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He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

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Hi. I need some advice on a personal situation and thought I would try posting here.


I was married to what I thought was a wonderful, faithful man for 7 years. We were together for a total of 11 years. We have a son who is 9 years old. I thought I knew everything about him and that we would be able to overcome any obstacle together. Then I caught him cheating on me almost 2 years ago. I might have overreacted when I kicked him out of the house, but he immediately moved in with the new girlfriend and refused to communicate with me for about a year. I started divorce proceddings and experienced great difficulty getting any cooperation from him in all aspects of the divorce.


When my attorney had about reached the end of her rope with his avoidance of the entire proceeding, she scheduled a meeting with my husband and his attorney so that we could come to some kind of agreement and finalize the divorce. This was almost a year after he left and I hadn't had any contact with him except for a couple of phone calls that I had placed to his new residence which were very ill received by the girlfriend ( police reports filed and restraining orders threatened).


To my surprise he was very obliging and agreed to almost everything that I asked for. He also stated that he wanted to "be friends" for the sake of our son. From the looks of things I could tell that things were not going well between him and the girlfriend. Later that evening he called me at home and confirmed what my intuition had alreeady told me. He also said that he would like to start over and made some statements about screwing up his life and so on. In the next couple of months we began talking more and more, and he asked me if I would be willing to move out of the state with him because he was about to get fired from his job and had some opportunities in another state. I agreed and we began making plans for the move. We decided that it would be best for him to go first, get settled (he would be living with his mother for a while at first), and as soon as he receives his partial retirement check from the job that just ended he would be able to afford to move my son and I there.


OK...now he's been there for 3 1/2 months and I don't know what to make of everything. He has only called me once since he got there. The rest of the calls were initiated by me. He's pleasant enough when I call him, but he sounds very vague about everything. When I ask him if he's looking for homes to rent, he beats around the bush. If I start any kind of serious conversation about our relationship he changes the subject and says that he doesn't want to talk about it any more. I told him that I have to have something concrete to go on, but his response was that there are no guarantees. He seems to have made plenty of new friends who are taking him out to the bars (he never drank before) and showing him the single life.


Today was the last straw. When I approached the subject with him, he said that he didn't want me to push him. He would talk about it when he was ready. I asked him how long would that be and he said that he didn't know. I asked him if I should put my life on hold for him, and he said that I should do whatever I have to do. I guess I pushed him too far because he hung up on me. OK so maybe I'm a moron and I can't get it through my thick skull that IT'S OVER, just because he hasn't come right out and said it. We have a child together and he misses his daddy. I also still love him, and I want to give our relationship the chance that it deserves. Am I being too stupid to realize that there's no fixing this? Should I sit around and wait for him while he decides which type of lifesyle he prefers? He hasn't expressed any feelings of love towards me whatsoever, and obviously no apologies for the adulterous affair either. No guilt, no remorse, no reassurance. Does it sound hopeless to you?

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It sounds to me that he is very selfish. The only thing I can say is that if he ever cared about you, he would tell you his true feelings instead of making you feel like you are the one "pushing" too hard. All you are simply doing is asking for answers to basic simple questions.


I recently lost my lover to another man and it took some time for me to realize that she actually loves him more than me. She would never come out and say it. You know what's funny, it gives you some closure when you realize that you are not the one for him or his lifestyle he so desires. He's going to be sorry eventually because once you realize he doesn't love you, you will begin to move on and nothing he can do or say will matter when you do.

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I agree with overcorrect. He is selfish! It sounds like he's playing a game of hide and seek. He hides and waits for you to seek him. Then when you give up he comes out of hiding and say's "here I am!!" Like your suppose to run to him.


I feel for you and yer son. It's a shame that there are people like yer husband--Ungrounded, Undependable and Unfaithful. He is the U-Man, unwilling to make a U-Turn. So purhaps you need to make your own U-Turn and end this pursuit. It's been leading you to dead-ends and frustration. Look out for the important people in yer life-->Your son, and yourself. Life will get better for you when you've established consistency for you and your son. He will surely miss his Daddy, but his daddy is the one running away. This makes me sad. It's a no-win situation when fathers neglect their kids. Everyone looses. But you can't chase after him anymore. And if he suddenly decides to come back to you, PLEASE don't be quick take him. He's creating too much damage to yer heart and the heart of yer son.


I do hope you find the absolute best solution to mend your life back. If there is a bright side to this, I guess that would be that you didn't follow him accross the country.


Hope you discover Happier Trails!


Lone Star*

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Since YOU have gotten back with him...


And since YOU have believed in him that he would send for you...


The only problem is YOUrself.


Stop blaming him. He can only do what you allow him to get away with in your life. He was going with his old feelings. I'm sure he is in love with you but the time apart has changed him abit.


Either way you need to get away.


Its time to stop living for him and to get the "control" back into your life. Stop calling him and don't plan on moving with him. He is NOT going to be sending for you. You deserve better and you will get it.


Sorry if this seems a bit aggressive but you need to see the truth.


For your own well being step away from him ( no calls, dates, moving, email.. anything) and allow yourself some time to heal. This way you will get the colored glasses off and see the real world in full color and truth.


After doing this you will feel better, but it will be hard in the beginning but stay strong and don't go back to him.


Yes, it is over... knowing the truth... Act on it.

Good luck to you.

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