Really Like him

[sparx]

I went on a date this weekend, and I really like the guy. I don't want to scare him off by being too pushy, as I think i can be sometimes. I'm trying not to call him too much, and let him do some pursuing. Well, I would very much like to hear from him, and see him again. How long should it take for him to contact me if we went out on saturday? It is monday today, should i call him if i dont hear from him? or is this being too pushy?

[annie24]

I don't think that calling him should scare him. It's not like you're locking him in your dungeon. Now THAT'S scary!!!

 

I don't know.... I've found that if a guy's really interested, they'll call the same night as the date, or the next day to say that they had a good time. Maybe he is trying to play it cool and is waiting a few days. If I'm on the fence about a guy, and he doesn't call me within 2 days, it's over.

 

But, if I like him....

 

I don't know.... how about sending him a quick e-mail saying hi? If I were you, I wouldn't ask him out, just call to say hi and see how things are going. As opposed to asking him out, I'd just say, "hey - I'm glad we went there for dinner! That dessert was incredible!"

 

Well, that's just me.

 

good luck

[Batya33]

For many men, a woman who pursues - even by e-mail - can turn budding interest into no interest or even be a turn-off. I follow the general guidelines that the guy should do the majority of the pursuing in the very beginning - i.e. at least the first 4-6 dates (that is if you're going out about once a week or so for the first month which I think is a good pace if you want to get to know someone over time and you want a long term relationship) - once it is "understood" that you are seeing each other every weekend and are pretty much steady it is fine for the woman to do closer to half of the calling but still let the man do most of the planning (but no - not all of the paying - at some point after the first 4 dates or so the woman should offer to pay and should treat for things like movie tickets, theater, etc or dinner).

 

In my 24 years of dating and knowing a lot of people I know of no happy healthy long term relationships or marriages where the woman did most of the pursuing in the beginning. Do you? so - yes wait for him to call - it is hard but just distract yourself and remember that emails and texting are no different from calling - they are all "pursuing."

 

Is this old fashioned/traditional - absolutely - is it fair? Probably not. If you want to be the trail blazer who tries to change things, be my guest but be prepared to make life harder than it needs to be if you are looking for a happy healthy long term relationship with a man who is not entirely passive or hopelessly - and unhealthily - shy.

[zpivat]

It depends on the couple though....

I personally don't mind to be pursued by a woman.....

And I equally pursue anyway....

It's nice to be flexible!

[annie24]

yeah, I think a lot of men would enjoy getting called more often by women.... but would it lead to a long-lasting relationship???? Well, I don't know....

 

To me, it seems like the problem isn't to call or not to call, but you shouldn't get too fixated early on on any man. You don't really know him that well. You just went out once. It takes several months before someone starts showing their true colors.

 

Don't be swept off your feet too quickly by him. If you feel like it, call him. If you call him, don't have any expectations of any kind at all. Keep dating other men.

 

I know of a very happy couple that has been together long-term and they did equal amounts of persuing. And then I know others who say that if their wife hadn't been so hard to get in the beginning, they would have lost interest.

 

So... I don't know what to tell you. I don't think it matters either way if you call or you don't, but don't decide too early on that HE'S THE ONE! Because that's when you're going to start driving yourself crazy when he's not calling and you want him too.

 

Understand what I'm getting at?

[Batya33]

To follow up on my previous post I think men like and are flattered by being called and pursued but more than likely (with some exceptions) the women that do that are not the women with whom they end up in a long term relationship.

[annie24]

hmm.... yes, I know. This is all sounding very much like "The Rules." LOL

 

A good friend of mine called and asked out a guy she knew. And they've been together for several years and are crazy about each other. But, when she called to ask him out, he said, "That's funny - I was just about to call you just as soon as this show on TV was over." So, I guess she just beat him to the punch

 

But, even though she asked him out, she wasn't too interested in him as a potential romantic partner. I got the impression that she was more asking him out because she was bored and wanted to go to a new bar in town with someone.

 

What I'm trying to say is that there are ways to call a guy and ask him out without being very "pursuing."

[Batya33]

Ahh yes - as I said in both my posts of course there are exceptions - I just do not know of too many. If the guy is going to call anyway then there is little harm done by calling first- or maybe no harm done. However, why take that risk - if you have a busy fulfilling life you can find ways to distract yourself while "not waiting" for the possibility of a call. As far as "the rules" yes I read the Rules but started following those general guidelines I described in my post about 12 years before the Rules were written. For me they've been very successful for one simple reason - at age 39, single, I am not cynical about men or relationships. Since I have rarely pursued men, the men with whom I've been involved have all treated me with respect and like a lady. On the other hand I know of many examples of women who pursue men, even sleep with them just to try to "keep them interested" and then refer to them as "jerks" just because the men are not interested (and never were) in a relationship.

 

I think it is a great idea to pursue a man if you as the woman are willing to be the main pursuer throughout the relationship including a proposal if it comes to that. If the thought of that is at all uncomfortable (it would be for me) then I don't advise it.