Staying together

[Momene]

This came up on another thread. I've been married for 17 years and have a 15 year old daughter. I was previously married for 3.

 

Although there's been pressures of money and my wife being homesick, things were anything from OK to great until about 2 years ago. Since then, my wife is not interested in spending much time with me and spends most of her time in chatrooms on the net or on the 'phone. Although I have hobbies and also go on relationship boards and e-mail friends a lot, I don't do it at the expense of time with my wife or daughter. Fortunately, my daughter is great company.

 

I still have feelings for my wife and her for me but we more seem to be centered on things other than each other. If she's busy on the net, I may as well be invisible. It's just that I feel empty and lonely a lot.

 

Many people have suggested that we split but I do appreciate the tender moments we have, even if they're not really often enough. I'm also worried about the effect on our daughter, who would end up with one parent being absent, as we come from different continents.

 

A sensible solution would be for me to spend more time out with friends but I don't have any in the "real" world, only cyberspace and we're short of money (came close to losing the house recently), so going to bars is a no-no and I don't feel comfortable doing it alone.

 

Although I was attracted to a girl at work a while ago, I'm not specifically interested in anyone at the moment and have severe doubts as to whether I'd wish to have another serious relationship in the future. I can't imagine having any more children in my 50s. I'm also thinking of doing vouluntary work abroad in my last years, rather than work just to pay for the roof over my head and the food on the table.

 

So my plans are to stay put and not rock the boat too much until our daughter is old enough to look after herself.

 

I'd love to be closer to my wife but don't see much intention on her side.

 

Many people think I'm wrong but, disappointed as I am, I'm actually quite at peace.

[robowarrior]

Live for your daughter, first find yourself really nice 'family' things to do on a continues basis, once you find them (things that are intersting for you,your wife,and your daughter) then put restrictions on your wife for spending time behind the computer (2 hours a day or something) demand that she spends time with you.

 

Fight FOR your marriage , not against it.

 

A warning however, don't put darkness and hatred into the relationship. Always put love and light on a continues basis into the relationship.

 

If your wife refuses permantently, maby your daughter has interesting hobbies that you can find yourself in and help her with. Then at least you can love her and help her, and she can look up to you as a father is supposed to be. Don't reject your wife, try to invite and make her part of the family.

[Bethany]

Seriously.....Pull the plug and arrange a day out as a family. Communication is breaking down between you both and neither of your needs are being met. She is bored with the same old, as much as you, and it shows by her actions. Don't settle for a marriage to someone who literally turns their back on you.

 

Explain that although you go on the net too, you don't do it at her expense like you said, and you need her company and her conversation more than anyone else right now or you will find yourselves living in cyberland for a very long time.

[KweenofDenyl]

Momene, I just want you to know that I don't think you're wrong to stay in the relationship. I may have come accross that way in another thread but what I'm hoping is that you can find a way to make it better because I can see your sadness.

 

What would happen if the internet was turned off due to "financial limitations"?

[Momene]

Live for your daughter, first find yourself really nice 'family' things to do on a continues basis, once you find them (things that are intersting for you,your wife,and your daughter) then put restrictions on your wife for spending time behind the computer (2 hours a day or something) demand that she spends time with you.

 

Fight FOR your marriage , not against it.

 

A warning however, don't put darkness and hatred into the relationship. Always put love and light on a continues basis into the relationship.

 

If your wife refuses permantently, maby your daughter has interesting hobbies that you can find yourself in and help her with. Then at least you can love her and help her, and she can look up to you as a father is supposed to be. Don't reject your wife, try to invite and make her part of the family.

 

 

Thanks for the reply. On the last point, I do spend a lot of time with my daughter and talk to her more than everyone else in the world put together. I did have some tender moments with the Mrs yesterday, unfortunately, our daughter interruppted the bit where she was explaining why she spends so much time on the net ...

 

It's not darkness and hatred I feel, more a sense of emptiness and frustration.

 

I can't put restrictions on my wife and, indeed, I've no problem with what she does while I'm at work but when I'm here, she could make more effort with us.

 

There are things/places we like to do/go but we're restricted by money and the fact that our daughter is busy with study.

[Momene]

Momene, I just want you to know that I don't think you're wrong to stay in the relationship. I may have come accross that way in another thread but what I'm hoping is that you can find a way to make it better because I can see your sadness.

 

What would happen if the internet was turned off due to "financial limitations"?

 

Thanks for the thoughts. Unfortunately, the net is almost essential for us and we pay a flat rate for the net and the 'phone. so restricting use doesn't save any money.

 

This sort of problem is very common on the BBC messageboard. Traditionally, in England, it is men who spend all their time/money down the pub but it's more common now that when girls have had their children that they start wanting more independence. Most modern husbands are reasonable about this but feel threatened when the independence becomes the main focus of their wife's life and not them and the kids.

 

If I spent a lot of time out or occupied doing "me" things, people would, quite rightly, say I'm being selfish.

 

Further to another thread, we have some tender moments, like yesterday but they are not as often as I'd like.

[Momene]

Seriously.....Pull the plug and arrange a day out as a family. Communication is breaking down between you both and neither of your needs are being met. She is bored with the same old, as much as you, and it shows by her actions. Don't settle for a marriage to someone who literally turns their back on you.

 

Explain that although you go on the net too, you don't do it at her expense like you said, and you need her company and her conversation more than anyone else right now or you will find yourselves living in cyberland for a very long time.

 

I guess I need to try and make her want to be with me, rather than find people on the net more interesting. Getting her to talk about anything for more than 5 minutes is quite tough.

 

I'd find it easier if I could get out and have friends myself.