Online Break Up

[Nobue]

Hello, I'm new to these forums. This is the first time I've seriously been in a relationship with a guy. I'm 16 and he's 18. We've been in a relationship online only for a half a year now and he told me today that he doesn't feel the same as he used to and that he wanted to break up. I thought it would be best to just stop talking, but I still have really strong feelings for him. I don't have any friends and my father and mother are divorced so he was the only person I had besides my mother. I don't know what to do without him and I feel really lost. We would argue a lot and I always felt that it was my fault, but I thought we could get through it and things would turn out fine. I've always had problems keeping friends, but I thought this was for real and that it would really work out for once, but I feel so hopeless right now. Can anyone help me? If anyone wants to know more just ask.

 

Sorry if I was supposed to post this in the breaking up section. I wasn't sure if I should have posted it here or there.

[Relationship Coach]

Welcome Nobue,

 

You have come to the right place, you have friends here 24/7/365 to talk to about anything and everything. Sorry for your break up, those can be tough but guess what something good has become of it already, you found us! Stick around, you will meet some great people.

 

RC

[Nobue]

Thank you. I hope I don't sound silly making a big deal out this because we haven't been together for very long...

[arwen]

Hey nobue!

 

Welcome aboard! You're posting is better off in the Cyber section, but it would have suited in both, don't worry!

 

I think you address more than one problem in your post, so I will try to reply to all of them.

 

First of all, your ex. As I see it, you haven't met him in real life, or am I wrong? I think you shouldn't contact him anymore. It's better to stay out of touch while you heal from the break up.

 

Second, your problem in finding and keeping friends. Keep in mind, a relationship at your age (but also later on) has different aspects than friendships. So the fact that your bf broke up with you, doesn't necessarily imply that you can't keep friends. I have friends that I have known longer than any of my boyfriends, and they are a small and stable group of people I met between my teens and now.

 

I don't want to sound like grandma, but... when I was your age, friendships changed very fast. One year I would be friends with this group, then with the other... honestly, I have only 2 friends that I have actually known since I was 16. You develop very fast when you are a teen, and so do the peers around you. I am sure you are a smart and nice young woman, and have lots to offer. Not many of us can in fact say they had a relationship and managed to maintain that ONLINE at the age of 16. So in fact, you might see this in a different light.

 

Do you go out, or go to sports? I have found that most of my friends are the ones I met through mutual interest. Since you all have to go to school, the group you will see on a daily basis is very diverse. It's harder to see where you fit. This will change when you chose a study, and later when you chose a job. So for now, I'd suggest you create a new hobby in your life, like join some sports or creative club, whatever suits you.

 

Ilse

[Nobue]

Thanks for the advice. If anyone wants talk to me on AIM it would be nice. My screen name is Cheongsam Ninja.

 

Oh and no I don't do any sport or anything, but I'll think about trying something new.

[ShySoul]

I agree that you should find an activity or hobby to occupy yourself with. Do you have anything that you are interested in? Drama? Art? It could be anything. But in keeping busy with something that you enjoy, you will feel better about yourself and happier in general. You also can meet new people and possibly strike up a friendship. I've always been very shy and have had few friends myself. But believe in yourself and have confidence and faith that things will go alright.

 

And if you ever want to talk, you can talk to me.

[Nobue]

Well he IMed me (even though we probably shouldn't be talking) and we talked for a while and he told me that he's been feeling really depressed and that nothing matters to him anymore. I don't know what to do now, I don't want to just stop talking to him because I don't want him to feel alone and like I'm abandoning him. Would it be best to stop talking anyway?

[ShySoul]

It's a tough call. On one hand, you don't want to feel like you are abandoning him in a rough time. On the other hand, it may be painful to talk to him, to still have these feelings but to not be able to express them or have them returned as much as you want. You have to decide how much you can take. Are you going to be able to talk to him without feeling bad and wanting to me with him? Are you just going to end up arguing and him making you feel bad? If that is how it is going to end up, then you shouldn't talk to him.

[Nobue]

I just keep asking him if it was my fault and stuff like that when we talk and he always gets mad and just leaves. I think I should just stop talking to him because I can never talk like a normal person, but I always think that I'll never meet anyone like him and I can't just stop talking forever. I don't even think I'm helping him either or if it'll ever be the same as before. I can't believe he would just tell me that he doesn't feel the same as before after he told me all those things. It makes no sense to me because I would never say that to him. I'm probably rambling, but I just don't understand.

[ShySoul]

It's become a pattern of arguments, which doesn't help either of you. Not talking would be best, because the more you talk, worse you feel. It may seem like you won't meet someone like him, but you are young and you have time to meet many other guys who will be just as great. Being young, you go through many changes and aren't always sure of yourself. He is probably going through something right now and questioning things in his life. Unfortunately, you are one of them. It may not have anything to do with you, it may be all him. But regardless of what it is bothering him, the relationship as it is now is just hurting both of you. Best to take time apart and see what happens. In the meantime, find something else to occupy yourself with and have fun at.

[Nobue]

Alright, I'll try that. Thanks.

[Nobue]

Well I talked to him and asked him seriously if he would ever want to get back together again and he said no so I just decided to stop talking to him for good because I didn't want to dwell on it. Did I do the right thing?

[ShySoul]

Nobue, I think you did the right thing. Believe in yourself.

[Nobue]

Thanks, I'll try.

 

The hardest thing about it is that he told me he would love me no matter what and that he still loved me even though we argued a lot. I really thought it he meant it too... It makes me wonder if I was really that bad to him for him to just change his mind like that. I probably sound stupid because we're so young, but I just want someone who would be there for me forever...

[ShySoul]

It's not stupid, its sweet and romantic. Refreashing too. A lot of people your age (or even my age) just want to date as many people as possible. If something happens, its nothing because they can date someone else. But you are different. You want something real that will last. That shows me a good heart who already understands the power true love can have. Unfortunately, not everyone is thinking like that, you are advanced for your age. You'll find the right person, but it takes time and patience. Believe me, I wish it didn't take so long. But it happens at its own pace, when it is right.

 

While we all could have done things to make a relationship better, you can't blame yourself. It takes two to make a relationship work. If he wasn't willing to work on it, then he is just as responsible, it not more. But its not about who was responsible or who did what. Right now its about healing and moving on. It's a difficult process, but you can do it. Like we suggested earlier, find some hobby or interest to occupy your time with. It'll keep you mind off it and you may find yourself having a little fun and meeting new people.

 

Hope all is well Nobue.

[Nobue]

Thanks. I was thinking of trying archery before so I might do that and see if I like it.

[ShySoul]

Archery? Cool. My brother did that a few times. I'd try it, but I would probably end up hitting someone.

 

Hope you enjoy it.

[Dregnought]

I skiped though the posts - sorry.

Well he IMed me (even though we probably shouldn't be talking) and we talked for a while and he told me that he's been feeling really depressed and that nothing matters to him anymore

It almost as if he doesnt know what he wants. Depression can kill relationships, Depression can even kill love - as like this. For now - be supportive, but really he needs counciling - it does help. Parhaps after u 2 could be back.

[Nobue]

Sorry, I haven't checked this in awhile. There's a lot of problems I have that I think would change what you guys told me, but I'm not good at talking about stuff on forums. I haven't even looked into the archery thing much because I'm not even motivated to do anything at all like I was for a long time now. I don't even know if I care enough right now to bother coming to this forum anymore or to talk to anyone about things. Sometimes I feel like I want to do something about myself, but most of the time I just don't care. I know this is a totally different problem, but I just thought you should know. Now that I think about it it was probably even dumb to come here and waste your time.

[ShySoul]

Nobue,

 

It is never a waste of time to come here. There are a lot of good people who want to help you out. Personally, I've taken an interest in your story and want to help in any way I can, even if its just listening to you. You don't have to post here often, just keep in mind that we are always here for you if you want to talk.

 

I know all about the lack of motivation. I feel it at times too. Take the time to think about what you like, and then force yourself to go out and do it. You'll feel better for it, trust me.