I am Co-Dependent I think

[VeganBohemian]

I was in Barnes and Noble and I was looking through a bunch of self-help books and was trying to find one that matched my problems pretty on point. I have had a multitude of issues...OCD, anxiety, loss of self control, binge eating disorder...some other things. Anyway, I feel as though every time I conquer one issue, another one pops up. It is like having a zit that keeps popping up in a different places every time I finally get rid of it.

 

I believe I have love addiction and codependency issues as of now. I would not admit it before. But, after reading the books and having the description match me to a T, I can no longer tuck this problem away. I knew for a while that I would flip out irrationally and cause myself mental anquish over my relationship when I don't need to. I knew it was not normal for me to take sleeping pills and miss class and do other things just because my boyfriend said he has to do homework and couldn't hang out or because the romance has lessened and he does not email me 3 times a day like he did at first. I think about him 24/7 and I cannot stop. I feel out of control, lost, confused, lonely, and weird. I went to his apartment complex last night at like 11 pm just to feel near him although I stayed in my car.

 

I base my entire happiness on whether not I can maintain this relationship and if I cannot it is because I am not good enough. I am trying SO hard not to let him know I feel this way. I never call him or anything or put demands on him and I try my best not to pressure him or know I am insecure. I let him have full control over our relationship and I give up a lot. My mind is always consumed with replays of what I should or should not have done or said. Instead of becoming more relaxed, I am becoming more and more anxious. I want to know the future now and I constantly imagine him breaking up with me.

 

The other night I wasted a lot of money on gas and cried and drove around for like 2 hours. Only because my boyfriend did not come online to talk to me. He never calls me, but that is because I never mentioned that I would like him to. I never call him because I am too afraid. He hasn't given me much reason to feel this way and he tells me every day that he loves me.

 

I feel as though if I don't change my way of thinking for real and stop my self-destructive behavior that I am going to have a very sucky life ahead of me and sabotage relationships with potential life partners. Which book would be the best one to purchase? Has anyone overcome this?

[Cyberchick]

Hi Vegan... I am struggling with ocd as well, relationship ocd. My ocd has more to do with me always doubting whether or not my relationship is good enough. A great book that helps with ocd is Brain Lock by Dr. Schwartz. The OCD Workbook and Stop Obsessing is supposed to be good too. Also there are a couple of online ocd support communities, link removed and link removed People on their deal with all kinds of ocd related issues and their are great tips on how to deal with anxiety.

 

I know what it's like to go from one obsession to another. I really hope these resources can help you. Take care.

[Celadon]

Hi VB. I'd also suggest "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. That was, like, the original book that explore codependence. You might also Google "codependence" and see what articles are on the Web.

 

I think it's good you recognize these behaviors are harming you, because now you can do something about them and start to live a healthy and happier life.

 

What you describe sounds like what happens when we put our self-esteem onto someone else. Meaning, we feel like we have no worth except for when other people GIVE us worth (by chatting with us online or spending time with us or approving of what we do).

 

I remember with my last bf, I'd check e-mail constantly throughout the day to see if he replied. It sort of felt like I was held hostage to be honest! Not good.

 

It's taken me some time to feel good about myself, but I encourage you to take the time to do things YOU enjoy doing. Just by yourself and for yourself. Take walks. Read books. Paint your nails. Listen to music you like Try not to think about "what would so-and-so think of this?" Just enjoy what you're doing and think about how YOU like it.

 

You can do it. Good luck!

[scarew]

I dont know of any books sweetie, but I will just tell you that I completely agree with k8tie. Find things that you like to do. When your bf is not online talking to you or you are waiting for his call, you have a choice. You can jump in your car and drive around for two hours and cry, or you can do something you like....and still cry if you need to. Self sabatoge is a vicious cycle. It only makes you feel more codependent and desperate by driving around. If you were to curl up with your favorite chickflick and a tub of iced cream it would still be better for your self esteem than driving around.

 

I am only saying this because I have done the same thing before (driving around). My car has often been used as an escape. Also when you drove to his appt the other day and sat in the parking lot it can't make you feel good about yourself in the long run.

 

If he loves you, he would have probably been happy for you to drop by unexpectadly once in a while to say hi and cuddle him.

 

It's all about being in control in your own mind. If you went to visit him with an insecure, timid attitude, he would feel uncomfortable. But if you came over with confidence (even if its fake confidence) and said "Hey. I missed ya so I thought I would drop by with a board game or something. U busy?"

 

Sorry for not really responding to your book question, your post just spoke to me because I have felt the way you do before

[VeganBohemian]

Hey all! I have been doing a lot better with this. I stopped driving around because of him. He hung out with me like every night last week. This week I know I have 3 papers to write...so I will tell him so and not worry about hanging out with him. If he is busy on Friday, oh well.

 

When I didn't email him, he emailed me twice. I was afraid he wouldn't and then I would feel all alone, but he did. He also asked me to stay at his house for a whole week after the semester ends. YAY! He does want to see me!

 

And I decided that even if things don't work out...or if he gets too busy at times and doesn't act so attentive...I will calm down and realize that I am an entity apart from him and I do not NEED him. I want him...and that's all. But, I do not need him to complete me.

 

I will try to say these things to myself from now on when I get anxious or afraid.

[Celadon]

Good to hear that, VB! Sounds like you're balancing things out much better now. Thanks for letting us know.

[VeganBohemian]

Let me just say I am trying to get better, but it is hard to put it into practice! I am really having a hard time with this. * * * is my issue?

[Celadon]

The problem? Usually our habits, which have been with us for YEARS. It's hard to change. I heard some statistic that said that it takes 21 repetitions for something to become a habit. Like, going to the gym 21 times before it becomes something you're used to and maybe even look forward to.

 

So if you're used to reaching for the phone to call your bf everytime you feel lonely, you'll have to choose NOT to 21 times before it starts being more natural. I'm not saying that to discourage you, just to say it'll take some time, so be patient. As much as I would love to, I can't just change my habits overnight either!

 

Sometimes, too, we can "get it" intellectually, but it takes awhile for us to believe it in our hearts. Hang in there, VB!

[VeganBohemian]

I never call my boyfriend. LOL. But, I do understand what you are saying. I am going to try to go 21 days without anxiety over small issues.

[Diggitydave]

This is going to be hard to do but try saying this to yourself every day.

 

"I may feel codependent now but I know I am an individual and I AM getting through this".

 

This will at least start the thought process that you are going to get through what you are going through.