More Closure? Should I Break 2 Weeks Of Nc

[disruptors]

 

 

This was a post I just posted a few weeks ago. I know we're all going through this terrible time and this is my second time and for sure its not any easier no matter what. I want to ask you all if I should contact my ex gf, its been 2 weeks and 2 days since we broke up and I have not called her at all and have stuck with the NC rule, I just said hi to her at university yesterday when I saw her in class since the lecture is in a small room. She wanted to ignore me but I'm not like that and just said HI, and we just talked about like how school was and my dog which lived with her and myself for the past 3 years but is back with me now. However since yesterday I have been asking so many friends if I should talk to her again to get closure. Thing is because I dont know the main reason why we're not together, like she's brought up how I am going away for dental school for 4 years soon (but not until FALL 2007) that she doesnt have hope, or the fact that the past 6 months I've put school infront of her, or her feeling different and just changing, her questioning her feelings for her guy friend that dated her for 4 months in High school who has just hung out with her those times I always had to study. BUT the thing is even after all these reasons, shes never told me look this is why we cant be together. There has never been a concrete reason, and thus I want closure, but I don't even know if she would tell me anything different, I mean its only been 2 weeks since we broke up and she was so confused 2 weeks ago, I dont know if itll be any different right now If i talk to her. I don't want to talk to her and act like she is everything when of course all I think about now is her mostly and wanting to get back together. My school work for my last semester before I graduate is going really bad. I can't focus whatsoever. I feel like I want more closure but am I just doing that so I can be in her presense and just be talking with her bc i miss her, or are all the reasons that she told me the REASONS themselves? I am so lost. Should I just stick with my NC and move on as I have been trying to, and just accept one answer and the answer I am 99.9% sure of even if I talk to her, which is us still not being TOGETHER. Also, we still have to exchange our things we have at each other houses, do I get a mutual friend to do it, or should we do it in person, she told her friend she would like to do it in person, but if we did I think i would ask her for that closure or atleast talk. Thank you everyone, even after I talk to many friends, I come here to really listen to the advice provided here because I truly know it is usually right, if not always.

[daffycat]

Be strong!! don't contact her!

 

If you think that she was confused about the breakup initially, then she is most likely still confused right now.

 

I think you should leave it for a while longer. It sounds like your education has taken a front seat, and that is absolutely fine, but of course it doesn't bode well for relationships.

 

You might find that she comes to you with an explanation if you keep up the NC, or after a month or so, the questions about 'why' might be replaced by feelings that you are moving on anyway, and seeking closure will only take you back to the painful flashpoint.

 

You sound like you're handling the situation with tact and aplomb...acting civilly when you bump into each other. This is a very good sign, and most likely she will respect you more for your tenacity.

 

If you try asking her for closure right now, you will probably just open the already fresh wound again, and risk a bad reaction from her.

 

Keep going as you are, and then reflect in a month or two's time whether you still need to get 'closure', or whether this urge is actually just about having face time with her.

[kadvati79]

Mate you are right in the middle of the action, in the trenches, shells landing, with this one. Two weeks is still smack bang in the middle of the breakup warzone.

 

You're also in "closure-addict" territory... that incessant "why why why" questioning that goes around and around in circles. Want to know what is so cruel about closure? You never get it. It just keeps going and going and one question leads to another and soon you have scraped off the surface and are digging directly into your self-esteem.

 

Take an emotional vacation as Daffycat suggested. You don't have to decide how you feel right now, wait and see how you feel in a month. It won't be too late to deal with it then but if you push it now you will end up eating yourself and her up in the process.

[evy38]

She broke up with you. You know, that's all the closure most of us ever get and all we really need. THEY NO LONGER WANT TO BE WITH US. What else can be said to make that feel any better? Nothing, so why put yourself through more misery? Do you really want to hear a lundry list of issues that may or may not make sense to you? It will lead to even more questions and another excuse to hang on and keep up communcation. NC is the ONLY way to really heal. That includes cutting off conversation, in class, as well.

[NJRon]

I like the term "closure-addict". Ice motoboy is right... no matter that you think that if they just told you what it was you would be able to move on, it's not true. You will keep coming back to it until you let it go. Only *you* can give youreself closure... closure is not porvided by someone else.

 

So, put it behind you. Understand that you will carry nagging doubts and confusion with you for a time and, one day, you won't even care. The best closure you can give yourself is to just let it be over... from *your* perspective.

[disruptors]

Yeah I kind of thought that too, that if I contacted her it would only be more painful and I am not accepting reality which is her not wanting to be together right now and her saying that this is probably the best right now for both of us but of course it isn't for me. Should I exchange our things in person, or get a friend to do it for us? Also why do I want to make love to her atleast one more time. It's like I want to do it and probably can but do not know if I should.

[daffycat]

oh Disruptors,

 

of course you want to make love to her one more time. This is what happens at the end of a relationship. Sex (at least for me, and I assume 99% of the rest of the population) is not just about the physical feeling, but an embrace of the emotional side of our natures. You miss her, that is natural. You want to sleep with her one more time, maybe to prove yourself to her...but more likely, to prove that you can still be something for her.

 

Your self worth is up to you now, and cannot be reflected in the emotions nor affections of another. Damn it's hard, I understand that, but you know, in a short space of time, that urge will lessen.

 

It is just part and parcel of missing someone that you used to be close to, especially physically close to.

 

But hold on, my friend, this too shall pass!

 

Keep strong, you seem grounded and aware of what is going on...dismiss this thought as the vestige of the end of a relationship.

 

As for exchanging your things...well, ask yourself truthfully, do you want to do it in person because it will give you a 'fix', a little time together...during which you hope in your heart of hearts that she will suddenly change her mind, or open up to you?

 

If this is the case, get a friend to do it; You are hurting, and you probably don't need the logistical, let alone the emotional, stress of sorting your things out.

 

When I break up with someone, I can't bear to spend much time with them, because I lose my emotional control; I start to ask questions, and suddenly exchanging a couple of boxes becomes a 'why why why???' scenario.

 

If you don't feel strong enough, get a friend to do it...there is no shame whatsoever in that. Don't do it in person merely because you think it is the 'right and respectful' thing to do.

 

Good luck...and let us know how it goes!

[NJRon]

If you two had great sex while together, then don't have sex again... it can only be worse... never better. Better to leave the good memories intact.

[disruptors]

Hey guys, I'm currently at school right now, and cannot help thinking of what I just posted. Also I have a lesson to share that I am still going through. 2 weeks ago when my gf and I broke up, I went to the bar that weekend and got it off with a girl. Thing is I've been seeing her everyday basically for the past 2 weeks, talking on the phone, msn'ing, having lunch, going to a hockey game when all of a sudden 2 nights ago at 3 am I broke down. I didn't know what I was doing, I obviously still miss my ex and want her back, but for the past 2 weeks I've been putting my feelings aside and not experiencing the pain. Even though after 2 weeks of NC a few nights ago when I broke down and cried it felt like the night we broke up, like I was back at day 1. I also do not know if I even like the girl I am seeing right now, she told me she likes me and all my friends are telling me that she is rebound, and that she is so not the girl I would go out with. But I also do not want to tell her to get out of my life now, I told her I just got out of a 3 year relationship and am not ready at all for another one, but she said sh e is okay with it and wants to see what happens. Am I just using her for a rebound because at times like this we all like the feeling of being wanted especially when our ex's want the break up and we do not.

 

As for exchanging our things, I am pretty sure I am just going to get her friend to do it. As daffycat said, I do just want to do it in person because my heart just wishes she will change her mind just by us seeing each other and exchanging stuff.

 

I just hate this because if you read my link to my first post in this topic, I broke it up with her. But the thing is I didnt want to break up, I did it because I knew she wanted it but could never say it. Because when I did it she easily agreed. However, I keep on thinking if I didnt break it up and just stayed together but at the sametime doing my own thing, like going out with my own friends and just talking or seeing her once a day or every few days that she would have came around. Because 5 weeks ago she initially wanted space but I didn't give it to her, I pressured her into coming back to me after she wanted to break up by saying she would never see me again if she wanted this. Ohh I like amongst all of you hurt so bad. I am so depressed, I don't sleep until 4 am and wake up until 9 am, I am getting sick now. To make things worse it is finals week in 1 1/2 weeks and my GPA of 3.72 so far this year can drop significantly. I am 22 years old and I have learnt that life does go on after my high school sweetheart of 3 years left me for another guy in university, but this time I really thought she was the one, or do we all say that when things like this happen? You just never realize what you had until its gone, its so true no matter how cliched it is. Sorry guys, I just have to type on here because I am in the library right now and just cannot focus but think of this. Thank you everyone.

[disruptors]

Hey everyone, I just had class with my ex, and remember how I said I talked to her last class by saying hi and asking how school was going? Well she told her friend that she was pleasantly surprised that I did that and was happy. But today she just walked straight out of class, I know she was avoiding me because I could see that while she was walking she was looking over her shoulder. I feel mad because I was being nice and courteous last class by saying hi when she was avoiding me. Is this just because she feels so guilty of wanting us to stay like this (broken up) that she can't even say hi or look at me after class, and has to rush off like there's a fire in the building or something. I so wanted to yell at her but like everyone says I should just post here whenever I feel like contacting her, and of course I did not go up to her and talk or yell at her.

[NJRon]

You know... that's great. She feels compelled to not want to contact you... just the same boat you're in, huh? She tries to hide it by acting aloof... but she looks over her shoulder... hmm... you two seem in the same boat.

 

Take the high road. Keep no contact and spare your feelings. Rest assured that she obviously thinks something of you, otherwise she wouldn't be trying so hard to run away

[daffycat]

heyyyyyyy disruptors! hang on!

 

I don't have much time right now, so briefly:

 

1) stop trying to see other girls, no matter how lovely/pretty/funny etc they are. YOU ARE NOT READY FOR IT - you are only putting another strain on yourself which frankly, you don't need right now

 

2) I always found that school helped me put my emotional state aside..put your energy into focusing on your work and succeeding this year.

 

3) SLEEP...look after yourself, take time out, do something you like doing (I'm a girl, so that normally runs along the lines of having a haircut, buying myself flowers, going to an art gallery...but you know what you like).

 

4) ACCEPT the situation for what it is right now. Don't torture yourself with the 'if onlys' and the 'whys'...just try and move on into the next phase.

 

5) KEEP BREATHING...don't feel that you are back to square one just cos you broke down...this is normal...the pain moves in a spiral; each elipse is really tight and frequent, then it lessens, but you still get moments of pain, it just becomes less frequent and less strong. Try and work out coping strategies for when it hits you like that, hard and unexpected, and try to make the strategies at moments when you're feeling ok.

 

Hope this will work for the instant, but keep going!

xx

[daffycat]

Also, damn right she left quickly because she is feeling bad (not necessarily guilty, who knows her exact emotions right now?), and probably to save a 'scene'.

 

...but boy you did good keeping strong and not trying to talk to her...well done! Pat on the back!

 

Just keep it up, and keep posting here every time you think the emotion is just getting to much...that's what we are here for!

[disruptors]

Thanks everyone for the support, it goes to show even though this happened 2 weeks ago and I felt fine, that you should never put your feelings to the side, in which I did because Ive been seeing this girl for the past 2 weeks and not really dealing with the hurt until now again, since the first few days of the breakup. I am so down, and I am just trying to get through my last semester in my 4th year of Biology.

 

I felt like emailing my ex this morning after only 4 hrs of sleep. I dreamt of her of course, it was so vivid and real that I woke up wanting to email her. But is there even a point, I would email her probably saying how much I love her, and I wish her the best, and bring up certain memories to say that I loved them and to reminesce. Or am I just doing this because of what happened recently (if you read the posts leading up to this one) and that I want to see what she does. Ohhh I am so drained and tired, and I have a 3 hr physics lab right now that I just do not care about. I left right now just to come onto here to vent and talk. Thank you guys, I don't know what I would do if I didn't post here. Even though I have friends alot of them do not understand, and alot of them are busy now, being that FINALS are 1 1/2 weeks away.

[daffycat]

Sadly, Disruptors, there is no point emailing her...

 

I am worried that you aren't taking enough care of yourself...I know you have finals, and need to keep working...but do you get spring break soon?

 

try try try your hardest to put her aside for the moment and concentrate on yourself and your work...

[NubianLove]

I dont know if this will help u, but I write down my feelings. Anytime I feel bad, mad or try to justify what NC means to me, I write it down there, and it helps me transfer the feeling from my self to paper, and get it out. It lifts a load off my chest. That way I'm not stalking him, or sending him nasty messages, or asking him why. Instead I write that in my book.

[disruptors]

Sadly, Disruptors, there is no point emailing her...

 

I am worried that you aren't taking enough care of yourself...I know you have finals, and need to keep working...but do you get spring break soon?

 

try try try your hardest to put her aside for the moment and concentrate on yourself and your work...

 

Hey daffycat, I got 2 weeks until 20 days of break then I start Spring semester with 1 course. I just am trying my best to get through each day. But like today I can't even study, I have to always either be talking to someone or be with someone.

[daffycat]

Hey Disruptors....as of 8 hours ago, I am single...so now we are in the same boat (even though you are alittle ahead of me!)...

 

Feeling like hell too, but if it's any consolation, just keep posting when you feel bad...think I might well start a thread to support me through this!

 

The feeling of needing to be with someone will lessen, don't worry...but I can tell you right now I am feeling exactly the same!

 

chin up!

[disruptors]

Hey daffycat, Hope your doing as okay. What happened if you don't mind sharing. Yeah today I woke up again feeling so sad, depressed, lonely, confused. And i wanted to call all her friends up today and ask them how is she doing this to me! is she not hurting! is she not depressed at all!?is she not thinking of what if...we get back together! Do you think I should even ask her friends? Anyways, I can't wait to share our stories in the future of us looking back at this and just laughing and knowing it only made us stronger. Please I'm here for you just like everybody else, do not hesistate to contact me.

 

Jeff

[daffycat]

oh jeff, thanks for asking!

 

well, long story short, a relationship spanning 8 months and two countries (although not that far apart...Spain and France)... the last three weeks he distanced himself remarkably from me, but without giving any viable reason. I held on through the pain of his uncertainty...planning a move to Spain this summer, as was discussed earlier this year...

 

He arrived this morning to see me after 3 weeks of deliberating whether he felt enough about me to continue this situation...he asked for more time to think, I said no, I just can't give you that emotionally....I had already put up with a couple of months of his deliberation...

 

...so today at 2pm, we broke up. Thing is, he is still here in this city seeing his friends and family, texted me today to ask how I was...I ignored the text, so this evening at 11, when he was playing pool with mutual friends, he called me to asked me if I wanted to go out and meet up with them.

 

I just don't get it...I was willing to sort out our issues, but I just couldn't hang onto a 'maybe'...knowing that the usual 'give me time' translates quickly into 'actually, yes, I don't want to continue'...

 

Of course there were a few 'minor' issues as well...he has IMMENSE difficulty opening up and dismantling his emotional walls....his sister called me today to express her disgust at his actions, and to tell me that this is usual...he gets so close to someone and then gets 'the fear'...

 

I am not one who has to think about whether I want to be with someone or not, and it hurt me to hear that from someone who said that they love me...

 

Yet why text and call me the same day that we break up? It is clear that he wants to feel better about himself and his (our) decision, but I can't help thinking that even his phone call was about himself...he had no idea about how it might affect me.

 

Sadly, it is over between us, regardless that I wanted it to work....but surely he should realise that I need a little time to myself to heal, and that I won't, now, just come running when he calls.

 

The whole scenario leaves me a little shaken, and I wish more people realised that if someone doesn't reply to a text, an email or an IM, they probably need a little time to get over things.

 

So, am doing OK...yes of course it's sad that this relationship ended..but the more he tries to contact me, especially so soon after the event, the more I want to distance myself from the situation.

 

I don't want him to set me some 'bait'...I want him to contact me only if he wants to discuss the situation that we now find ourselves in.

 

Sadly Olivier cannot feel so deeply emotionally, which is where all of our problems stemmed from, from the beginning.

 

Am doing OK, just preparing myself for the cyclic pain that follows a break up, and just wishing he would stop using contacting me as a method for making himself feel better...

 

But thanks Jeff, it warms my heart that I can post my problems here and people take notice of me!

 

xx

[daffycat]

Oh yes, and Jeff, of course we will both be laughing about our respective situations in good time, and wondering why on earth we put so much energy into hurting so much, and asking so many rhetorical questions!

 

But yes, for now, we both need to take care of ourselves and take it easy...life deals some hard knocks sometimes, but perhaps in the grand scheme of things, a break up ain't that bad? Just a thought!

 

Take care and hope you relaxed this weekend! xx