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Turns out she's not really my friend


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I consider myself to be a great friend. I'm always there for all of my friends, especially for a certain one in particular. When she needs someone to lean on I'm there. She knows that she can always count on me even when she can't with others. If she's down, I even take the time to listen to her even when I have something to do.

 

Today my friend really hurt my feelings. I told her something kind of personal because I needed to vent. I wasn't crying, but it was obvious that I was a little shaken. She gave me her undivided attention for like 30 seconds, but as soon as we turned the corner and she saw one of her friends waiting for her she kept walking and basically told me good-bye.

 

She didn't ask how I'm doing, she didn't express concern for me, didn't express sympathy. She just said something along the lines of "that's the way life is". I think I already know that! The funny thing is she sees this other friend of hers quite often and they were just hangin out as usual. I know if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have atleast told my friend who was waiting on me to just hold on for a few minutes while I continued my conversation with her. Or I would have just expressed my concern for her and told her we can pick up the conversation another time because someone is waiting on me.

 

I am so sick of being there for people who can't be there for me. I spend most of the time listening to other people's problems (especially hers) and talking about them. I'm not usually the type who opens up completely about personal things because I often regret it. This is one of those cases. She's a good person and I care about her a immensly, but I just realised that she's not a true friend. I think that I'm going to distance myself from her. It's just unfortunate because I really valued the friendship. The one time out I needed her, she wasn't there.

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Unfortunately you've run into the same sort of people I've run into. The trick is that the problem is with us and not them. See I'm a giver like you are. And I get confused by thinking that when I'm giving to someone that it is the basis for a friendship even if it isn't reciprocated.

 

It is hard to break that perception and really take an objective look at a friendship. Do you get from it what you put into it? Or are you the one putting in 99%? Will your friend really be there for you when you need him or her? Or have you convinced yourself that they will simply because it is what you would do?

 

I suggest you drop this "friend" out of your life. She only drains your energy and it is obvious she does not value the friendship as much as you do. That is setting up some expectations on your part that she isn't going to be able to live up to. If you can reset those expectations that this person is a casual acquaintance rather than a close friend then you can maybe salvage something. But if not you might want to save yourself the disappointment.

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BUt how do you know when its you thats doing all the work, or not. Because I value a friend really highly, but i dont know if its my imagination that he feels the same, or hes just quieter by nature, or he doesn't give a damn....

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Well being quiet doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't enjoy the friendship and that he isn't giving... I'd judge more based on his actions. Does he go out of his way for you or is it only if things are convenient? Do you have to arrange every meeting and initiate every phone call or is it more equal? Do you feel inside that the friendship fulfills your needs? Or does it leave you feeling empty and drained?

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I usually make all the arrangements, go see him. I get on great with him, but I'm really open and friendly and huggy, but he doesn't reciprocate that, and that leaves me feeling lonely even when im with him. I've told him all this, and he says he does value our friendship, but in what he does I dont see that. I really want to be good friends with him, but I dont want to be there one making all the effort. How do I get him to care about me?

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If this is making you uncomfortable, back off and see what he does.

If he doesnt contact you first, then you were right so why waste time on a man who doesn't give a damn?

It really is that simple but takes guts to back off and let the other take control for a change.

 

Think on this... He cannot read your mind, men need more than sublte hints sometimes, they need a big kick up the backside to wake up to the fact that your NOT happy with doing all the work and usually you disappearing will give him that wake up call.

If he does like you, he WILL miss you and wonder where you are and he WILL get in touch. And if he doesn't.... waste no more time and effort and move on.

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Thank you everyone. I think I knew I needed to back off, but you guys saying that has given me the confidence I need to do that! If he ever decides to txt I'll reply, but not be overly friendly!

 

Thanks, Hk87

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Avman, thank you for that advice. That's the best advice I've heard in long time. You stated everything perfectly. I know for sure that I'm going to take a break from her. If she steps it up on her part then great. If not then oh well. Maybe we can stay acquainted. Maybe not.

 

Take care!

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