badgering BF

[cichlid]

I hate this...my BF badgers me about past relationships...or lack really of. He wants to know about how I was sexually harassed by a friend. I DO NOT want to name names about the old friend that harassed me...I do not want to talk about past relationships. Am I alone with this feeling that sort of thing in the past is best not told? I just get flashbacks about everything and it upsets me. I do not feel comfortable talking about who I've made out with...kissed...etc. It's just not something that is comfortable talking about...and my BF does not understand that. I feel like a fool talking about it...I just do not want to talk about it or anything! My BF will ask about it and I just flat out refuse to talk about it and he tells me that I never open up to him. He then won't drop the subject.

 

I dunno what to do about it because he'll do it every once and awhile and it irritates the heck out of me. I decided I don't want to see him today because he just made me so mad last night with the pestering. Sometimes I think I was better off alone where I did not have to talk about past relationships and that sort of thing.

 

Help? I pretty much think I am a horrible GF that just can't communicate with my BF....all because I refuse to talk about my past.

[RayKay]

I don't think you are a horrible girlfriend at all for not wanting to discuss intimate details of your past, that's pretty normal. And what would he get out of it? Honestly, I rarely see "good" coming out of sharing the sordid details. Basics yes, but the nitty gritty - not necessary!

 

What would he get out of it anyway - I don't think it's to create a more "intimate bond" between you or to know you, because he would not be pressuring for the details if that was the case. All it would do would give him things to stick into his imagination or to give him fuel to want to know more!

 

I mean, I know my bf has been with others, but I have no desire or need to know the details of that given he is with ME now, they are in the past, and I don't need to picture him with others!

 

I would very respectfully tell your boyfriend you appreciate him wanting to know your past, but firmly believe in the philosophy of "don't kiss and tell" and are uncomfortable talking about it. Be firm. And if he continues to do it, be firm that you are not going to discuss it, and walk away.

[TiredMan]

I don't know. Depending on how serious the relationship is or how serious I want it to be, I would want to know it all and share it all. Anything less than that would make me suspicious. Then I would believe they are not worth a relationship. That's just my opinion tho.

[abcd1234]

I doubt that sharing the details of your past would help your current relationship. He says that he wants you to share but in reality it would not do him any good, it would only spark his emotions and put images in his mind.

 

Next time he pesters you, you need to explain that you do not want to discuss the details of your past and that you would like him to repect that decision my dropping the subject and not bringing it up in the future.

[NJRon]

I've been in relationships where we have revealed every nitty gritty detail of our past to each other, and I have been on those where we haven't really mentioned it at all. I think that all just depends on the relationship.

 

However, I have not been in a relationship where either one of us has repeatedly pestered the other for details.

 

Wait... yes I have

 

It was me and I did it because it was one of my first relationships and I was very insecure with someone that had more partners than me. I felt like she was always comparing me to them (which she wasn't) so I wanted to know what I was up against. Didn't help a whole heck of a lot...

[Relationship Coach]

Tell your BF when he becomes a licensed psychologist, you will gladly discuss your traumatic and/or private events with him but then of course you will have to break up with him because he is not allowed to date his patients.

 

He's your BF, he can either respect your wishes or get out of the relationship. He is putting his insecurities and jealousy before you, he needs to grow up and understand that your past is "your" past. If he continues his present course of action he will also be in "your" past.

 

RC

[TiredMan]

I think it's better for the guy to step away if the women doesn't want to share her past. If you can't be open and honest, a relationship doesn't work.

[novaseeker]

I think it's very subjective.

 

I like to know *everything* ... and I share *everything* as well ... not all in one sitting of course, but I do like to know everything about prior relationships, not just vagueness. It's a very important part of someone's emotional and intimate history, and it's something I like to know, eventually, in a more serious, committed relationship.

 

But that's just me ... others don't feel this way. I think for the OP, it would be a good idea to explain to your BF why you just don't think this is appropriate, the various reasons for it, and state that you're simply not willing to share these details. He will either accept that, or he won't, but there's no need for you to change your view to suit his (even if I think his views might be closer to my own in this).

[cichlid]

I don't know. Depending on how serious the relationship is or how serious I want it to be, I would want to know it all and share it all. Anything less than that would make me suspicious. Then I would believe they are not worth a relationship. That's just my opinion tho.

I think it's better for the guy to step away if the women doesn't want to share her past. If you can't be open and honest, a relationship doesn't work.

I am open and honest but discussing things like who I have made out with/kissed/liked bothers me. It's just not something I want to share. He talks about his past relationship openly and okay...but I will not pester him to tell me. He tells me on his own. But my past does not matter. He knows what I do not like in guys but why should he have to ask about past relationships? We have been together for almost 6 months. He will ask things like how far have I gone with a guy and who. He knows the farthest I have gone is fingering and I regret it...but with who does not matter. If he wants to break up with me because I do not feel comfortable talking about something that does not matter to begin with then so be it...but I AM OPEN AND I AM HONEST!

[annie24]

I am also very open and honest with my bf, but I don't share all the nitty gritty details. Why bother? We both know we've been with other people, and we both know those relationships are over now. He encourages me to be open and honest with him, and I am, but he doesn't ask me for specifics. He really doesn't need those images in his head. I don't see how they can help a relationship progress.

[cichlid]

I think it's very subjective.

 

I like to know *everything* ... and I share *everything* as well ... not all in one sitting of course, but I do like to know everything about prior relationships, not just vagueness. It's a very important part of someone's emotional and intimate history, and it's something I like to know, eventually, in a more serious, committed relationship.

 

But that's just me ... others don't feel this way. I think for the OP, it would be a good idea to explain to your BF why you just don't think this is appropriate, the various reasons for it, and state that you're simply not willing to share these details. He will either accept that, or he won't, but there's no need for you to change your view to suit his (even if I think his views might be closer to my own in this).

My past is something I do not wish to talk about to my BF. I do not know why but I feel like this. It's just awkward and to me it brings back feelings of anger, embarrassment, thinking that what is in the past will happen again. I guess this makes me a bad GF and stuff. He won't accept the fact that I refuse to talk about it and as always I'll probably find myself alone in the future, because no one likes a GF that refuses to talk about things that bother her.

[annie24]

Well, if you're going to talk to anyone about this stuff, it should be to a therapist.

 

I have both - a boyfriend and a therapist, and I do all my serious unloading of issues on my therapist. I try not to burden my bf with too much drama. Well, he knows my issues, but I don't try to get him to solve my problems or help me work through them.

 

I think that you are doing the right thing. I agree with RC - tell him you'll talk to him about all the ugly details as soon as he gets a degree in psychology.

[cichlid]

I am also very open and honest with my bf, but I don't share all the nitty gritty details. Why bother? We both know we've been with other people, and we both know those relationships are over now. He encourages me to be open and honest with him, and I am, but he doesn't ask me for specifics. He really doesn't need those images in his head. I don't see how they can help a relationship progress.

He feels as if he will be able to understand me a lot better. And then he will be like I have told you all about my past relationships...why can't you tell me ALL about yours? And he has heard all about it before we started going out, but he still wants all the details. It's like he's heard the basics about it all. There's never been a serious relationship before him...so there's not much to tell. He also feels like I should discuss this all again with him even though I told him back after March when we first met.

[annie24]

ok, well, if he really really wants to hear EVERYTHING, then maybe go ahead and tell him.

 

Unless you totally don't feel comfortable doing so.

 

Trust me, 90% of the men out there don't want to know all the nitty-gritty details.

[novaseeker]

It's true, but I think if she doesnt want to tell, she shouldn't. If it were my own SO it would upset me a lot, but at the same time it's important for everyone to keep to their own comfort zones, and I think that the OP should as well only divulge as much as she feels comfortable doing ... and then it's her BF's issue as to how he feels about that and what, if anything, he does.

[annie24]

It's true, but I think if she doesnt want to tell, she shouldn't. If it were my own SO it would upset me a lot, but at the same time it's important for everyone to keep to their own comfort zones, and I think that the OP should as well only divulge as much as she feels comfortable doing ... and then it's her BF's issue as to how he feels about that and what, if anything, he does.

 

Oh, definitely, I agree. She should only do as much as she feels comfortable doing.

 

I'm pretty much and open book and if my man really really really wanted to know something, I would tell him.

 

But, yeah, she shouldn't disclose anything she is not comfortable with sharing.

[OceanEyes]

I think that it's completely unnecessary to share every little detail of past relationships with a current boyfriend/ girlfriend. I think that living in the moment and building on something in the PRESENT is much more important than understanding the intimate details of your partner's past. My boyfriend doesn't want to hear those details from my past, and I could really care less about his. I know where he's been, who he's been with, and where he sees himself in the future.

 

Is knowing how many times a week that your boyfriend had sex with his ex-girlfriend going to do anything for your current relationship? If so, how? Is knowing about all of your boyfriend's ex's issues going to give you a 'better idea' of who you're with? It can't because every couple is different. We're different because we all have different personalities and react to those personalities differently. Not only that, but we're generally at different stages of our lives than say, 5 years ago.

 

cichlid: If it makes you uncomfortable to talk about your past, and you're really not comfortable bringing things up that cause emotional and mental stress, then you shouldn't do it. Believe me, not every guy is so concerned with your past. Every guy I've dated has been much happier to have a brief, non-detailed synopsis of my life before him, and we leave it at that. Don't do something that upsets you just because he needs it to compare himself to past boyfriends. Intimacy should make you feel closer to someone, not like you want to run away and hide. If these are issues that are actually bothering you on a deeper level, talk to someone you trust or a professional about them.

[RayKay]

Agreed completely. Sure, we should know the basic ideas, but I really have no interest to hear about how he learned that "move" from an ex, and I really think in reverse my boyfriend would also start getting nasty images in his head too everytime I did a "move".

 

The dynamic has been different in EACH of my relationships..not just sexually but emotionally and intellectually. I would really be irritated if someone was SO interested in the past, they were failing to appreciate and see what was right in front of them.

 

I can respect some people do share these things, but me and my partner not sharing the intimate details of past relationships does not take away from our openess and honesty with one another, it just adds in an element of respect for all those involved, and the new relationship. How often on here do I see posts from men or women saying they wish they never had known some of those details, as now they can't get over it.

 

I just wonder why he is so puhsy about it, when it is obviously something that is not comfortable for you and you have some bad memories of.