex. There are a lot of times because I just need the release but don't want to have to do all the other stuff right then. And in fact, I wouldn't even want to get a BJ or HJ because it would take too long.