She Still Tries To Make Me Jealous!

[Jabbe]

My girlfriend and I had broken up for awhile and recently got back together. I was disappointed to find that she STILL has this same habit. Today while we were on the phone we were talking about something on a different subject, but then she makes it a point to squeeze in a story about how she talks to this guy and that they are really close. He's her recruiter.

 

Anyway, it has no effect on me and it's just annoying that she's still doing it. I honestly want to just do something that would make her jealous just to see how she would like it. Fight fire with fire, right? LOL!

 

I know that she IS the jealous type from past incidents. She's not good at acting like she's not, LOL!

 

If she loves me so much, then why would she play little mind games like that? I would confront her about this, but I don't want her to think in the slightest that it's getting to me because it's not.

 

What do you think?

[bobo85]

Its one of her many tests. Women throw these every once in a while. She's trying to get a negative reaction out of you. She probably wants to see if you are threatened by other men. Don't let her throw tests. You are the one who should throw tests at her. Mentioning other men to you who isn't her father, or a mutual friend is a big no no. Look at this as a red flag and keep it in the back of your mind. If there are too many red flags...dump her. there are plenty of GOOD women out there who can make you happy.

[Jabbe]

I understand where you're coming from. I'm normally just a straightforward guy, but if she really wants to keep it up, then so be it. I'll just reverse it, so that she can get a taste of what she's trying to make me feel. I know that if I openly say something about it, she'll get her little sense of satisfaction and keep doing it anyway (I know her better than she really knows). Yep, she's done it nearly everytime we got together or talked on the phone so far, and you can imagine how old it's gotten already.

 

By the way, she was surprised to hear me toss off her story that meant nothing. I know that she was taken back because she paused and asked me what I said again to rack her brain. Her intention was never to finish what we were talkin' about before because she completely forgot about it. You're right about test throwing also.

[GottaLetItBurn]

yeah man. Sometimes you have to put feelings aside and see a woman for what she really is. A game player.

 

Like the above post says. If she puts you through too many, dump her. It's hard with all the emotional attatchments, but it will make you 100 times more appealing to her when your gone. When you find someone better it that doesn't play with you like that you will be happy.

 

It's ok that you make her jealous and vise versa, but it should be rare. It should only be for her to excite you and freshin thing up, not piss you off. Sometimes it's a way of renewing the passon, but yeah, the above post is good advice.

[metro23]

I had a girlfriend once who pulled that crap I told her go ahead and date him dumped her and did not talk to her for a month, she never pulled that particular game again, unfortunetly she had several other games to take it's place so it did not work out anyway.

 

the bad thing is, you can stop this game and she will start another and another, it's about her. why waste your time trying to pay her back when the relationship will destruct anyway. find a girl with some self esteem

[RandomAdvisor]

I wouldn't recommend trying to play more games in retaliation for this. That's just going to lead to more problems. Listen to rocker and metro23, they know what they are talking about. She does these things to you because she is insecure and has very little self esteem. In the long run, a relationship with someone who displays these characteristics is not going to work out. Either she stops doing these kinds of things, or it will ultimately kill the relationship.

 

If you havn't been with her for very long I think you should just breakup and move on. This is one of those things that you should watch for early in a relationship and not tolerate. If you have been with her for some time though and want to work it out because you love her, then I think this should be addressed head on. Don't retaliate with more games or simply ignore it. That will just lead to more problems. Instead, you should talk to her about this. Give her examples of times she has said things to make you jealous. Ask her why she feels the need to do this. What she really needs is some personal counseling to get her own self esteem issues worked out. If she refuses to go to counseling she's not going to change. Promising that she wont do it anymore isn't enough. Like rocker and metro said, even if she stops trying to make you jealous she will start exhibiting some other kind of behavior that is destructive to the relationship.

[Jabbe]

Thanks for your replies! You all make really good points. We've been together for quite some time now. We were together for 9 months until I broke it off for about 6 (nothing to do with her just the way the relationship was being handled).

 

She's a sweet girl who also admits to her insecurities. I believe she has low self esteem as well. I love and care deeply for her also.

 

This situation is like being stuck between a rock in a hard place. Since the fact that her associating with other guys doesn't bother me, I could easily shut up about it. If I say anything about it, she'll just keep it up and probably make it more frequent. I forgot to mention that she even goes as far as to make comments about how cute certain guys are when we wacth TV together, LOL! I just agree saying something like "Oh yea, he's definitely a hot guy. If I was homosexual, I'd be all over him!" At that point she looks shocked. Sometimes she'll laugh along with me when I know she's thinking about why I never react in negative ways.

 

I do have other women that I associate with that she doesn't know about. We'll talk on the phone or whatever else, but I don't tell her things about that because it has nothing to do with us.

 

Do you think it would be playing games if I was to mention few of these women? I'm more interested in making it clear that she's not the only female I associate with, and that I'm not wrapped around her finger.

[RandomAdvisor]

Do you think it would be playing games if I was to mention few of these women? I'm more interested in making it clear that she's not the only female I associate with, and that I'm not wrapped around her finger.

 

Intent has a lot to do with identifying what game playing is. And when you tell her something (that you have other females friends, or whatever) with the intent to push her buttons, yes that is game playing.

 

 

We've been together for quite some time now. We were together for 9 months until I broke it off for about 6 (nothing to do with her just the way the relationship was being handled).

 

Care to explain this further? What do you mean by "the way the relationship was handled"?

 

The whole thing with mentioning how cute guys are on TV could be entirely harmless. With these things you have to take them in context. My girlfriend (and probably lots of guy's GF's) might mention how hot Brad Pitt or whoever else is. But if it's only once in a while and they're not too serious about it, it's no problem. But if your GF makes it a point to constantly mention how cute many different people on TV are (or even in person), then yes she is trying to make you jealous and that's not healthy.

[Jabbe]

I agree that it's not healthy. I honestly don't want to stoop to her level because I've already seen her react out of jealousy just by me doing things that are apart of who I am. The fact that I KNOW I'll get a rise out her is further more reason not to retaliate.

 

As for the break up. There were actually people, on her side of the fence, thinking they had some kind of "say so" in our relationship. Dealing with her was like dealing with one too many people. She seemed to have no problem with it, but that was always one of my peeves.

[RandomAdvisor]

I'm guessing family members. Just for reference, how old are you two?

[Jabbe]

You're half right about the guess. It was some of her friends also. They had the ability to fill her mind with nonsense while we were apart (I left the country for the Summer). Can you believe that?

 

I'm 20 and she's 18. Her parents have lightened up a little though because of her age. We get to spend days alone together not being limited to watching TV all the time.

[RandomAdvisor]

I went through a similar experience with my GF when she went away to college. She had all her friends telling her I was a loser and that I wasn't good enough for her. It created problems but we never broke up over it. Four years later we're still going strong.

[Jabbe]

We spent time together and she kept doing it again. This time, the ONLY thing she mentioned was guys staring at her backside. I replied to her, not playing games, saying that I never check her out like that. She went on to say "Yes, you do!" Like she would actually know, right? Why in the world would she have such a response? I couldn't help it and just bursted with laughter!

 

Anyway, it's true. I never do, and since the subject was open I went on to say what kind of backsides I would possibly glance at. This made her get really quiet, and she just stared at me for a couple of seconds while I was driving. This had no intent, and it felt just like regular conversation to me.

 

Later that day, I spilled my guts letting her know how much I love her. I didn't want to bring it out yet (asking her if she tries to make jealous), so I just asked her to promise that she would never play mind games with me (because I hate those, and to just see if she could go a day without making comments like that). If she does it again, then I'll just be blunt and straightforward about it.

 

What do you think?

[RandomAdvisor]

What do you think?

 

I think you should have been more straight forward about it.

 

And like the other two guys mentioned earlier in the thread, she may stop trying to make you jealous but unless the root cause of her problem (low self esteem and insecurity) are dealt with she is going to start exhibiting other behaviors that will negatively affect the relationship.

 

It's like plugging a hole in a weak dam. You put your finger in one hole, and the water starts to come out of another.

 

So maybe she will stop trying to make you jealous completely. Maybe she will be completely devoted and commited to you, and that will be the new problem. She could become Ms Clingy, calling you every 20 minutes to find out where you are because she's afraid you'll cheat on her.

 

I hope I'm not making it sound light she's totally crazy or anything, she's not. As things go her problems are relatively small and simple, but it is a legitimate problem none the less that has to be dealt with if you want this relationship to work.

 

I think you missed a good opportunity to discuss this with her, but that's ok. I've got good money that says she will give you another opportunity within the next week, and she'll try to make you jealous again. Maybe she wont but I think she will. When she does it, make a mental note. Don't say anything to her right then, just remember it. Then later on that day or the next day, when you two have some private time alone sit her down to have a talk about this. Bring up the new example of her trying to make you jealous. Rather than mention the jealousy exclusively, it's important to stress why she does it - her insecurity. Suggest that she begin seeing a counselor to work through her insecurities. If she's admitted to them in the past she should be receptive to that.

 

Ultimately it's her choice as to whether she'll seek help or not, you can't force her. Understand though, that if she chooses not to go and try to work her own issues out, that her insecurities aren't going to magically disappear over night. You'll have to decide if this is something you'll be able to deal with, or if you should break up.

[Jabbe]

You're right. The next time she does it, which will DEFINITELY be this weekend, I'll just talk with her about it. If I get anything out her, I'll let everyone know what happens.

[RandomAdvisor]

Good luck.

[Jabbe]

Well, I didn't get to discuss it with her because I was saddened by something else. Her mom said some things to her like "I hope you don't think you're gonna end up with him," making it sound like our relationship was just some sort of fling.

 

The farthest I've gotten was telling her that she's told me the same stories about 4 or 5 times. After hearing what I heard I didn't even feel like bringing it up. Everytime I'm with someone, there's always somebody that would prefer me not being around.

 

I just hope that her parents don't get inside her head.

[metro23]

Let it go man.

[Jabbe]

We talked about it last night, and pretty much got past it. I won't have to worry about this anymore. If she does anything of the sort, it will now be easier to call her out on it.

 

Thanks for the words, everyone!