No way out, im tied up in chains!!!

[sugarandspice]

hello! *SIGH* im trapped. im tried right now cant sleep tho forgive me if this most is negative. Im not going anywhere with my life. have posted many a times, heres whats happened i'll write in bullet points. maybe just to get it out.

 

* ever since a teenger ive felt insecure. my dad left and i was bullied a lot at school. i was living a nightmare and there was no way out.

 

* have had an ed since i was 11 now 20 ( am bulimic and cant recover.)

 

* i went to uni last sept but gave up due to i wasnt bothered about doing the course. i was still bulimic at uni but lost weight

 

* at uni i had the social life id always dreamed off.

 

* i met a guy before i left and went to stay with him after xmas. we have become close and i have stayed with him a lot i would like to think of us as together and i cant imagine myself without this guy, i just want him to hold me forever, nothing seems as bad when im with him.

* ive also met a really good girl friend at uni too.

 

* ive given up uni now since xmas and i aint found a job. i havent tried much as my eating disorder and how i feel about my body gets in the way. i have had jobs in the past but got into trouble for being depressed and not being able to focus on the task. i just know a job is out of the ques right now.

 

* i really want to recover from this, i talk on the net, i talk to friends, i talk to my mum, but i just cant see a way out.

 

* i know i need to move out, but i need to get a job first, but cant as how i am. and i wouldnt know where to move to, the town nearest me i only know 1 person there. the town where i went to uni i would have friends there in term time about 1/2 away from the centre, but in holidays they wouldnt be there.

 

* at the mo i am going from home to my guy to back home. back and forth all th time. To be honest its driving me a bit MAD. at home i am decorating my old bro's room so i can have a nice room and if i didnt hAave the binge eating and bulimia then i would stay at home and try get a job, even work in the local pub where i used to. it would still annoy me tho going to my guy's a lot and i wouldnt be able to see him much if i got a ful time job. I wana be with him all the time. he's living at the same accomadation next year, so it will just be the same.

 

* i want this guy to be mine and for me to be his. i want to be with him, i stay with him a lot and i guess we are together, but i know he still has feelings for his ex ( but doesnt see her) he's still heartbroken. but i guess i just wana know he is mine. I think i have to tell him that. or do i just go along?i mean when does the guy your seeing turn into a boyfriend?!

 

* i havent chosen a course yet to do again, i havent a clue and think i cant do anything with bulimia anyway. i do wana go back to uni . and now i also have this guy i dont wana give up.

 

so i really need to sort myself out, i just feel tied up in knots. i cant do anything while in the grips of bulimia and theres nothing i can do about it...theres just no way out.

[RayKay]

There IS a way out. It is something that in some way is with you forever, but you can heal from and learn how to deal with. I have anorexia for 4-5 years, and other eating disorders for a couple years after that.

 

However, you need professional help at this point as you are so far into it....but your life IS in danger, and you need help.

 

The more you believe there is no way out, the more it controls you. The problem is you are afraid of whom you would be WITHOUT this disorder anymore. Not having it will force you to get a job, be a functioning adult, go back to school - you would have to take some risks. Right now your disease is an excuse NOT to have to do those things, not to risk failure...but sadly also not to risk success either. And of course, since you keep NOT doing things because of your disease, you fall deeper INTO the disease because it's "all you have".

 

Honey, you really have to learn to love yourself at this point, and that means going and getting professional help - including counselling and support from experts in eating disorders.