confused...am i dumped?

[jjlb78]

Hello all,

 

Well, I am new to this forum and glad that something like this exists for times like this.

 

I had a 6 month relationship with a man from South America (I am in the US). We knew the entire time we were involved that he intended to return to South America to start a business and live closer to family and return to his home community. He lived in the States 8 years and never fully adjusted to being here and decided he needed to make a life change. This I understood and knew when we started to see each other.

 

From the moment we met there was a huge physical attraction. I enjoyed his company but didn't really see the relationship going anywhere not because of his leaving but because I was convinced he was not really my "type" career-wise, culture-wise, etc. (shallow, I know), but that it would be fun to jump into the dating scene again as it had been awhile.

 

As time and the relationship continued it became apparent that this man, in fact, had so many of the qualities that I have always been seeking in a partner. He respected me, was proud of me, treated me wonderfully, challenged me, laughed with me, and basically made me feel like the world was one of limitless possibility. Also, I was able to give to him. I too challenged him, listened to and empathized with him (he has a hard time expressing emotion), showed him new and interesting thiings he wasn't familiar with in New York, laughed with him, supported him in his dream to start his business, and loved him silly in the end.

 

We decided to make sure we were in touch at least once a week after his departure, and he told me he wanted me to visit him sometime in the next year. No promises that were impossible to keep were made...just a commitment to remain in touch and value the foundation that was laid, surprisingly, in the 6 months we were together. He told me he loved me and that I would always be in his heart and that he had begun to wonder what might have happened had he decided to stay in New York. He was beginning to think down the line and be more serious about me.

 

I told myself when he left to be prepared for anything...he called immediately to tell me he was there safely, we had a wonderful 45 minute conversation where he told me all about seeing his family again and their reunion, that he would send me pictures of him with them and his neice wearing the clothes I picked out for her...and that it didn't seem so far away after all, that we could keep the warm feelings going until I could visit. He also said he told his whole family about me and that I would be visiting.

 

He then said he would call me in 2 days. It has now been a week and a half. Prior to leaving he also set up an email account to email me, emailed me from here saying he would be sure to get to that computer at least 2 times a week to email me...no email.

 

I am so confused. It seems impossible that he could have a change of heart so quickly. And he is not the type to party or have casual relations...he also has never lied to me, even when it would have been much easier to do so.

 

I have tried to call him a couple times and gotten his mother and sister on the line, but they don't speak English and I can't tell what they are telling me, I am assuming they know it is me calling but I am not sure...

 

I have made the decision to just begin the grieving process and move on, but I am so confused. I didn't ask for these promises of future contact, in fact I told him not to promise me anything he couldn't follow through on and that if we were not going to stay in touch, I understood...all these future plans were his idea.

 

So...I am confused...how to I heal and move on when I don't have any anwers or know what is going on? How can he hurt me this way?

[karen95]

I am not really sure. Maybe he is extremly busy. from the sounds of it he is only after moving 2 weeks ago?

i do find it strage that he has not contacted you at all.

maybe you should continue the "grieving process". and try and start to move on.

i guess that if he is going to contact you again, he will contact soon!

[NJRon]

Since you two seem to have actually just made an agreement to stay in touch and no commitment and no promises, I think it would be best to grieve and move on. It doens't mean that you can't stay in touch, but perhaps you need to distance yourself a little more.

[PrincessLinzay]

Hello jjlb78, and welcome to enot!

Under normal circumstances, I would probably find his behavior unusual. But due to the fact that he just made a major move and also reunited with a family he in all likelihood hasn't seen for quite some time, I would make more of an allowance.

 

I would guess that he has probably been very caught up in his move and spending time with his family. I don't think his attitude towards you would change this soon. If more time had lapsed then just a week and a half, I would probably be more likely to encourage the grieving process, but I don't think that is necessarily the case based on what you're describing.

 

My fiancee's family is from Central America, and I know that when they come to visit, they tend to take over his life for a brief time while he catches up and they get settled.

 

Hopefully he will call or write really soon and allay your fears.

[skyjuice]

Just give him some time and see how things goes.

Don't come to conclusion impulsively.

At least you could get a closure from him first.

[jjlb78]

well...i am trying not to jump to conclusions and assume he wants me out of his life...but being patient is hard.

 

i would love to get some closure from him but he is not returning my calls, i am proud that i have been able to avoid calling too much, just a couple messages...but he promised me we would be in touch and keep the relationship going...and he just disappeared.

 

a little more info:

 

i am in a business where i have to travel a lot, sometimes for weeks at a time. during the course of our relationship he would pull back emotionally and become moody when i was away, get feelings of inadequacy and fear that i did't care for him as much as he did for me, etc.

 

now he has moved home and i have every reason to believe that this is him doing his usual pattern and retreating emotionally because he is feeling pain at the situation. however, i am starting to feel like an idiot because i sent him a care package right after he left as well as a valentine (i know he got the package as it was fedex) and heard nothing. i know there is nothing more i can do, that i didn't do anything wrong, that what is meant to be will be, that he more than likely will be in touch at some point, and that i need to just explore other interests and enjoy my daily life and work on my career and keep on keeping on.

 

but i feel paralyzed. i am not sure how to move on and also how to not blame myself for his behavior. as i said, i know i did nothing wrong, but his rejecting me by not doing what he said he wanted to do has my self-doubt just off the charts.

 

i don't want to be angry with him...i love him and i want the relationship to grow if it can. so how do i proceed? how do i move on without getting bitter?

 

so sad i could cry but trying to get through my day.

[Scout]

jjlb, I truly feel your pain. You described the situation very well. I don't blame you for feeling crushed by this.

 

I wish I could tell you he'll call - but I can't. I don't know if he will. I wish I could tell you he meant what he said before he left - but again, I don't know if he did.

 

What I can tell you is based on a couple of personal experiences I've had that have similarities to your own situation.

 

First, let's take a deep breath and then acknowledge something very painful. If he was sure you were someone he wanted to be in a committed relationship with, he wouldn't have moved. Or, he would have asked you to come with him. There's just no way he would have left without one of those things happening.

 

I'm not saying he's sure you're not someone he wants to be exclusive with. But if he was more sure than not - either he'd still be here, or you'd be there.

 

This uncertainty might have made him compromise his actions a bit. He did go ahead and go back home, but he also made some promises that you two would keep a window of contact open.

 

Why is he not delivering on the latter now? Maybe now that he's home, he's feeling more certain that a relationship with you is not in the cards. And he's avoiding telling you. It's cowardly, but let's face it. All of us have a tendency to want to avoid confrontation and conflict. Some of us face it more squarely than others.

 

Now, I personally believe at some point you'll likely hear from him. It could be way down the road, it could be next week. If you truly want to keep the bridges unburned, I would NOT bring up where you two stand. Rather, I would treat him like a platonic friend, and that's it. I would also talk about how things are with you, what you've been up to...maybe some topics that would subtly get him missing the U.S.

 

I guess I suggest this tactic because you knew in advance the major risks involved of starting a relationship with him in the first place, and in all fairness, you can't really be surprised how things have turned out so far.

 

Well, we all have taken risks in love at some point. So, don't beat yourself up too much over doing so. But, be realistic about the fact you took a gamble, knowing what you knew before you took the plunge.

 

At the same time, I do commiserate with you on how sad it is. Time will heal that a great deal, but for now, it definitely sucks. Keep posting here, and try to do activities and go places that keep your mind off of it at least a few hours a day. That will really speed up the healing process, I promise.

[jjlb78]

and left a message today sounding as though nothing has happened--just pretending he didn't ignore me for 2 weeks, telling me all about how great things are with him, thanking me for a gift i sent him, calling me a "friend" and sending "hugs" and saying we will talk soon.

 

why would he ignore the fact that i was desperately trying to get a hold of him and then pretend that everything is fine but act all detached. i don't understand WHY HE CALLED AT ALL if he is going to be and avoidant wimp. i have no intention of returning his call because i am sure when he is in this frame of mind he doesn't want to hash it out. to his mind there is no problem. if he is happy, i am happy. and if he calls, he is not an * * * * * * * so he can rest easy.

 

i still don't understand how you can go from i love you to detached in 2 weeks. i am trying to be understanding and i know that his world is in total flux and mine is exactly the same and there is probably no way he can envision our lives being together since we are continents apart.

 

also, he didn't see his family in 8 years, so he has a lot going on. but i wish he had a little concern for me rather than for himself. as i said, why call at all. why call at all?

[Scout]

If he had no concern for you, he wouldn't have called. But he did call, so of course you're on his mind. Don't know why he didn't do it sooner, but

you said he hasn't seen his family in 8 years - I bet he feels a little guilty about all that lost time. And so now he's concentrating on making up for that.

 

And like I said in my first post, he obviously isn't in the mindset that you two should certainly be together, so he's distancing himself a bit. If you truly want to keep him as a friend, rather than permanently burn the bridges, why not call him back?

 

You never know what could happen in the future, and you admitted yourself you knew the risks of getting involved with him to begin with. He was always upfront about going back to his home country.

 

Since you do care about him and shared such good times, why not let him count you as a good friend over here in the U.S.? Who knows, as time goes on, he may even invite you over there for a visit at some point.

 

I'm not saying to keep all your hopes pinned on this guy, but just to try to look at everything from a more objective perspective, especially keeping in mind he didn't mislead you at any point about his intentions to go back home.

[jjlb78]

Well, he called again and was being so distant and strange. We spend half an hour talking about his life back in Venezuela...he sounds great.

 

I told him I was leaving town for the weekend for an important work event and that it was strange not having someone to say goodbye to...I travel a lot for work. This was met by...silence.

 

I then told him that I was confused and upset by his behavior. He told me that he never got the gift I got him for Christmas (an expensive magazine subscription) "but that's ok". I'm like, hello--it is not okay with me. I spent weeks trying to think of what to get you and it cost me a pretty penny and I want him to have it.

 

I asked him why he told me he loved me and that he wanted to have a long distance thing and that he wanted me to visit him if he wasn't going to follow through. This was met by a long story about how he meant it at the time and he does love me but he just doesn't see how it can work.

 

I said, if you loved me you wouldn't be saying this. So you are either lying now or you were lying then. He said he didn't lie, he said what he felt in the moment but that he doesn't think he loves me now because he doesn't miss me.

 

I said, naturally, you are very busy reacclimating to your country that you haven't seen for years, reconnecting with old friends, getting your life going and that he should really consider whether what he is feeling now is reactionary or the actual truth. He then said "I don't love you".

 

I started crying and I said, I love you and I want to be with you and I don't understand what changed...he told me that he thought I needed to find someone of my own culture. I think this has a lot to do with family influence. But he is also right, he and I are very different. I guess that is what I like about being with him the most.

 

He told me he needs to wrap all of his New York experiences up and forget them and move on with his life. I said, I am not New York, I am not your old life, I am a person. Think about what you are saying...

 

He told me he didn't want to hurt me. I said, well, if you didn't want to hurt me you wouldn't do this. I accept what you say, I think you are wrong, I want to make a go of it. But if this is how you have to deal with moving on with your life I cannot talk to you anymore. Not as a friend or the occasional check-in. It is too hard.

 

He then told me I was being unfair and he needed me in his life as a friend.

 

I said, please, for my sake, never call me again unless you feel you want to work on a relationship. Please don't. I can't take it.

 

I know this was impulsive but I think I made the right move. I just don't understand how someone's feelings can change so rapidly. And how he can have forgotten all the good things about us as a couple already and hurt me like this. And then ask for friendship? I want him back so badly. But I can't have a conversation where he tells me he doesn't love me again. To me, when you way those words in the first place (the I love yous), it doesn't just go away so quickly. And if I tell someone I am going to nurture a relationship and have them meet my whole family. Well, I certainly give it a try before throwing in the towel.

 

How do I move on. How do I stop hoping. I know I am better off without someone who can't give me what I need. But I want him back so badly I could scream.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

I hope it is the elastic rubber band theory that are describe in the "Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus". It said that Man could be very intimate until a time, he has to draw back and become distant again. This is to gain back his independence. Later, he will come back and expect everything is fine as old time.

 

Read them, it might give you some sanity.

[skyjuice]

May be I am too optimistic of the situation.

Anyway, it is no wrong to hope for the best thing to happen.

Just my thought.