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meet the parents....you may find this interesting


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well this is one long story to tell ill tell it in a nutshell the best i can without spending 10 hours writing this. i think its best to talk to people in person about things, and not rely on the internet world...but here i go, i could really use some advice.

i went thru highschool and didnt date a whole bunch...mostly because of personal problems.. i thought girls would never really wanna be with me...i had pretty low self esteem. i had a few friends that were girls, but weren't the closest friendships of any sort...up to this point i still haven't ever hit on a girl. i always thought that that would maybe be the wrong way to go about approaching girls since i have heard so many stories of sleazy horny guys just wanting some ass and saying stupid crap.

anyway, two years later at college (earlier this year) i had gotten to know this girl (who will remain anonymous). a few weeks went by, then i went nuts when i found out that this girl really liked me alot (i liked her a lot too), as i found out. it meant a lot to me, proably more than your average joe. i had never really had a relationship/girlfriend before (theres puppy love in the 6th grade but that doesnt count), it was something really new and exciting i couldnt wait to experience.

our realtionship was really healthy, we only lived 5 min apart, called each other every day, and spent a great deal of time together. and yes sex was great, i lost my virginity to her. towards the end of the quarter, we had both decided to move home (southern california) becuase we were both kinda sick of the school we were attending, etc. part of what had sort of brought us together was our having of the same problems and being in the same boat.

but moving home meant that we would be a good 45 minute drive apart, even though we both lived in so cal. everything was still pretty good, although at times it was difficult not being able to see each other as often as we would like to, and talking alot on the phone. we both kinda struggled to get a job, but the thing is while up at school, she had spent a lot of money on her credit card, and had accumulated a great amount of debt, and every one of her paychecks would go to that debt. so a lot of the time i talked to her on the phone sh e was often frustrated, and tired from working a lot, and stress from work. with not a lot of money to spend, releasing anger can be difficult (she wanted to join a gym but that cost $$ she didnt have). when she was in a bad mood, you could say the nicest thing to her, and anything said to her, even the nicest thing, would be taken a bad/wrong way.

i was usually the one to come see her, since her car wouldnt be able to make the drive to my house. i grabbed at every chance i could take to go see her, with my stressful work/school schedule (she has been only working, not going to school). it was always a pleasure for me to talk to her on the phone after work every night, it was always the highlight of my day, despite her sometimes bad moods. i could have the worst day and couldnt wait to talk to her at the end of the day.

and just when she thought her life couldnt get more stressful, one night after a day of work she walked into the parking lot where she worked to find her car gone. it had been stolen. she called me this night, and i tried to comfort her the best i could, but its not much help when u know whatever u say wont make them happy. getting your car stolen TOTAlly sucks, but i realized this was not a life or death situation. i really sympathized with her, but started to get the feeling that i was just going to get bitched at for something bad that had happened to her (as it felt liek sometimes). so i told her maybe we should talk about this later, when everything was calmed down, and less tense, which i think was a wrong move on my part.

next night she sorta yelled at me for not being there when she needed me most, and had told me that i was yelling at her (i am not the kind of person to yell at people i care about). most of the times in our realtionship when we had difficulties, i always admitted i was wrong, in most cases i think i was. when the subject of my reaction to what happened last night came up, i disagreed and having been wrong so much previously, had wanted to stand up for myself for something, and i argued against her. when u always feel like everythings your fault, sometimes u just want to stand up for yourself no matter what the situation is.

from here on out the relationship began a slow downward spiral. we talked it out and made up...but it was after this that she started saying things liek "you dont listen to me" , when i always wanted to be that lending ear. that was one reason she was really attracted to me, because she felt that i would be the kind of guy to really listen closely.

anyway, her stressful days werent over...about a month later her mother had gotten in a car accident. keep in mind she always had to get a ride to work (to this day she still does) since there was no car to use. she called me awhile after that had happened, and of course she wasnt in the best of moods (who wouldnt be ya know), and i sensed her being unhappy, so i would try and say things with a lighter tone, but not being naive to how she felt/the situation. i felt as though if i asked her if something was wrong, she would just get more mad since it brought bad memories and anything negative to mind, and she would just eventually get mad at me for something, sorta like taking out the anger on me. she felt as though i was insensitive, and she felt that i didnt sense her frustration.

another few weeks went by, and every time we would be together, she wasnt as responsive as she used to be at school,.... id want to hug her, be there for her and comfort her,.... but always being frustrated every day, her being really frustrated- hugging and things like that would make her only more frustrated. i guess for her it felt useless.

we finally broke up this past halloween, and it has been one of the hardest thingsi have ever had to do. i still like her as much as i did in school despite the difficulties, and have had lots of trouble dealing with it. i think about her every day.

we had dated for 8 months , and i still had not met her parents- she hadnt met mine either. (eventually her parents saw my picture and found out about me anyway). she didnt have a very good realtionship with her mother, which made her very frustrated at times. you see, her parents have a case of strict asian parent syndrome, and anything other than chinese wasnt really welcome to her family, though she is 1/2 viet and 1/4 chinese, and 1/4 filipino. an asian boyfriend would maybe even be able to take the boyfriend test, but a solid no to any non-asian, when it came down to it. so every time i went to see her, i would have to wait outside in my car, until she saw me and came out. this would be sometimes frustrating for me and her-if there was traffic, i wouldnt make it to her house to the time i had estimated i would be there. i really wanted to meet her family, even though i knew they'd frown upon me...sometimes i just felt like walking up to her door and knocking, that way it would kind of force us to meet, or meet family members for that matter.

if you are still reading, i thank u very much for taking the time. i happened to be around the area where she lives last week, and i thought since we were "friends" now, i would just stop by and see if she was home. and if she was, that would make things even better of course. i hadn't talked to her for a week, and missed her greatly. i knew it would be best for her to take a break from talking to me since i frustrated her a lot even though i never have had any intention of doing so.

so i knocked on her door, no respones. house light was on. i knocked really lightly, and thought maybe i needed to knock louder. still nothing. i thought well, i need gas for the car and food, i was really hungry. ill come back after that.

as i was driving off, i looked in the window and saw somone. well i thought, maybe i hadnt knocked loud enough or they were in another room. after getting gas and some food, i came back and knocked. no answer. i stood at the porch and glanced at the window, and saw a woman walk by thru the blinds (could have been her sister or aunt i am not sure) and knocked again. someone asked "who is it", i asked "hi is _____ home?" she said no, and i said "could u tell her ____ came by?" (my name) she said 'ok'. i didnt know whether she didnt open the door because she knew it was me, knew about me, didnt like me, or becasue my ex lives in a semi bad neighborhood (wasnt a huge amt of crime in her hood, but enough to take caution) and didnt want to open the door.

i went home, depressed , feeling a great amount of rejection.

the next night, i was informed that she had called. i was enthralled, i couldnt wait to talk to her. she wasn't exactly too pleased that i had came by when i got a chance to call her back. she told me things like her younger brothers didnt want to meet me, and other small things. we got into another argument, although i didnt ever raise my voice one bit. i was, however, surprised that she would be mad at me for just simply wanting to see her because i missed her. instead of dwelling on that, she chose to dwell on things i 'did wrong' (as always), like not calling her cell phone before i stopped by. i guess maybe me meeting her family is like some sort of death wish. i feel (and still do) as though if i meet some of her family members, any family memebrs, that i would see some truth in things. from having to wait outside, etc. i subconsciously though she had thing/s to hide perhaps.

that night we talked on the phone, i sort of overreacted and hung up on her after a while of pointless arguing. she called back and asked, "did u just hang up on me??" and i said "yeah", then she said "f**k you, i dont need to take this Sh*t" and hearing the "fk you" made me hang up again on her. i had never once ever said something like that to her throughout our relationship, and never will either.

it was almost immediatley after it had happened that i realized how immature an act that really was (to hang up on someone). i called her 5 minutes later, and of course she didnt pick up, but i left a message that i was sorry, realized how dumb/immature of a thing that was, and despite everything weve ever been thru i still dont hate her. it may be quite the opposite for me though, i think she hates me now.

i still really want to be with her....this week i drove to her work and left a couple messages for her and her friend who works there as well, apologizing for anything i had ever done wrong, and explaining how all of this had been a learning process for me as well, and that i want to be the best person i can be. i know her friend means a lot to her (she is her best friend) and i didnt want her to think of me as just another a-hole dood. thats not me, i am a genuine person, but i am not perfect-i make mistakes. i wanted to meet her family to show that i am not the person they might think i am, and to move past prejudgments, however many there are, if there are.

i am still having great deal of trouble dealing with all of this, i miss my ex so tremendously. i still thikn about all this/ her/ everything every day. i naturally tend to blame things on me, and feel often as though all of this has been my fault. i dont want to be bull headed (although my ex would disagree).there have also been times where she had hurt me, such as her b-day- lets just say she kinda took a glance at the present i gave her and put it back in the bag (it was an art project of mine i hade made with my own bare hands and took a lot of time to do)

part of me wants to stay together, part of me says to have life go on.

sorry to kind of trail the story off, its 2am..there is so much more to say...but tell me.... advice...what u think...anything is appreciated. so much for a nutshell.

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I can totally empathize with your mixed feelings of love, concern, and fustration you have for your...'ex'. Offhand I'd say that throughout most of what you've described, your behavior was exemplary in the face of difficult cicumstances.

 

Being that my ethnic heritage is one that could only be described as 'mutt', I don't know first-hand what type pressure or beliefs your 'ex's' parents put on her. I'm guessing whether overtly or subliminally, there was/is considerable pressure for her to live up to standards/beliefs that are unrealistic. These unrealistic standards/requirements have probably been a part of her life her ENTIRE life.

 

I don't know that you'll ever be able to repair anything with her. Standing up for yourself doesn't make you a bad guy, so don't take any of the crap said to you to heart. She needs to get her life in order, and I don't think that there is anything at this point you'll be able to do to help her along this path, other than take verbal abuse, which isn't healthy for either of you.

 

Just let her know that you'll always love her but she needs to take a look in the mirror and maybe seek help. You can't be her whipping boy anymore.

 

Even though it hurts, alot, you need to begin moving forward. You can look back on the time spent with her as a great learning experience, but that there are some people that can't be helped.

 

Good luck

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