sbrew21 Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months and things started to get a little more serious. Last Saturday is the last time I saw him and Sunday I wanted him to spend Super Bowl with me. Well he didn't come and I got upset and briefly told him I was upset but he never called back or responded to it. I decided that he probably needs some space so for the last week I have not called him and have been extremely upset about not having contact with him. Well after 6 days of no contact I called him to find out what was going on and he told me that things were getting too serious and that's not what he wanted. This stung a lot but I agreed with him (sort of) and kept my cool, didn't cry (which was very strong on my part) and just let him tell me what was up. I asked him if he wanted to break up with me and he said he didn't know. I actually asked him many different ways if we were over, if I should get my keys back, No more relationship, etc.. and each time he said he didn't know. I just said OK but I am confused and I can't wait around for you and you need to do whats best for you. Anyway, its a whole long convo, but he said he was going to call me this afternoon. We are most likely going to meet up to talk about this just b/c I need to get my keys back from him anyway. I hope you guys can give me some advice on what I can say or not say or do to leave a lasting impression. I know there isn't anything I can say that's going to "convince" him to stay with me so I am not going to force anything on him but when/if he does completely decide its really over I want him to still think about me. I am going to look nice and be very strong today even though its going to hurt. If you have any insight please advise. Thanks a bunch. Link to comment
LiquidCherry Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 To me your boyfriend seems like he is acting cowardly. I think it is very unfair the way he blew you off without any explanation. I read once that most relationships end between the first 3 and 7 months which is hard if you're the one that doesn't want to end things becuase that's long enough to develop some real feelings for someone. If I were you I'd say to him that it seems like he needs some space, ask for your keys back, and give him nothing but space. Link to comment
sbrew21 Posted February 11, 2006 Author Share Posted February 11, 2006 Yea, giving him space this past week was incredibly hard for me and even though he didn't ask for it I knew he needed it. I did tell him that I loved him(a couple of weeks ago) and he admitted to me last night that it freaked him out and I just said that I understood. He also said that before me he was in a serious relationship and didnt want to get involved with someone right after but he ended up with me anyway. I asked what he was so scared of and he said he didn't like the guy he becomes when he is serious. (what is that? but whatever, I don't expect things to change) I am extremely sad but still feeling strong and understanding. After talking to him today I really want him to miss me. I know I will have to do NC and its going to be hard. Also when he said he would call me today I told him I would rather just speak in person but I don't know if he will or not. (I do need my keys back) so we could kill two birds with one stone. Link to comment
sbrew21 Posted February 11, 2006 Author Share Posted February 11, 2006 I really really rather meet in person so if you know any clever ways of getting him to meet with me that would be great too. Link to comment
NJRon Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 I agree with LiquidCherry, the guy is being really cowardly. Instead of just not calling you after going out for 7 months, he should be discussing what he wants with you. He says he doesn't like the type of person he is when he is serious, I would avoid him when he's *not* serious too, if that's the case. To make the best impression possible act entirely non-chalant. Apathetic about the whole thing like you don't care one way or the other. Meet in a public place for, say, coffe. Don't talk about the relationship at all, just make small talk. Make it short and then just say, "Thanks for the keys, I have to get going now. Take Care." and go without looking back. Link to comment
sbrew21 Posted February 11, 2006 Author Share Posted February 11, 2006 Well he wants to talk to me about the relationship so I don't think I can avoid talking about it. And I want to act extremely indifferent and non emotional. I really really don't want us to break up but I am leaving it in his court I just really hope he realizes what he is losing and will come back even though I know I need to focus on moving on. I don't know. I just wonder if there are any key things I can say that will really make him think about it. I did ask "so you don't want to be in a relationship with me" trying to get a cut throat yes or no answer. He said "its not that I don't want to be with you, just that we are on different levels." I just said Ok. Argggggg, I am pretty nervous. Link to comment
sbrew21 Posted February 11, 2006 Author Share Posted February 11, 2006 I was also thinking this...... I know he really does care about me and he is scared of taking it to the next level but also scared of losing me so maybe i could say this... "just because we aren't going to take it to the next level doesn't mean we have to end our relationship" I know writing that down and trying to be hardcore that probably sounds needy but I will also say I am not saying it to influence his decision because I know he is really torn on what he wants to do too. I don't know, I just told my mom that and she thought it was a good idea. I guess I will have to feel it out. Link to comment
Itsok Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 If what you want is a stable, commited relationship this is not the man for you. He is too afraid to commit, and freaked when you said you love him after 6 months...by this time most couples are so loving to one another, and don't need a lot of space! The fact that he didn't contact you at all during that week is a sign that you aren't as valued as you should be in my opinion. Unless this relationship has been all sunshine and roses up to now, I would break it off and save yourself the heartache down the road. He doesn't sound very caring. Link to comment
TiredMan Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 Why did you want to spend the Super Bowl with him? THis is usually a day for a guy and his guy friends. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 Why did you want to spend the Super Bowl with him? THis is usually a day for a guy and his guy friends. good point. sbrew - you remind me of myself last year. I've read a lot of your posts, and it seems to me that you and your man have a communication problem. For instance: I really really rather meet in person so if you know any clever ways of getting him to meet with me that would be great too. How about just calling him and saying, "you know, we've been seeing each other for 7 months. I'd rather have this conversation face to face." I think that would do the trick. I think that you should just be open and honest with your feelings. Tell him how you feel. Take for example, the superbowl. How did that conversation go? You called him and said, "Come over to my place on sunday." And he said, "No, I'm going over to my buddy's house." Well, like TiredMan said, superbowl is the one day of the year you give your man a break. So, I don't know.... just talk to him! Tell him what's on your mind. I get the sense that you've been holding back a lot. Link to comment
sbrew21 Posted February 11, 2006 Author Share Posted February 11, 2006 I think I am just going to be either be with me or don't and that's it. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 Honey - what are all your feelings about the relationship and him? Use a lot of "I" statements. Link to comment
sbrew21 Posted February 11, 2006 Author Share Posted February 11, 2006 you know i am not going to be weak about it. Superbowl - which is besides the point, we were invited to a party that he said he would go to me with and ended up staying home instead..but anyway...if he doesn't know if he wants to be with me then I don't want to be with a guy who isn't sure. I don't want to be in the grey area and it always goes back to that. So....when he calls (if he decides to meet up then we will, it doesn't matter to me anymore) I am just going to say yes or no. You either want to be with someone or you don't. So that way I know for sure because this I don't know stuff isn't good for me and I don't want to wait around for him. 7 months is long enough to know if you want to be with someone or not. Link to comment
shebop Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 Sbrew21...i agree with you...its true he should have some idea of whether he wants to be with you (at least in a relationship) after 7 months. I agree with what others have posted.. communicate with him, be straight out with him and if he can't handle that well you have saved yourself a lot of time and heartache.. good luck! Link to comment
sbrew21 Posted February 12, 2006 Author Share Posted February 12, 2006 well he broke up with me. I am completely heartbroken and it was through the phone. I don't know what to do to get over it. I am so lost and hurt right now. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 oh no!!! what happened? Link to comment
sbrew21 Posted February 12, 2006 Author Share Posted February 12, 2006 he said that there was something holding him back in committing fully to the relationship and he has to follow his gut............Ouch! Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 SBrew..I just got the book 'It'sCalled a Breakup Because It's Broken"...it is a good read. When you're feeling up to it, I would highly suggest it for you. Lots of sound advice in there. In the meantime I really hope you feel better...this will be a bumpy road but you WILL get through it. Best of luck.... Link to comment
sbrew21 Posted February 12, 2006 Author Share Posted February 12, 2006 and he is coming by to drop off my keys for me in the next hour so I really need to calm down Link to comment
sbrew21 Posted February 12, 2006 Author Share Posted February 12, 2006 SBrew..I just got the book 'It'sCalled a Breakup Because It's Broken"...it is a good read. When you're feeling up to it, I would highly suggest it for you. Lots of sound advice in there. In the meantime I really hope you feel better...this will be a bumpy road but you WILL get through it. Best of luck.... a good friend of mine told me to read that today. I will go and get it. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 well, now that it's official, being cool is the best thing you can do. I think you two have had a lot of communication problems for a while. And that book seems good. I flipped through it once. seems like a good read. take care. it will be ok. Link to comment
sbrew21 Posted February 12, 2006 Author Share Posted February 12, 2006 this is really rough, i really didn't want to break up Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 SBrew...one suggestion in this book is to have NO CONTACT whatsoever with your ex for 60 days. They call it "HeTox"..LOL.... Hang in there.... Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 I know... I know.... Did he give you any specific reasons? You know, I was cleaning out my e-mail a few days ago. I came accross some e-mails I wrote to some friends about problems I was having with the guy who brought me to eNotalone last year. My friends kept encouraging me just to call him talk to him about the problems. But, me and the guy had so many communication problems. I never felt like I could just call him up and talk. I always felt this "wall" between us. He wound up breaking up with me. I wasn't happy with it, but I knew he wasn't the one for me. I'm now dating a far better man. I can talk to him about anything. If I am upset about something, I just talk to him about it, and we settle things before stuff gets weird. He's very communicative and response. Unlike any man I've ever met. I don't feel a "wall" between us. It's wonderful. I think there's a better man out there waiting for you. This breakup is a blessing in disguise. Link to comment
sbrew21 Posted February 12, 2006 Author Share Posted February 12, 2006 I know, but i am just so sad and he lives in the apts accross the street. it makes it so hard. Link to comment
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