Why do they break-up with you and still reach out?

[nicolediver]

Hi,

 

For those not familiar I have been going though rough times with my now ex-boyfriend which resulted in us breaking up last night for good.

 

 

 

Today, I received an e-mail from him and I must say it got me so angry. After talking and crying with him yesterday for hours and hours I thought everything was said and done.

 

Why do they do that? Why do they break-up with you and still contact you? Is it out of guilt, concern, selfishness?

 

It's not like he was asking for me back or anything like that. Basically, the e-mail said he stayed up and reflected on our relationship all night after I left and that it was nice to do that. And that he was sorry for hurting me and felt guilty that he could not deal with our issues due to his headspace right now despite the fact that he was still in love with me. He went onto say I was the most beautiful and caring girl he has ever known and he feels honored to have shared a life with me and wishes me all the best.

 

Even that pissed me off, "I sincerely wish you all the best." Last night, he was begging for my friendship and said that maybe down the road we could be together again since we are still in love. Yet, today he throws some classic, cheesy closure line at me?!?

 

I am mad about this. I dont know why it has affected me so much but it does. I have not written back and dont feel as if I should. He dumped me, he knows I still want to be with him. What am I suppose to write, "Thanks for saying all of those nice things..."

 

I just dont get his motivations at all.

[melrich]

Don't write back. I can't tell you why he wrote that to you except that it was probably for a combination of reasons...closure, guilt, sadness, introspection... It doesn't really matter. The important thing now is that you do what's best for you in this situation. Try not to over think things and hard as it is, make sure every day you move on a little bit more.

[Heretic]

Hey nicolediver,

 

It sounds to me like he doesn't understand his motivations either.

 

It sounds like he's trying to end things but doesn't know how or more likely how not to hurt you. Regardless he's leading you on, intentionally or not he is.

 

I understand that this won't change your wanting to be with him but you have to take a break from him right now. What he's doing could ruin your friendship and affect you very deeply. There's nothing worse then hearing "I love you, you're the best thing ever BUT..." and maybe he doesn't realize that. What you have to understand is if you never want to hear that line again you have to initiate NC.

 

Try to get him as out of your life as you can for a good month. Hopefully longer. Otherwise these next few weeks will be nothing more then a torment.

 

I hope this helps.

[nicolediver]

I am definitely not going to write back, I dont see the point. As well, the e-mail he wrote was close ended as far as I am concerned. He didnt ask me anything so I really feel like it was more for him. And I dont know if he was trying to solicit some response from me or not. I mean even when I write someone with the purest intentions, inside of me I hope for something back--even if it is just acknowledgement. Otherwise, I would leave them alone. Everyone's different though and maybe it was simply closure on his part. Regardless, though what's the point?

 

I just feel like we went through so much at his house the night before so why send me an e-mail the very next day? I have heard so much already. I dont need even more of a reminder of the fact that he doesnt want to be with me.

 

In a way the e-mail cheapened it for me. Being in person with him, I saw his face, his tears and his concerns. I heard the raw emotion, his confusion and his love. The e-mail was so formal and reserved that it cheapened it all for me. It makes me wonder who should I believe? The guy in the bedroom or the guy in the e-mail? I feel like when I left his home last night, he was able to sit down and withdraw again and justify and rationalize things to himself so he could feel alright with the decision he made. And what do I get as a result? I get this dandy e-mail!

 

At his house I got so much more, even the feeling that someday in the future we would be friends at the very least. We are still in love and do not hate each other and were friends to begin with so we definitely talked (on his prompting) about the idea of being friends in the future once it is no longer painful for us. He ven said that maybe it could work for us again given the right timing.

 

Now this e-mail makes me feel like we will never talk again and it just upsets me more. I already feel abandoned by him. If he loves me so much than why doesnt he stand up and fight for it? Yes, I understand it's hard but then please dont tell me those things and walk out on me. I'd rather hear that he hates me or the spark is gone or anything else really. Because in the end, he is leaving me. This break-up will facilitate the fading of whatever love he holds for me. This notion he has of getting back together will extinguish itself in time too. That's what break-ups do, right? What's the point of him telling me all of these things, when he's leaving? I just wish he didnt say so many loving things and cry and any of that. I just wish I could hate him.

 

I hate this.

[itsallgrand]

I'm sorry. Your pain is still so raw.

 

The others said a lot. I can only add: perhaps you may need some re-closure? Maybe, writing an email to him you won't necessarily send. Or perhaps having to face him.

 

I don't know what is right for you. I do know that sometimes people need to do these things. As wonderful as it would be, we don't always get clean breaks. And that's okay. Sometimes there is leftover business that needs attending.

 

You do need time apart no matter what, but you already know that.

 

Good luck and remember it's okay to feel whatever you need to feel right now. This is the rocky part, it does ease, I promise.

[SxcLady]

Maybe he just needs his space. From what your telling us, You need your space too. Ignore this email, it really does seem just for him to put it through to his brain that yes it is officially over and everything will not go back to normal! I agree with Heretic, right now you need to initiate NC for atleast a month. Once you are both emotionally over the brak up, and over the fact that you arent together MAYBE then can you be friends .... MAYBE! Its quite hard to be friends with an ex ... have you tried it before? If you havnt i dont suggest you do try it but if you want to be friends with him ... do so. But BC first!

GoodLuck!

Love SL.

[Heretic]

Yeah that's the real problem with electronics... they tend to rip the emotion out of everything.

 

Really don't read too much into the e-mail, more into the act. He sent you that because he felt it needed to be done. Why? Can't say for sure, but understanding his reasons you even trying to can cause you to want to see him again, sooner then you should.

 

I mean it is ultimately up to you, but I can't see any good coming from you knowing why he wrote this exactly.

[nicolediver]

I know that nothing good is going to come from me analyzing the reasons why he sent this or what it did or did not mean. I just didnt need this is all. Last night was hard enough. It took all of my strength just to leave his home. And he knows how bad I am hurting, he knows that I do not want this decision so why put it in my face again?

 

He left me, so he should leave me alone. Let me be, let me mourn and find a way to get over him. And yes I will adopt NC, I know that is the only way. I do want to be his friend, I love him and we shared a beautiful thing and it did end amicably but right now I need time. And I told him this.

 

I cant even begin to be his friend until I am over him for the most part. Otherwise, I will always be hoping. It's bad enough that he planted the seed of "maybe in the future..." in my head. Because if he really thinks that then why is he leaving? I understand why this is for the best in some respects but sometimes I think he copped out on me. And I know that when he says maybe there is a chance in the future he doesnt mean it the way I take it. He probably just means because we still love each other and things arent ending bitterly and its a matter of timing that if it were to happen again in the future for us he would not be opposed to it. I hear that and think this is a goal to work to, we should try and go on a date and keep that idea in the back of our heads. Of course, I am presuming and have no idea what he meant. But really it shouldnt matter because the bottom line is we are over. He left me and regardless of what he says, he does not want to be with me (he even denied this and got angry and said,

It's not that I dont want to be with you, it's that I can't anymore. I am so drained and cannot fight right now."). I'm sorry if you break up with a person it means you dont want to be with them.

 

I need to stop analyzing this. I need to stop caring what he meant or what he thinks because he is no longer there. And god, if we even had a chance again it needs to be when we have moved on and it is an unplanned surprise.

[SxcLady]

You already seem well on your way to moving on! Thats a really good way to think about it. Congratulations... Youve pretty much answered your own questions and stuff.

\\ GoodLuck with moving on.\\

Love SL.

[nicolediver]

Thank you for the encouragement but sometimes I think that I am just kidding myself. I know what needs to be done and I wont allow myself to grovel to him. He doesnt want me so at the very least I'll save myself more pain and I will not contact him.

 

Having said that though, I dont know if I am really moving on. In the back of my head I hold onto this idea that in the future we will have our chance. As long as that hope exists, I hardly am moving. I just wish he did not say those things. And even if he believed them to be true, you just dont say those things to someone you are leaving.

[SxcLady]

Its normal to have those ideas in the back of your head and over time, you pray they leave. And your right, No one should say those things even if they believe it to be true. But after a lot of break ups ... these things that shouldnt be said .... are said!

[Blehhh]

Nicolediver,

 

It sounds like we are struggling through some very similar things right now. Here's my thread:

 

 

 

I wish I knew what to say but I feel as upset as you do right now. The emotions are just unbearable. The problem with my guy is that he is trying so hard to handle it so well and care about my feelings. But really the only thing that I can see makign me feel better is him having those feelings again.

 

Blehhh

[kellbell]

Hi Nicole,

 

I am so sorry that things did not work out for you both. (((hugs)))

 

I totally know how you feel about that email. An ex of mine broke up with me and then had the nerve to keep in touch and ask me how I am doing and such. I was thinking..."ummm why in the heck do you care? If you cared, why did you break up with me?" It angered me to no end. So I completely understand your anger about your ex's email to you.

 

However, I just ended a 4 year relationship this past December. I will not go into detail about because this is your thread but just know, we were not happy. I did have these overwhelming urges to contact him because I felt so awlful about ending the relationship. I have never felt so terrible in my life. I wanted to make sure he was ok, that he did not hate me, and so forth. Incredible guilt. BUT, I did not contact him. I knew if I did, I would be incredibly selfish. He has every right to be angry with me. But for whatever reason, we squirm over how our ex's feel about us. He needed his time, to be angry, grieve, and sort out his emotions. He would be never able to do that if I contacted him. I feel your ex gave into to those guilt urges. Believe me, if your ex has a heart, he is torn up inside as well, but for different reasons. I am not asking you to feel sorry for him but just know, I think everyone has those incrediable urges to do "damage control" after he/she ended a relationship. The key is NOT to give into those urges.

 

I would not send an email to him. No answer should be his answer. Again, I am so sorry for what happened. I know you both tried.

 

(((hugs)))

[nicolediver]

Kellbell,

 

I think you are right about why my ex sent that e-mail. I dont think he realized it himself but it was more for him than it was for me. I think he is torn up and does feel guilty for hurting me (he even stated that in the e-mail!). And I think he believed at the time that the e-mail would do me good to hear those things, but really it was really a way to help alleviate some of his guilt. I think he thought if I knew what he felt towards me, etc it would somehow make it easier for me.

 

I mean he obviously was thinking about me to send it, no doubt. I just think given the situation and the fact that we just broke up he could have left it be. I am glad you were able to see that and gave your ex the space he deserves.

 

I feel like I have enough confusion from him, what with all of the "hopeful" things he said during our break-up and all. And yes, like I have said before he may have really meant those things. But tomorrow and next week and the week after that his feelings will most likely change and fade. If he wanted to hold onto some sort of hope or love for us I feel like he wouldnt have broken up inthe first place. (I think at the very least he will leave himself open to a certain degree. What I mean is that I know when some people break-up that's it, end of story. For him I do believe if the timing was right and there was a feeling there again he would definitely explore it. I dont think he's counting on it but he would not dismiss it either. He has in fact gotten back together with an ex one before. The only other ex besides me that he ended on good terms with and wanted to remain friends with. It seems to be this combination allows for at least a small chance of reconciliation)

 

And maybe I am being to simplisitic, maybe love cant always be enough. And maybe our problems did get the past of us and he felt he had no other choice but to move on. I am just different, I fight for the one I love.

 

As far as continuing a friendship which he has stated again and again he very much wants, I am not ready. I think I should see how I feel in a month. But I wonder if I should reach out to him when that time is right or leave it up to him since he was the one pushing for it. I mean I dont know, he might leave me be because he thinks thats what I need/want.

[crvers]

If your not ready to be a friend, then don't. It would be unfair to you if you stood by and watched him move on. I know this because right now I am doing the same thing. No matter what, if the relationship had true value to both parties, friendship will come hard so quickly after. Again I know this because i can barely keep it together after I run into my ex.

 

I probably wouldn't read too much into the email. The unfortunate side of writing somthing thats meant ot be heartfelt, can come accross as flat and heartless. (Depending on the writer of course) I agree with the not sending a response, if you are considering a possible reconciliation with the guy then not sending anything at all will show u stronger than he expects. I know when my ex never sent me something back it crushed me because I thought she would. Sometimes doing the complete opposite of what he expects can make his mind wonder. The finality part is just garbage, as much as anyone wants to be the one to "end" the situation it always comes back. My ex and I said lines like that for 2 weeks and yet we still talked (which was stupid on my part).

 

Sometimes even if u feel sure about a situation and a decision made, tomorrow you may not feel so determined. He may be trying to keep the door slightly open while he figured his stuff out. I am not talking on his behalf, but i do know some things about not slamming a door. Slamming a door can cause emotions to flicker uncontrollably. Plus, if he's talking about the future as a possibility he most likely isn't completely sure about his decision. I know this because when I broke it off and let my ex go, I tried to be her friend (since she was my best friend before and I still at the time considered her the same after) because I was unsure about everything. Of course it all backfired lol...but we're not talking about me. Friendship I am finding can't work until both parties are completely done with the relationship for now. Otherwise the dumped (or in my case) the dumpee holds onto hope.

[nicolediver]

Crvers,

 

Thanks for your insight, it helps to hear viewpoints from those who did the dumping. I agree with you and I am not going to write back. As far as your take that my non-response will crush him, I am not so sure. As I said before, his e-mail was close-ended (but then again, are they ever really close-ended? I hold onto the belief that you would not send something without the hopes of some sort of acknowledgement in return). I do however think my non-response will surprise him a bit. I have never been one to turn my back or not immediateky respond to any sort of inquiry from him. At the very least, I am sending the message that I need to be left alone right now. I do of course fear that by not responding it sends the message that I dont care but at this point, he dumped me and I need to look out for myself.

 

You make a valid point in saying that his desire to hold onto a friendship with me may indicate he is not 100% sure with his decision. I agree that if someone is dumping you and no longer in love or attached they would not strongly push for a friendship. On the other hand, he may be taking the high road and recognizes the importance I have played in his life and because of that wants to at least salvage a friendship. I do often think about the things he said in realtion to, "maybe one day in the future..." and although that provides some hope it is false really. Because there is no way he or I can know what we will feel in the future. He says that NOW because he still loves me and the feeling is raw. But he is making the choice to move-on and get over me. It's not as if he is holding onto that hope. Maybe he just recognizes the timing was off and realizes anything can happen. I think its more of an abstract hope/feeling than a concrete goal or desire. Bottom line is though, he is not slamming and locking the door.

 

We did agree though that a friendship right now would be too painful. And that in order for us to begin talking we need to have taken some crucial steps in getting past our feelings for one another. So as it stands, there was no timeline set. We both felt it could be a matter of weeks or a year. There really is no way to gauge something like that. I just wonder though, who should reach out first? And what if I do reach out when I feel I am ready only to find that everythin ghe said was a lie and he had no intention of being my friend? (This I highly doubt but I do know that the intensity of what he feels will fade and it's hard to say how he will view me in the future)

 

I do know though that the fact that we ended amicably leaves a door open. I am sure we will be receptive and curious to one another in the future. And this creates the possibilty of so many things: a casual aquaintanceship, a great friendship or a reconciliation. Who knows?

 

But right now I do feel abandoned. I fell like he gave up on us despite what he felt in his heart. I nkow he was afraid but I dont think he had to run. I dont know though, in his mind I believe he felt he was making the best decision for the longrun and I have to accept that. It just hurts so much.