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No Contact - The Guide


majord23

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How To Stop Wanting A Relationship
How To Stop Wanting A Relationship
avj1111, it sounds like the problem is with her and does not necessarily have anything to do with you at all.

 

I'd definitely remain in NC and I wouldn't wait for her to 'come to' per se.

 

Part of the problem is this: suppose she calls you up and wants to hang out? Now you've just set yourself back again. And even if you two started seeing each other again she seems quite uncomitted to you - and you treated her well but sometimes that's not enough!

 

 

thanks for reading, bwhite. my friends all say that she has problems and that i should move on but i care about her and think she can be "fixed" if she realizes and participates. im going to continue nc and take it from there. as far as im concerned she has to contact me and if and when that happens ill try to find out as tactfully as possible what the intentions are. this has been very draining but as ive posted before thank goodness for this forum and the people on it. its humbling but it has helped me keep my strength and sanity. im gonna hit the sack. chat with you guys later.

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thanks for reading, bwhite. my friends all say that she has problems and that i should move on but i care about her and think she can be "fixed" if she realizes and participates. im going to continue nc and take it from there. as far as im concerned she has to contact me and if and when that happens ill try to find out as tactfully as possible what the intentions are. this has been very draining but as ive posted before thank goodness for this forum and the people on it. its humbling but it has helped me keep my strength and sanity. im gonna hit the sack. chat with you guys later.

 

question: its been months since contact with the ex since she dumped me. at work she basically ignores me unless its unavoidable that she speak to me, like if other people are around and would suspect something. after being out of contact for so long she texts to my phone "happy birthday" . i respond thanks for remembering and she responds "welcome". is there anything to this or am i just reading too much into it? im still in pain but was keeping myself busy and surviving. now basically the scab has been pulled off and i feel like im back to square one. any opinions?

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  • 5 months later...

Great Thread!!! Awesome...

Quick Question though... What if you broke up because of distance and because the other person is not ready for a long distance relationship but still wants to keep in touch? Does the NC rule also apply? We still email each other and skype twice a week. She likes talking to me and does miss me. Do you think it's better to go NC?

Thanks!

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Great post,read it through twice.

 

I am currently heading into day three of NC but i know i will probably see my ex out tomorrow night,in my local,but if she speaks i will politely say hello,and then go about my evening,with my friends,then after tomorrow night,back to NC.

 

I can,and will do this.

 

Smiffy

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  • 1 month later...

That's something I don't understand...

I've always thought, unless there is a great change in a person or in boths, when you love once, love should be able to be there again... I mean, if there was fire, there will remain some ashes, it can just blow up...

If it happens, that means, if you didn't change, than it's the other person who changes.. otherwhise I really can't understand this kind of things..

 

Also my ex has told me now, after 6 years, he doesn't love me anymore, and never will... never will be able to try anything again with me.. that's something I din't understand..

After breaking up, I searched for him, begging for a chance to at least show him I can change his feelings.. and he said 'ok we'll see'... than I panicked, searched again and he 'yeah, I'll give you a chance to proove you to myself.. but we don't need to contact that much'... after a week I panicked again, again reminded him of his promise and he said 'No I'll never give you a chance again, neither now nor never, I'll never love you again' and more blabla... how that? Is he really thinking this? Was this just a rage out of the moment because I was needy and sticky? Or were the first statements just lies to make me shut up??? He's also mature, 8 years older than me... so it's not that he's a childish guy..

 

I just don't understand if NC will make him be in some kind reasonable, or if it can help to lower his negative feelings towards me..

 

I think it's impossible for someone, who loved that much the other party, to just don't EVER again feel anything positive...

I hurt him (because of depression, was moody.. but he doesn't know it was depression, he thinks, after 6 years, that I really AM this * * * * * y )...nd I think now I lost him and neither NC nor anything can make him ever change his mind again ;(

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

Samatha I'm wondering the exact thing you are...she wanted NC, so is it just as effective? Do I have to be the one who wanted NC?

 

The break-up was today...about 9 hours ago. I'm feeling better but it comes in waves.

 

I would love any and all opinions and help.

 

Love this forum

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If the dumper wants NC, do you have any CHOICE other than to go NC anyway? If the dumper is wanting NC, then them a favour by respecting their wishes and leaving them alone. And do yourself a favour by going NC for yourself so that you can heal from someone that doesn't want anything to do with you. In that case (where the dumper asks YOU for NC), will it make the dumper miss you? I think so, it's always probable. People usually miss something only once it's gone. But you really need to focus on yourself and your healing once you've been dumped, and use NC to heal, before the dumper even has a chance to ask for NC, you do it for yourself.

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Samatha I'm wondering the exact thing you are...she wanted NC, so is it just as effective? Do I have to be the one who wanted NC?

 

The break-up was today...about 9 hours ago. I'm feeling better but it comes in waves.

 

I would love any and all opinions and help.

 

Love this forum

 

It's better not to bother the dumper if they want NC. Maybe they'll regret, maybe they won't. They'll most likely miss you.

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  • 2 weeks later...
how does one implement NC when one has kids with the other person -- there has to be contact about the kids

You just keep the conversations centered around the children, not the EX.

Don't engage much in conversation, try to act non-chalant, and don't volunteer info. about your life situation (dating, relationships) or ask the EX about their's. You don't want to "be a friend" with your EX and a shoulder for the EX to cry on.

 

Remember, staying friends helps the EX heal.

Going NC helps you to heal and move on.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...
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  • 1 month later...

Great post Major but I have a conflict of interest......

 

Just got back from living overseas for a year and a half in london. We met over there and it was perfect she's even said so herself. We are so right for each other. Unfortunately about a year into the relationship she had to move back to go to uni and we started a LDR.

 

Prob is that I messed up..I didn't skype/call her enough while we were apart..sent heaps of messages but not enough real contact. When I got back I completely screwed up again and didn't contact her for a few days. It was so stupid. I missed her so much I was falling apart but I didn't call...I dunno I know there aren't any excuses. Time difference made it tough. Maybe I was satisfied with messaging. Maybe I was jetlagged or something. She's not angry at me or anything just confused and wants to stay in contact.

 

Anyway I assume she's now concluded that I don't love her (which is so not the case believe me) even though she seemed excited to see me right up until I got home; and broke it off.

 

My conflict is that I don't think she knows how I felt and wouldn't I be repeating the same mistakes if I didn't contact her???

 

Thanks for the help

 

NC 1 day

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The general consensus around here is make contact (any form of contact) if you think you can handle the hit of not getting a response.

 

Personnelly, I won't be sending any Christmas Cards to my ex or her family.. Hell, if I had been able to return her birthday present I would have...

 

Go stone cold NC...

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Hey guys and girls !

 

Thanks again Major for the post, was good to read ! I will try to make it short but it has been almost 4 years and very special ones so not easy. First of all this is my third day of NC, and planning to do at least one month minimum.

 

I'm not really a man of sharing my private life on a forum but as this time I am kind of lost, it might be worth it .

 

So here is the pre-break up scenario:

 

I know her for almost 5 to 6 years and we have been together for almost 4. We are now both 23. We had a first break up 2 years ago, that last for almost 5 months and then we went back together. After that I spent almost 2 years abroad for study but we saw each other regularly (every month or holidays) and talked to each other every hours of the day. It was real love and all of our friends were admiring our relationship as we looked so happy and complementary.

 

Then this year I was supposed to go back where she lives so we can finally be together and share the same life everyday.

 

 

Break up scenario:

 

This summer she decided to invite me at her parent's to meet them (as they live far away I've never met them before). I spent a month there and by talking to them they really loved me and said it so to my parents as well. She even introduced me to her cousins, uncles, grandmothers ... She was so excited to do it and happy that everybody loved me, that was really nice.

 

Then I went back a week earlier than her (for professional reasons) and things started to be weird like 4 days before she flew back as well. She was not very friendly in her messages, didn't reply a lot to my messages with love feelings...

When she arrived I felt that something was wrong I talked to her and she said: "Things are different, I feel I don't love you anymore and I think it is better we stop there." She also added " I want to be alone, not single to hang out with guys, I feel I want to be alone, by myself, and think only about me"

 

After that a week passed. During this week I sent her a letter to explain that I understand what she is feeling and I will be there if she needs to talk. No answer. One day she contacted me to warn me that an important letter came for me and she can deliver to me if I want. She absolutely wanted to give it to me. So I saw her and she didn't want to discuss. Later that night she messaged me saying she needs time to think what she wants and feels.

 

We didn't have any contact for almost 2-3 weeks and one day she texted me "Could we meet, I wanna talk and you didn't answer me since last time" So we met and she told me that as the feelings didn't come back she thinks it is better to stop (even if I knew it as she told me before). But at the same time she said things controversial. Like I am the perfect man for her, and she might do a mistake. That every day she feels a big hole in her life, she misses me but she doesn't think it is love etc. Althought the hardest part to believe is that she told me that's like that. One day people wake up and change. She didn't love me anymore in almost one day according to her.

 

So I moved out all my stuff. In the week following this move out she texted me like three times. Once to tell me I forgot something, a second time the next day or the day after for another thing and a couple of days from now to thank me because she had troubles with her insurance and I resolved it for her when she was away as she just received a confirmation letter from them.

I know it may sounds justified, but with questions like "hope you are ok, how are you doing? how is work ? ..." you don't write to your ex a week after that to say that kind of things no ?

 

 

I took this as a signal and "by mistake" (even if I don't regret it as I followed my heart) sent her flowers (the perfect ones for her, from her favorite florist etc.) with a letter explaining what I think (I wasn't begging or complaining) and some pictures of us. She answered me briefly in an email saying to stop with asking myself why why and why. That it is time to move on. She was pretty straight forward and cold (she even said "I wrote this fast as I don't want it to last") and at the same time contradictory on some points (taking a decision and willing to stick to it even if you know what you lose) etc.

 

Then I started NC...

 

Friends told me she is clearly hurted and her mind is chaos right now and needs space. She is confused and still don't know what role I can play in her life. I didn't respond and think NC is good this time for both of us.

 

 

Sorry for the length of the message but the story is kind of complicated lol. I will detailed if you have questions. Thanks for your time !!

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I had a very very similar experience. Read my thread. I did not go into the pre-breakup in my thread, but the words said from my ex were very similar.

 

Let me tell you this:

 

You have to move on now. Your ex will most likely send you mixed signals, but the outcome will probably be the same.

This girl loves you, but she has lost her attraction for you. She probably went on without being attracted for a while, but the problem comes when she meets someone she is infatuated with, or feels an initial attraction.

 

She probably then questioned her love for you as she wasn't sure what was missing from your relationship and why she could have these feelings for someone else.

The problem is that she loves you, and had forgotten what it was like to fall in love with you. If she remembered that, and understood her emotions and the way relationships work (in other words loads of emotional maturity), she would work on your relationship.

 

There is probably another guy that she has butterflies for. She doesn't necessarily want to be in a relationship with him, but she is likely questioning her feelings for you because of this.

 

She needs time and space AWAY from you. You need to up your value proposition to her as well.

 

How do you do this? NC as you said. spend the time on yourself and forget about her for the time being. DO NOT WAIT for her. Move on immediately. This thing could take months or years to sort itself out, and its impossible to know which way it will sort itself out.

 

If you guys had a good connection and there was real love involved, you will possibly have a chance for something later if you go into NC now, become indifferent and let her sort herself out without you in her life.

 

Trust me, this is not the time you want to be in a relationship with her, she doesn't necessarily know what she wants from life yet. If she did, she would know what to do with you. These feelings are quite natural with long term relationships where people are young.

 

Detach from her, and let her explore life. If you let her go graciously, there is every possibility in the future. Then go NC for your own protection. I promise you, you do not want to know what she is upto so don't go on her FB etc.

 

She is probably hurting and will probably send you "I miss you messages" down the line, BUT you cannot read anything into them. Only her actions can prove to you what her intent is at this point.

 

Please stay strong. Don't hate her, and most importantly do not hate yourself because of this. I think these type of break-offs suck the most as its so easy to stay hopeful, the illusion is so real that you guys will be back, but the reality is, if there is no growth which will only happen with experience on her side, she might never be happy to accept you as her partner for life.

 

I wish you the best of luck and keep coming back to these forums, workout, start some new hobbies, meet new friends and life to the fullest. This will be your salvation.

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I did more or less what NCMaster did except I didn't send her a letter mentioning things. However what he has said above is very true. Move on, plain and simple, if she comes back, well she comes back, the time may have passed and you may decide that you don't want her back at all.

 

Just because your relationship stopped doesn't mean your life has to, you hold the key to your happiness not anyone else. It may seem all doom and gloom right now but it isn't, it's far from it, it's the opportunity to become a far better person, once you do, you'll feel amazing for it!

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