AntiLove_SuperStar Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 OK, semi-hypothetically (a result of a conversation with a friend and my own personal experience) : You've been with your Sig. Other for a few months. You both recognise it as a serious relationship. You join an online dating site. You fill out a profile and say you are looking for anything/you tick all options/certainly not saying you are single. You love getting messages off people. You don't follow any of them up, but still semi depend on it as a fix to make yourself feel better. You don't want anyone else other than your Signif Other, and know for sure you arn't looking for a replacement. You flirt with people from time to time online/occasional cybersex but never "follow it up" more than that, thinking "well Im so undesirable my Signif Other probably does the same anyway". Is any of that infidelity? I'm inclined to think it is, ie diverting sexual/erotic attention to other people. Its a little more personal and interactive than porn, so I guess it makes it cheating? Hmmmmmm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arwen Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 I think the definition of infidelity is between two partners, optimally the partners share their views on it. I think for yourself, the question could be: would YOU find this cheating if the significant other did this? There in lies your personal answer. For me, yes, this would be cheating. I'd go crazy if I would find out my bf was having cyberflirts or cybersex, and it is for me definitely worse than watching porn. Can you explain the 'Thinking, "well, I'm so undesirable and my signif other probably does the same anyway'? Ilse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Süsser Tod Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 I wouldn't be OK with my SO doing that, as that may mean she is lacking something in the relationship and trying to get it from somewhere else, so I would pretty much feel cheated. Phisical contact is not necessary for cheating, cheating is actually a mind/heart thing. Huh??? Gender: Female Age: 18 Happy bday! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AntiLove_SuperStar Posted April 12, 2006 Author Share Posted April 12, 2006 Low self esteem I guess - hurt him before he inevitably hurts me, because who'd want me anyway? Or. . . . if you feel bad, like you are going to be cheated on, then its always a good thing in a way to have a backup trump card..kinda like *You cant hurt me, haha I was already cheating on you anyway*. Its all very warped really. Im trying to work out why Ive done the things Ive done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AntiLove_SuperStar Posted April 12, 2006 Author Share Posted April 12, 2006 Thanks, I was 18 on Sunday. Am an adult. Heh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellbell Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 OK... What you just described I would NOT be cool with. Not in the least. IMO, this is cyper-cheating. To me, this is cheating. Maybe to others, it is not. But this is why it is so important to discuss with your partner in the infant stages of a relationship what you consider cheating and what you will not tolerate. Then there will no misunderstandings...no assumptions will have to be made. Lay your cards out first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
southerngirl Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 I would consider cybersex... and all that goes along with it to be cheating and I will tell you why: An emotional affair online can and does oftentimes develop into a real life affair. I would not be comfortable with it if my husband were to do this. To be honest if I were to find out he was cheating on me through this computer though I love having a computer, I'd be tempted to get rid of it. My 2 cents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AntiLove_SuperStar Posted April 12, 2006 Author Share Posted April 12, 2006 I was starting to come to a similar conclusion..thank you for all replies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shes2smart Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 To me, the "is it cheating test" is all about the two elements of knowledge and consent. If your SO knows you're doing this and is cool with it = not cheating If your SO knows, isn't cool with it, and you do it anyway = cheating If your SO doesn't know, they can't consent = cheating If there's one thing I've learned throughout the relationship with my husband, it's that just about anything can be negotiated IF everyone involved is honest and not trying to have a hidden agenda. One aspect of what you're doing that's really questionable is the way you're treating others who may be sincerely trying to find someone using this dating site. You're muddying up the waters for them because you're only using the site for an ego boost for yourself. I've seen posts from people on here who've joined dating sites, then post here bemoaning the fact that they contact people and never hear back from them. It's painful for them and they can feel very rejected. At best, the attention you get is only a temporary ego boost that comes at the expense of someone else. Is it really worth it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vesper Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 I would have to say some flirting is ok and probably actually healthy for a relationship. Flirting is just a natural human behavior and I don't believe that once you are in a committed relationship that you have to completely turn off your sexuality to all members of the opposite sex. I guess the question is where do you draw the line and how secure do you feel in your relationship. If the flirting went beyond just 'innocent' flirting and the SO acted by starting an emotional or physical affair - I would consider that Infidelity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heavensent Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 Hmmm, I feel very strong about this but I'm also a jealous person. I would be upset if my husband even talked to another girl in any kind of way that I felt was even slightly suggestive. I think this is horrible and completely wrong. I would definitely classify it as cheating. My husband and I have a complete understanding of what we think is cheating. We are pretty strict with each other and the opposite sex but we both agree on it so it works for us. It just depends on the relationship i guess. But I think it's pretty sick to be doing these things with someone else (whether it be online or not) when you are supposed to be committed to someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annieo Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 If it isn't something you would do in front of your s/o then it's wrong. Besides I tend to believe that things like what you described will escalate in time and there could be a temptation to actually meet up with one of the online people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaDonna Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 If your SO knows you're doing this and is cool with it = not cheating If your SO knows, isn't cool with it, and you do it anyway = cheating If your SO doesn't know, they can't consent = cheating I agree with S2S's definition of cheating. Personally, I would equate any interest in "online dating sites" to interesting in "dating others" in general....and I would consider interactions that occurred while on an online dating site to be cheating. BellaDonna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayKay Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 I also agree with S2S's definition of cheating, it is the one I follow for myself. What would your partner think? Have you asked him if it is okay? If you have, and he is fine with it, then well, that's your personal business between you two. If you haven't, or have and he was very clear he was upset by it, and you are...that is being dishonest and sabotaging your relationship in my personal opinion. I think that going on a personals site, with the intent of talking/flirting/cybersexing to me is most definitely cheating. I have a friend whose boyfriend used to do this frequently, and it really broke her.... For me, I MET my boyfriend online, so if he went back online to look for others....well I would really question the intent of it and the purpose. And yes, I consider it worse then porn - porn I am fine with, and even enjoy it occasionally myself - however the interaction involved in cybersex with a very real person, whom you can very possibly meet, and very possibly develop attachments to - on top of the secrecy - definitely puts it in the realm of cheating in my books. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tylercdurden2004 Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 If it isn't something you would do in front of your s/o then it's wrong. Yup. I think this is it right here. If you flirt in front of your SO and I mean harmless flirting, the soft stuff, then its really shouldnt be a problem. But doing something more "hard core" on the computer that you would never do in front of your SO hmmmmm....... Alternatively teh same goes for hangin out with "friends" and how you hang out with "friends". If you act around them in ways you wouldnt dare act if your SO was there, or if you dont even invite your SO out with you and our "friend" again hmmmmmm...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vesper Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 well - here is the official definition: link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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