My latin X: should I marry him, or is he just all talk?

[meridian]

I could use some outside perspective, please!

 

For the last year, I was dating (and practically living with) a much older man from South America. He has been divorced twice, and has a 12 year old daughter (who I get along fantastically with).

 

Things with us were very passionate but always kind of rocky- I blamed it on his macho-ness and communication problems, he blamed it on my inflammatory- arguing strategies (as he saw it.) But generally, we had a lot in common, and fit each other well. He even met my parents, who liked him (amazing! despite the age difference- I was 24, he 42.) I had tremendous respect for him as a father, and always thought he was a great guy, minus the macho south-american edge. I am concerned about his being so much older...but thats for another post.

 

The issue now is that I could never trust him for. First it was little things- like, he was still in email contact with his X- fine, but I found out he hadnt told her about me and was leading her on to think they were still together (in case we broke up?) How did I find this out? I read his email. So we both made mistakes. After I read the email- I confronted him (asked him) about it. He denied everything. But, I didnt trust him. So a few weeks or months later, I was using his computer again, and again checked his email- out of curiosity. (I realize this was a violation of his privacy, and Im not proud of it, but I have to tell you the both sides of the story). This time was worse. As it turned out, there was a woman he had met several months before who hed been flirting with for weeks behind my back- going out with her when i was at work and lying to me about it. Most devastatingly- he had been writing to his friends about how he wasnt in love with me anymore, he was spending the day with this other woman and the nights with me, how he couldnt make his mind up really between the two of us or what to do. These emails were to his buds in South america- a bunch of very macho men. I was shocked by them- because it was a discourse so different from the face he showed to me and the rest of the world. I was also devastated because- I had sensed he liked this woman, and had given him opportunities to tell me the truth. I had asked him point blank, if he was interested in her, did he want some time to figure out who he wanted to be with etc. Not only did he deny everything, he also tried to convince me I was "crazy", delusional, haunted by ghosts- which I started to believe. He even at one point, introduced the other woman to his daughter, and then convinced the daughter that because I am just "jealous", he wasnt going to tell me about the meeting- (and she shouldnt either)- so in short he asked her to lie on his behalf. (a big exception to the rule that he is a good father). And there were other women- he would meet pretty women, flirt with them, email back and forth- all the while talking to me about marriage and kids.

 

When I read the devastating email and found out about the one he was actually dating, I lost it. I intercepted him on his way to go over to her place for dinner, and I started hitting him and screaming at him (I was so destroyed, that for 2 months after, I was proud that I did this. Now, I regret it, and am embarrassed that I acted this way.) I also walked right into the other womans office and introduced myself and told her to watch out, I just broke up with my X because he lied to me about her, and he was going to seduce her next, so just be careful. (I cant believe i did that! But I did).

 

So we broke up. Didnt talk for two months. I assumed he was with the other girl and tried to move on. Then we talked. I was surprised to find out that he hadnt gotten together with the woman- and in fact was miserable, had been sick, and was seeing a counselor every week. And he wanted me back, and he (sort of) admitted to what he did, apologized for it, explained why it happened. He also confessed that when he was younger, he was known by all his friends as a seducer- and would go around seducing woman his friends would pick out. Kind of sick.

 

That was 8 months ago. Since then, we have sort of been trying to work things out. I do love him, and I believe that he loves me- sometimes. Sometimes i think though, that he is still in the midst of some mid life crisis, and that once a flirt, always a flirt. His apologies and confessions at the very beginning have changed some- because he insists now that he was never "really flirting"etc. I have had a really hard time trusting him again, and still dont. But maybe I am being too hard on him. After all, he has been, mostly, consistent, for the last 8 months, and I have given him very little to go on. He is clearly suffering. He wants to get married, and he is always going on and on (in his latin way) about his love. Can I trust a man like this though? Maybe i have to right to be so judgemental, since I wasnt exactly trustworthy either, with reading his email. But the thing is- I read the email because I knew intuitively that he was lying to me- and he was!

 

I feel like i went through so much pain, that maybe it has killed my ability to ever trust him again. Im know I still love him, but Im even having a hard time figuring out if I love him romantically or not- and its not helping that now, I am working overseas, and will be for 8 more months. So now, we have a long-distance thing going on. Sometimes I feel like if i could just let go of what happened, accept his explanations and believe that he has changed, that the counseling is helping, that he learned from the mistakes- that things will be OK. If I can let go of my jealousy of the other woman and all the feelings of inadequacy it brought.

 

I will go home to visit in a month and a half, and see him.

 

So what should I do? Should I even keep talking to him? Should I insist we have space and dont talk? Should I trust him? Should I go to counseling with him? Should I move on and never go back?

 

When a latin man says, "I love you beyond time and space and words....you are my soul mate...." etc.... does it mean something or is that just typical? (sorry for making the stereotype, but remember, he was the "seducer" amongst his friends. It was a long time ago, but still.....)

[crumble]

I am sorry i can't offer any substantial advice all i can say is that i messed up on coke and hurt my girlfriend by changing who i was read my post shes got me wrong. i am now clean and i am sorting my life out and to be honest i wasnt actually that bad i loved her with all my heart and now that we have split up i am starting to feel a real deep love for her. I know that when we were together she felt the same. But does she come running back does she want to see if i have sorted my life out and see if i have changed oh no. We were together 3yrs and were 2days from buying our first home. The moral of the story is that the he treats you with no respect and he has shown he won't or can't change and you still go running back. I treated my girlfriend with a truck loads of respect and trust until the drugs took over my mind, does she come running back No. Its sounds to me that what you have is lust not love.

[terepeon]

Hi. I read your post by chance, and I don't usually reply to many of these, but I felt like I should to this one. I originally found this website because my boyfriend proposed, and then broke up with me one week later. I pretty much went into shock. He basically decided that it was more responsability than he wanted, and he has been partying like he's in high school ever since we broke up one month ago(he's 25). Our stories are different, but they do have one thing in common. From what you wrote, it seems like your better instinct is telling you not to trust him, but you want to very badly because you're afraid that the alternative might hurt too much. I did the same thing for a very long time. Only now can I admit to myself that I saw signs that my boyfriend was constantly pushing off responsability regardless of how many times he told me that he wanted the same things I wanted. Actions speak much louder than words. I know that you mentioned that he has been consistent for the last 8 months, but that may only be because he's not sure of you. You know what he treated you like when he was sure he had you, and people don't just change. Especially at 42. They have to make a conscious effort to do so, and this guy doesn't sound like he has. You mentioned that you felt guilty about reading his e-mail. It's not the most moral way of finding out, but you definitely owed it to yourself to be protective of yourself, and he wasn't helping you out. Something else that you might want to look at, is the way he made you feel like you were going nuts when you asked him about this other woman. He knew exactly what he was doing, and he knew how much pain that caused you. Yet, he was willing to do that nonetheless. You know that he has that in him. Do you want to be with someone that could hurt you so much? And like I wrote earlier, he may not be sure of you right now, which is why he is behaving. Just remember how he treated you when he did have you. That is most likely how he will treat you again.

[meridian]

Thanks for replies-

 

You wrote about exactly the debate Ive had in my head forever- whether or not he knew what he was doing. He insists that he didn't realize what was going on, and didn't even think he was flirting with her. He had been through some traumatic events, true, that could have been messing his head up. But I can't believe that he was that deluded. I fear that he did know, but just didn't value me enough to treat me with respect, or maybe just never thought about anybody but himself. It's difficult though...like crumble (?) , the first reply- I can understand that people make mistakes, and would like to believe it is possible that he also was just going through hard times, got confused, but now has come out of it and changed. But it would have to be a tremendous personality change, wouldn't it? Then too, like you say, he is old, and maybe as soon as he realizes he has me back, it will go back to the same old thing. I can't tell if my fears are sabotaging our love, or if they are good intuitions that I should trust.

One thing I know, is that I distrust his desperation.

 

He has asked me to go to a counseling session with him, when I go home. I am thinking about it. But I'm not sure if it will be good, or even what the aims are, or should be- since I am unsure that we should even be together. Could be more lust than love, its hard to tell. Sometimes I feel like life is so short, and it's an illusion that I will keep meeting people I like enough to date, much less marry- so I should let the things weve been through strengthen our love, as problems overcome. Other times I feel that Im young, I should go try to find someone who will treat me better- that I should never have had to go trhough all that crap to begin with!

[Shy_Guy]

Don't do it.

 

He may be sincere in his effort to go to counseling (or at least he believes he's being sincere). Unfortunately I really believe that at least a kernal of the truth in his heart was expressed not only by his words, saying he didn't love you, but by his actions as well (his e-mails to other women). In this case despite the counseling, I'd be willing to be he will eventually revert to some manner of cheating on you again. He's never proven himself to be committed to anyone.

 

A bad risk in my view.

 

I know that a part of you wants to be happy, and there were times in your relationship with him that you were. Keep those times where they belong, in the catalog of memories.

 

Not trying to preach here, but I'm always amazed at how many people, whether women or men, will so willingly allow their significant other to treat them like $hit, and continually run back to them, or even entertain the idea of going back to them.

 

You have the right to be in a happy, trusting, mutually caring relationship, and shouldn't have to settle for anything less.