Jump to content

How do you earn back trust?


Recommended Posts

Hi,

 

I have been reading several threads on the forum about what to do when trust is broken in a relationship. From what I gather most people think that if you are the one who was hurt it is okay to be angry, and it is up to the other person to "earn/regain your trust."

 

My question is, what does that entail exactly? How do you think someone goes about earning trust again? I ask because I am currently in that position and I wonder what opinons you all have on the subject. Has anyone ever hurt you and if so, what did they do to re-establish trust?

 

Luckily, my boyfriend has not walked out on me but I know we are in a crucial stage and trust needs to be re-built again. (I did not cheat on him or bring another person into our relationship. I did however, overstep lines of privacy and respect).

 

I certainly have apologized and acknowledge my actions but what now? To be blunt, he is pretty tired of hearing about it and the fact that I am sorry. I know actions speak louder than words but I am unclear as to how one "earns back trust."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, I understand that depending on the circumstance it makes it harder or easier to earn trust back. But specifically, what does that involve? It is always spoken about in generalities: you have to earn trust back or you to re-gain or re-build the trust.

 

Is it just simply a matter or time where your partner sees a change in you and can begin to feel comfortable again? Or are there specific things that can be done to re-build trust?

 

Any personal examples out there? Advice?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well I dunno about relations, never been in one yet, but I'll try my best. Basically it involves lot of good commmunication skills and properly disputing your disagreements. It about getting along while and if there is a deeper issue, then that's why there is always couple therapy (sadly it does cost more money than your effort you're putting towards the relation). Hope this helps.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh sorry, I thought I did in my first post. I basically misused the trust he had in me by being a snoop. I have fessed up to it, apologized and acknowledged it but understandbly he is angry and hesitant.

 

I of course want to make it better, and I know that actins speak louder than words. I just dont know if it is merely a matter of time and being on my best behavior or if there is more I can do.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I really don't think there is MORE you can do then just show through your actions you were wrong, and not do it again, and be open to communicating about it if he asks, and not get angry if he sometimes questions you about it.

 

Remember too though, it also has to be a matter of him choosing to re-trust on his end. If he is angry about it or something, and holding on to that, it won't matter how good you are!

 

I do know saying sorry a thousand times after they have already accepted your apology won't do much but drive someone crazy!

Link to post
Share on other sites

if it helps i snooped thru my bf stuff in the past too. he was really upset with me at first but later he got over it.

 

i just explained in deep detail why i did it. he knew i was insecure but told me i better never do that again.

 

i didn't act insecure or untrusting of him after that. it mostly shows him that you don't trust in him. so you kinda have two things to work on.

 

1. showing him you trust him not to snoop

2. showing him that he can trust you

 

it will take time. tell him you are very sorry but you can't take back what you did and that you know it was wrong. be sincere don't argue.

Link to post
Share on other sites

RayKay,

 

I agree with you, once you have apologized continuing to do so will drine the other person crazy. It gets to a point where they have heard it enough and they just want to see it and really that takes time. Sometimes talking about it so much can diminish it for them.

 

I also feel that you make an excellent point when you say he has to want to re-build the trust. We talked about it at length yesterday and although he is still with me and wants to see what happens he has admitted he is not ready to let go of his anger. He is still quite upset and feels like what I did was so hurtful and disrespectful that he doesnt want it to be treated like a simple mistake. He realizes that some people might see this as a minor incident but to him it hit really deep and touched on fundamental issues that are important in a relationship. And of course he is concerned this might be indicative of more things to come. Whe it comes down to it though, he is still very upset.

 

I have never thought that holding onto anger was healthy but it is not up to me to decide what to do here. I hurt him and it is his own personal issue to deal with. He has said that in a way I am on a trial period and as he can begin to see that I am not that person and wont do something like that again he will begin to let go and start the forgiving process.

 

In the meantime though he often reacts coldly to me. I however understand this happens when you hurt someone. I have been in his position before and realize that I did the same thing. As it stands, we are not really spending very much time together. I think we both understand that if he is this angry it's best to let some cooling down happen first. He did apologize for his cold demeanor at times but explained he is not always aware of it until it is too late. It hurts but I understand.

 

I think it is probably best to step back as we decided. I mean, things seem pretty fragile right now. I asked him if we could get together next week and he did say maybe. Although, I want to push for this I wont and really a "maybe" is better than a no. In the meantime I will send him the occasional e-mail, just letting him know how I am and keeping it light and certainly not getting into relationship talk!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think I understand your question. Your last post is really long so I didn't read it, because I'm lazy, so I don't know if any one else has said this. There are different ways of earning back trust. For example, if someone cheats, the way to earn back trust is cut all contact with the person, sacrifice your privacy for awhile,and make every attempt to put your life back on track. In your case of overstepping privacy, do circumstance specific things. If you snuck into his email ask him to change the password so you can;t do that anymore. If you read a journal, same thing. Go above and beyond what you think you have to do. Get some thick skin and open yourself up to receive a little anger and criticism from him (or her). Pound it into his (or her) head that you made a mistake and won't do it again. Turn it into a relationship strengthening experience instead of a debilitating one.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 year later...

i need to earn trust back too, but from my friend

 

i dont want to say names... just in case but here it is.. letters are instead of names:

 

A and B were talking about C. A told me what B said about C. It was a little shocking to me because what B said was very true but it would be offensive if C found out. So me being stupid, felt bad for C and went off and told her what B said about her. well she got REALLY upset. She went and talked to B about it. now B is upset because she told A not to tell anyone, and she is upset with me for telling C what i had heard. and now C is mad at me too because A and B got together to cover this up and they told her I made it all up to get them mad at eachother (which sooo isnt true!!) so now everyone is upset and noone trusts me. They say they forgive me but things wont ever be the same with our friendship again. I want them to trust me again. I also want to tell C that i didnt make up what I told her. but we agreed not to talk about the situation anymore and to move on. So then if I brought it up would i just be being wrong again? I am so depressed because of this I love them and theyre my best friends. We are friends again now but they cant trust me and things wont be the same.

 

So I can understand what your going through... ummm email me if u want to talk more... I guess im just going to be friendly and nice to them, and wait for them to start talking to me again. and when they do i will be extra loyal and i will be a great friend when they are ready. i guess thats all i can do. maybe you should do the same? good luck

Link to post
Share on other sites

I never managed to read all of the details of this post ..... but I am in a situation whereby my boyfriend has broken my trust.

As far as I know he hasn't cheated but his actions, manner and words have eroded the trust I had for him.

I am prepared to work with him to regain the trust which he has been ill able to keep intact. A lot of patience and love is needed for the trust to be restored. Unfortunately, in my case, my boyfriend thinks it is my fault for having a trust issue with him and he isn't prepared to put the energy in so that I have full faith in him again.

So - it is a very good thing that you are so motivated to work at the problem.

I think your boyfriend should be a bit less harsh by saying you are on a 'trial period'.... But I understand he is hurt and hurt causes some harsh reactions so just take it as that.

My boyfriend is probably daunted by what he would have to do to restore my trust in him but the truth is that all I need is:

1) open communication

2) for him to not get angry if I ask questions concerning the issue,

and,

3) for him to make affirmations to me - even if they seem pointless and silly to him. If he makes affirmations to me that he is not making the same mistakes then it will slowly but steadily reinforce my belief in him and it will say to me that he is conscious of my hurt and that he is willing to put in the energy required for transition to renewed safety in the relationship.

 

Just that you are prepared to put the energy in to restore your boyfriend's trust is a positive thing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 years later...

I went to link removed and in their search bar I typed in these exact words,

How To Regain Lost Trust

 

They had an article written on Jan 22, 2008 that is just perfect for answering the following three questions:

What is trust?

How is it broken?

HOW TO REGAIN IT

 

I hope this helps. It is not a short answer, so that is why I did not try to copy and paste it here. It is definitely worth the read, though.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 year later...

So I am going through something with my Mom, who has broken my trust over the past 13 years so badly that we went from being best friends to me hating her. She got married and just....forgot about me. Over the course of those 13 years she promised me things and convinced me they were a good idea, then pulled the rug out from under me (to the tune of $12K on one occasion alone). She broke promises and said she's do things that she then didn't do. We'd discuss it and then she'd forget what was discussed. And there's always a reason. She stoped remembering conversations we had, so we had to go to putting things in writing. The she's conveniently lose those papers....so then I had to keep a copy. She's an attorney so now we get into semantics arguments about what she meant vs what she said.

 

And it comes down to this. You need to do something. It can't be words. He clearly doesn't trust you and thinks you may not be worth spending time with. You have to convince him you are. It might not be worth it to you, know that. But going half-heartedly to try and regain trust will FOR SURE fail at gaining it, and will dig the hole deeper. Go big or go home. Sacrifice your time, sacrifice your things, surprise him with little things that he likes. Focus entirely on him, but give him space if he asks for it. But make sure he knows you are doing something, and make sure it's about him, not you. Tell him you'll do something....and then NEVER deviate from what you tell him. Try giving him access to ALL your personal information (well, not banking maybe, keep yourself safe) to show him that YOU trust HIM despite what you did. If you ask what you can do to make it up to him, don't argue with his response, JUST DO IT. If you don't or you argue or you try to change the agreement later, I can guarantee that WILL make it much worse than not offering at all and not doing anything at all. If you aren't prepared to do just about anything when he responds, don't ask and move on. Once trust is broken, it might not be worth it to YOU to stay any more than to HIM, and you have to know what you're willing to do, how much he's worth to you. Because that's what the question here really is. How much is he worth to you, and how much can you make yourself worth to him?

 

Trust is a huge thing to break, and it's nearly impossible to get back without someone sacrificing in a major way. If you make him be the one to sacrifice he might not stick around.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...