Framework For A Successful Reconcilation And Future

[BONO]

I am meeting up with my ex with a view to getting back next week. She dumped me six months ago after a two year relationship. She is best mates with my bro who I live with and share the same friends.

 

 

*Actions* always speak *louder* than words and she has shown that she wants to get back. Through NC and saying No to friends and dating other people she has come back, and to a large extent I have moved on. However she has turned my head big time.

 

 

Going back could put me at risk - but sometimes I guess a calculated risk, a thought through risk, could work if we were to communicate better.

 

 

DN was right to state that I need to know that the reasons for the split no longer apply. But I am still nervous that in the future *other* reasons might surface and act as a pretext to a split.

 

 

However, I need to put some sort of Framework For Success together to make sure *she* does not do this again and I be satisfied that we did our best if all was to go wrong.

 

 

Again, this framework could be great for both of us to work from and grow from and help many on this site as well.

 

 

I cant have her asking me back and then not being fully committed 3/4 months down the line with the same problems through lack of communiaction surfacing. We both need to be fully into this and I have to make it clear perhaps without any direct threats that any *wobble* in the future will result in me saying goodbye for good.

 

 

I love her and perhaps see her as a long term partner if we get this right.

 

Any starting point advice would be great.

 

Cheers

 

BONO

__________________

"What do you get when you fall in love ? "

 

Grief !!

[DN]

Bear in mind that you can never remove all risk from a relationship. She may leave for entirely different reasons - or you may leave because your feelings are not the same. But that could happen even if you were to start a relationship with someone else.

 

A basic framework is: be honest and open about problems, deal with them as they arise, don't let them fester and solve them by negotiation and compromise.

[PocoDiablo]

I'd tell her if she wanted to get back with me, she'd have to do a lot more than just ask. She'd have to prove she wanted to be with me after what she did. Why should you take her back, just so she can change her mind and dump you again?

[renaissancewoman101]

Poco, why are you so pessimistic? The girl is asking to get back together with the guy and you are looking at it from the point that she may dump him again. If she didnt want him back, she wouldnt ask for a reconciliation.

[annie24]

Bear in mind that you can never remove all risk from a relationship. She may leave for entirely different reasons - or you may leave because your feelings are not the same. But that could happen even if you were to start a relationship with someone else.

 

A basic framework is: be honest and open about problems, deal with them as they arise, don't let them fester and solve them by negotiation and compromise.

 

yes, that was my first thought also. there is no gaurantee, not even with a brand new fresh relationship.

 

have you two discussed the issues that broke you up before? how have things changed since then?

[tylercdurden2004]

Has she sorted out her "issues" have you sorted out "yours"? Has it been long enough to get through whatever it is you guys needed to get through? It doesnt sound like to me that your ready and you seem to be trying to force it a little bit because she has come back into your life.

[BONO]

Guys thank you so far, and please dont stop.

 

The reason I say this is that although this forum is about "getting back together" (either with yourself or your ex) there is very little insights into what happens when the ex comes back and says "I miss you, I love you, I want you back"

 

Sure, each situation is fundamentally different to why we have been dumped. As such, this is why this forum is so successful and to a large extent addictive. We search and search post after post looking for the bispoke answer to our unique situation and circumstance.

 

One of the reasons we do this is because our friends and loved ones cannot give us any more angles or advice to satisfy our daily craving for the PERFECT ANSWER. In fact they are bored of us going on about it. But, we are not. There in lies a problem which requires a release.

 

Enotalone becomes an extention of our soul ,rich and colourful with different stories from all over the world with broken hearted lost souls ( at this point in time) trying to make sense of their unique perceived situation, which upon fundamental scrutiny comes back time and time again to two words

 

"YOU'RE DUMPED"

 

Or even worse three words

 

"LETS BE FRIENDS"

 

and four words originating from Neil Armstrong & NASA

 

"I NEED SOME SPACE"

 

 

Jnr members, members, snr members and if I may the dizzy heights of DN !!! We will all find a common thread and school of thought -that works - trotted out time and time again like a broken love record by the likes of Majord23, DN, Superdave71, Poco Diablo, Annie24 to name just a few. Although trotted out, it is done for a reason.

 

This is the sound principals of NC,NC,NC , saying NO to friends and moving on. This works. The quicker we get ourselves back, the better position we are in to make *choice* to either take the ex back, or not.

 

As such i agree with the statement by Poco Diablo

 

" Advice is only as good as the details you give, and even then its just an opinion. No one knows the situation as well as you, so trust your gut "

 

 

In short, I am going with my gut as my head has been turned enough to meet and have a discussion. I am not saying that I am def getting back with her at all. As such, I need sound advice on the next step from around the world on a framework to successful reconcilation.

 

 

Keep your thoughts coming, because you never know when your ex *might*, out of the blue, want you back. Then, it gets difficult if you want them back BUT do not want to go through breakheart hotel down the line.

 

 

 

BONO

[kadvati79]

My advice re: all relationship starts (and a reconcilliation is a start), is "when its on, its on".

 

If its on, go for it! Love like you've never been hurt. Don't hold on to too many expectations and let love do its work. I wouldn't get to worked up in a framework and action plan because when love comes along it just all happens and feels right. And if it doesn't - someone is holding back and something is wrong.

 

I would just take it easy, small fun steps. Go to movies, go to dinner. Keep the mistique about yourself for a while. Above all else it should be FUN , not endless discussion about the past relationship, what issues you ave been working on, etc... etc...

 

Its love - not a brainstorming or strategy session at work

 

In your posts scruff u sound pretty switched on, I think theres a good possibility that if you are just yourself you are gonna sweep this gal off her feet all over again. Remember... if its on - its ON.

[NubianLove]

I think the most important thing is to remember not to lose urself, remember the person u were during the break up. Dont spend time dwelling on the past, enjoy the present.

[Frangipani]

Yep. People who take risks generally have more fulfilling lives. Go for it I say. BUT...I believe you need to be in the same place to persue this realtionship properly. LDR's are not like a normal relationship. In a normal relationship your priority is to love and care for one another, in a LDR your priority is to SEE one another again.

 

I think someone is going to have to bite the bullet here and move. How can you work on something when you rarely see one another?

 

Just my thoughts.

[majord23]

Hey scruff,

I think that a discussion is needed to clarify what you both expect - both in terms of the relationship, and from each other. If there are any differences then they must be addressed then and there.

 

Your ex can't re-enter the relationship feeling as though she is 'doing you a favour' by reconciling, as this takes any responsibility away from her and allows her the 'luxury' of walking away without having to make much of an effort.

Likewise however, she should not feel as though she has to over-compensate for what she has done in the past, as this will ultimately lead to feelings of resentment towards you.

 

I think that if each of you has similar expectations, and are satisfied that you both are willing to make it work, then that should be the end of the history between you.

 

You should draw a line under your previous relationship and start the 'second chance' as a completely new one.

Worrying about what happened in the past and allowing fear to prevent you from relaxing in the new relationship wouldn't bode well for its success.

Be aware of the mistakes of the past, and use them as a reminder of what 'not to do'...but don't let them haunt the second chance to the point where it fails.

[PocoDiablo]

Poco, why are you so pessimistic? The girl is asking to get back together with the guy and you are looking at it from the point that she may dump him again. If she didnt want him back, she wouldnt ask for a reconciliation.

Simple.

 

Let's look at this closely. They were together for two years, right? Okay, so over the course of two years I think it would be safe to assume they go to know each other relatively well. Now, in the course of those two years, there is a good chance she wanted a commitment from him. However, he did not commit. Alternately, he failed to display one of the three traits I consider a requirement to be successful with women: Self-Confidence, Self-Control, and Challenge. So he appeared to be a man of low status, and in a word was a "child." This is a killer of most relationships. What was it exactly? I don't know, but common issues are being boring, being angry, being distant, being passive aggressive, being a kiss-up, being jealous, being undisciplined, etc.

 

Now, in two years she KNOWS him. And for whatever reason it was they broke up. Chances are the "spoken" reason why they broke up was not the real reason, the root of the problem.

 

thereforeeee she felt that the relationship was beyond being salvaged. In addition, she went on to date other people. So chances are she had "checked out" of the relationship weeks if not MONTHS prior to the breakup. Was she overly upset during the breakup? Only the OP can answer that. However, if not, then she knew this was coming and had already dealt with it. thereforeeee the resounding issue here is that she chose NOT to deal with the relationship any more. It was dead. She had too low of an interest level in HIM to work on it. Reconciliation was NOT an option. Dumping him was the only option.

 

If he was such a great guy, she would have worked with him to stay together. She would have avoided the break up at all costs. She would have done anything to make things work.

 

But she didn't. She moved on. She used the break-up as a tool to negotioate her happiness in life.

 

So what has changed over the past 6 months? Nothing. She has slept around with a few other men, and our OP has (apprently) not. thereforeeee she has gone out and had her fun, and now that she is "used" she wants to come back and be accepted into her old warm "comfort zone" again. Our OP will most likely bend over backwards to accept her in, and supplicate himself a great deal to her. In essense, he will be the child welcoming back the absentee mother. Whatever immature behaviors he had from the past are likely to be repeated in the future, and will likely also cause her to leave again.

 

The problem is that she does not respect him. If she respected him she would NEVER have considered dating other men. If anything, she would have stayed single. If she respected him and thought him to be of high worth, she never would have left him in the first place. She never would have risked the chance to lose him. Never.

 

So how does he earn respect? First, by NOT allowing her to have a second chance after she so non-chalantly dumped him, fooled around, and is now coming back. He has to let her know that she has to work for his respect, and that she has to respect the fact that he is not a pushover. This is a test and there are two outcomes, in my opinion:

 

1. He takes her back. This is failing the test because it proves to her that he has no self-respect, no self-worth, and is rewarding her for dumping him instead of working things out. She now knows that she can dump him again and fool around, only to come back later IF she wants. She can use him to support her emotionally and maybe financially, while she can go out and have a sexual time elsewhere. He is the backup plan.

 

2. He does not take her back. She realizes he IS a man worthy of her respect and admiration, but now she can't have him. As he has stood up for himself, he has essentially said "You can't treat me like that as I won't tolerate it." That is a VERY powerful message, and a very powerful position to be in for him. Even if he does not feel it, the action of rejecting her puts him in a position of equality within the relationship and lets her know he will not let someone mistreat him. So he passes the test but fails to get her back.

 

In reality, if he passes the test he should not want her back because he will realize he needs to work on having a backbone and standing up to people who treat him as if he is to be thrown away. Alternately, if he fails the test, in some short time she will cheat on him or dump him again, he will beg and otherwise supplicate himself to her, and will never mature enough to have a mature relationship.

 

Only if he faces the unknown of the future and choose to learn from his mistakes and move on will he be worthy of a mature relationship where the woman respects and cares for him as an equal.

 

Pessimistic? Actually the EXACT opposite. Be happy to learn from your mistakes. Be thrilled to unwind the mystery of the future. Be astounded when you meet a woman who treats you with respect because you have learned how to respect yourself.

 

But to go back and risk being dragged through the mud - the SAME lesson - a second time ... that's pessimistic. In my opinion.

 

To look to the past is to ignore the now and the future. Open your eyes, see what could be, not what has been.

[BONO]

Deep, intelligent and very focused.

 

Your not sitting on the fence with that one are you PB pal ! Jesus Wept ! I think I Have just found a man who would back you up. Are you related ? !!

 

 

link removed

 

 

Thank you though.

 

Couple of things. I have slept with woman since I have been single. Thats what single people do. And i moved on and in fact saw a girl that did not work out. ( No she did not dump me)

 

I think to put a 2 year time limit on putting a ring on your GF finger works for a lot of people, but I have never been that black and white. In fact my parents friends have been together for 18 years and are still not married. Yet they are committed.

 

You are right on a few things. Yes i was not strong enough in the relationship and perhaps did not take the lead as much as I should have done. Saying that I was not limp wristed either. Did I give her love and attention? Yes. Did I give her too much ? On hindsight yes. Did I smother her no. She left me for a combination of reasons.

 

1) She moved 500km away to focus on her career.

 

 

2) She was very stressed with work at the time and *felt* she could not compete with me. I am successful at what I do and earn a tonne. Im not being arrogant its a fact.

 

 

3) To an extent she had a mini breakdown pushed me away then rebounded.

Yes she has issues that she has addresed. But who doesn't huh ?

 

 

But I have learnt from this.

 

 

 

 

 

So here is my question

 

 

 

1)Do people need to grow and realise what they had when it has truly gone?

 

2) As such, are you saying people who have f'ed more than once up should never get a proper *do or die* second chance?

 

3) Is the world that black and white or are they shades of grey - if they come back and show they mean it over time?

 

4) Is there no one who f'ed up a few times on either side who did not learn, reconclie and have a happy life together ?

 

 

 

She knows this time is do or die she will lose alot of friends and moreover ME for good if if she fvcks up again. As a result of meeting her I am closer to her friends than she is. She has more to lose out of this than me.

 

 

 

Pocco, this one of the most convincing arguments I have ever read not to get back with your ex once you have been dumped and they now want you back. For this, I thank you

 

 

I have never read such a convincing post, and trust me I have read alot.

 

 

BONO

[BONO]

Guys,

 

Does anyone have a different view to Pocco D that is convincing . Because as it stands Im with him. If you do step up to the bar. Lets use our minds, come on !!!

 

BONO

[coldheart]

Scruff, as with you, my ex checked out of our 22-month relationship about 2 months prior to the breakup as well... I was able to just feel it. She took the golden ticket when I initiated the breakup back in early March, as an easy-out opportunity without having to do the dumping. It was no surprise when I heard that she had already been dating 7 days after the breakup, as she probably knew a few men prior to it (She never had any guy friends while with me).

 

So yeah, I really do not want to see myself in the predicament of having to refuse or take back an ex that is repented and regretting her decisive actions from post-breakup. I am a person of high dignity and I don't think I would budge for the latter. True, I had many factors about myself such as your own that led to the breakup, but as PD mentioned, my ex should of had more efforts to "work" with me in order to achieve something greater out of the relationship.

 

True, I love and care for her, but I didn't send her to go f**k a few strangers while her heart was still screaming my name. It was her responsability to do that instead of taking the time to focus on herself, and spending some time alone to validate her decisions. It takes two to break up, not one. We cannot allow self blame or recognition of self flaws justify the repossesion of someone that once rejected us. This energy should instead be used to better ourselves for the next deserving person. This idea further supports PocoDiablo's well concreted argument of "standing your ground".

 

Your time came after 6 months... mine may come later or never come at all, but for now I am doing my NC for self-gratification and healing anyway.

 

Good luck with your decision matey!

 

-CH

[enolaton]

Simple (forgive me, for this will be nowhere near as elaborate as Poco's explanation)... look at it from Scruff's ex side. According to Poco, she left b/c Scruff lacked one of the three traits required to be successful with women. She is NOW taking a chance on Scruff as well by attempting to reconcile.

 

What was she supposed to do? Stick around as the relationship continued to go downhill (yes, it does take two to tango, and I'm not suggesting this is all Scruff's fault)? Granted, she may have checked out of the relationship way before she actually ended it. However, just becuase she left him doesn't mean he isn't a great guy or has little respect for him.

 

What has changed in 6 months? Yes, she may have been with other guys, but wouldn't you think that in their time apart, they learned from their mistakes? They may very well be destined for failure, but, now that they have the hindsight to see where their relationship went wrong, if they truly mean something to each other, prove it (just becuase it didn't work the first time). She is going back to him, not necessarily becuase he is her "comfort zone", but becuase she knows in her heart that he is a great guy, and after spending time apart, she knows what she wants out of a man. I highly doubt Scruff is just gonna let her walk all over him. In fact, I'd bet money the second she thinks she can, Scruff will re-evaluate their reconciliation. That trust and respect for one another DOES have to be built up again, but this can essentially be considered a whole new relationship.

 

How does he earn respect? By not allowing her to walk all over him in their new relationship. If the same problems arise, recognize them, and either realize that they can get past it this time around (becuase they're more experienced and knowledgable), or have the strength and self-respect to realize things just won't work out.

 

Why let pride get in the way? If you want to give it another go... You risk getting hurt no matter who you're with. In my opinion, pessimistic would be to think that a reconciliation is not possible, and that people don't change and learn from their mistakes (I'm not attacking you Poco, just offering the other side of the coin).

 

"See what could be"... things don't have to be complicated, either you give ir another go, or you don't... hold grudges, or get on with life... perhaps a successful chance with the ex...

[Orlander]

I have a question for Poco...

"Self-Confidence, Self-Control, and Challenge" I get self confidence and self control, but challenge? I'm a bit confused. Do you mean that the man needs to be a challenge for the woman or that the woman needs to be the challenge for the man?

 

I hear some people say that they want someone who will challenge them or that the relationship didn't work out because there was no challenge. I think that falling in love or establishing a truly caring, intimate and loving relationship should not be challenges.

 

I can see not taking the relationship/person for granted should be something you continuously work towards. Also, I can see keeping the sexual chemistry going can be challenging, but not the person or relationship itself.

 

I see it the same way that I view being outside in the sun. I don't find the sun challenging, but I do see what impact it has on my life. I constantly see beautiful sunsets and feel grateful for them. I know that I can live without the sun, as some people do in the extreme northern parts of the world, but I know that I am far happier with it in my life. Thats the way I see love and relationships. I'm thankful for them and I am grateful for them and I dont take them for granted.

 

I'd just like to have someone in my life whom is good, caring, honest, loving, kind and grateful for life and having me in it. I don't necessarily want or care to have someone who thinks of me as or wants me to be a challenge.

 

Can you shed some light on what you mean?

 

 

Orlander

[majord23]

I can see both sides of the equation.

 

Poco's post was excellent and I, for one, know that if I were being completely objective about my situation I should in no way ever entertain the thought of getting back with my ex. That objectivity (hopefully) will come naturally with time...to the point where I wouldn't consider being with my ex *regardless* of my feelings for her.

Just because she completely disrespected me and I (I feel) would be compromising my own self-worth to accept someone back into my life who had done to me what she has done.

 

Effectively, my ex is on borrowed time - if she comes back before I get that objectivity, I will probably take her back. If she comes back afterwards...then I tell her to take a hike, knowing that I am doing the right thing.

 

Having said that, there are no doubt second chances that *do* work out, so if everyone was to be 'black and white' about the issue then potentially some great relationships are being discarded before they are (re)started.

 

The key, in my eyes, is being able to view your situation objectively (if possible). You have to be able to spot whethere your relationship is one that has a good chance of working out the second time around, or one that is destined to go down the same path.

 

You also have to way up the effort involved.

Are you willing, or indeed able, to put the effort in to make it work?

 

By 'putting the effort in', are you compromising who you are...thus merely disguising the problems in the relationship rather than actually *dealing* with them?

 

Will the problems come back if you are to become *yourself* once again?

 

These questions have to be dealt with from both sides. It has to be all-in or none-in.

 

Should an ex be given a second chance? I think that deep down we all have some idea as to how things are going to play out. If it is *all* dependent on the ex's behaviour and willingness to 'put in'...then perhaps the odds aren't so great.

[tylercdurden2004]

Well lets be real here. IS 6 months long enough in your mind for someone to change what probably took years to learn? Barring a major epiphany, has she really taken the time alone to llok at what she needs to change.

 

I really dont think so for 2 reasons:

 

1) After a break upit would take her at least lets say 2 months (random number)to get to the point of thinking about herself and not the relationship, so now you are down to 4 months.

 

2) In that time if she was dating other guys did she really have time to think about herself? If so she must be one h**l of a multi-tasker.

 

I fell into this trap, I thought 4 months apart, shes dated, slept with a few other guys. She must be sorted. All I really wanted was for her to be sorted and I made my decisions based on that, not what I actually saw in her. In the end 2 years later, no changes, she didnt have enough time and i didnt give it too her.

[Midgi]

I have some experience with starting over the second time. And the only advise I can give you is that you should talk about "everything" which needs to be different this time. But this means "everything"!

 

Once you are in a relationship honesty may be a little bit more complicated. Once you have established what went wrong, you have another chance.

 

Don't just rely on what YOU think went wrong.

[DN]

I can speak from my own experience to give another point of view about taking her back.

 

My then girlfriend broke-up with me to return to her own country. Later she decided she would rather come back and be with me after all. So we got back together. A few months later I proposed and we have now been married for over 31 years.

[annie24]

so, during those months that you were apart, did you do NC, LC? what was going on then?

[DN]

Well, bear in mind this was in the dark ages when people still communicated using pen and paper. We wrote back and forth and then one day I put 'kind regards' instead of 'love' at the end of a letter. I didn't get a reply to that one but instead I got a phone call ten days later saying she was back in my country and did I want to go out for dinner.

[annie24]

so you two wrote a few cordial letters back and forth during that time?

 

I understand - if you broke up primarily due to distance, then staying in mild contact sounds good. (I was in that position once and it didn't work out for me *sigh*)

 

Well, I am glad she came back to you!

[DN]

I wrote a couple of 'love letters' - not begging or pleading. But it would have been dishonest not to say that I still loved her but it was not my style anyway to be gushy or over-sentimental. But I think when she realised I was moving on in some way she gave serious thought to what she wanted and made her decision.