Realizing effects of abuse

[venus777]

Having been in an abusive relationship and working with women as a health worker that have been in EXTREMELY abusive relationships, I can see that the level of abuse I have undergone personally really pales in comparison to theirs. But at the same time, I know that the repitition of behavior, fears of new relationships, all of that tends to play out in new relationships. It is often hard to realize the extent of abuse. My own family was a screaming and dysfunctional home, so sometimes I also think my way of dealing with conflict extends to even that.

I don't want a therapist in a lover or a partner but I just want them to be really good to me and try to understand my fears. Is that too much? How does one ever heal, really? I find myself constantly pushing away those that get close to me, or carrying my baggage in a way that turns people off.

I don't like talk therapy. I don't, I am already familiar with my story enough that I really don't want to repeat it again and again to someone to no end. But I don't know what to do really. And I have a hard time differentiating between what is MY problem and what is my lover or partners problem and tend to go back and forth between the two, causing excessive drama. Anyone relate to this?

[StarSteel]

I think it's great that you've recognized exactly what your problems are (most if not all of them). Right there you've got a one-up on the rest of us. I'm a behaviouralist by trade (I do ABA Therapy with autistic kids) so I fully believe that we all do what we do because of what happens to us. In your working environment I bet you've come to the same conclusion. Your ways of coping with life's issues are reminiscent of how you coped with them as a kid in an abusive environment, and also how you saw your parent(s) coping with them. Were those methods effective for them? Obviously not. I would suggest methodically identifying each of the problems you have, isolating each of them, and developing acceptable and healthy methods of dealing (and eventually eliminating if possible) with them. Could you think of anything?

 

Relationships, for example. What do you want most in a relationship? I heard a saying: "Women give sex to get love; men give love to get sex." Sad but true, generally. The proper relationship has both partners giving, and wanting, both sex and love (though I believe sex is only perfectly healthy in a marriage relationship).

 

So, back to my question. What do you want most in a relationship? Is it love? Self-affirmation? Is it sex for you? Probably not. I'm gonna take a wild guess and say love. So what do you give for love? If it's sex, you're screwed (literally). As soon as most men get that, a primary reason for sticking around is gone (if they haven't fallen in love with you). So, what's something else you can give in a relationship to get love?

 

Those kinds of questions. I think that if you change your behavioural tendencies in that way, it will actually be very therapeutic and much of your stress will dissipate.

[venus777]

i give love for love, sex for sex. i'm very aware of the difference between sex and love. for this most recent guy, holding hands and cuddling were way more intensive bonding experiences than sex, this is because i see sex as a form of pleasure, obviously better when you are actually in love with a person, but i don't get it confused, possibly because i had the best sex ever with the abusive boyfriend and thought i was in love with him but i'm not.

 

now i'm feeling bad because i put my heart out there completely for people to trample on just like you say, i do. it hurts when they drop it. ugh. i know i have to be more careful....

 

i drew a picture of him and put it on his myspace page, then drew another one i liked better, deleted the first one. after the first one he wrote me and said that was beautiful of me and he hoped to get together soon. and then he didn't say anything after i put up the second one which was much better than the first. i don't know if he is just avoiding emailing me or if it has freaked him out.

 

now, i just feel like doing that is putting my heart on a platter and it might be way too much for him after all that email back and forth and saying we wouldn't be friends. it's very dramatic and practically bipolar.

 

i'm a confused girl. i want love more than anything. but i am so afraid of it at the same time because it has been such a tool of pain in my life at the same time. i can't honestly say that i've had a good relationship with anyone, other than perhaps my first two boyfriends. now i'm just feeling real crappy about it al.