why is dating so freakin hard?!

[taylorb]

So to try and make a long story short...I met this guy over a month ago through mutual friends, from there we started dating. He had told me the night we met before our first kiss that he had been dating a woman for about 8 months long-distance. And...he also told me that he was perhaps moving upstate for a new job. She does not live upstate but in another state. I had no qualms about this at first because I was not attached. During our "courtship" so to speak we never talked about the other woman. i never asked questions and he never brought her up. I guess I thought, if we don't talk about it, then she'll go away.

 

About a week and a half ago he went on a trip to Arizona to visit some friends, which was fine. He came back into town and told me he wanted to see me because he was going to make a few trips soon and wanted to get to spend time with me beforehand. We meet for lunch. I ask him where he is leaving to and he tells me he is leaving to visit the other woman the next day. He tells me that she has been nagging him to come out and see her. He also tells me that he isn't really excited to see her, but he looks at me and says "I should be more excited, don't you think." I reply and tell him that I don't want to talk about it and that he is providing me with too much information. I then become distant and a little angry. I tell him that "it just bothers me because he is having his cake and eating it too." He tells me that he didn't mean to offend me and that he and this woman have this type of open relationship. He proceeds to tell me that he really likes me and that if our relationship progresses, great, or even if we become just friends that's okay too. But, he doesn't want ot lose me as a friend. I decide in that moment to put on a sort of happy face because I don't want to ruin the lunch. I can tell he wants to reach out to me and touch me, but it is hard for me. At the end we say good-bye and I wish him a safe trip. a day later (while he is staying with the other woman), he sends me an email sayin "hello and that it was good to see me the other day, and that he is sorry he has been traveling so much and he wishes me the best and a big hug."

 

I don't write back until 4 days later telling him "thanks for the email. Call me when you get back in town so we can chat. Have fun."

 

I just can't do this. He has been up front with me and I appreciate that. But I can't lie to myself. This type of relationship just makes me feel bad. To top it off I feel like he is still not back from his trip, and it just makes me sad that he is obviously having a good time with her.

 

What do you guys think? Do you think it was tacky of him to send me that email? Do you think I am making the right decision for myself? How do I tell him?

[annie24]

I think you should just call him up and tell him what you told us. That this type of relationship just doesn't make you feel good, and that you need something exclusive. Or tell him in person. In any case, I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes. I don't want to be girlfriend #1 or #2. If he's not that excited about seeing her, he shouldn't have bought the plane tickets. He should have broken up with her, not talk to you about it!

 

good luck with whatever decision you make.

[taylorb]

annie,

 

thank you so much for your reply. I guess if he emails or calls, I will tell him what I think. I hope I articulate it well. I just don't want to come off angry, or sad,basically emotional. Isn't it so hard? I hate the dating game.

[annie24]

well, you don't have to be angry about it - just say something like, "I think it's fine if you want an open relationship, but that just doesn't work for me. I would like a serious, exclusive relationship."

 

I don't know - you'll have to work on the phrasing, but you get my drift...

[dontknowwhattodo]

I think you handled the situation well and like annie said you should tell him openly about what you have in mind. My ex bf is now trying to have an open relationship with me, meaning that he wants intimacy and wants me to be his security blanket while he keeps his eyes wide open for ms. right and he thinks I am ms. good-for-now. I can tell you it sucks. Stay away from this kind of relationship as far as you can.

[taylorb]

ugh...the anticipation! I guess he is still not back from his trip. I still have not received a call or an email. Now I actually feel sad. Maybe he is going to come back and tell me that she and he are exclusive now. Sorry to pity myself, but I feel like I always get the short end of the stick.

[annie24]

you won't once you cut him out of your life.

[taylorb]

I still have not heard from him. I hate this. I know that I am breaking it off with him, but basically I guess he's breaking it off with me by not calling. I am so tired of this crap. I am so tired of letting myself open up and feel comfortable with someone, only to get shut down. I am so tired of feeling lonely. And I am so tired of never meeting the right one.

[monsieur]

I feel for you. Sometimes I wish that I could be the one that has all the options and has more than enough on the go that it doesn't even phase them to dump someone or not even contact them or care about it. I hate being the needy one all the time.

[taylorb]

I guess "when one bus leaves...another comes along." I gotta just keep plugging through. And hopefully...one day...when I least expect it...he'll be there...the one I've wanted all along

[annie24]

LOL - I'm waiting for my bus too

[taylorb]

I guess he wrote this to me last night. I almost want to tell him how I feelover email, but I don't want it to come out the wrong way. Please read and give me some advice.

 

Hey,

How are you doing? Well I hope. I just got back last night after a killer

drive back from Vegas (stopped on way back) - the 15 was about shut down for

2.5 hrs so it made it a hard drive. I have to leave tomorrow as my future

boss called in a favor and wants me to help with some recruiting in

Minneapolis over the Friday-Sun time period. Not 2 thrilled to be heading

to the midwest but that was the trade for the later start date I guess.

 

Hopefully if you still want, we can together for dinner or whatever next

week. I don't get back from MN until Sunday night. I feel like I live out

of suitcase this last 3 weeks.

 

Best,

xxx

[annie24]

Well, I don't know - what feels right? Do you want to tell him over e-mail, phone call, or dinner? If you want to tell him over dinner, just be brief like, "sure, dinner sounds good. see you then."

[taylorb]

So I wrote him an email. He's reply is below mine. I guess I'm a little sad because of course I wanted him to turn around and say, "but I just want to be with you, Taylorb." But alas, a huge weight has lifted off me.

 

(my email)

Glad you had a nice time.

 

I am so annoyed at myself for writing this to you over email, but here it

goes. I like you and I realize that I can't just casually see someone while

they are seeing someone else. I totally understand that you had other

things going on before you met me. But after being intimate with you, and

how nonchalant you were about the whole thing (meaning your friend in

Jackson), I realized that I just need something more stable. What I thought

I could handle in the beginning, is not after all what I really can handle

now. I really hope this comes off the right way, and if it doesn't please

call me to clarify things.

 

If you want to be friends, that's totally fine. We can still meet, eat

(because you know I like to do that), and have fun.

 

Have a safe trip,

me

 

 

 

(his reply)

taylorb,

I am about to leave for the airport so I can't write much. I understand

where you are coming from. I am sorry if I have made you feel unhappy or

hurt your feelings. I guess these things are difficult to do and feelings

get complicated. I am sorry I am not as 'free' as I could have been.

 

I would like to stay friend Jo, I genuinely like you and think you are

wonderful. I understand that more than that could lead to hurt feelings for

either of us. So lets eat. I will call you soon.

 

Thanks for being honest

him

[annie24]

*SIGH* arg. I know, it sucks. But, ultimately, it's for the best. I wouldn't want to share a guy like that either. It's good that you realized this now sooner rather than later.

 

You'll find someone who won't let you get away. I hope I do too!