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No Contact - The Guide


majord23

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me and my ex have been seperated for almost 2 months...the reason for the seperation he says that i need to get things in my life together and that i have no ambition, we were together for a year im 22 and hes 26. he keeps saying that he doesnt want to lose or leave me but right now he cant be with me. i think he went about it the wrong way and if it is in fact that we broke up because i need to get myself together why not just say that and be there every step of the way if the shoe was on the other foot i would have told him that i love and i dont want to lose you but if we are going to be together then you need to get your ducks in a row and i support you every step of the way. im confused because ive been actively seeking work but i havent had any luck and school im not really interested in. he says that when he comes back he wants to know its for real(im guessing marriage HAHAHA) i love him and i think its hard for me to get out of this rut because im afraid of letting go its like once i get into a relationship i lose myself. this was my longest relationship as well as his. i want him back but if i get him back and i have myself together what will be the next excuse for him to leave????????? im lost and totally confused im trying the no contact and dropping off the face of the earth method and if he wants to be here he knows how to find me...

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  • 5 months later...
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For as long as you allow yourself to. Remember, the ex is now out of your life – they cannot hurt you. So if you’re still feeling pain it is coming from within you – not from them.

 

For me, this really is the heart of the message. They chose to exit your life, and in that moment, you felt pain. How much longer you "keep" them in your life, and dwell in your pain and heartbreak, is really up to you after that moment in time.

 

YOU, and only you, make the CHOICE to dwell on the hurt and pain and negativity.

 

You can make the CHOICE not to accept the hurt any longer, to accept life (even if not on your terms), and to embrace the uncertain, sometimes very scary, future.

 

For me, that was a hard, year-long, lesson learned.

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Hello all,

 

Well I am here because I am heartbroken like many of you. I am lost and I am sad. I lost someone very special in my life, and I think it is wrong that she did not want to give me a chance in the end.

 

I have decided to try this NC thing, to help myself get through this because I am falling apart.

 

My heart just wants her and I feel pathetic because she rejected me and still I want her.

 

How can someone's feelings just change overnight?

 

I posted my story in the cyber relationships thread as it was strictly an online thing but we were going to meet in 2 months finally, and now I am just left because she was 'confused'

 

I feel as we have not resolved this, like something is unfinished between us.

Anyway, it is day one for me. If you all have any advice, I would really appreciate it. I guess after all this, I really realized just how important she is, and now I will not have the chance to show her.

 

Here is my thread.

 

 

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  • 3 months later...

I came accross this thread yesterday and WOW. This one post really helped me. Mostly in terms of the suggested email you wrote.

 

My ex wrote me a few days ago saying that he couldn't explain how sorry he is for shutting me out and giving up and since then I've gone thru so many things to say to that. At first I was passive, then angry, then sad, then I just felt confused.

 

I used a lot of your mock email. It really helped me get my point accross to him. It conveys me *possibly* considering talking about where we stand which is what I wanted to get accross but also saying how if that's not the case I don't want to speak to him. AKA, we can't "just be friends".

 

THANKS SO MUCH!

 

I feel a hell of a lot better knowing I was able to convey myself and how I feel in a mature and understandable way.

 

My only fear is that my ex's new gf (who's been living with him since a week after they met/he left me/started dating) will see the text and delete it before he can read it. If that's the case then she is spiteful and knows how he feels about me and will only work to sabotage their relationship. I am by no means trying to wedge my way in and trying to steal him back, but only trying to let him know that I haven't completely closed the door and if he wants to give us a shot then he'll have to risk it all. Whether or not he does and what he thinks/regrets, etc. is not my problem anymore. The fact that I said what needed to be said is all the closure I need right now.

 

Like I said, my only fear is that she will erase it before he will get to read it. But I guess that's his problem, not mine at this point. If he loses out on trying to rekindle things with me because his gf is insecure enough in their relationship then that's the way it is I suppose. His loss.

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  • 1 month later...

Stumbled accross this great post recently when typing 'No Contact' into Google. Really really helpful only wish I'd read it before getting back in touch with ex a month or two ago

 

Can I get some people's thoughts on the following sequence of events? I'm moving on ok but I guess I still need to understand things

 

Pre Break Up

 

- Aug 07 met ex gf whilst house sharing, she owned her own house and has lived there for 10 years on her own. She is 10 years older than me. She has never lived with anyone, or in her own words never had a mutual or normal relationship

 

- May 09 After housemate in 2nd houseshare moves in with his g/f I'm left with task of filling room in short space of time. After nearly 2 successful and very nice years with gf she asks me to move into her house with her. I am reluctant as to whether this will work but agree as 'we will know for sure'. She says she doesn't see us breaking up and communication is good.

 

- Aug 09 After 3 unhappy months (no major arguments but poor communication, uncomfortable being in each other's space, physical side of things fizzling out) I decide I have to move out and into a flat owned by my parents 8 miles away to give us both space. She doesn't like this but reluctantly agrees things haven't worked out and agrees we need to take a step back in order to move forward again

 

- 25 Oct 09 After over two months of intermittant overnight stays, attempts to keep relationship going we meet and agree that we need time apart as things aren't working out. She instigates this but is very reluctant at this stage saying she doesn't want to 'split up properly'. I am more in favour of this as have been very unhappy with the are we/aren't we nature of things

 

- Following week: In the next week she goes through some tough times and texts me fairly frequently suggesting meet ups. I am not aloof, or rude, but I don't commit or agree to any meets as I am still reeling from the living together situation and guess I needed space. Looking back, it was this week that I had to save the relationship. A further week elapses of texts and one particular exhange annoys her. I agree to meet her one Friday night early November and it is then I realise she is 'shutting down' and starting to move on. By now I start to get the devastating feelings that a proper break up is happening. I arrange accommodation nearby and email her to tell her the news - she is happy for me but by now is behaving more like a friend who still cares

 

- 11 Dec I go by to pick up the rest of my things from her house. It's amicable, friendly and fairly nice. She has bought me a crate of beer for my new place, I have some gifts for her. I ask if she would like to come around for a meal one night and she's positive about this but says she wants me to settle in first

 

- 20 Dec After some more confusing contact instigated by text messages by me. I go around her house in a confused state to ask about 'us' to finally find out where we are. I notice a number of xmas cards on her kitchen top addressed to me from her family. She breaks things off saying that the damage has been done, she feels like a failure et etc. However she wants to be friends and had wanted us to go for a walk between xmas and new year and meet up from time to time. She says she has bought me an Xmas present and I had done the same. I'm pretty messed up by now!

 

Post Break Up

 

- 23 Dec I drop her key through her letterbox whilst she is at work

- 24 Dec she texts me asking if I'm ok and thanks for dropping the key. I reply politely saying I'm ok, getting there with the new flat etc, been a busy time blah blah and ask if she's set for xmas, she responds but I leave it at that

- 25 Dec She texts a 'circular' text proclaiming friends and happy xmas that probably a number of others got too. We don't exchange cards or presents and there's no walk between xmas and new year

- 31 Dec Texts happy new year, I respond with single text wishing the same

- 3 Jan 'reiterates' that she would like to meet up if I still do too in long text. I reply that it sounds like a nice enough idea but that I should give it a few weeks. She agrees

- A further few weeks I begin to think she may think I'm ignoring her so email her asking how things are, got a reply saying she was trying to get back to 'normality' and things had been chaotic and problems in her family. She wants to 'catch up'. I leave it a week then suggest a meet in a local pub one eve the following week

- Late Jan/Early Feb, on the morning of proposed meet I pull plug citing issues at work. She's ok with this and suggests doing it when things calmer

- Early March, I email again, just updating her on a few bits and pieces going on in my life, she responds politely, friendly etc, then when I respond again she emails rather large email full of some of the recent issues with her son, dad etc. She does ask some questions of me asking how things are

- I've yet to respond to this and have deleted all emails from her off my computer. This was 3 weeks ago today.

 

So there you have it! I'm aware I'm at risk here of over analysing and this is just prolonging things for me. It's been three months and I'm mainly ok so long as I keep busy but I still have moments and sometimes I wonder whether I'm doing the right thing cutting her out of my life completely, I mean, it feels savage! Plus I seem to be walking around without a huge chunk of me in a very confused state sometimes too - limping along like on autopilot in some unhappy cloud having lost something important

 

With reference to the initial 'No Contact' post I guess I began life in the 3) You don’t tell your ex anything, you stop contacting them…but still allow them to contact you and you reply. (potentially damaging) - then have followed that up with some potentially damaging further contact, although it could have been a lot worse I suppose I haven't begged or stalked I've kept well away. Since 3 weeks ago then I guess I've been on 2) You don’t tell your ex anything, and just drop off the face of the Earth. To a certain extent I've given up hope because the hope was driving me insane. She doesn't contact me anymore other than the initial 'shock texts' or 'guilt texts' or whatever they were around xmas and new year. It's strange though I did drive through the neighbourhood she lives today (on work) and it brings it all back!! Very strange

 

I guess I'd just like people's thoughts on the above, what to do (if anything) and the potential consequences of any further contact eg whether I should send a final email as in 3) You tell your ex that you won’t be contacting them and that they shouldn’t contact you. I couldn't possibly say whether she has thought about reconciliation or friends as I haven't spoken to her since xmas but I've kinda assumed she isn't interested as she doesn't contact me or even whether it's something I would consider (although it was something I wanted immediately after breaking up) I've moved on in a lot of ways but obviously still think about it otherwise I wouldn't be here!

 

Any comments welcome. Thanks for reading.

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  • 2 weeks later...
3) You don’t tell your ex anything, you stop contacting them…but still allow them to contact you and you reply. (potentially damaging)

 

Why is this?

 

yeah im curious too... does this basically mean...if they contact you and you reply it can prolong your healing process? i think if you have the will power to respond you should

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3) You don’t tell your ex anything, you stop contacting them…but still allow them to contact you and you reply. (potentially damaging)

 

Why is this?

 

By not going out of your way to contact them it protects you, gives you space and time to heal. By waiting for them to contact you first, you're limiting the damage to your progress you've made. It can still be potentially damaging because it will hinder you from moving on and can lead you to believe things that might not be true. Ex: thinking they want to get back together.

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3) You don’t tell your ex anything, you stop contacting them…but still allow them to contact you and you reply. (potentially damaging)

 

Why is this?

 

As Loxxt said, this is about protecting yourself.

Expectations are the the real 'damage doers' in NC. Rarely will you find a dumpee who sends a text (whether initiating or in response) who doesn't expect - or at least be very hopeful for - a reply.

 

When that reply doesn't come...and there will be that time when it doesn't....THAT is when the backward step comes. Most people, when initiating NC, don't have the fortitude to deal with that and will view it as a greater rejection than it actually is.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hello everyone,

 

Please add me to the list of heartbroken ones. My relationship has come to an end.

 

This forum (and in particular majord23's entries - does that stand for "Michael Jordan 23"? Thumbs up!) has helped me a lot in figuring out how to cope with the situation and work through the issues.

 

Before I found this forum I also made that mistake of sending millions of text messages to her telling her how much I miss her bla bla bla, but that really only made things worse.

 

But who says you can't teach an old dog a trick? As of now, I just survived my first whole day without hitting that "send" button. To be truly honest, it feels just like quitting smoking could turkey and I'm really not sure if I'm going to make it through another day, particularily because we continue to bump into each other on facebook (I haven't removed her from my friends list yet), but I'm definitely going to try my best.

 

Thanks to all of you for sharing your thoughts.

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Majord23...you are wonderful...I know you are busy taking your time answering anyone's post...but if possible could you read my post on how to act dignified when they are breakup and ignoring you....just wrote a letter and need advice.

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I have question about the Facebook profile. My situation is described in my thread on this forum and I'd like to know if I should remove/block her from my friendlist. I just don't feel anything against her, but I don't want to make it look like I'm playing some games or acting needy and desperate.

I just don't want to talk to her and be friends with her. For that, I feel like being cheated too much.

 

I should add that I am still able to reconcile with her if the moment comes and I don't want to throw that chance away.

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I have question about the Facebook profile. My situation is described in my thread on this forum and I'd like to know if I should remove/block her from my friendlist. I just don't feel anything against her, but I don't want to make it look like I'm playing some games or acting needy and desperate.

I just don't want to talk to her and be friends with her. For that, I feel like being cheated too much.

 

I should add that I am still able to reconcile with her if the moment comes and I don't want to throw that chance away.

 

If you're comfortable, keep her on ur fb. My ex left me for someone else and cheated on me with her an hour beforehand so I did block/delete him. Bottom line is do what's good for you and your healing process.

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  • 1 month later...
  • 1 month later...

my ex boyfriend and I dated for almost 3 years. we just broke up about a two or three weeks ago. This summer, I went to Spain for about 6 weeks and we had contact, however not as much as we should have. When I came back, we hung out for a weekend (dates, dinner, etc) and two days later he CALLED ME and said he didnt "feel the same," "feelings were gone," and they would "never come back" and that was it. Then he just cut me out. I kept calling and texting him for days and no response. I saw him the other day and he kept telling himself that hes "doing the right thing" and also claimed "I was like no other girl." He ended it with memories and how we have appreciated things weve learned from eachother. And the week before we broke up he told me we should go to europe and NYC next year.

 

We had a good relationship, didnt fight much or have big problems, we were best friends. He only opened up to me. I cant believe he just left like this without even trying, esp because things were good. His sister told me just today that he is very adamant and i shouldnt have any hope.

 

His parents might be getting a divorce and I think its hitting him hard.

 

Does NC apply to this even if someone lost feelings? His head is not clear right now and hes a mess bc of his life. He even said our relationship was good. Im the first girl he said i love you to.

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If he is refusing to have something with you for the mean time, then try NC....

 

Just dont call or text him or email him unless it's something extremely important...but nothing to do with love....You know like having to call in case he had a problem or something....Just something that any other friend of his would do...

 

He may have to clear up his mind for the time being, and if you pursue him in a stressful way, then that will only position you as a "bugging person" and no person likes that!

 

Be calm...if he loves you, he will come back! Trust me!

 

Empasize on yourself for right now! And always look at the positive side of things!

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thanks. i just dont understand how he didnt try at all to patch things up or get back into the groove of things because i was gone for almost two months. he just threw it away. hes very stubborn and usually when he makes a decision, its final. his birthday is coming up in about 10 days, but im not going to wish him. i really dont think hes gonna come back...bc this is not like him and he just snapped his fingers and basically expected me to never talk to him again. i dont understand how he is being so strong and not contacting me or replying the first two weeks i blew up his phone, not even once.

 

and when he did break up with me he not only said his feelings are gone, he said the memories dont mean the same, the kisses/hugs, he didnt miss me the same, and he couldnt even say i love u to me anymore.

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ive been reading the various posts in different areas of the forum and i have to say that it makes me feel better and gives me hope. id like some insight into my situation if someone would like to chime in. im giving a thorough and detailed account as to what happened and her history. it is long and i apologize ahead of time but i hope some of you guys can give me some perspective. i never thought an online forum would be source of strength for me but im glad i found it.

 

i was dumped by an ex gf about 2 months ago id say. im 40 and shes 31. shes been married twice and has 3 kids. we met at work while she and her second husband were separated for about 10 months. he works at the same company as well. i knew her situation and did not approach her. we were coworkers/friends for a couple of months before she started to pursue me. i was just wary of the marriage situation and the pitfalls of workplace relationships. anyhow, i gave in. not too long after she introduced me to her kids and we all got along. she moved out of the house she bought with her husband and got a townhouse. we kind of thought that after only 9-10 months of dating that it might be too soon to move in with the kids and all.

 

as far as getting along and her personality, she is attractive and has the type of personality that tends to draw guys near. smiley, laughing with almost a nieve innocence kind of thing going on. she thinks that when guys are calling or wanting to hang out its just a friend thing. its possible but they all hint around about more. i brought this to her attention and told her that if we are going to be in a serious relationship that she shouldnt be worried about attention from others. there have been a few arguements about this issue.

 

i have been very outgoing with her as far as taking care of her and trying to do things for her. my friends say that ive done too much. she had 2 surgeries after which i took care of her and her kids when her family wouldnt go out of their way to help. i moved her out of her house, just me and her. just trying to do things to make her happy and her life easy all the time.

 

her attitude to the relationship was that we were one. we went to look at property and floor plans for building a home. we went to look for furniture to furnish a home. i spent the holidays with her and her family. basically a full steam ahead committed relationship.

 

a couple of months ago i noticed the calls getting less frequent. she didnt spend the night over at my house and wanted to stay at her place by herself more. she was appearing to get more text messages and calls that were unexplained unlike before when we would always talk about everything.

 

she wanted to break up once and we did so for a few days and then she called and asked me to dinner. i went and was really uncomfortable. i told her that i didnt want to live with uncertainty. she told me we would work on things and it would be ok. a few weeks later she broke up with me again and then a few days later asked me to come over to go swimming with her and the kids. i went and asked her what was going on and she said she did not want to just quit and wanted to work it out. around this time i remembered that after a few months of dating that she said she was not good at relationships and that she likes to feel free.

 

about a week later she saw me at work and told me that she didnt want to be a girlfriend. she said we were no longer together and that she needed to focus on healing and getting herself right. she said that she had been wanting to break up with me for a while already. she said that she needed to follow gods plan and made some other references to religion. she struggles to be a religious person but that goes out the window when she loses her temper.

 

i made all the typical mistakes. i called and texted relentlessly. i went to her house and would try to talk to her at work. she cussed me out and threatened to tell management at work or call the cops if i came to her house again. i called her sister and mother and asked if they knew what was going on. the mother said to give her time and that while growing up she has always had a an aloof personality when something would bother her and comes back when shes settled. her sister said that she had committment issues. both denied that another guy was involved. i told both of them that i wasnt mad at her and would give her time.

 

i saw her for a few minutes at work after the balling out she gave me. she was walking by and i waved her over. i told her that i wasnt mad and that if she needed time it was ok. i just hoped that she would use the time to fix herself as opposed to seeing other guys.

 

a few weeks went by and i sent her a text saying that i was thinking of her and the kids, that i hoped everything was going well with everyone and that a response was not necessary. she did not respond. about 3 weeks passed and i saw her around work and she saw me. they werent situations where we could talk or really acknowledge each other but i didnt approach her like i had the habit of doing in the past.

 

about 2 weeks ago i got a call from her. i answered and heard background noise. i said hello several times and then hung up. i figured it was an accidental dialing but it has never happened since we have known each other. a week later we were at work and she passed by an area that she has no business or reason to be in but knows that is where i usually am. i saw her but played it off. a week after that she did it again and i did the same thing.

 

her first husband was on drugs and basically abandoned her and her son. her second husband was very jealous and controlling. her mother has been married 4 times with 3 divorces and widowing one guy. she also was a young mother who was inattentive and never there.

 

well, for the last 4 weeks i would say i have been no contact. just business if i run into her at work. not rude but positive and not drawn out, like another co worker that you dont know well type of thing. i have been on the roller coaster of emotions. ive lost 15 pounds. i have no motivation for anything. im functioning and no one knows anything except for a couple of trusted friends but everything is empty now. thank goodness for the forum. i know what i have to do and will put up a good act when dealing with her but inside im dead. i know that she dumped me and i feel that she has to make the first move. if she contacts me i will respond respectfully but after a little chit chat i am going to have to know her intentions. ive thought of trying to figure ways to manipulate the situation but then it wont be her truly coming back. i wish i knew it was meant to be so i wouldnt have to worry so much.

 

thanks for being patient and reading this. i guess what i want to know is what makes this girl tick and will she ever come back . what made her do what she did and how can i help her not do it again. i just want her the kids and i to be a happy family. thanks to you all.

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NC is so hard when you feel you're addicted and obsessed with someone. Would you treat that like you would an addiction to alcohol or drugs. Anyone got a 12 step program for me?

 

 

Okay it's ironic you say this because I am in NA with 7 months clean - throughout the break up and all. I now view my ex as I view drugs... Any contact with her is a relapse.

 

If I can kick a two year opiate addiction I can kick needing her affection! Plus she's been drinking heavily and dabbling with narcotics so it's much easier phasing her out of my life.

 

I'm day 3 NC and before I did it I told her I cared about her and asked what I could do to make things right. Before this she said she needed 'space' as we had been dating for a month after being BU for two months. I simply told her I won't contact her for a month but if she wants to talk I won't ignore her.

 

If I hear from her at this point I'm torn as to respond or not but if I don't hear from her in a few weeks, Sianora.

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avj1111, it sounds like the problem is with her and does not necessarily have anything to do with you at all.

 

I'd definitely remain in NC and I wouldn't wait for her to 'come to' per se.

 

Part of the problem is this: suppose she calls you up and wants to hang out? Now you've just set yourself back again. And even if you two started seeing each other again she seems quite uncomitted to you - and you treated her well but sometimes that's not enough!

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