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I am a forty something guy ( in fact a 'recovering' BAD BOY) I quit drinking in 1990 and took up ballroom dancing instead which turned out to be a quick route to meeting lots of women and good fun. Three months ago I met a school teacher in a dance class and we hooked up. I fell for her in a big way and we had a steamy summer 'affair' when she was on her summer vacation .It soon became something deeper and then the problems started.

She still lives in the same house as her Ex fiance and her three kids from her previous marriage. Apparently, she and her EX/Fiance bought a house together six years ago when they were planning to marry . Their relationship crashed three years ago and he moved into the guest room and is still there waiting for HER to approach him. THat never happened and they just stayed put with nobody doing anything positive to fix it or finish it.

She said to me at New Years that she was getting close to selling and parting company with him because she met me.

I encouraged her to do that so that we might have a shot.

I now see her only once or twice a week.

She is a very passive and compliant person and looks to numerous 'others' for reassurance and guidance before she actively moves forward ( In fact her behavior fits almost exactly the Dependent Personality Disorder criteria !!). She has asked me several times to 'manage' her and to make many of her life decisions for her.She is fiercely resistant to assertive behavior and is always seeking approval and caretakes other peoples feelings above her own.

I often feel like that I am a pilot in a small plane and she is a passenger.

It also feels that I am in a relationship with her Plus her sisters, mother. work colleagues and assorted friends. She also has recruited her teenage daughter as a 'confidante'.

She is reluctant to tell me what she wants from me and expects me to'know'

She is easily 'hurt' and retreats if upset.

Now I feel fearful and anxious every day . I am never really sure IF i am in a relationship with her. I feel like I am getting 'crumbs' and it is not what I look for in a connection.

She is most 'active' only when she is angry after a few drinks and during sex .

Our relationship is teetering on the edge. She told me that she and her Ex/husband had a steamy marriage which 'broke up every three months". "HE was a GOD to me but our marriage was in trouble from day ON .because of his drugging and shady activities "

He eventually had numerous affairs and one day just left her .That was sixteen yearsago.

Last Sunday afternoon she came over to my house and suggested "That you marry me". and THEN two days later she told me that she was about to email me telling me that we have no future and that we are incompatible !! Go figure !!!

I need some comments to level me out .We are presently apart but polite and friendly. She is highly intelligent but messed up.(and maybe so am I )

 

Phew !!

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Wow - welcome to eNotalone.

 

I think you should sit down and talk to her. Tell her how you feel. I understand your frustrations. If I were in your shoes, I would have walked away a long time ago. It would upset me to be with someone who won't just take control of their own life.

 

Maybe go to a relationship counselor with her. Tell her that you will help her sever ties with her ex, help her move to a new place, etc, whatever it is that she needs to be independent.

 

However, there are things that you need from her - ie, that you have a mature, adult relationship, just the two of you, without her coworkers and teenage daughter! That the two of you make your decisions together, as adults, and not with everyone else's input.

 

maybe a counselor can help the two of you make a game plan.

 

I hate to say it, but maybe you should give her a time limit. Tell her that you're willing to stick around for another 3 months, but if she hasn't started making progress to having a real life with you, that you will unfortunately have to move on because you want a proper relationship.

 

Well, at least that's my take on things from what you have written.

 

good luck!

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What i immediately notice is that she lacks BUT needs 'stable' grounds to stand on. She is like a big tree with much splendour and wonder, but requires a stable ground(or person to rely on) , if you are that person who can give her that stability and provide her that stable ground to stand on, there is no reason why your relationship couldn't be more then what it is now. However she needs reassurance and you have to provide it, as long as that stands your relationship stands, as soon as that falls your relationship will fall.

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I have an opinion, but I'm afraid you're not going to like it.

 

To be honest? Reading your post, I wonder if you are ready for a mature relationship yet. Or perhaps on some level, problematic people draw a certain allure for you because their issues will prevent a real relationship from happening? Otherwise, I cannot imagine why you would think a relationship would ever work with a woman who is living with someone else and apparently has a numerous amount of serious issues.

 

Plus, just some of the way you phrased things..."a quick route to lots of women and good fun," and you're a "recovering' BAD BOY" and "I met a school teacher in a dance class and we hooked up"...well, yes, you do still sound more like a "bad boy" (whatever that actually means) rather than a 40 year old man.

 

I'm sorry, but I honestly get the impression that maybe you're scared of being in a real relationship with a functioning adult, and perhaps that's why you've chosen someone who is clearly dysfunctional/not available.

 

So, I can't give you any advice on how to handle your current situation. However, if you aren't too offended by my frank feedback above, I might be able to give you some advice on how to start avoiding women like that, if you're ready for more stable relationships.

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This woman pushes all my buttons like no other woman in the past 15 years.

I have had several opportunities to date other women and form relationships. There have been many false alarm .Maybe this woman IS a 4 alarm fire.

 

She had an alcoholic violent father who screamed and struck her mother. It was her job to get out of bed and protect her mother as a child.That went on for many years. She then married a drug abuser/and they lived the high life that drugs dealing offers. I doubt whether she is a suitable candidate for marriage again. It appears that her Ex/Fiance is like a father to her (12 years older but sneaky and selfish)

I do not believe that she knows what a stable relationship 'looks' like I said that to her and she agreed

 

I need some objective advice and a perspective based on the facts that I present here. I am willing to walk away with hurt and grief .I have mentioned counseling and she agrees that she needs it, but she has done nothing in that direction. MY overall concern is that IF we ever got married,I would also be 'married' to all of her family and children and all the others who she NEEDS for approval and validation. Because I am the last relationship in her life,I am the most dispensable.

 

It was her birthday party last Saturday night and Her EX/Fiance was not invited but I was. All her teacher friends were there as were her sisters ,brother and mother and her kids .She avoided me all night until about 11:00pm and we eventually danced after she had a few drinks. I became aware that maybe she wanted to have all the guests think that she and I were not in a relationship. She was stand-offish when we danced and asked me not to dance so close. However at midnight after all the guests had left she asked me to drive her home. I dropped her off at her house and she slammed the car door and then called me on my cell about 10 times til 3 am yelling and abusing me for abandoning her.

I shut it off eventually .

We talked the next day and she said she had wanted me to take her to MY place not to her place.I asked her why she did not say so and she just said, " I thought that you knew that I would want to go home with you."

 

I said that I felt humiliated by her behavior at the party and it was obvious that she was so concerned about other peoples opinions that she tried to pretend that we were something that we were Not. I said that I felt like an imposter. She denied doing this and then said that,however, her 20 year old Son commented that she did not spend any time with me. * * * ! She then grudgingly apologized.

Apparently she has not told her family that she is in a relationship !!

 

What do you guys think. Would you walk away ?

 

Phew

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I am interested in how to AVOID women like this again, Tell me ,sister

 

Well, at least you realize this woman is a complete train wreck...and it sounds like some airplanes and cars got into the mix there too... That's the first step...knowing what's going on...

 

As for the future, I'd say spend more time talking in the beginning instead of "hooking up." Be more cautious and selective in the screening process of who you get involved with...it sounds like you have good perception to this sort of thing...just force yourself to stay away from these types of ladies!

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I am interested in how to AVOID women like this again, Tell me ,sister

 

LOL, jophil. You're a good sport! Trust me, I see a little bit of how I used to be in your original post. Let's face it, some of us mistakenly attribute passion and uncertainty as a sign we're really in love.

 

You're doing yourself a real disservice if you continue to believe that.

 

So, here are some steps to changing that belief:

 

First, acknowledge to yourself that you're attracted to problematic people.

 

Second, figure out why. Once you have this level of understanding, you can see things more objectively, rather than emotionally. And then you'll ACT based on an objective, rather than emotional, perspective.

 

For example: I used to be very attracted to life-of-the-party guys who had a million friends. Yet, these types of guys were often too busy to make time for me, and I was rarely a high priority on their list.

 

I figured out eventually I was attracted to them because I thought they were the answer to my loneliness.

 

Guess what? Focusing all my energy on these types of guys was preventing me from solving my loneliness by getting out there and making my own circle of friends. I was being lazy!!

 

And also guess what? I was more lonely than ever depending on guys who had limited time for me!

 

Once I figured that out, I then started doing what friscodj suggested: get to know these guys better before I got physically and emotionally involved. The result? I was the one who walked away before a dead end relationship could surface - not them.

 

These are some first steps, and there's probably more you can do, too, but this oughta get you started.

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Here is a little story which should have told me something about this lady .

We started dating on 27 November last year.

Some time close to last Christmes we talked about what we planned to do on New Year's eve.

She said that she may be going down to her sister's house,50 miles away for a party IF there is something ON down there. Nothing more was said..........

 

About two days after Christmas I said to her that we should do something together and that there was a dinner dance at a local club on NYE, She said OK and we both went in her car and picked up two tickets ($80 for two, I paid)) .

 

Then another day later, my lady called me and said that her sister IS having a party and that she is going down there because. " Her sister absolutely insisted that she come."

I was a tad irritated. My lady friend said that I could take someone else to the dinner dance. I said that I did not want to take anyone else and went alone. We spoke by cell phone at midnight on NYE and she came back three days later.

Something about that incident still bugs me.

What would you guys have done or said?

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