Ex is pregnant...what do I do?

[piker]

My gf/fiance of 5 months, who is 3 months pregnant with our child, left me about 3 weeks ago saying that I had said too many hurtful things to her (which I probably did...although not intentionally). For the first week after the break up she maintained limited contact with me and then for the next week I made all the contact...I told her that I still loved her and that we had a lot at stake with a baby on the way (we also each have a young child of our own from previous relationships and they became very attached to us and each other) but I did not beg for her to come back..a couple of the times we talked after the break up went badly and she does not seem interested in speaking to me now...although she has never asked me to "cut contact" altogether. I have not attempted to contact her in a week and she has not contacted me. My impression is that she is "over" me and seems to be going on happily with life as usual. My question is how much contact is appropriate to check on the status of the pregnancy and her daughter, whom I love very much (my ex still refers to me as "dad" when talking to her) without being overbearing? I am not completely over the break up yet...but I also want to be involved with the pregnancy regardless of the relationship status and don't feel comfortable with total NC...Thanks in advance for any advice.

[kadvati79]

This is way out of my league, but I'm an opinionated SOB so I'll give it a stab anyway.

 

I would imagine, as a young mother and pregnant woman, that what i find most attractive in a guy is his ability to be responsible, mature, controlled, and provide for my family. Are you doing these things dude? Stop loving her and your future kids in just words, and make sure you are loving her in actions.

 

I poured my heart out to my ex two days after we broke up, flew to his city, did that whole thing. But since then I NEVER speak of my love. He KNOWS i love him, now its time to PROVE it. So I do. I give him the space, and I do things that matter in ways that provide no benefit to me or aren't orchestrated to get us back. In the end, I am prepared to let him go forever if that is what makes him happy.

 

I think this is a case of proving something about yourself to her. Man, I bet she has agonised over this for a long time. If I was a woman/pregnant (ok giggle at that one), I would want the biological father to be bringing up the baby. it sounds like you are good with kids too. There are SO many good starting points there for you to work on proving to her that you love her, and that you can be together.

 

You need to be there for her, and the baby, and then she may see that and want to see how things go. I guess there are no guarentees tho, and because the baby is coming, you're right - NC really isn't going to work.

 

But perhaps if you focus on the kids, and take the focus away from you "getting her back" - she will see that as a very selfless act and I think it will really mean something.

[redhook]

WOW! I am in the same position almost exactly. My baby is due on Saturday and we have not spoken in like 3 months. We to both have small children and her son calls me daddy. It is a crazy situation to be in. I don't have much time now but will post later. I have to get my daughter off to school.

[piker]

Redhook - I am anxious to read your reply - there's a little more to this "story"...my ex has also talked about having second thoughts about having this baby - I am not going to give a position on abortion - but I do not feel comfortable with "aborting" a child of my own...I don't think she is either...but it worries me nonetheless and makes me want to break NC even more when I think about it...because I'm not sure what to make of it. As I said I am a single father now and have raised my son completely on my own since he was one...he is now six (his mother, to whom I was also engaged, passed away unexpectedly 5 years ago). After she passed away, I didn't think I would find love again, I have been very protective of myself and my son and in the case of my recent ex I finally "let go" of the past and opened our lives to someone only to have my heart broken...anyway as I said my son became very attached to her and was proud to finally have a "mom" (although I make it clear to him that he has a mother in "heaven" that loves him very much)...he is very confused about the break up and it is killing me...I probably should never have let him get attached...anyway, she says she will always love him and is still "here" for him but does not contact "us"...any more advice as to the frequency and type of contact I should have with my ex would be appreciated...as you have probably guessed I do still want her back in our lives....although she seems "done" at this point.

[piker]

Thanks icemotoboy...I completely agree with the last statement in your post.

[piker]

My ex called me 2 days ago to inform me she had a miscarriage...she was very nice and seemed to be handling it well...saying everything happens for a reason...I'm guessing she was trying to be strong in front of me and is hurting...she (my ex blames) her own stress for the miscarriage...her mother blames me...I realize it is unlikely that stress was even the cause...but it still hurts and a part of me wonders if it was stress...anyway after she called we exchanged the last of the things we had at each others house and we wished each other the best in the future...it was friendly...she gave my son a hug and got a little teary eyed and said she would pick him up this summer to visit and we agreed to "cut all contact" for a while...I am having a hard time with this and want to be there for her through this but she clearly doesn't want/need me to "be there". I still miss her and want her to be in our life...but this is likely a permanent "deal breaker"...is there any hope at this point or does anyone have any advice?

[piker]

I know my situation is complicated but any advice would be appreciated. Since my last post (4/9) I have not contacted my ex and had "heard" that she wanted to cut ALL ties with me. Well, I returned home late this evening and she had left a message wishing my son and myself a happy Easter. I know she still cares for my son (I still care for her daughter as well but thought it was best that I did not attempt to contact her) but I did not expect her to call. I would like to find out how her daughter is doing and, although the last time we spoke she seemed fine, with all that has happened (miscarriage etc) I am concerned about my ex...however, I do still have strong feelings for her...should I contact her or stick with NC? Thanks in advance for any advice