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7 months and still hurting


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Newbie here. Ex broke up with me 7 months ago by email, we never spoke face to face. We were together 2 and a half years. I bought a house in a very small village with only one store, post office, church and school. She encouraged me to buy this house and broke up with me one month after I bought it. She lives 300 meters away, right around the corner. Very surprising we have not bumped into each other and I am still very scared to. Fortunately I see the store from my house, so if her car is there I don't go. She's had a new boyfriend now for about 2 months. I still cry and miss her a lot even though I have major anger at the way she broke-up with me and encouraged me to buy this house when she knew she wanted to break up with me. I feel I have'nt had my closure, but I don't want to contact her because it will show her that I have not moved on. I'm not even sure I have the strenght to go to the store when I see her there. I'm really sad and don't know how to let go and move on, being reminded every day that she is right around the corner. I can't move because my mortgage is fixed for one year. Plus I love my house and I feel that I should not have to move because a girl dumped me. Any advice or words of comfort would be appreciated.

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I would love to live in a charming village like that. Heck, maybe it might have been a big favor on her part to get you to live there, you never know how your life could turn out there.

 

But I agree...that was an appalling way to break up with you, especially if she really knew she was going to break up with you yet encourage you to buy a house to be close to her.

 

That just seems so strange, especially after such a lengthy relationship. There were no warning signs that you detected?

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Welcome to ENA sadcomposer! Sorry you are joining us like this though...

 

You guys were together 3 years and she ended it over email without the courtesy of a face-to-face talk? She's not worth your heartache bro...

 

But I can understand why you feel you need closure. Three years is a long time to be with someone. You're in a tough spot too with the distance between you two being so close...

 

On the one hand, you could let things lie. It's been a while and she seems to be keen on keeping distance as well...

 

On the other hand, if you really feel you need to get things off your chest in order to move on, get your closure, I would take a week or so to write her a letter completely letting her have it. I've both done that before and gotten those letters myself. And who cares what she thinks about you or knows you still haven't moved on? You are doing this for you.

 

And believe it or not, 7 months removed from a 3-year relationship isn't that long. There are guys and gals on this site pining for their ex 7 months after a 1 month relationship. This one is still a little fresh and may be for her too. This new boyfriend of hers could very well be the rebound guy...

 

With that said, I'd say f-it and write the letter. Make sure you say everything you want to in it, get it off your chest, and move on properly for yourself so you don't carry baggage with you into your next relationship. Hold nothing back...

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On the other hand, if you really feel you need to get things off your chest in order to move on, get your closure, I would take a week or so to write her a letter completely letting her have it. I've both done that before and gotten those letters myself. And who cares what she thinks about you or knows you still haven't moved on? You are doing this for you

 

I would tend to agree that after three years, a letter would certainly be warranted here in this case. I know I would have sent one by now, or worse!

 

The only thing is...I've sent these kinds of letters in the past, and then gotten equally irked when I received no response. Based on her cowardly way of breaking up with you, I can't guarantee she'll at least have the character to acknowledge your letter and concede on at least some of your points.

 

That's the only thing I would just want to remind you of if you decide to write this letter. I don't suppose you responded to her email break up with any kind of letter, return email?

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Yeah, I responded by email with anger about her doing this after having encouraged me to buy this house. After that I went NC. Only a few emails here and there to exchange keys, belongings etc... So about 5 months NC now. The worst is that I still love her, still think we had a good thing going. I have to leave for the weekend now. Thanks everyone, I'll be back on monday.

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Well I've had the weekend to think it over and I'm sticking with NC. I'm pretty sure that she is still with her new guy, so what's the point of contacting her? I just have a difficult time with her being around the corner. If I do bump into her (and it will happen) I'm still not sure how to handle it. Do I put on a teasing smile or just ignore her. In one way I want to look like I could not care less, but in another I am still so full of anger that I don't even want to acknowledge her. What do all of you think? Thanks ahead of time

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Yes, stick with NC! Definitely the right thing to do.

 

My advice would be if you see her, simply say "hello" and that's it. Ignoring her might create more drama, as would anything further. I think directing your anger towards her will not get any response you might want.

 

You have reason to be angry, and it will probably take a while to get over that, but when you are feeling it maybe use that as a reminder that you deserve much better. Sometimes when I catch myself missing my ex I have to remind myself of the mistreatment I got from her to get through it, and sometimes it helps counter the hurt with the feeling I really should move on with my life and away from this person who created/creates this pain.

 

As for letters I have written MANY myself, but I don't send them. If you write one and really want to send it, I suggest always waiting a few days, re-reading it, and seeing if you still feel like sending it. I never do at that point...

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Thanks jman, I'm going to keep NC for now and I won't rush to meet her "accidently". I see the store from my house and when her car is there I don't go. I want to get to the point that I won't even think of looking for her car, and just go. Not to care anymore is my goal, but I have a feeling I'm not done for a while yet. It really pisses me off that she just goes around the village with no care in the world. Well, I don't really know that, but it seems that she is still with her new guy, so obviously she is not thinking of me. I'm just sick and tired of this sadness and anger.

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Totally understandable! I work accross the street from where my ex works (luckily only 2 of the same days a week now). I can actually SEE where she parks her car from my office window. My goal is to not even look over there anymore ... some days are better than others.

 

I think those lingering thoughts have to be the most annoying thing in the world! You know you don't want to think about them, wonder if they might be somewhere you might expect to see them, you don't want to look when you see a car like theirs if it's them, always wishing you could just flip a switch and shut off those thoughts that seem to dominate your brain.

 

Time heals for sure ... I promise you those thoughts will dwindle as time goes on ... even if it is very slowly ...

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Hey I TOTALLY understand how you feel having been treated that way myself My ex did the same thing to me...e-mailed me! Actually it will be a year this weekend since it happened. Wow! What a year it's been.

 

I related to a lot of stuff you said in your posts - lack of closure, writing, but not sending e-mails.

 

The only (fortunate) difference is that my ex dumped me from the other side of the world where he now is back living. (see earlier posts if you want more details).

 

Hindsight a year on shows me that there were "signs" I ignored because I was VERY much in love with him. I've had NC now for the best part of the whole year- other than 2 e-mails to him - one to tell him I couldn't believe what he'd done, one to tell him to stop using my house as a mailing address in this country. As a measure of the man he decided to use that as an excuse to reply and shift all the responsibility for what happened onto me! Nice hey!

 

Give yourself time - 7 months isn't long enough yet - although I think it must be hell living around the corner from her.

 

A year on the only thing that has kept me sane is knowing that I at least dealt with him in a compassionate, honest, decent and loving way. How he ended things nearly destroyed me but over time I've got back my life and I now know that I am way better off without him. I'm not in another relationship - not too sure if/when that will happen but I am enjoying being single again and reminding myself of all the things I can do for myself.

 

I do understand how you feel but believe me IT WILL GET BETTER!

 

PM me if there's anything I can do to help.

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Thanks Wimpy, you wrote:

 

"A year on the only thing that has kept me sane is knowing that I at least dealt with him in a compassionate, honest, decent and loving way. How he ended things nearly destroyed me but over time I've got back my life and I now know that I am way better off without him."

 

I feel the same way. I gave it my best shot and it's her loss. I've been doing much better the last few days. I think I'm almost ready to bump into her and not care. I'll try and be civil, but that's it. No small talk or whatever. I really would prefer never seeing her again, but I have no choice. I can live with that now, it will only make me stronger. Thanks again.

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