dass Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 hi all, seeking advice and ended up here, me and a certain female have over the last month or so become really close, have known her for around 15 years and had a few moments all them years ago with her but that was it and we became really good friends, have talked and seen her pretty much ever since even through we've both been in dozens of relationships. i've always had feelings for her and now recently found out she has for me, problem is she's in a long term relationship living the family life and all that, but she's is proper serious that i'm the one for her and wants to end it all for me. She has made me the happiest guy around and we spend every possible minute together and i'd do anything for her, well i thought i'd do anything but she's wanting me to think of a way so she can end it to be with me so that no-one gets hurts, he doesn't know about us yet which is obviously good but he's also a friend which is bad. Anyone been in a similar situation and how did it turn out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boricua7 Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 First of all, welcome to eNotAlone! I have not been in a similar situation but I can tell you right now that there is NO WAY for her to end it with her husband (do they have kids?) and for no one to get hurt. The fact that he is a friend makes it worse (how good of friends are you anyway?). If she is sure that she wants to be with you than she needs to stop decieving her husband and start being honest with herself and everyone else. She also needs to grow up and realize that there are consequences to her actions. She should not be putting it on you to break the news to him. She's the one who cheated, she's the one who needs to walk into the lions den and face the lions. This does not mean that she has to do it alone (yes, it takes two to tango), but it is quite selfish and cowardly of her to expect you to do it. You are not the one being unfaithful to someone you are committed to so it is not your responsibility to tell this man what is going on behind his back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dass Posted April 5, 2006 Author Share Posted April 5, 2006 no she doesn't want me to tell him she just wants me to create some master plan where everyone can be happy, they not married but do have kids and to be fair there relationship not the strongest anyway but i don't wanna be that home wrecker if you know where i'm coming from! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobo85 Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Also the longer she puts off telling him, the harder its going to be because she is going to be use to the life style. Also bear in mind that she is cheating on him in some way shape or form. Be careful she doesnt do it to you. I mean look at your perfect girl here...she's married with children....and she is still having an affair with you. Is this a kind of girl you want in your life? Will she cheat on you? Think about your relationship now...its based on a lie. On another note....do you want to ruin a married relationship with kids? Think about the other person's feelings. The kids are gonna be crushed and so is that other guy. I would step aside and let the women deal with her relationship and do what needs to be done. Then IF she is divorced....then you can move in. But in the mean time....stay distant from her. And beware....if she can cheat on her husband....she can cheat on you. PS: Breakups are often hard on everyone. There is no way to make everyone happy. Someone is gonna get hurt. Its just the way it is. The sooner she tell him the better so he can recover sooner and get on with his life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boricua7 Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Yeah I know what you mean. So how close of friends are you with her guy anyway? Oh it's not going to be easy, especially with kids being involved. Is there any reason that they are not married that you know of? I wish I could tell you of a master plan that has worked before for everyone to be happy but there just isn't. If she doesn't want to hurt him as badly as she would if she told him she was cheating on him, she could just break things off with him and wait awhile before she officially starts dating you. I can't think of anything else. Also bear in mind that she is cheating on him in some way shape or form. Be careful she doesnt do it to you....Think about your relationship now; its based on a lie....Think about the other person's feelings. The kids are gonna be crushed and so is that other guy. I would step aside and let the women deal with her relationship and do what needs to be done.... How old are the kids? Do they have a good relationship with both parents? I agree to an extend. Yes, people who cheat tend to do it more than once so please be careful. Your relationship is not based on a lie, however. Yes, she is lying to her guy but that lie does not make your relationship a false one. I'm not saying that what you are doing is right so please other eNotAloners do not attack me because you don't agree with me. I hate that. Anyway, I think that stepping away from her and letting her figure things out on her own is a good idea. I'm not saying that you should ditch her but give her some space for the time being. She needs to handle this and if she needs your help, be there for her (the last thing she needs is to feel that you are abandoning her simply because things are not easy) but by no means should you do what needs to be done for her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobo85 Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Yeah I know what you mean. So how close of friends are you with her guy anyway? Oh it's not going to be easy, especially with kids being involved. Is there any reason that they are not married that you know of? I wish I could tell you of a master plan that has worked before for everyone to be happy but there just isn't. If she doesn't want to hurt him as badly as she would if she told him she was cheating on him, she could just break things off with him and wait awhile before she officially starts dating you. I can't think of anything else. While this advice is okay in the short run, its gonna hurt the other guy MORE IF he finds out the truth later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boricua7 Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 While this advice is okay in the short run, its gonna hurt the other guy MORE IF he finds out the truth later. This is true but like I said before, there is NO WAY that he will not be hurt. You either hit him with it all at once or you can take steps. There is no good/right answer for this situation, unfortunately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dass Posted April 5, 2006 Author Share Posted April 5, 2006 yeah i know its based on a lie now but this is a first for her and myself and your right bobo she is my perfect girl! children are 3 and 8 both get on with parents and myself as see them all the time to the extent of almost uncle like status! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boricua7 Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Uncle-like status is not a good thing because that will make things weird for the kids. Man I really don't know what to tell you besides to sit down with your perfect girl and talk things out together. Take the kids into consideration and the man (like you have been) in this talk and between the two of you figure out what's best. What's best does not necissarily mean what's good. Keep that in mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dass Posted April 5, 2006 Author Share Posted April 5, 2006 yeah your right sit down and talk is the way to start, and i'm determined to be behind her all the way i've not get her yet but i'm not gunna lose her! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boricua7 Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Good! That's all you can do. Right now she is worried. She is taking a big risk in leaving this man for you so the last thing she needs is to doubt your feelings for her. Like I said before, sit down and talk and work things out together. You're going to have to do this a lot in a relationship so why not start now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momene Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 I have been in that situation but I've been the husband. "Nothing was going on" apparently. I had my suspicions but dismissed them as I trusted my wife. First I was ditched and I found out the real truth a lot later. Took me 2 years to get over. Years later I can see it from your side as well. Is there really a "right way" or solution to the problem? My own view is that you should follow your heart but not at any cost and not without due regard to who will get hurt. I think the kids should come first in all this. As someone who's in a less than perfect marriage (but not actaully "bad" per se), one of the main reasons I stay is our daughter. I have been attracted to other girls, in one case very strongly but never followed it up and never thought, for one minute, about leaving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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