There may be another girl...do I have reason to worry?

[jh1581]

Hi everybody. Here's a quick summary of my current situation: I've been in an opposite-coast LDR with my current bf for almost a year now. Every relationship has it's ups and downs, but it's a good relationship. We love each other very much (he says he feels positive I'm "the one"), we talk all the time, and we try to visit one another at least once every 6 weeks.

 

Well, my issue is a girl he's known for a few years (they dated briefly a while back). he visited me in April and on the Saturday night he was here, she called him at 2:30am. He didn't answer the phone, but when I asked who it was he said "a friend of mine." He said she sometimes calls him when she's driving back from her dance class when it's over at eleven or twelve midnight...but it was 2:30am, not even close to being midnight anymore so surely she wasn't still "driving back."

 

Anyway, I let it go. This time he came to visit, and I found out that right before his plane took off, he called her and talked for about 10 minutes after he hung up the phone with me. She knows that he has a girlfriend (me), but during his visit the night before my birthday, she sends him a text message at 2:15am saying "hey!" then "awww. I thought you were gonna be online to talk to me." If she knew he was coming to see his long distance-gf, why would she think he would have time to get online to talk to her?? I thought that was very disrespectful of her.

 

When he got home, I called him. I remembered that he had called his own phone to check his voicemail since his phone wasn't getting reception. So I thought I could just hit redial....I didn't realize that my phone stored all the digits he pressed including his passcode so I ended up accessing his voicemail by accident. I was about to hang up because I knew it wasn't right when I heard her voice. She had a voicemail like an hour after his plane landed saying "Hey it's me. I was just seeing how your trip was and to see if you had got home safely. Give me a call back on the phone in my room at -----." So she definitely knew it was away somewhere on a trip, so why would she text him during his visit if she knew he was with me? Not unless he lied to her about where he was going or she just has no respect.

 

I knew it was wrong so I didn't listen to his voicemails anymore. And just tried to forget about her even though I have a bad feeling about this girl. I called him Wednesday and it went straight to voicemail (he usually doesn't have good reception and I find myself leaving him lots of messages too). I KNOW it was wrong so that's not up for debate, but I checked it again because I was wondering if she had called or not. My bf NEVER deletes his messages (he ends up with like 28 saved messages) and she had called several times, usually saying "hey it's me. Give me a call back." On Wednesday, she apparently was going out of town and left one in a really sad voice that said "hey it's me. I'm just calling to say goodbye to you. I'm at the airport right now. You can call me back if you want, but if not, then I'll see you when I get back. Bye."

 

What I want to know is: Do you all think I have reason to worry? I'm not sure if something is going on between them. She lives in the same city as he does and I'm so far away...I hate to think that he could have something going on with her. He says there is no one else and that he doesn't even talk to any other girls on the phone (she obviously calls a lot). Also she's the ONLY other female besides me that calls him regularly, but in the middle of the night like that? I mean, no guys except him call me past midnight or so. He's the only person I want to talk to that late. I'm worried...do you think I have a reason to be? Does this seem the least bit suspect to you all? It just doesn't feel right her calling and texting him at all times of the night like that. Sorry this got so long. Thanks so much for reading.

[Spidey12]

You have nothing to worry about at all. I am a guy and I've been through several long distance relationships. It seems like he is being honest with you, you might want to make sure though. The best way to handle this situation is to literally be very direct about it..

 

something like this..."hey you remember how you told me about that girl? are you sure that thingsd between you two are just pleutonic?"

 

If he says yes and then asks why you're asking, just tell him you;ve been getting a weird vibe about her.

 

Heres that catch with this, as a girlfriend you MUST accept the answer he gives and move on. If he tells you that he is just friends with her, you should just take that and move on and dont worry about this again. If he admits anything to you, just remain calm and relaxed.

 

Remember, long distance relationships are very hard to get through but if you get through them...it means you've found the one..try to make it last

 

good luck!

[monkey1]

I don't know, sounds kinda weird to me. How do they know each other?

 

I say if it bothers you, ask him about her. But don't make it a habit in checking his voicemails because seriously, it'll just be something you'll feel guilty about.

 

I'm in a LDR too and I haven't been in the situation you're currently in. But the key to being in a LDR and a relaitionship period is being totally open and honest about your feelings.

 

Talk to him and see what he says.

[jh1581]

Well, I think they know each other because they went to the same schools. However, they never went to the same school at the same time because she's 22 and he's 26. So for example, by the time she got to high school, he had graduated already. I know that they dated briefly for a couple of months a few years ago though. I also know someone that knows her and he said that she has a reputation for being somewhat "promiscuous" so to speak. So she may be the type of girl who doesn't care if he has a girlfriend if she likes him.

 

When she called that night during his visit in April, I asked him about her and he just said she was "a friend," but that didn't really explain much to me and I still have a very weird feeling about her. They were also supposed to workout together in June but he apparently didn't show up at the gym because she left a comment on his Myspace page (we have them to keep in touch with old friends and we both have each other's pictures all over our pages) saying, "Thanks for standing me up at the gym. I have been doing good without you anyways. I have actually worked out everyday since." If they never talk, how could they have agreed to work out together?

 

I know he has other female friends and I'm totally fine with that. I've even met a couple of them. But I just don't know about this girl and get a bad vibe from her. And I don't know how to bring her up to him out of the blue since it's been a while since I mentioned her specifically (when she called that night in April). He says he would never cheat, but if she likes him and he knows it and plays into her behavior, flirting, calls, etc, to me, that's bad too. What should I do??

[jh1581]

Here's an update. My boyfriend told me today that he went to the gym to work out (he even called me "on his way there"). I found out later today that he really went to the fair with this other girl!! I found out because a friend of mine that he nor she knows asked her in a casual email about people that went to school with them and when the last time she saw him because my friend went to their school too and wanted to get back in touch with some people. They supposedly just friends so i don't understand why he would feel the need to lie unless he was trying to "protect" my feelings or didn't want me to think they have something more (even though now that he's lied, that's EXACTLY what i think).

 

He lied to me and I want to let him know that it hurt me and that i know where he really was this morning. I was going to just write an email and send it to him to really convey how I feel (it's hard for me to talk about it and writing makes it easier to get my thoughts out). Should I just let it go? Or should I write him the letter? If so, what will i tell him if he asks how i found out?

[SarahRose]

Yes I think you need to confront him about the lie and I would tell him to end the friendship with her.

[Aurian]

I'd write the letter and see what he says. Tell him some friends saw them together and you are hurt and confused because he said he was going to the gym. You feel like he has something to hide because of this.

 

He could be lying to protect your feelings, but you know something...? The only way to protect your feelings is to be open and honest about a simple friendship. Hiding it simply makes it worse. Secondly, if you are concerned about her, he should be trying to make things less threatening for you. Things do seem a bit fishy.

 

I'd write the letter and share your feelings and tell him that you are getting a weird feeling about his relationship with this girl. That he needs to talk about her to you and maybe introduce her to you as a friend. If he's hiding her, then I would definitely get worried!