biggest idiot in the world

[idiot]

I'm not sure where this should be posted, but I'm posting in the "Healing After Break Up or Divorce" simply because I want to heal....

 

I want to stop being the world's biggest idiot. I know what I've done in the past is wrong, so I don't need a whole lot of flaming (I've done enough to myself) -- I'd just like to get over and past this drama. Almost two years ago, I had a short-term affair with an ex-co-worker, in which he was only in it for the challenge, and I (unfortunately) ended up falling completely for the man. My husband and I had issues at the time, and in hind-sight, it's easy to see what the issues were and how the whole affair happened. Of course, things didn't end there -- a year ago, a repeat occurrence happened with the same man, because I was still totally infatuated/in-love with him and things were still rough with my husband. The second encounter ended with an unplanned pregnancy in which I ended up miscarrying. That was nine months ago. I've since discovered that my "lover" never really had any feelings for me, it was only a diversion for him because he didn't want to deal with issues with his live-in girlfriend. Meanwhile, I've been trying to wipe him out of mind and proceed with fixing my marriage (counseling, etc..) I'm not totally sure (yet) that I want to be married to my husband, and I KNOW I'm still not over my ex-co-worker.

 

How do I get over and past this? I've tried NC, but I still harbor feelings of hate (towards my ex-co-worker), regret, and sorrow over what happened -- he totally used me. I'll never be able to go back to being friends with him like we once were, but yet I can't seem to cut the cord and sever all ties either -- he's too much a part of my history and too deeply entrenched in my heart. (I should add that we worked together for almost 6 years and had been friends for over a decade before anything happened). I could go in to much more detail about his and my relationship, but it would probably be boring. The main point -- he's told me that everything that happened only happened because he was in a "selfish mode". Knowing that, how do I force myself to accept the fact that any relationship I ever had with him is (or should be) totally over, and bury the part of me that's still attached to him? I wish I'd never met the man, and yet I can't imagine what life will be like without him in it entirely.

 

If anyone has any thoughts other than just "NC" (which I've already tried and continue to implement to no avail) for healing a broken heart and soul, please advise. Many thanks.

[Diggitydave]

Whats up with the hubby in all of this?

[annie24]

Hi and welcome to eNotalone. You are not an idiot. you just made some mistakes, we all do, we are human.

 

Maybe you can pour your energy into trying to fix your relationship with your husband. Learn to cook his favorite meals, take a massage class so you can give him good backrubs, maybe redecorate parts of the house to make it more comfortable. Just focus on being a good partner from now on...

 

Maybe do some volunteer work to help clear your conscience. Work at an animal shelter or soup kitchen.

 

good luck!

[idiot]

Hi DiggityDave and Annie24,

 

Thanks for your replies.

 

DiggityDave -- my husband is aware of the fact that something happened with the ex-coworker 2 years ago, but he's not aware of how far it went or of what happened the next year (we had separated in that time frame and have since reconciled and are working on trying to improve our marriage). I'll admit that I didn't give him the complete story 2 years ago, because I cared about my ex-co-worker and was concerned about what my husband would do if he knew the full extent of what had happened (at the time). I still don't want to give him all the gory details, because I think it would hurt him unnecessarily (and maybe I'm party afraid he'd show me the door when I'm not sure that's what I want?). What's the point now anyways? I just want to get over this and I wish I'd never met the ex-co-worker -- never having him in my life would be preferable to the pain.

 

Annie24 -- thanks for your thoughts -- I will try to once again re-direct my focus to my husband. I just wish I didn't feel like a part of me was dying every day. Seriously, if I could cut off my arm to eliminate the mental/emotional anguish, I would do it without a moment's hestitation. I guess life goes on whether you want it to or not, right?

 

Thank you both for your thoughts.

[annie24]

well, detach yourself from the co-worker as much as possible. Try to look at him like a co-worker and not an ex flame (I know, that is hard).

 

Don't beat yourself up too much. The past is over but the future is still ahead of you.

[DN]

I think you should also stop putting so much of the blame on him and accept your own part in this. The fact is that you were using him too in that you were having an affair with him while still staying in a marriage with your husband. You may have been more emotionally attached than he was but it was still not a good situation to allow to happen.

 

You can't deal with this sort of situation unless you look at all of it - your part as well. You can't control his conscience or actions but you can control yours.

 

Perhaps if you were to concentrate your energies on making your marriage work so that both you and your husband were happy with each other the memories of the former lover would be put into perspective and eventually fade away.

[ocrob]

I am so confused. I am always for the underdog or usually the woman. But, you cheated on your husband and wanted to leave him for a guy that got you pregnant and not there. I don't know if your husband is a jerk or not, but this other guy is because her was with a married woman. If you were ready to leave your husband, then you should leave him anyway. I don't have enough information to judge you, but I am leaning towards your hubby. If he is a jerk and hits you, then I will support you, but you sound wrong. You made love for a better word with this guy and this baby did not happen. I doubt he would have been there and I am wondering what is up with your husband. He may be a total jerk and I will be on your side, but for now I am wondering what is up.

[Skippy]

I understand that it is hard, and as many people would say it we cannot judge. I think having a mis-carrage with the ex coworker has added more weight tho the situation. I think that will always be a reminder to you.

As DN said, it is as much your fault as his. You betrayed your hubby and your princiiples and that is the weight that i think you have on your shoulders. I think the way to approach this, is to find out where along the line you strayed within yourself which comproised your principles, approach it amd make peace with yourself (be bruttally honest with yourself ). Maybe you will realise that you used the guy too and maybe you owe him an apology for also making his relationship suffer. maybe then you can move on.

[Diggitydave]

forget about this co worker thing. leave him for good in sight and in mind. try to salvage things with your husband. he is the one you made vows with not this other dude. If you do not want to be with your husband. let him know too.

[itsallgrand]

You need to find another job, get relocated, or something. How can you heal and be NC if you have to work with this person? You can't.

 

It would be a big step.

 

I disagree with pouring your energy into your hubby and your marriage. Yeah, I have never been married - but I've been in relationships that were deep and bonding.

 

Take yourself away from the situation and work on yourself. Pour your energy in yourself. Because to me, that is the real problem!

 

Best wishes.