Driving me crazy, need help to read his feelings

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I've been involved in a long-distance relationship for 6 months. We live on opposite coasts and for a long long time I thought he was the one - brilliant, attractive, funny, and caring. I flew out to see him once and stayed for three weeks, and he's due to fly out to see me and arrive in a few days. I'm 29 and he's 21, and given his intellegence and his experiences, the age difference didn't make a lot of difference to me.

 

The problem: since I got back from visiting him in February, our phone contact time has diminished significantly. We still spend some time online, but the phone contact was what began bothering me. He used to call me every night before we went to sleep, we'd often have phone sex (which was a first for me and I found it very fufilling), we'd just talk for hours. Now, nothing - its like pulling teeth to get him to call me, and when I call him the calls are generally over in 15 minutes. Since I got back, in 2 months we've gotten erotic maybe twice.

 

Then, there were times I would call and he would be on the other line. Especially at times when he said he was sleeping. I know he has a number of friends - although, oddly none of them called while I was visiting - but it didn't make sense for him to lie to me about it.

 

Finally a few days ago after he got angry at me for a comment I made and refused to answer my calls, I did A Bad Thing and checked his cell bill online. (He had given me the password previously, back in December, when his line got turned off so I could help him figure out what was going on. At that time I had told him there were a number of calls to IL, and he claimed he didn't know what that was all about as he didn't know anyone out there.) Well, I found tons of calls both to and from IL, the same number as back in December. Most of these calls where when he said he had been sleeping. I was devistated and at the time he still wasn't answering my phone calls.

 

I finally spoke with him late the next day and asked him if there was something he wasn't telling me, if there was someone else, why he didn't call anymore at night. No, no, and he's been stressed and tired from work were the responses. I bit the bullet and told him I knew he was lying, and I admitted I checked his cell bill. I told him I understood if that was the final straw for him as it was a rotten thing to do, but it was driving me insane. He said again that he has other friends besides me, and there's some things he needs to talk about that he can't with me. He wouldn't say who it was he was talking to.

 

I have a good idea who it was from checking his Myspace account - an ex girlfriend living in IL, about 12 miles from the town given on his cell records. I didn't mention I had figured that part out. I did tell him that I had a lot of friends, both exes and just guy friends, and that I wouldn't be angry with him for talking with them - it was the lying that got to me. He promised that I was the only one for him, and that he forgave me for checking his cell bill, and that he would never leave me. I told him not to make promises that no one can keep - but just to promise that if/when it ever happened, he would be honest.

 

Over the next two days, however, the calls still continued - and so did the lies. Again, he was sleeping when he was on the phone with her for hours.

 

I really do care for this guy - even was pretty sure I was in love with him - but now I'm not so sure. The lies would be enough of a strain on a long distance relationship, but there's also the matter of his temper - I never know what's going to set him off, and when he goes off there's any number of accusations about me being volatile and he can't handle it, etc. I try very hard to be honest with myself and others and I honestly don't know where these outbursts on his part come from, but he will refuse to answer his phone until he's calmed down. After he does answer, eventually he'll apologize, but I'm the one constantly doing all the legwork - getting him to talk about what's going on, how he's feeling, etc etc.

 

I know in my heart I should just call it quits. He's like a raw wound you can't quit messing with though - I'm having a very hard time understanding how the sweet and wonderful guy I thought I was in love with has turned into someone who continually lies to me and doesn't trust or care enough to tell me what's going on. Again, he's flying out here in two days to spend two weeks with me. I'm not sure if I should tell him to cancel his flight, or wait until he gets out here and try to talk to him face to face, where he can't blow up and hide.

 

Sorry for the length, but I haven't really had anyone to talk to about this and its been burning me up. Any advice on what his behavior means or what I should do to tackle this would be appreciated.

[NubianLove]

Hey you never did mention how you guys met, and how long after u met b4 getting into a relationship? Also from what you say you guys have only met in person that 1x, that trip you made?

 

There are clear trust issues here, you had no right to check his cell bill regardless. While its easy to blame him for a lot of stuff, its ok to accept responsibility too for your actions.

I'm not one to pull the age card, but I think clearly here's the case, he's 21, ready to spread his wings and experience stuff, and you are probably looking to settle down at 29, and might have made reference to that, and he senses it.

 

I think now i the time to look into what you want out of the relationship, or any relationship. So you wait till he gets to ur place to talk to him, and then what happens for the rest of the 2 weeks? If you plan on talking to him, do it b4 he travels, and you'll save u both the time and stress.