What i have learned from relationships

[byates5637]

Hello all,

 

I have been in two long term relationships. Each lasted 3 years, and i think i am permenetly scarred from both of them. I still think about both the girls every day. Anyway, everyone says you are supposed to learn when a relationship ends so you can make the next one better. Well their is really onle one thing i have learned from both these relationships and it is really sad...

 

 

If you act indifferent to your partner She will love you with all of her heart. If you make her think that you could and might leave her at any second without any pain or looking back, she will give you more love then you can imagine.

 

However, if you show your partner love and respect, she will take you for granted. If you buy her nice presents on her birthday, call her before bed to say i love you, try to compromise with her when you argue, or talk about your future together, she will think you are a pushover and leave you.

 

 

Now why the fuc* is the world like this? Why can i not express love to a women without her running away? It is really sad...

[Beyondthesea]

 

If you act indifferent to your partner She will love you with all of her heart. If you make her think that you could and might leave her at any second without any pain or looking back, she will give you more love then you can imagine.

 

However, if you show your partner love and respect, she will take you for granted. If you buy her nice presents on her birthday, call her before bed to say i love you, try to compromise with her when you argue, or talk about your future together, she will think you are a pushover and leave you.

 

QUOTE]

 

From this I can honestly say you are dating the wrong women.

 

Not all women are like that. There are many lovely ladies looking for a man who won't play them, and won't do the things you mentioned! Making a woman chase you and cause her that emotional turmoil will catch up with you in the end.

 

If you really feel that this is the way relationships are, you have learned some bad things from relationships and should probably go to a few counseling sessions to sort some things out. There's nothing wrong with that. After being in bad relationships, your brain learns the wrong things.

 

"I am incapable of being loved."

"Women only want players."

"If I'm nice to her she'll leave me."

 

These are all wrong, and all common things you learn from being in bad relationships.

 

Take a look at yourself, don't accept a relationship you know is wrong, and the right lady should come along.

[Boricua7]

Sounds like someone has dated the wrong girls, no offense. I feel the same way you do but towards men and I have just come to the conclusion that I have just picked some bad apples. You'll find yourself a good one, I promise.

[SxcLady]

However, if you show your partner love and respect, she will take you for granted. If you buy her nice presents on her birthday, call her before bed to say i love you, try to compromise with her when you argue, or talk about your future together, she will think you are a pushover and leave you.

 

Everything you have mentioned here ... well its great. If thats what you were doing ... i dont know what to say. In a relationship, Me and My friends all look for the same 4 things ... and they are:

 

1. Love

2. Respect

3. Honesty

4. Trust

 

If ive missed anything please someone tell me. But I have always felt that they are the most important things a man can give to a woman and a woman to a man. No present or money can buy these things. Each person in a relationship needs to earn them. With the compromising and arguing ... every couple has their arguments. And every couple (without words) knows how each other handle the situation after their first few arguments. Whether it be, the person in the wrong comes back and apologises, whether they both have a meeting and (as the saying goes) "kiss and make-up", or whether it be a walk away now ... come or call back in 5minutes. There are plenty of other ways, but im not going to type them all out.

...

I dont know what else to say.

I guess thats all i can say ... Byez!

[sweetheart230]

I may be too inexperienced to accurately comment, but I think in some ways you are right. But if you are treating a woman well, and she takes you for granted, then obviously she doesn't love you the way you deserve to be... and its time to find someone who does.

 

If a girl is attracted to a guy who is indifferent to her, then she's got issues and she's going to be miserable b/c she'll always want what she can't have. And know what, I don't know you, but I think you deserve someone who's emotionally healthy and can love you back.. and treat you the same way you treat her.

[fishrrshortae]

Honestly, it sounds like they might not have liked you as much as you liked them. ?

[Lita43]

Hi byates5637,

You will alway's be better off giving women Love and Respect, so if they screw you over, it's their problem and not yours!

Most young women are very superficial and want money or things that they expect a guy will give to them.

I'm here to tell you that you are being "USED!!!!"

Sorry "Little Girls!!!!!", I am a women who has "Been There Done That!!!", So don't play with the the man's heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Users are losers!!!!

Man you have to get into women's dialoge and know which is to keep or to go.

If there is a girl (I don't care how cute her * * * is!!!), if she alway's want or begs you to spend money on her, dump her!!!!!!

Mega shoppers/mall rats, oh my!!!!

Ok, think into the future of what your vocation will be and if you will make enough money to fuel the spending monster in your life and will just make you broke and put you into bankrupcy!!!!

Geeeeeeeeeeez!, Isn't that a happy thought???

Marriage/Divorce, Kid's bopped around between parents. unhappiness, loneliness, misunderstanding, a feeling that you don't belong or nobody wants you??? Why are my parents fighting over me??? Is this all my fault????

Get the hormones in check and think of the big picture, cuz you don't want to go "THAT FAR", Do YOU!!!!

Good Luck and think about it!

 

Lita~

[SeaBisquit]

your looking at it wrong,you should have learned that you were with the wrong girl.

[Dako]

As a depressed and cynical guy who's always been the dumpee, I still love women. If you just count the scars, you're missing the blessings of a relationship. Look how many threads here recount the optimistic search for soulmates, true love and fairy tail endings. These folks are bound to be damaged when love is imperfect, challenging or just a Bad Thing. Sure love stinks, but only after it smells sweet.

 

When love stinks, it just feels like giving is a mistake.

Like most things in life, you don't get something for nothing.

[byates5637]

Honestly, it sounds like they might not have liked you as much as you liked them. ?

 

No they did.

 

The first girl took me for granted. She used me because i would do anything for her. Then when i left her and moved on with life she couldn't live without me. We got back together and I was very indifferent towards her and she became the perfect girlfriend...until eventually it ended

 

Having learned from the first relationship to not give too much too quickly, i decided to try again. 2nd girlfriend was this girl who was secretly in love with me for a few years. I always kind of found her repulsive(personality, not looks). Somehow she convinced me to spend a week in the Caribbean with just me and her. So we fell 'in love'. She would do anything for me, but i withheld my full love from her. I was not ready to open up to another girl yet. So she would do anything for me and i did very little in return. After about two years i realized how much i loved her and wanted to make it work so i started actually caring about her and trying to make her happy. Of course this is when she started becoming very distant and eventually left me...

[Momene]

... but on the other hand these relationships can't have been that bad or they wouldn't have lasted for 3 years, which is a very long relationship. Some people meet, marry and divorce in that time. Also, unless you're dating older girls, a lot of young people of both sexes just don't know how to behave in relationships. Most relationships end with feelings of negativity, otherwise they wouldn't have ended.

 

I'd be positive and say that at 22, with two 3 year relationships, you've done very well. You can move on from this because not all people are the same.

[byates5637]

I'd be positive and say that at 22, with two 3 year relationships, you've done very well. You can move on from this because not all people are the same.

 

Hey, thanks man. Your right. Recently i have just been getting down on myself alot, but what you say is really true. Not many of my friends have been through two relationships already. I guess maybe i am kind of ahead of the game. But, just like you, i have this dark, cynical, side to myself that just can't see things optimistically

 

Momene, i really do respect your advice. You seem like you have been through alot and have learned much about the world. Not to mention we are both depressed, cynical, kurt vonnegut fans.

 

Goodnight.

[eleanorrigby1]

Sounds like someone has dated the wrong girls, no offense. I feel the same way you do but towards men and I have just come to the conclusion that I have just picked some bad apples. You'll find yourself a good one, I promise.

 

I have also felt like this towards men, probably because whenever I have loved someone and told them so and treated them properly they have dumped me and left me for the local * * * * *, or to get back with an ex that treated them like * * * *.

 

My ex told me he thought I was sweet and pretty and lovely but that he wasnt 'inlove' with me, said he didnt know why, anyway he had a new girlfriend within a day! and I heard on the grapevine that she cheated on him but he forgave her and then he moved in with her after a month! anyway that was two years ago and I would often see his mum and she would say "Oh she is such a * * * * * she treats him like * * * * he is always crying about it" he ended up moving back home time and time again but he never left her!

 

This made me very bitter, I told myself if i had of been a total tw*t he would have stayed with me.

 

I have met someone else who seems to like me being nice and said i am the nicest girl he ever met and that i treat him so well, when he said this i felt scared like he had isulted me. Particularly because I know his ex who he was with fo years was a total * * * * *, I want to say to him sometimes "why did you love her for so long? why did SHE have to dump YOU if she was such a * * * * *? it should have been you dumping her!!" but I figure I will see how it goes.

 

However experience has also lead me to hold great belief in "Nice guys/girls finish last"

[Momene]

You have to be nice enough to make people fel secure but nasty enough to not be boring. If you can get that right, you're a genis but it's what people want.

[Skippy]

hey it is a game that the world plays.

I read a book about the the other day. It states that to have a LONG term relationship you have to play a game to keep the interest up.

It give new meaning to the term "give a little and take a little."

That means, Give her a little, and then take it back. Make her want you and with this little game your relatonship will remain interesting for both of you.

 

TO me it SUCKS but it seems to work

[the yang to the worlds yin]

you know what interests me? how so many people that have had such heartbreak, automatically assume it w because THEY were too good or too nice.i mean maybe it's easier to think that the other person took forgranted, but it would seem that with most relationships, no ones all that perfect. their hard, they take work and so much compromise, and for one party to feel it's totally one sided, just seems like suggestive tihnking to me. however, i do not mean to persecute you here or anything, just a thought for the broad spectrum of society.

[Momene]

you know what interests me? how so many people that have had such heartbreak, automatically assume it w because THEY were too good or too nice.i mean maybe it's easier to think that the other person took forgranted, but it would seem that with most relationships, no ones all that perfect. their hard, they take work and so much compromise, and for one party to feel it's totally one sided, just seems like suggestive tihnking to me. however, i do not mean to persecute you here or anything, just a thought for the broad spectrum of society.

 

Let's face it, very few people marry the first person they date (although I know 3), so most of us have break-ups. We can analyse why they fail but is a 2/3 year relationship that doesn't end in marriage, such a disaster? I think in that time you'd have had love and companionship and you'd have learned a lot about relationships. The real truth is that we have initial attraction and when that wears off, people often get bored and move on. It's just natural and if a relationship is going to last long-term, boundaries have to be shifted and "sacred cows" have to be sacrificed. Nights out with the boys/girls have to be given up to pay for cots, nappies, baby food, etc and I'm dreading the next bit as both my parents and in-laws aren't getting any younger, so I can expect soem split loyalties for both of us.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

but what does the boredom truly stem from? i mean one would assume a relationships based off of much more than just intital attraction. however many relationships do experience it at one point or another. i'm guessing a lot of times people are kind of on pins and needles whn first with someone for a while, and when the comfort stage comes in, it's a little too safe, and tends to be mistaken for loss of interest.

[Momene]

but what does the boredom truly stem from? i mean one would assume a relationships based off of much more than just intital attraction. however many relationships do experience it at one point or another. i'm guessing a lot of times people are kind of on pins and needles whn first with someone for a while, and when the comfort stage comes in, it's a little too safe, and tends to be mistaken for loss of interest.

 

I think people can mistake safe and boring but one of our human traits is to explore outside the known and familiar. It's what drives people to change jobs, cars, homes, etc.

 

Think that the USA was made by people leaving their home countries to explore a new world.

[devyn]

trust me there are girls that like being treated well and find it a turn on...i promise that all girls are not this way!!! don't give up!!!

[final attack]

Don't believe the hype. It's sad, but oh so true.

 

As for people that say "your dating the wrong women". I don't buy that. He is dating the women he is attracted to. That type of woman doesn't want a new age sensistive guy. They get bored, and fall out of love.

 

I have a few virgin mates over 20 and and they are just part of the nice guy statistics.

 

Most women will say "Women want a sensitive guy, who will share his feelings and tell me how much he loves me." Until your ears bleed, but I've found that isn't the case. Not for any girl/relationship, I've known or been in.

 

Its an unpopular view I'm sure. But I'm a converted from nice guy, and doing much better in relationships now.

[Momene]

Don't believe the hype. It's sad, but oh so true.

 

As for people that say "your dating the wrong women". I don't buy that. He is dating the women he is attracted to. That type of woman doesn't want a new age sensistive guy. They get bored of him, and fall out of love.

 

I have a few virgin mates over 20 and and they are just part of the nice guy statistics.

 

Most women will say "Women want a sensitive guy, who will share his feelings and tell me how much he loves me." Until your ears bleed, but I've found that isn't the case. Not for any girl/relationship, I've known or been in.

 

Its an unpopular view I'm sure. But I'm a converted from nice guy, and doing much better in relationships now.

 

We have the nice guy/bad guy debate on the BBC board. When girls finally get tired of being treated like excrement, they grow up and like nice guys but you have to be bad enough to be interesting.

[final attack]

Yeah, I'm particularly passionate about it because it effected me, and I learnt the hard way. I'm fine now though.

 

Its not the 'nice' part which is the problem. Its everything else that comes along for the ride. Idolising/worship, being agreeable, lack of contraversy, and tamer sex. I feel nice guys don't make women feel secure. From what I can tell women like men to be men.

 

This is all just my opinion, based on my experiences.

[girl_83]

Were you over-protective of these girls in anyway?

Did you give them the freedom to go about as they pleased? to be honest i cant speak on behalf of all girls but im talking about me and other girls like me. When a guy gets too possesive or too strict, it makes the girl feel trapped and scared..so we do the one thing that we can do to be able to breath again, and thats letting whoever is holding us back to go. Maybe you did a few things wrong that u wernt aware about, i doubt if a girl is being treated like a queen she would just decide to leave for no good reason. Like the old saying goes..theres 2 sides to every story. Im not saying anything bad or negative about you, all im trying to say is that you should really take the time to really realise what were the real reasons for these girls leaving. Did they say to you 'im leaving you because you treat me good and your way too nice?'

 

Good luck and i hope everything works our for u

[Dating Coach]

You're misreading the situations, and you must find a happy medium. I show my fiance' all the love and respect in the world. However I do not sit there and take disrespect from her. If she is wrong on something, I say it. If she is rude to me, I stand up for myself. If things get heated, we might need an hour apart to cool down, but we work through these problems. Our relationship works great at 95% of the time, we are 100% happy.

 

If you were too needy and clingy into a relationship, yes, that will drive a woman away, but not because she doesn't want love and a strong relationship, it was because she doesn't want a needy clingy desperate guy, she wants a stand up alpha male.