Cannot make up my mind

[Diggitydave]

I have been going back and forth with my ex for 5 months. Friends, or not talking. Thinking of her and how bad it hurts not to be with her tortures me daily. I try to put it out of my head but I just can't. I try to maintain conversations with her but always end up breaking down when I hang up the phone. Every time I have tried in the past to hang it up and move on, I either run back and call, or she calls me.

 

I am so upset that it didn't work out. It has been a long time now since the breakup but it still feels like we were together, yesterday. Even typing this I can barely hold myself together. There has been much confusion in the last 5 months. She has said things that somewhat gave hope to the situation but I have lost myself in this and am in a perpetual state fo confusion.

 

The longest I did NC was a lil over a week and then either I call her, she calls me and i give in again, or her daughter who loves me and i love like she was my own calls me.

 

The questions going through my head,

1. Is she the one and i'm gonna blow my chance if i walk away?

2. Was this my last shot?

3. Am I being selfish by wanting my space and time?

4. Am I being selfish by walking away from a little girl who loves me?

5. Am i just scared of gettin hurt again?

6. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

[MetalGuitar]

Could you give me a little more background as to why it did not work out??

[Beyondthesea]

1. If you've been apart for 5 months, it's time to walk. If you don't give each other space you'll never know if she is 'the one' for you. Personally I think you always know if this person is 'the one' it's just deciding if you want to walk and find someone else that is the problem.

2. It's not your last shot. There are nearly always second chances in life in many situations. If you walk and maintain NC and go back and she's already 'unavailable' it wasn't meant to be.

3. You certainly aren't being selfish. You two have been in limbo for months.

4. You aren't being selfish. You have to come to grips with that the relationship is over, and you will never do that by being in constant contact with her or her child.

5. I don't think so at all.

6. Ahhhhhh is right bud. Take a weekend to unwind and give yourself a break. You need it.

[Diggitydave]

it makes it harder when they give you little glimpes of hope and act like they're not doing it. Or am I ridiculously naive or love crazy that i see certain things as hope. For instance, coming to the job unannounced.

 

Details, she pretty much broke up with me, it was on fairly good terms, i guess, but somehow I ended up emotionally broken and permanently scarred because of it.

 

I admit i was no angel. after the break up i was very immature and acted like a child. i begged cried screamed and pleaded.

 

She confuses me though, and she knows it, because she's told me. But she says things like "how would two people ever get back together if they don't talk"

 

Bottom line, I love her, know it's not happening right now. Don't want to lose her though. So i am scared to walk away for good because I would still give a leg just for another shot. However, I really feel somewhere in my heart I need to move on. I just hate saying that because i want her there, forever.

 

This sucks and noone ever thinks about going through this when they fall in love. Love is ridiculous sometimes.

[coooolsome]

Well, love is a crazy thing. It can make you do crazy things. She knows how you feel. Now its up to her to come to you and say, I want you back. If she broke up with you because of things you did or didnt do, then that would be the only reason I could see that you two should still talk, otherwise she is stringing you along.

[Beyondthesea]

Dave how are you doing now?

[Diggitydave]

I am glad you asked. Terrible. Yesterday, Saturday, I mustered up enough courage to tell her I need space for real this time like for real, no calls, no in between stuff, nothing. I need space so that if we have any relationship in the future, friendship etc. I need to get to the point where I am not head over heels in love with her. She said "..........ok" then said she's gotta let me go and we hung up. She called back a few hours later and I did not pick up, although i felt I should have. She left this message

 

"Ok I didn't really get to talk much before but I just wanted to say that whatever you decide to do I need you to stick with it and I will stick with it too". Then she said, "i guess that's it, bye"

 

I feel terrible for not answering and may have blown the last chance I will ever talk to her ever again. Today thank God my friend was over because i have been balling all day and i feel like throwing up and freakin out.

 

I just know that this time it's for real. It's been 4 months of back and forth but i know that this time is different. I just feel it. I literally know this time I cannot go back or call, or answer and same for her.

 

Honestly, I have never felt worse in my life, because i know this is it and i know I have to swallow that i might never see or talk to her again. Just typing that made me nauseous.

[Beyondthesea]

Oh Dave, I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so poorly today

 

Good for you for sticking to your guns and making a decision though. As hard as it is right now, at least you won't be leaving yourself up in the air in regards to the relationship any longer. A decision has to be made, and you have to carry it out. Otherwise this pain will endure for much longer than necessary.

 

It's so hard to move on from a relationship where you felt things were really going to work out. Just make sure that you are spending your free time out with friends, doing things to occupy your time, and taking up old activities again and you will be alright.

 

As hard as it is, you have made the right decision. Going back and forth like that will never let you heal and move forward.

 

Hang in there Dave!

[Diggitydave]

i've learned so much though. That and the fact that God has a better plan for me is literally the only thing keeping me going.