Change

[crvers]

Change.

 

Have you ever looked yourself in the mirror after your significant other has left you and not recognized the person looking back. Have you ever looked at that reflection and wondered what happened to you. "How could u be this person" or "What have I done." Have you ever asked yourself that question and looked inside to find the answer. Looked inside and realized your not the person you had expected to grow into. A perfect quote of this was from the movie The Weatherman:

 

I remember once imagining what my life would be like, what I'd be like. I pictured having all these qualities, strong positive qualities that people could pick up on from accross the room. But as time passed, few ever became any qualities that I actually had. And all the possibilities I faced and the sorts of people I could be, all of them got reduced every year to fewer and fewer. Until finally they got reduced to one, to who I am.

 

I ask this question because I wonder, do u ever get a second chance when u do reflect and correct. I mean truly correct some of the errors in your logic and permanently changing of oneself for the better. The change to better u, not make u more appealing to ur significant ex.

 

I ask this question because so many fail in the light they are given when one leaves them. So many fail to recognize what they are doing wrong, yet say they have learned. BUT what if you have. What if it took that person leaving to make u see. Make u see who you really are. The real woman or man that u are supposed to be.

 

Maybe my question isn't really a question but more of a statement. I hurt a very important person in my life because I forgot who I really was. It took her leaving me to realize who I am. Who I was really supposed to be. I miss her with all my heart, but must also thank her for her sacrifice because it took her heartbreak to show me. Sometimes for those who continually hurt their g/f's or b/f's, it takes them leaving to be able to recognize what they were doing wrong. Just don't forget the lesson, or u'll never remember the answer.

[Dako]

Boy do I hear ya!

I looked in the mirror to see a tired old guy without a clue. Every good thing drained away and no chance of any future joy. I looked like a dead man.

 

Since then I learned I don't need to change or take all the blame for the split. People grow apart, things change, and it's probably for the best not to force ourselves to fake it. Whatever my ex was tired of doesn't need repair. I plan to stay single.

[blueangel]

I am an extrememly self aware person. I'm almost like a therapist for myself.

 

But, yes, you can always change yourself. It's starts with writing- what EXACTLY do you admire about people? Who do you want to be?

 

The more you acknowledge those types of thoughts, the more they become daily thoughts until they are daily you. You can either sleep walk through life and let life shape you... or become observatory, stop in your tracks and pay closer attention to where you are going. It's the only way to have success anywhere in life.

 

Here's my list (shortened version):

 

blunt, honest person- say what you really think for there are too few people in this world like that... and THAT is what people are really looking for (be different than them and for them)

 

always forgive

and always let it be through understanding

so you can keep in mind WHY that person isn't right for you to rely on

but with a more accepting of others attitude than blame

 

pay special attention to people around you with your eyes- always let someone know that you see them, see their heart and tell them what you appreciate about who they are that is refreshing... every once in a while (be different than them and for them)

 

"I love how you really make things so organized around here."

 

work harder than you did last time- work to send a message of who you are through that, not just what the project is supposed to be

 

take up an interest and a cause- one that doesn't define who you already are but the part of you still to discover

 

eat healthy and do something active as often as you can- let your surroundings be sunshine

 

write in your journal once a day

 

 

And then, just keep making goals. It becomes fun. When you notice a trait in others that makes you feel happy to be around them, try acting that way back. Sometimes I use an English accent when I joke about something serious-as if I'm TRYING to act serious about it. Take upon things that touch you. I was watching Memoirs of a Geisha and the character is caring, tries to be clever when she can, acts calm and mature, but also gentle in the end. Let people see your vulnerability, when you are feeling shy and turn it into softness. Take a positive twist on things you don't like about yourself and change around the words you use to define yourself... for example: weird= unique, shy=calm, alone=confident, awkward= just observing

 

Then, when you feel you have regrets- write a letter to the person you have regrets towards. Write a letter you would want to read- full of humanness and openness. If that person doesn't respond, they will regret it later... for it is not every day we all put ourselves out there in scary ways. It's a way to get another to connect with the deeper and vulnerable part of themselves as well and if they don't respond, it's because they are scared.

[blueangel]

Set morals for yourself, almost rules- write goals to bring out certain traits

And you will see in the mirror who you want to be

And the person you are will no longer seem as bad

[Cooperstown]

I wouldn't say it was breaking up that made me realize some mistakes I've made in relationships, but rather myself growing up and maturing. About 3 years ago I went through a really really really messy break up, long story short we were together 4 years and her idea of breaking up with me was calling me while she was having sex with another individual. Needless to say that was rough and really screwed me up for along time. I went through a 2 year relationship not getting over it, this person surrounded me with love, but in the end it didn't work out because I was unable to get over the past. After we split I did finally manage to get over it, the thing is looking back on both relationships were mostly good ones, there were some common things that I did that did cause some problems in the relationship. I don't know if it's the time or the circumstances that recently occuried, but I went through a major change as a person and self reflection was key to that. On the upside me and my ex of 2 years are now very good friends which means alot to me because she is the one that showed me it was ok to live again and be myself again.

[stevie52]

I feel what your saying i acted a similar way and the relationship ended. it was the worst and best thing that ever happened to me. i have become a better person because of it. i have noticed that on most days i see a little bit of improvement. I am truly a better all around person than i ever was before i am closer and better with my friends, family and when it happens in a relationship. I have changed my lifestyle and it feels damn good to do it and i look in the mirror and i like what i see.

 

will changing get you a second chance with the ex? only time will tell. I look at it as a second chance in life. changing for the better opens up doors and good things will happen. I was also told in one of my posts that alot of the time the dumpee ends up a stronger better person than the ex which is also turning out to be true in my situation.

[crvers]

I guess I wrote this not because of a second chance at ur ex, but more of a second chance to yourself. People don't need to change to become accepted by ur friends, g/f - b/f, or family. But sometimes you should change because certain things need to be changed about yourself.

 

Maybe its growing up. Maybe its someone leaving you. Maybe its that big light bulb finally on one day in ur head.

 

I just felt like I needed to write this, tell someone that I grew up. That I changed for myself because there were so many things I took for granted and never took seriously. I wrote it for the selfish life without thinking about the costs. I wrote it knowing that I did learn something. That something was sacrificed for me to change. I hope I have changed. I feel I have changed. The package remains the same, but the person inside has been forever changed. The memories of the life that I wish i could live, may still be something that could happen because I have. Thats all I was trying to say I guess

[Scout]

You can either sleep walk through life and let life shape you... or become observatory, stop in your tracks and pay closer attention to where you are going.

 

I really needed to read this today. Thanks for writing it Blueangel. And crvers, thanks for starting such a profound thread.

[crvers]

Set morals for yourself, almost rules- write goals to bring out certain traits

And you will see in the mirror who you want to be

And the person you are will no longer seem as bad

 

I personally think this is a great quote. Not one person on this board has said it like blueangel has. I applaud her post.

[Scout]

I know, her post was absolutely phenomenal. But it never would have been stated if you hadn't started this terrific thread.

[crvers]

I hope this thread gives others something to think about. A breakup happens and u fall apart. But something happens after it. When the pain begins to subside a new, stronger, and more abled person hopefully is born. I know that I have had this happen to me. I hope this has happened for others.